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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist DP gives up alcohol etc. when I am pregnant

201 replies

Chrysanthemum5 · 22/07/2009 15:39

Posting on behalf of a colleague as we've been having a big debate on this. Colleague (we'll call her A) and her DP (called E) have been together for a long time, and are hoping to start ttc soon. They have agreed that if / when she gets pregnant A will follow the guidelines e.g. give up alocohol, certain foods etc. Plus she will also cut back on her exercise regime. However, A thinks that to be fair E should also give up these things, including his sports.

So, is A being unreasonable in thinking E should give these things up to support her? Her view is that the baby is part of both of them so they should both follow the guidelines.

From my point of view, DH didn't give up alcohol etc. when I was pregnant, but I didn't really care because I felt he didn't get the good parts of being pregnant so why should he only get the bad bits.

Thoughts? We've had a fairly heated discussion about it so I said I'd post here to get opinions!

Donna

OP posts:
4paws · 22/07/2009 16:31

suwoo - ask him now! 37 weeks means anytime now! who is taking you to hospital? And will he be able to be in control and take charge if there's problems. That's the point

MamaLazarou · 22/07/2009 16:31

I think she is being unreasonable.

Original poster
Chrysanthemum5 · 22/07/2009 16:31

drlove8
Didn't realise I shouldn't put my name!

OP posts:
Minshu · 22/07/2009 16:32

Is E a big drinker? Although if she wants abstinence because he's got an alcohol problem and is an unpleasant drunk then she probably should think twice about having a baby with him, at all...

I did read something in a fertility book about how fathers to be could support their partners this way during pregnancy, so she may be thinking that this is normal. I'm pretty sure it's not.

My DP all but gave up alcohol, along with me, while we were ttc and started again when I got pg.

KingCanuteIAm · 22/07/2009 16:32

It is up to you Chrysanthemum, ost of us here try to stay anon. but some don't mind. I think DrLove thought you had done it by accident!

Original poster
Chrysanthemum5 · 22/07/2009 16:36

Think they are fond of a drink so giving up may be more of an isue for A than it was for me.

I hadn't even thought about being anon, I usually only post on AC clubs etc. but thanks for the warning,

OP posts:
Morloth · 22/07/2009 16:37

Peanut Butter is bad now? Why?

FiveGoMadInDorset · 22/07/2009 16:38

Mad, has no one told her that exercise is good while pregnant.

MamaLazarou · 22/07/2009 16:40

I thought peanut butter was OK this week.

Morloth · 22/07/2009 16:42

Is vegemite/marmite next?

expatinscotland · 22/07/2009 16:43

A's fucking potty. I'd run a mile from her if I were E, tbh.

Minshu · 22/07/2009 16:48

I sometimes think it's best not to take too much notice of what to eat advice, otherwise we'd all starve to death and the human race would become extinct...

If they are both big drinkers, it's not so unreasonable to ask him to moderate, I guess... But they need to discuss and it should be their decision rather than hers.

KingCanuteIAm · 22/07/2009 16:48

I think Peanut butter was about stopping children developing allergies - although I think this one has now been dropped... I am sure there is another one brewing

monkeyfeathers · 22/07/2009 16:50

My OH has had to (pretty much) give up anything that I'm not allowed to eat by default during my pregnancy. I'm the one that does all the shopping and just about all the cooking. So, if I'm not allowed to eat it, I just won't make meals with it in. OH is perfectly welcome to cook/make whatever it is for himself, or to order it in a restaurant though. I am a big meanie though, as I didn't give up cheese when his doctor told him to (because of IBS). I just didn't put any in whatever I was making him.

I haven't asked him to give up alcohol, even though I have. Not that he drinks very much, but I don't see why he shouldn't be allowed a pint with his Sunday lunch in a pub (for example), just because I'm not drinking. I'm even quite happy to drive home.

The exercise thing is weird though. Why would anyone want their OH to give up exercise? Surely he'll just put on weight and (if he's anything like my OH) get all grumpy and easily frustrated. I'd be encouraging him to keep up the exercise if I were A. Maybe after the birth I'd consider asking him to cut down (so as to spend more time helping with the baby), but that would depend upon how much sport/exercise he was doing.

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 22/07/2009 16:50

Well to be fair, I did ask DH not to wave pate, blue cheese and glasses of wine under my nose when pg, it's not fair to tempt people with what they can't have.

I wouldn't have expected him to give these things up altogether though, just not to eat them in front of me, and to limit his drinking when with me. He swapped to drinks I didn't like instead of wine, and also cut back on the amount a bit, as he had got in the habit of having a drink or two every night "to relax", which wound me up when I wasn't allowed anything to "relax" me!

Def wouldn't have asked him to stop exercising either, unless he was taking it so far that he wasn't around to help me with things when I needed it.

It sounds like A may have been given some exaggerated ideas of what isn't allowed, so is thinking it will be harder than it really is?

mayorquimby · 22/07/2009 16:50

E should take this as a hint and not get her pregnant. she sounds like a bonkers manipulative control freak.

Original poster
Chrysanthemum5 · 22/07/2009 16:51

I think exercise is good, but A does a lot of running so feels that wouldn't be possible for the whole of the pregnancy. I wasn't a bit exerciser before the DCs so I don't really have much of an opion for her on that one.

With regard to what you can / cannot eat I did stick to it in general. DH does all the cooking so he had to change what we ate to accommodate that, but when we went out he had anything he wanted off the menu while I had the rubbish choices!

OP posts:
Morloth · 22/07/2009 16:51

Thanks KingCanuteIAm how bizarre, most of SE Asia should be allergic then?

I wonder what is next? I vote for all washing detergents being deemed dangerous, along with the action of using a vacuum cleaner/broom etc.

KingCanuteIAm · 22/07/2009 16:53

I thought those were already outlawed?
Well they are in our house anyway

MrsMattie · 22/07/2009 16:53

Totally batty.

krumbockmummy · 22/07/2009 16:53

Giving up or cutting down on alcohol is good for them both if they are having trouble conceiving, Giving up exercise is silly. She cant be so controlling its not fare on E.

I am 39+3 so birth could be any day now, DP still drinks only 1 or 2 would never stop him. Bless him with the birth i had last time he may need a drink during labour

expatinscotland · 22/07/2009 16:56

Actually I think people who analyse shite like this to death before they're even actually trying to conceive are barking, maybe they're made for each other.

They sound American to me.

Original poster
Chrysanthemum5 · 22/07/2009 16:59

Ok, I've passed on the message to A that she is definitely being unreasonable!

OP posts:
lucky1979 · 22/07/2009 17:00

I'm 24 weeks, and have, rather pointedly asked my DH not to come home again at 3AM, bang every single pot and pan in the kitchen while attempting to make a sandwich, turn the TV on full blast to sky sports news, fail to turn it off, crawl into bed with me with every pore reeking of alcohol and then pass out and snore loudly.

My reasoning for this is a) I can't get my own back by getting hammered and coming back and annoying him (not that I do that particularly but would like to fantasise about revenge anyway) b) I'm pregnant and need a decent nights sleep. So if E goes on these kind of big nights out, its not unreasonable to ask him to curb it (or sleep on a friends sofa, or in the porch). But if he has to give up absolutely all alcohol and sports she's being a bit mental. Especially with the sports, that's just weird.

Minshu · 22/07/2009 18:02

Lucky - surely you can get some small measure of revenge by waking him up in the night to annoy him over the next few months when you can't sleep??? I'm 31 weeks now and finding a good night's sleep harder to come by.

Chrysanthenum - how did A take it?

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