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Original poster

The silliest thing YOU have said during in labour/childbirth

221 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 17/05/2009 10:13

Me when i went into labour with ds1, I phoned my mum in tears telling her

"I'm not ready to do this yet, I don't want to do it today"

OP posts:
Clary · 18/05/2009 00:57

Lol at this thread.

I said "I've changed my mind, I'll have that CS after all" as I was pushing out DD.

And during one labour I started speaking in tongues - well not really, but I asked DH to take off my glasses (I was getting very hot and they were really annoying me) and he literally couldn't understand what I was saying

Luckily the midwife could!

Clary · 18/05/2009 01:00

roffle @ hairymuff and a boy without a willy, grea Blackadder reference!

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 18/05/2009 01:06

Should I show my DS and his pregnant GF this thread, do you think? And the one about stupid things DP have said/done while you were in labour? Or would that just worry everyone?

undecided

Clary · 18/05/2009 01:15

nonononono

No

kickassangel · 18/05/2009 01:33

having been in hospital on & off for several days, and been induced, then up all night with contractions, the nurses very helpfully told me the next morning 'whatever happens, you're having your baby today'
they were a bit surpised when i said, 'oh, it's ok, i don't mind waiting. i have nothing on this weekend'

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 18/05/2009 01:43

LOL@ Clary, OK, I won't.

thell · 18/05/2009 01:47

Blimey, I kept finding that I couldn't say the things I wanted to on G&A. I had quite rational thoughts and statements running through my head, but before I could get them to my mouth my brain stepped in with 'No Thell, you are too busy birthing a baby to devote energy to talking.'

So all that kept coming out in answer to any questions or requests from the MWs or DH was a great mooing 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!'

So they kept looking at each other like I was out of it, and I kept thinking, 'Why don't they understand what I'm trying to say ?!'

DeathbyDora · 18/05/2009 02:31

Giving birth to DS (second child) "Oh fuck...I remember this part!" as DS's head was coming out. That was just before I bit DH and shouted "tell me something I don't fucking KNOW!!" when they told me the head was out.

Apparently I also told the doctor that I felt like "someone had kicked me right up the arse" when he asked how I was feeling just afterwards

TheScarletMacdog · 18/05/2009 06:25

After a few whiffs of gas & air dh says I sort of dozed for a few seconds.
I woke up, saw the student midwife at the resuscitaire and enquired "oh have I had it then?"

CarmenSanDiego · 18/05/2009 07:20

These are great

My most stupid:

We live in a rather fascist gated community. At 1am, in very heavy labour during a home birth with DS, on all fours, sweating in my nightie... The midwife went out to her car to find a parking ticket:

Me: "Don't worry! I'll go down to the office in a minute and tell them off! Just after the next contraction!"

With DD1, I was in labour for days...

Chatting to the midwife about how I used to work with computers while they put an epidural in:

MW: "Oh, you could come and fix ours on the ward, it's always on the blink"
Me: "I'm on maternity leave!"

Once they'd given me diamorphine, I became transfixed on the flowery curtain. "Don't worry, I'll just sit here and watch the flowers dance!"

Most embarrassing: On being stitched up after DD2, I asked the nice young male obstetrician whether I'd be able to shoot ping-pong balls out of my fanjo

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 18/05/2009 08:30

After having DS1 and in need of stitches they wanted to take me to surgery, which i refused and told them if i could give birth with no pain relief i could cope with being stitched up. Cue in coming a "gorgeous" surgeon, who i promptly asked if

"Would you like to join me laying down here cos you are rather tasty"

My only excuse is the pain i was in. ex p was not very happy.

OP posts:
largeginandtonic · 18/05/2009 08:33

I shouted to MIL who was hovering at the door (HB) in transistion that she must NOT forget the lunchboxes...

She was getting all the children ready for school downstairs

Sheeta · 18/05/2009 11:09

I was linked up to various monitors - one for me, one for DS, one for the drip... all beeping and clicking at once.

One huge drag of G&A and..

"sounds like a rave in here"

I was dancing away to the music in my head, it was awesome

SparklingSarah · 18/05/2009 13:55

oh god ROFL!

Older one was

no no no not NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! as I knee crawled through the conservatory telling my nan who I was nannysitting ( bless her!!) that yes of course I was fine and she wasn't to get up and help.
I called an ambulance and the controller kept telling me to take my trousers & knickers off
so I was shouting at him NOW is NOT the time for that! I'll compalin about misconduct!!

When the paramedics arrived I said no no maybe later one of them quipped shoulda said that 9 months ago love!
and sat me on the sofa said ok lets get the sofa covered so I said the sofa is new my mum will kill me!!
so he said sofa or front lawn?! - sofa was finnnnnnnnne!!

