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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The silliest thing YOU have said during in labour/childbirth

221 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 17/05/2009 10:13

Me when i went into labour with ds1, I phoned my mum in tears telling her

"I'm not ready to do this yet, I don't want to do it today"

OP posts:
pinkstarfish · 17/05/2009 18:00

7cm dilated, 29 hours into labour, gas and air only, horrific, agonizing pain, exhausted and totally confused and delirious.

Me to DH while on a 4th floor ward:

"help me open the window so I can jump, it's OK, I'll make it look like suicide. You won't in in trouble or anything, I promise. C'mon give me a hand"

....while frantically trying to open the window and frothing at the mouth at the thought of being dead and in no more pain.

DP shouting down the corridor: "More gas and air please. And hurry!....."

LissyGlitter · 17/05/2009 18:01

My DP tried to reassure me that soon I would have a beautiful baby to cuddle. I shouted "you can shove your baby up your arse! Maybe then you'd know what it feels like!"

When she was finally born (section, I'd had morphine) I insisted that he go and actually check - properly - that it wasn't a kitten, because it sounded very like one.

treedelivery · 17/05/2009 18:06

A lady once asked me if I was absolutely sure she had given birth, she was bf at the time but took quite a bit of persuation. I really had to go register her birth and notify her etc and make the much needed tea and toast, but I didn't dare leave the room incase she just didn't process the baby and got up or something. Gas and air and a whole load of endorphins!

DontlookatmeImshy · 17/05/2009 18:07

lol at treedelivery's "big shit"

After a week in AN ward for threatened pre-term labour.
Me in toilet on AN ward in considerable pain and after begging an enema of the midwife for my "constipation"

Consultant examining me "Are you sure you're not in labour"
Me "No I'm just constipated" (i was convinced as i hadn't been for a week!)

Turns out i was 8cm dilated and ds2 turned up 2 hours later.

TheCrackFox · 17/05/2009 18:17

But sometimes a feed can take an hour or so and half an hour later they want fed again.

Sometimes you just have to whip them out because there is no where quiet.

TheCrackFox · 17/05/2009 18:23

Sorry wrong thread.

DrNortherner · 17/05/2009 18:25

A freind of mine sang the words to the Club advert all throughout her labour - "If you like a lot of chocolate on yuor biscuit join our club"

The midwife apparantly joined in towards the end!

GYo · 17/05/2009 18:29

ok, this might be a bit black... and think DH is still traumatised

DH is fab cook and has huge selection of v sharps chefs knives.

After 10hrs of labour I was about 8cm dilated, v big baby, no pain relief. Me to DH:

"Please just kill me to take away the pain. Just get one of your knives, they are sharp enough"

I can recall visualising the knife rack very clearly whilst saying that...

DH wont let me forget it!!

frasersmummy · 17/05/2009 18:31

apparently (I dont remember) I told dh well it beat bloody well walking round B&Q in the middle of winter when there are no bloody plants to plant in the ground

midwife was like ehh where did that come from??

GYo · 17/05/2009 18:33

one more, as it was a home birth and i'd been at it all night the lights were on.

I was rather preoccupied with this (again at about transition!and was trying to explain they needed turning off...

No one listened to me. Odd that

BillSilverFoxBuchanan · 17/05/2009 18:34

After two days of painful labour that wasn't doing anything I finally went into the labour ward and asked for an epidural.

The midwife was gone for aaaaages.

Cue me shouting "where the fuck is the anaesthetist" at the top of my voice down the hallway.

frasersmummy · 17/05/2009 18:34

I was also the labour ward entertainment for the afternoon

mw told me pethadine might give me an itchy nose.. no not as I rubbed it like mad.

Cue loads of mws, doctors etc coming to ask me if I had an itchy nose... dh said If I was aware I would have been mad .. as it was I just kept laughing and saying no not me as I rubbed it

LuckySalem · 17/05/2009 18:38

I was trying for a homebirth with DD and we'd set the pool up but they didn't have an underwater doppler so they kept asking me to get up so they could monitor it.

After about 5/6 times I said right thats it now I've had enough so they said just one more time then baby will be here so I got up again and they monitored. I got comfy and then they wanted to monitor again so I told them to "f off, as they said it was the last time so that's it" DP then MADE me get up so I threw water at him and said that's it get a knife.

