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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Wonder what this woman is thinking??

225 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 22/07/2009 08:32

right before i go any further please read this bit first.
I do NOT have a problem with mix race relationships but i do think this WOMAN takes it to the limit.

she has

dd1 white english
ds1 white irish
dd2 white irish
dd3 white irish
dd4 half turkish
dd5 half indian
ds2 half indian
dd6 white english
ds3 half somalian

is now pg again has 5 grand children all of which are living in her home. she has never worked and always seems to find non working husbands/partners. They have 2 houses knocked into one, and its all paid for by council!

sorry just having a moan

OP posts:
Morloth · 22/07/2009 21:16

llareggub I just meant judging the education/intelligence level of Mumsnet from a single post rather than the overwhelming majority of views on that post is a bit unfair.

TheLadyEvenstar · 22/07/2009 21:37

Nappy, you are correct. If for example she had 3 children 2 dads it wouldn't be a problem but to have soon to be 10 children by 6 fathers, 5 of whom are not around at all (ok this happens with 1 child)and having to try and teach each child about their culture is going to be telling on anyone IF they are indeed able to do it.

OP posts:
imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy · 22/07/2009 21:57

You are worried that these children are going to be bullied because of their varying races? Well yes, that is truly awful - but its only to be expected really isn't it. After all, children are not born racist - they learn it from their parents! So, if your children pick up your attitude, it wouldn't be a huge leap of imagination to think that they will be one of the ones doing the name calling. Lets hope not.

In all your "concern" for this woman, have you ever offered her any practical help, have you enquired to whether she is getting any help at all. Maybe she doesn't need it, maybe she does. Or has the only vent for your concern been slagging her off on here and possibly to your other friends

applepudding · 22/07/2009 22:23

Perhaps what the OP is trying to say is that if people are going to judge a woman for having children with different fathers, because the children all look so different it is more obvious that they have different parentage, and therefore she is holding herself open to further criticism because of this.

Of course people should mind their own business, but in general, a lot of people don't.

TheLadyEvenstar · 22/07/2009 22:37

Imay, until I moved i always helped her out. Looked after the kids for her, took them out etc but I now live elsewhere and I do not see her....

OP posts:
booyhoo · 22/07/2009 22:53

"i dont think its fair for the children involved to have turkish, indian, somalian sibling"

yes its so cruel for these poor white children to have to be around children of other ethnicities.

i really do not believe that your brain allowed you to type that.

you are racist.

TheLadyEvenstar · 22/07/2009 22:57

Booyhoo, errr no its not fair on ANY of the children , they are all subject to racism and bullying and i personally think the mother needs to think before she has any more children.

OP posts:
NotPlayingAnyMore · 22/07/2009 23:14

"they are all subject to racism"

  • that's the fault of the racist, not the mother
booyhoo · 22/07/2009 23:17

so why say its unfair for the children to have turkish, indian, somialian siblings????

you could simply have said its not fair on all the chidren. you didnt need to say the rest.

you clearly have a problem with the fact that some of the children are turkish, indian and somalian. otherwise you wouldnt have said that.

2kidzandi · 22/07/2009 23:17

Dear TLES You know what annoys me most in these sort of discussions. It's the big fat mysogonist, sexist double standard. Well it's o.k to shag as many men as there are dust particles regardless of what race their from. You can even brag about it, wear it as a badge of pride - provided you don't get pregnant. But god forbid that you should have evidence that shows how many men you've slept with (which may not be many,you only have to have a child for 2 different men for people to assume you're a slapper) Us women are stupid because we perpetuate the worst sexist propaganda.

Race: It doesn't make the blindess bit of difference. You say the kids will suffer. I say the kids are only been made to suffer (and their probably oblivious) because of predjudiced ignorant unable-to-see-wood-for the-trees people drawing their differences as opposed to their over-riding similarities - that of having the same mother and half shared dna/being able to donate each other kidneys be aunties, uncles etc etc.

And I say this as a person of mixed heritage. I have 2 children by the same man who is black. As is common with black/dual heritage children, when they were babies they differed in their colouring. One day I popped to our local SPA and was asked by the shop keeper (who like you had obviously been puzzling this strange conundrum and feeling quite appalled at my beligerance) 'why one child was dark and the other fair and did they have the same father?'

Needless to say, I did not reply and he was left looking quite embarrassed, stupid, and ignorant.

That is how you look right now, so I would do some self-examination of your motives and beliefs because prejudice can lie hidden unless you take measures to try and root it out. You must question yourself.

chegirl · 22/07/2009 23:22

Why is the racist bollocks directed at this family by their neighbours their problem?

Why should the mother be casigated for exposing her children to racist comments? The people in the wrong are those making the bloody comments.

I do not think this woman should continue having kids without a way of supporting them. I do not think its a good idea to go from relationship to relationship having children with each man. But the colour/ethnicity of the fathers is irrelevant.

Or is it because it is evidence of her promiscuity? If all the children were white we could all imagine that they had the same father and not get so het up?

Doubt it.

This is stil a lot of good old fashioned bigotry about directed at sluts who is so lacking in self respect they will have sex with black men.