MW arrived eventually and delivered placenta
only to trip on the rug and SPLAT it EVVVVVVVVVERYWHERE!!

With Daniel I was waffling oh great I wanted the man! you delivered my friend's baby he kept saying yes ok great but can we focus on you sweetie?
then I said to OH oh no I can't do this I'm going and started wandering off - quite where I don't know!
then about 2 mins later I said oh fuckity too late it's a head!
then I heard it's a BOY so I yelled you're LYING?!!!!? and fell over myself to roll onto my bum to hold him to look for his gibblies!! !

FrankMustard · 18/05/2009 13:57

Apparently I spent the whole time in labour with ds4 apologising for being slow - he was born less than 2 hours after the first contraction!
I also apologised for being noisy - and again apparently I wasn't being noisy...although I seem to remember I did whinny like a horse at one point....

Baisey · 18/05/2009 16:38

As my DS head was crowning I shouted at my MW to give me an "Epi-fucking-dural"
I also tried the "I cant do it anymore can we just go home"

minouminou · 19/05/2009 13:38

With DS1, I'd been on gas and air for ages waiting for the anaesthetist, and when she arrived, I thought she was Oliver Reed, and that I was in a formal meeting with him/her.
As she was prepping me and giving me all the legal disclaimer speech, I interrupted, very archly, with "Yes, yes, I'm aware this is a legal requirement, but could I have the precis version, as I'm in a lot of pain".
She and DP looked at each other in that "Ooooh, well get HER" Reeves and Mortimer raised-handbag manner.
With DD1 last month - 5-hour labour, no time for an epidural, I was like "IneedheroutIneedheroutIneedher out(sucks furiously on gas and air) HaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! IneedheroutIneedherout....." You get the picture.
I also at one point removed the G&A tube from my mouth and asked the midwife "How in the blue FUCK did they do this without pain relief? Perverts!!!!!".
Thankfully, she was 3 or 4 pushes and out, as it was a rather shocking, but efficient labour.

ChocEclair · 19/05/2009 15:01

I was also another one who told the anaesthetist I loved him. He said I was the second woman who had said that today!

I ended up being rushed back into hospital 8 days after the emcs with an infection. When the ambulance arrived I was in lots of pain so they gave me G&A on way to hospital.

I said to the guy in the back with me "I recognise the driver, but I don't think he's seen me without my clothes on before!" (They rescued me from the bath, hence the nakedness)

I was also berating him for his bad driving as every bump was agony - calling him a poor excuse for a driver, and asking if he thought he was Michael Schumacher!"

tootyflooty · 19/05/2009 15:20

with ds1 , mid push I asked my dh if he had set the video for Eastenders !

With my twins, the consultant was watching from the theatre door as dc2 was delivered, ( very hunky man!) I said to my dh , he's looking at me I don't have any make up on, my dh sweetly replied it's ok, he's not looking at your face!!!

muffintop · 19/05/2009 15:44

After a long labour and still feeling the effects of pethidine, I was being stitched after an episiotomy and tearing and needed stitches inside and out .

I said to the doctor "you have been down there long enough what are you doing making a fu**ing patchwork quilt!" - my mother was mortified.

But in my defence the anaesthetic was starting to wear off and I could feel some of the stitches!!

Homebird8 · 19/05/2009 15:57

At 9cm with DS1 to DH "You're doing the next baby". Can't imagine why I didn't stick to that!

Wilkiepedia · 19/05/2009 16:00

I was high on G&A when the anaethsatist gave me an epi, I told her I loved her so much.

Then I had a new MW half way through (again still a bit high) and she had a really unusual name and I said 'Hello x I'm x, what a weird name you've got'

stripeypineapple · 19/05/2009 16:05

By pepperrabbit on Sun 17-May-09 11:23:48

During a protracted 3rd stage I believe I actually said out loud, "I'm telling them I'm pushing, but I'm not really, ha ha ha"
Doh.

That is the funniest. Ever.

Lizzylou · 19/05/2009 16:46

These are so funny, have been crying with laughter

With DS1, had a 48hr labour and an ^awful lot of Gas and air. I was gabbling on about Harold Bishop and asking where he was.
DH had to get all scrubbed up (thought it would be an Em C/S, was ventouse in the end), I said "Phwooaar, you look just like George Clooney".
They'd given me a spinal (thought it was going to be c/s) so when they were putting my feet into stirrups to stitch me up I couldn't feel a thing.
"Whose massive skanky feet are they??"
They'd be mine then.

With DS2 who was a whopper, had much shorter labour but another ventouse. Every push I swore, then apologised in between (My Mom had said not to lose my dignity). When the on-call Consultant was stitching me up and I said that it hurt, he said it couldn't do
"How do you know, you're a Fucking man"

pepperrabbit · 19/05/2009 21:58

stripeypineapple - you can be my best friend!