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Original poster

The silliest thing YOU have said during in labour/childbirth

221 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 17/05/2009 10:13

Me when i went into labour with ds1, I phoned my mum in tears telling her

"I'm not ready to do this yet, I don't want to do it today"

OP posts:
TBCoalman · 22/05/2009 13:12

I suddenly became enraged as I realised that all our family, who had kindly come to my house to look after the other children, were in MY house, having some kind of fucking party whilst I had to be in stinking fucking hospital having a baby.

I remember snarling 'they'll all be there, playing with my pram. I want to play with the pram. The selfish, selfish bastards'.

TBCoalman · 22/05/2009 13:15

Oh, and on hearing that it was too late for an epidural, I whispered to the midwife 'We could pretend that we can't see the head. I'll lie on my side and cover myself with the sheet. He won't notice the head. Really, he won't. I'll be really quiet. See, this is me being quiet, shhhh...'

She refused to cooperate.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 22/05/2009 13:29

In the birthing pool, over 6cm dilated DS2 was making a fast appearance and I thought I had been shot, I burst into tears, there was a really loud pop and a gush which I thought was blood from the wound, so I daren't move just kept shouting to the midwife "OMG I've been shot!" (was my waters breaking )

Then when she was stitching me she stuck her finger up my bum to check she had't stitched through and I started talking to her about bumsex and how people seem to really enjoy having things up there (gas and air to blame)

KERALA1 · 22/05/2009 14:09

When my waters broke (5 weeks early) "it can't be the waters breaking I havent had my pregnancy massage yet". I was so looking forward to the pregnancy massage...

Post operative (emergency c-section) I asked if the lovely muslim anathetist was pregnant because she was wearing a burka type thing. Of course she wasnt and I was mortified that I'd been so rude/socially inept. She was sweet about it though.

Reallytired · 22/05/2009 14:14

I feel a bit embrassed about what I said in labour. I didn't even have excuse of being drunk on gas and air as the only pain relief I had was TENS.

Me: I need a poo,

Reallytired goes to toilet and can't poo

Me: OMG if I can't poo, how on earth am I going to give birth to a baby

MW ignores me and tells me to get off the toilet.

Me: OMG my uterus is prolapsing. Something strange is coming out of my vagina.

MW: Thats not your uterus, it the baby's head.

pramspotter · 22/05/2009 14:29

When I was having dc3 I very clearly heard a relative who had been dead 6 months (at that time) telling me to get the midwife to do another check right away. My labour was going very smoothly and straight forward and midwife was out of the room.

I swear I could hear him clear as a bell, talking to me but I kept laughing and telling him that "you are dead, you aren't here and you don't know what is going on". He kept sternly telling me to tell dh to get the midwife NOW. I finally told DH that so and so told me to tell him to get the midwife right away.

DH looked at me like I was nuts because so and so had died 6 months prior to this, but he did go and get a MW. Moments later I was being whisked into theatre having an emergency section. Baby would not have survived if I had carried on apparantly.

pramspotter · 22/05/2009 14:36

It was so weird because I could only ever hear his voice at the peak of the contractions.

bumpybecky · 22/05/2009 14:55

oooh pramspotter, that's made me go all shivery!

I don't remember saying anything sily, but did have odd injuries for the first two..

with dd1 I'd pushed the G&A mask so hard into my face I had a bruise at the bridge of my nose for days afterwards! also the tube fell off the mask at one point and I refused to hand it over so they could fix it back on I've got a really clear memory of half hanging over the side of the bed with the mask pressed against my ear. Again I refused to let them have it back. I loved that G&A!

with dd2 I managed to headbutt the kitchen worktop during a contraction. DH watched me do it, I didn't flinch at all. I was really confused the next day where this huge bruise had come from!

HeftyMutha · 22/05/2009 20:24

While having placenta manually removed under epidural in operating theatre...

Obstetrician: Once you get your legs back, I'm sure you'll feel fine (as in, once you get the sensation in your legs back)

Hefty: But I don't want my legs back, I want Julia Roberts'

Obstetrician: But you've got very nice legs (this is while they were up in stirrups and I hadn't shaved them in four days or so because I hadn't expected to go into labour so soon)

Then DH was offered our newborn DS to hold and said:

"I don't dare. I might drop him"

Obstetrician: "Don't worry, babies bounce"

TheSalmonofDoubt · 22/05/2009 20:26

Having just delivered dd quite quickly, I looked at her, intended to say "It's a girl" and came out with, "It's a baby."