I remember finding the back issues of annual reports published by an org I used to work for. One of their main areas of work was rehabilitating women who had 'gone with' black men. This only applied to those who had proved this by producing children. One phrase remains in my memory 'Unfortunately it is very difficult to rehabilitate these young women as once they have the children, who are unadoptable, the only people that will take them in are the coloureds. Obviously this ruins any chance they have of getting back into civilised society'. Not word perfect but very close. These reports were from the early 60s.

I have been asked with pg 2 & 3 if my children have the same father. This has not happened to my sister btw. I have been asked many times over the years if all of my 4 children have the same dad. I dont believe this is a question that all women are asked in passing.

Actually no, 1 of my kids has a different father but then he has a different mother too! That usually confuses the nosey feckers.

And WHY the holy feck is it ok and even wonderful for Ms Madonna to collect children according to whim? They all have different dads and mums and they are different colours and cultures. Those children are supposed to be greatful.

booyhoo · 22/07/2009 23:22

2kidz im and for you that someone asked you that. what the hell business was it of his?

TheLadyEvenstar · 22/07/2009 23:24

hang on a minute, let me just state a few things.

I am not racist, i am not puzzling over and strange conundrum the woman has had 6 men father 10 children and I have known 3 of these men. I met them and tbh i have no problem with them. Her choice however the children are aware of the different fathers they have especially the older ones.

I know a woman who has 2 mixed race children one born blonde haired and dark skinned the other vice versa, in fact SHE put the lighter skinned one in the sun when he was new born because of this...and this was 20+ years ago.

I have no predjudices at all, and why on earth do i need to self examine simply because my views and opinions differ to yours and others? if we all thought the same it would be a boring world.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 22/07/2009 23:27

then why mention race at all?

can you answer that question?

why did you mention the race of these children in your OP? i am asking this seriously to try and better understand you.

chegirl · 22/07/2009 23:30

Sorry 2kidz missed your post with similar experience to me. SEE it DOES happen doesnt it?

People think I am making it up.

TheLadyEvenstar · 22/07/2009 23:32

Booyhoo, no particular reason, it was more the point that she is questioning now why her daughters are following her lead and she is not happy about it.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 22/07/2009 23:34

well, mentioning it makes it appear as though you have an issue with it, and your following posts did nothing to dispel the image.

TheLadyEvenstar · 22/07/2009 23:40

Booyhoo actually you are wrong, you will if you re read see I have said many times I am concerned for the children i have heard the things said to them, I have seen the elder girls stay off of school to tend to the younger ones. Plus many other things for example one of the fathers pull a knife on the mother in front of the children who were then a lot younger. I have been witness to one of the fathers trying to snatch one of the dd;s to return to their home country with her.....it was not nice to see. And this husband now is (again she told me this) married to her so he can stay in the country. i feel sorry for her, have offered and given help in the past, found her dc schools etc as she was busy with the baby at the time. She went to hell and back and back again, she in some ways seems on self destruct. It is sad to see that she is of such a low opinion of herself that she subjects herself to being used time and again, the men (aside from this one) never stick around, and the dc lose yet another male role model, another father, like it or not what she is doing is thinking of her needs before her childrens in many ways.

Now if i had come on and said she has 10 kids by 6 men I would not be being slated now, but unfortunatly i like to give all the facts.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 22/07/2009 23:45

fine, all that may be true and if so is awful. but none of it has to do with race so mentioning it served no purpose.

but ok, i and all the other posters are wrong. you are right.

goodnight

TheLadyEvenstar · 22/07/2009 23:49

I have not said you or the others are wrong. I am saying the reason I am concerned are above.

And yes the race of the father who tried to snatch his dd was the reason he was taking her to his home country.....he had gone to the extent of having got a passport. and tickets back for both of them....

OP posts:
booyhoo · 22/07/2009 23:52

"booyhoo actually you are wrong"

2kidzandi · 22/07/2009 23:55

Booyhoo, I was as well! It took months before I could walk in that shop again knowing what the guys that worked there had been thinking. Chegirl, you and me both . People don't believe me when I tell them about the ignorant resposes I used to get when people saw my kids. I sometimes felt like wearing a 'Yes they have the same Father' T-shirt. I feel quite tearful now, remembering some of them. The worst was when a cousin I rarely saw came all the way from North London to see my 2nd DS only to stare when she saw him and ask 'what side' of 'his'(dads)family did he (the 'dark' one) take after? And for 2 years his father's mother called 1st DS 'pink.'(the 'fair' one) Ignorance. Pure and simple.

Thelady(?)eveningstar you are the classic of a person who does not believe they are racist but has prejudices that suddenly come out when confronted by a challenging situation which appears tp conform to sterotype. I think before you continue that you should consider the effect you are having on others/giving of yourself.

TheLadyEvenstar · 22/07/2009 23:56

Booyhoo and the full sentence was???

"Booyhoo actually you are wrong, you will if you re read see I have said many times I am concerned for the children"

In reply to

By booyhoo on Wed 22-Jul-09 23:34:06
well, mentioning it makes it appear as though you have an issue with it, "and your following posts did nothing to dispel the image"

OP posts:
booyhoo · 22/07/2009 23:59

"i have not said you and the others are wrong"

"booyhoo actually you are wrong"

yes you did.

booyhoo · 23/07/2009 00:00

and your following posts didnt do anything to dispel the image. i still think you're racist.