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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To insist DP gives up alcohol etc. when I am pregnant

201 replies

Chrysanthemum5 · 22/07/2009 15:39

Posting on behalf of a colleague as we've been having a big debate on this. Colleague (we'll call her A) and her DP (called E) have been together for a long time, and are hoping to start ttc soon. They have agreed that if / when she gets pregnant A will follow the guidelines e.g. give up alocohol, certain foods etc. Plus she will also cut back on her exercise regime. However, A thinks that to be fair E should also give up these things, including his sports.

So, is A being unreasonable in thinking E should give these things up to support her? Her view is that the baby is part of both of them so they should both follow the guidelines.

From my point of view, DH didn't give up alcohol etc. when I was pregnant, but I didn't really care because I felt he didn't get the good parts of being pregnant so why should he only get the bad bits.

Thoughts? We've had a fairly heated discussion about it so I said I'd post here to get opinions!

Donna

OP posts:

BlueChampagne · 23/07/2009 13:29

Likewise DH tends to drink a bit less when I'm pg. In compensation gets a guaranteed driver if we go to a country pub! Maybe one day I'll make him watch me drink though while he sips lemonade

Is her exercise regime awesome? Most midwives want to make sure you keep exercising, though obviously not time to take up something new and dangerous. I cycled 85 miles a week till 30 weeks with DS1 then cut down and stopped at 38 weeks. Not going to do as well with DC2 but I do have DS on board as well ... and it will be a different time of year. Less appealing once the clocks change and you're coming home in the dark.

itsalwaysthequietones · 23/07/2009 13:35

Sounds like the verdict is pretty clear on this one. But FWIW, sounds commpletely barking to me. I actually et a sort of second-hand pleasure from hearing about the sushi that DH had for lunch. Admittedly wouldn't want him getting legless all the time but he has a beer or a glass of wine in the evening and it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Longtalljosie · 23/07/2009 13:36

The only possible reason I can think of is she worries she's going to find it particularly hard to give up alcohol.

DH has been asked not to go over the limit now I'm 37 weeks but that's as much as I've said. I miss wine, why would I ask him to forego it as well? It would just be mean.

The only other change I ever asked him to make to his behaviour was to knock the scalding hot hour-long baths on the head until we successfully conceived. He wasn't happy - but had to admit logic was on my side

feralgirl · 23/07/2009 15:33

V unreasonable.

I emotionally blackmailed DG into giving up smoking weed and tobacco by telling him that if he smoked then I would too and that it would therefore be his fault if our baby was born deformed. I encouraged him to drink though, to make up for it! And he didn't have to stop coz DS made a surprise entrance a month early.

InTheZenGarden · 23/07/2009 16:10

Agree with other posts that A is mad!

I needed DH to do things for me when I was pregnant! During the early phase, I couldn't face cooking, he did all that. And at the end I was so fat I couldn't put socks on or do up shoelaces. And obviously, after DD was born, I was a wreck and depended totally on DH to keep us all going.

If I'd pissed him off by denying him booze/food/exercise/fun during my pregnancy, he may not have been so keen to help! It's give and take in a relationship

oneopinionatedmother · 23/07/2009 19:49

She is being a Pregzilla (like that one, though i used my own expression 'pregnasaurus' of my own pgs)

i didn't follow the guidelines myself partly because it is effing impossible due to the number of prohibitions, and partly because some are not substantiated by any evidence (e.g. peanuts, moderate drinking*)

I'd pour myself a G n T as dry as the Sahara and pass her the tonic bottle, if i were in his shoes.

*i am aware there is evidence of peanut based snacks (eg marathon bars, fruit n nut) causing increased levels of wheeze, but this could just mean junk food is bad.
** there is no evidence that 2-3 units per weeks has any negative effect. thus when it is said 'there is no safe amount' that just means that absence of evidence is not the same as evidence of absence IYSWIM.

TrinityRhinoHasASillyStepson · 23/07/2009 19:52

what a crazy thing to even think let alone actually

utter nonsense

TrinityRhinoHasASillyStepson · 23/07/2009 19:52

actually say.....

toddlerama · 23/07/2009 20:36

You only give up stuff to help the baby. He CAN'T help the baby by abstaining! She may as well ask me to give up drinking for her. What a moron. Like someone else said, I asked DH to stay under driving limit from about 35 weeks (because I'm paranoid / hopeful - I went over both times).

Do you think she doesn't want him to exercise because she's scared that she'll be flabby and he'll be buff?

wonderingwondering · 23/07/2009 22:06

I think when the baby comes and the realisation hits that he goes back to work (adult company!) while she sits at home all day feeding and changing the baby in between being patronised by health visitors, she is going to be rather unhappy.

Might as well get used to the fact that their lives are going to diverge, at least for a while, early on in the process.

sleepwhenidie · 23/07/2009 22:26

nutter - gawd help him when the baby arrives, sounds like she'd consider tying string to his testicles and pulling during each contraction (to share the birth experience) and then make sure he is awake throughout every nightime breastfeed, no matter what he has to do the next day. And when does the sport thing get back to normal? I stayed very fit and active through both my pgs (normally this would be advised - to keep doing what you are used to?) but it all went to hell for 6 months after the babies arrived! My DH would be unbearable if forced to give up exercise and alcohol - not that either of us would ask/demand something like that of the other - bizarre.

Bellbird · 23/07/2009 22:47

I imagine the majority of mums with kids already will think that your colleague has her head naively in the clouds on this one...

To be fair to her, at one stage I believed that life wouldn't change that much before I had kids, and that having them was just a case of making a few teeny sacrifices..