Also kept apologising for echoing mammoth farts which had dh & midwife in fits as it was actually the gas & air canister burbling.

Amiable · 26/05/2009 12:57

I was having difficulties with the actual birth - the baby was dancing the hokey-cokey, you know, everytime I pushed the head would come out a bit further, then as soon as I stopped the little "darling" would pop back in again!

After a while of this, with everyone being very encouraging, my patience, and energy were wearing thin. Then the MW said, "come on Amiable, I can see a lovely handful of hair" To which I responded, "well, pull it out by its f*cking hair then"!

Not long after that they got the ventouse out...

susie100 · 26/05/2009 13:04

'This isn't that bad'

Seriously, I had NO IDEA how bad it was going to get.

Amapoleon · 26/05/2009 13:06

I told the anaesthetist that I would snog him if he took the pain away, luckily he didn't speak much English!

lightatheendofthetunnel · 26/05/2009 13:07

It's BURNIIIIIING
(When crowning)
'You don't say....' says DH

wishingchair · 26/05/2009 17:50

Got out of the pool to be scanned again and looked down to see something floating in there "OMG please don't look everyone but I think I've passed something big and it's disgusting". DH phsl as he held up natural sponge I'd insisted on bringing with me. (in my defence, they do look weird in water)

deste · 26/05/2009 22:24

When my DS was born prematurely and was rather small I actually said "is that it". I then said to DH when they handed me our baby, "I am so happy you could have handed me a monkey and I would still be happy". God did I really say that. We did wait an awfull long time for a baby.

luvoneson · 26/05/2009 22:54

'I think i've just done a plop' I did as well, it was vile.

Alambil · 26/05/2009 22:56

I said two very silly things;

Number 1 - sat on the loo for an hour.... "It's not coming, I just need the toilet!"

and literally just after giving birth: "It wasn't THAT bad, I'll do it again!"

Gillyan · 27/05/2009 11:56

When I was screaming for an epidural - they couldn't get a canular in my hand to start with and there was no anesthetist available and thenI was already 10 cm so no time and I screamed at the midwives and told them...'this is a fucking conspiracy, you just don't want me to have one!'

very funny lookig back

TiggyR · 28/05/2009 23:09

With my first labour (16 years ago) I'd spent months planning it all, you know, birth plan reading like War and Peace, and a bag packed with enough kit to survive not only all aspects of childbirth and subequent hospitalisation, but nuclear fallout, famine and plague as well. One of my genius ideas was to go armed with a pile of tapes of my favourite music all lovingly compiled by moi, and a tape recorder. (OK Showing my age now, no ipod downloads back then.) My husband had packed all the tapes I'd made, and a few extra ones for good measure. At just around the fully dilated stage, I was lost in a hazy fog of gas and air, and doing that awful wounded buffalo groaning thing, to the strains Van Morrison's Astral Weeks, when up piped Madonna. I sat up, pulled the gas and air thing away from my face and said 'What the hell is this? I never brought Madonna. I hate Madonna. Take it off now! No baby of mine is being born to Madonna!'

Actually I think I was being entirely reasonable.

Twinklemegan · 28/05/2009 23:15

I ended up begging the MW for a ventouse delivery because by that time I was convinced DS wasn't coming out, ever. Luckily she ignored me.

Other than that, I really didn't say much at all - once I'd stopped screaming through the 1st stage. I was "in the zone".

Dalrymps · 28/05/2009 23:28

I didn't say anything funny as far as I can remember but I did kick my DH's glasses off whilst pushing

NancysGarden · 28/05/2009 23:39

This thread is hilarious....my highlight was waiting until I thought MW was out of earshot (apparently she wasn't) and saying very loudly "that midwife...she's a real bitch" which then made my thankyous when all was said and done, a little false don't you think?

Midge25 · 28/05/2009 23:45

To DH, whilst tripping on gas, air and pethidine: "why are you sprinkling anchovies on the lawn?" And (indicating a solid brick wall) "I can see your car through that."

HecatesTwopenceworth · 31/05/2009 17:31

Daftest thing I did during labour was to take 2 big books to the delivery suite In my defence it was my first birth!

Daftest thing I have said, how to choose? probably when the dr was breaking my waters with that hook they use and I asked him where his sheep were and then giggled for over 5 minutes . He turned to my husband and said "I think it's (the gas & air) working."