I should have known I'd end up in hospital with an emerg C/S after that.

monkeypinkmonkey · 17/05/2009 18:42

To my redheaded midwife whilst she was checking out a crowning ds.... 'it's not ginger is it? Tell me it's not ginger!'
Also... 'Get me a bloody doctor!!!!'

KingCanuteIAm · 17/05/2009 18:50

MW "Right Darling you need to start pushing now" (patronising much?)

Me "Well get you F*ing arm out of me then, I can't push with that there"

MW "That's your baby Love"

Me "oh" I was very confused, it felt like her arm!

treedelivery · 17/05/2009 18:51

Monkey - maybe it was me!

Peachy · 17/05/2009 19:08

Not said but did- part way through having DS2 I decided DH needed a battle tale for his mates, turned around and bit him in the chest.

I have no idea what prompted that.

Also I suppose with ds4 the immortal I'm not actually in labour- that led to one MW not having time to actually make the bitrth (we gave them 30 minutes notice).

I actually tend to do the reverse to silliness though- I came completely out of transition and G&A fog to statevery clearly that I didnt have rhesus negative and wouldn't require Anti_D, when they coudln't find the section in my notes-, MW said they were very impressed LOL.

ruddynorah · 17/05/2009 19:25

out of my mind on G&A i looked at dh, who had been right by my side for the 20 odd hours i'd been in labour, and said

'oh are you STILL here?!'

in the very very early stages when still at home i remember leaning with my head on the dining table shouting at dh

'you're going to have to ring the hospital and tell them i need this cutting out, i'm not doing this ANY longer, ring them NOW!'

that was about ooooh, 3 hours into a 27 hour back to back labour.

hockeypuck · 17/05/2009 19:35

You know that episode of Friends when Ben Stiller goes completely nuts about random stuff but only in the presence of Chandler, not the others. I was like that.

I had a midwife and student midwife in the room all night (24 hour labour before EMCS) and they just kept talking, but talking about really inane crap. Once the epidural took effect I was trying to sleep, but they kept talking to each other about shopping, food etc.

I had my eyes closed and heard the door close and assumed they had both left the room and launched into a tirade to DH "Oh FFS, the yippety, yappety pieces of yippity crap, oh I'm so clever, I'm a midwife, Oh I cn shop too, look at me, f-ing stupid people, why can't they both shut up and go to hell and let me sleep" (with a few more expletives thrown in). DH just made a nervous laugh, so I said "and you can shut up too, be a fing man and tell the yappity women to shut the f**k up, you useless waste of space". (in my defence I'd been awake for about 50 hours by this point and was exhausted). I opened my eyes and the student midwife had been there all along, which explained the nervous laugh from DH (too embarassed by her presence to agree with me, too nervous of my wrath to keep quiet).

and then a few hours later, when I ran out of gas and air and accused the midwife of taking it to "Give it back, I bet you've taken it to sell on the streets, you sadistic cow"

My final piece de resistance was when I was having the drain removed from my c-section and the midwife kindly gave me more gas and air. I halucinated that Miss, Piggy, Fozzy bear and Kermit were removing it and I said "Back off Miss Piggy, this is important medical business and you're getting in the way"

I'm actually ashamed to write those because I sound like a right fishwife! Will it make you any more sympathetic if I tell you that when I had DS 4 years later, I was the epitomy of decorum throughout?

Copypasta · 17/05/2009 19:39

'You're movin with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air!'

RhinestoneCowgirl · 17/05/2009 19:40

I want to go home (during a homebirth...)

screamingabdab · 17/05/2009 19:40

I was in the operating theatre, scared to death about to have emergency C-section, and a bit high on gas and air and pethidine

The anaesthetist was spraying cold water up and down my body to check I was properly numbed, and I said "Well I didn't expect to have a strange man spraying my nipples with water today" .

Blank disapproving faces all round

melpomene · 17/05/2009 19:43

In labour with dd1 (on gas and air): There are magic snails climbing up the curtains!

In labour with dd2: aaaaagh! aaaaagh! It hurts so much I must be in transition! (Midwife arrived soon afterwards and informed me that I was only 1cm dilated )

treedelivery · 17/05/2009 19:48

Rofl at Copypasta

angrypixie · 17/05/2009 19:50

Between contractions I looked up at DH with best bambi eyes and said 'If you l truly love me you'll make this stop.'