Then we noticed the changes my sil was experiencing with her young family and guessed what we might be letting ourselves in for. She seemed to be loving it though, and her husband worked his socks off. There was no way I was going to inflict any petty crap on my dh - he loves a good beer - for Pete's sake - why deny a bloke that?

Once I had dd I was fast making new connections with new mums like me. It didn't bother me in the slightest that dh was still going out with his mates - although he too began to favor socializing with guys who had families. He comes home happy and re-energised.

Supercherry · 24/07/2009 09:52

Being pregnant can be a bit shit at times, it is hard having to adjust to all the sacrificies, your body changing etc, even if it is a wanted and planned pregnancy.

It is also hard seeing your partner go out and get rat arsed and do all the things that you used to both be able to do. It's unrealistic to not expect a little bit of resentment now and then.

I don't think A is a 'nutter' or a 'control freak', couldn't possibly make such harsh judgements from such a short post.

A is being a bit unrealistic but I think in pregnancy, a bit of empathy from one's partner is certainly needed. So, a compromise is the way forward, constantly getting rat arsed while she stays sober would be, IMO, inconsiderate. On the other hand, no, it wouldn't be reasonable for him to become a teetotal either.

The not doing sport thing is a bit silly, however, because, despite what your colleagues are telling A, exercise in pregnancy is perfectly acceptable, as we all know and should be encouraged.

anniemac · 24/07/2009 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

skidoodle · 24/07/2009 10:26

"Might as well get used to the fact that their lives are going to diverge, at least for a while, early on in the process."

My life didn't diverge from DH's after we had DD.

I think that's a really peculiar assumption to make.

It was the time in our lives when we most needed to pull together. It was the opposite of divergence.

skidoodle · 24/07/2009 10:27

"Might as well get used to the fact that their lives are going to diverge, at least for a while, early on in the process."

My life didn't diverge from DH's after we had DD.

I think that's a really peculiar assumption to make.

It was the time in our lives when we most needed to pull together. It was the opposite of divergence.

AliGrylls · 24/07/2009 10:30

I am not sure I think she is a complete idiot because it is hard work being pregnant and I used to resent my husband saying "should you be eating that" while he would be scoffing down loads of nice food.

However, it does depend on the type of support a women expects from her partner. I am glad I let my husband do what he wanted as it meant that he was more willing to give me support for the things I actually really needed like doing extra cooking when I felt ill etc.

skidoodle · 24/07/2009 10:34

Sorry DH had to post that after I had, as we do everything together now

I cannot imagine what it must be like to have a DH who would question what I was eating in that way. What a bloody cheek!

Original poster

Chrysanthemum5 · 24/07/2009 10:42

I had already told A I felt she was being a bit unreasonable, although I felt E was also being unreasonable. DH never ever told me what I could or could not eat, he trusted me as an adult to make my own decisions.

I also think E could do with a reality check, he thinks nothing would change in his life if they had a baby and he could still go out all the time - so maybe asking him to give up his sport is because A knows he needs to really cut back on the amount he expects to do?

A is quite opinionated though so she may just want him to suffer!

As for the good parts of pregnancy, I think I'm remembering it in a good light. I hated the morning sickness, and didn't enjoy the cumbersome nature of doing anything at the end. But I did love feelin the baby move and I felt incredibly healthy.

OP posts:

violethill · 24/07/2009 10:42

I think we all agree that empathy is a good thing. But hopefully any decent couple have empathy long before any babies arrive!!

I'm with skidoodle on this one. I'm not of the school of thought that believes everything changes fundamentally the second a couple decide to have kids. IMO, you either have a good relationship already, and discuss and negotiate, or you have a crap relationship, which having kids ain't gonna change!!

I never saw having our first baby as something that sent my life in a different direction from DH's. We were in it together. The idea of giving up alcohol or certain foods is just plain weird and control freaky though. Sounds like the woman in question isn't ready to have a baby at all!

KingCanuteIAm · 24/07/2009 10:43

Sorry, I must have missed the bit where you told us what E had said/done, could you repeat it or remind us?

Oblomov · 24/07/2009 11:03

Madness. Why does HE need to give up alcohol. More importantly, why does SHE ?One glass of wine, here and there, in pregnnacy ? No one will ever make me believe that this could be harmful. The english are so OTT about these things.

Original poster

Chrysanthemum5 · 24/07/2009 11:20

KingCanuteIAm
I probably didn't make it clear enough. A and E have talked about having a baby, and agreed that A would give up alcohol etc. The impression from A is that is E has been invovled in making that decision. So I feel he's being a bit U in that he shouldn't be telling her what to do.

As for their lifestyle after baby that is a whole other thread. E is really keen on having a family but thinks he will still be able to go out almost every night, and all weekend. When I said to him I thought having a baby would require him to spend more time at home he thought I was joking! .

Personally I think it is odd to spend so much time and effort discussion things like wheteher she would eat cheese, I really couldn't be bothered with that. DH and I spent time discussing whether we could support a family - the issue of what I might or might not eat didn't really come up!

OP posts:

KingCanuteIAm · 24/07/2009 11:26

well I think he is entitled to give his thoughts on A drinking in pg, it does affect his baby too - especially if he was a part of a jint decision. I think that is a fairly normal conversation to have when TTC. At least for couples who are a little, erm...anal

It does sound like he is in for a bit of a shock WRT his lifestyle though!

Original poster

Chrysanthemum5 · 24/07/2009 11:29

I think he is in for a shock! We've had a failry strong debate about this in the office, A is unmovable! Mind you she is a very opinionated person so I'm guessing E is pretty used to her!

OP posts:

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