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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Need the MN Jury because I am so angry I've lost all sense of perspective.

273 replies

NeedMNJury · 04/05/2009 14:39

Right, basic facts.

On Saturday some friends came up to stay for a night. She's a very close old friend from where we used to live, her dcs are similar ages to mine, our dh's get along, we haven't met up since the beginning of December so we decided to meet at our house.

They arrived early afternoon. We had lunch in the garden, a few drinks while the dcs played, all very relaxed and fun.

About 3pm dh receives a text from an old mate of his whose mum lives in our village. Does DH fancy a quick drink in the pub about 4pm?

DH hasn't seen this mate since the mate's dad's funeral at the end of November so we agreed that DH and Friend's DH would go and meet up with this mate in the pub while Friend and I took all 5 dcs for a walk with the dog then met them at the pub.

We duly turned up at the pub about 5pm. The 3 blokes were settled in nicely with their 2nd pint. Friend and I got drinks for ourselves and the dcs and spent the next hour dealing with dcs in the way that you do when you have 2x5yos, 2x 3yos and 1x 2yo with you in a public place. Pushing them on the swings, resolving fights, trying to stop them annoying the rest of the customers, etc.

The 3 blokes got through another 2 pints while we there and then the dcs got to the point about 6:30 where they really needed to go home. The 3 blokes still had about half a pint left to drink so Friend and I said that we'd start walking back with the dcs as long as they finished their drinks and came straight back.

I think so far I've been pretty reasonable, no? He's had time in the pub, dc-less. He's had a good couple of hours to catch up with his mate and have a few beers, now it's time for him to reassume parental duties.

The usually 15 minute walk home takes us 35 minutes because the dcs are knackered and getting stroppy. 2yo is in a buggy so at one point I'm carrying my 3yo on my shoulders while pushing the buggy, friend is carrying her 3yo while ensuring the 5yos don't get run over because there are no footpaths in our village.

By the time we get home there is still no sign of them.

I get the blow up mattress out of the garage (should have been DH's job), go upstairs and discover that at some point, unbeknown to us, 3 of them have snaffled the little packets of sugar from the pub and emptied them all over dc1's room.

So now I have to hoover the whole of dc1's room, blow up the mattress, make the bed, then get 3 exhausted dcs into bed. On my Own.

Friend did a great job of keeping them calm downstairs while I sorted upstairs.

DH and Friend's DH finally roll in about an hour and a quarter after we left the pub, just as we were getting the dcs upstairs.

DH puts our older 2 to bed while I deal with the 2yo who by that point has entirely lost the plot and has a screaming tantrum for half an hour before collapsing in exhaustion and I get him into bed.

DH has got the meal cooked by the time I get back downstairs (it was already made, he only had to put rice on and reheat the casserole) so we sit down to eat.

I manage about half of mine before dc3 starts crying. So up I go.

10 minutes later I come down. Couple more mouthfuls.

Dc2 starts crying, so up I go.

10 minutes later I come down. Couple more mouthfuls.

Dc3 starts crying again, so up I go.

All bloody evening.

I finally got to bed at 2 AM having not spent more than 15 minutes downstairs talking to my friends.

I was so bloody angry with him. I had to be civil with him yesterday while Friend was still here but in the evening I brought it up and he said he wasn't being unreasonable about it because he hadn't seen his mate for months and they stayed for longer because they were 'catching up'. Bear in mind that his mate currently spends about half the week at his mum's in our village so they have ample opportunity to meet up again pretty imminently.

I pointed out that I hadn't seen Friend for that long either and that I was quite looking forward to catching up with her with being constantly interrupted by dcs but I didn't get to do it because of him.

I then stormed off and went to bed so I'm still steaming about it today.

AIBU to be fuming and want him to apologise and accept he was completely out of order?

OP posts:
mrsmaidamess · 04/05/2009 14:43

Ok. He was late, that would piss me off. But why didn't you say 'Your turn' when you had already been upstairs once?

There's little point keep running up to see to them then resenting your dh for not doing it.

IMO Men are blinkered anyway, they only deal with what's directly in front of them , in your dh's case, a friend and a pint, while women are thinking about the bigger picture

PenelopePitstops · 04/05/2009 14:43

not his fault ths kids were up all night, but yes he could have gone up instead of you

chalk it up to experience

bigchris · 04/05/2009 14:43

tbh I think yabu
why din't you ask him to see to dc3, what was he doing?
it's not like he was in the pub all day which is so often the case
he did come back and help
it all sounds a bit petty
didn't you get the next morning to talk to your friend? tbh I would have been glad to get the men folk out the way, hosting friend's husbands isn't usually tht much fun

bigchris · 04/05/2009 14:45

imo if you want to spend time with your friend without kids and blokes getting in the way organise a weekend for just the 2 of you, that's what we do, I have girlie weekends, dh has blokey weekends, everyone happy
a houseful of kids is not my idea of a good time

treedelivery · 04/05/2009 14:47

He was late [but I think I would have had a 3rd crafy one too tbh ]

Think you needed to say 'your turn' in the evening and down parenting tools. Men either don't see it or won't see it. It is the order of things. Sigh.

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 04/05/2009 14:47

I wouldn't have been annoyed about the pub as he had 2 friends with him - bear in mind it could have been the husband of the couple staying with you who might have gone up to get another pint in.

You should have said as soon as the kids started waking up constantly "ok, we have to take it in turns so I can sit and talk to my mate".

For gods sake don't get into the "I'm not talking to you til you apologise to me" as you'll be there all week.

Sorry you've had a shitty weekend

NeedMNJury · 04/05/2009 14:50

He did go up to dc2 at one point but she had screaming abdabs at him and wouldn't let him near her and dc3 is like that all the time with him.

He'd also had at least 4 pints in the pub and a good few bottles of beer through the afternoon and with dinner so he wasn't exactly sober either.

I didn't get time to have childless time with my friend yesterday morning because the dcs were up at 6:30 and we were out and about doing things for the rest of the day.

Having time with just the 2 of us isn't an option. Neither of us can afford a weekend away which is the only way we'd escape fully from dcs/dhs.

OP posts:
scienceteacher · 04/05/2009 14:50

I think you are being a tad precious.

Your DH did not plan to go to the pub, and I'm sure that it was important to spend time with a friend who was recently bereaved. You gave him your blessing.

I am fairly pragmatic about men, long-lost friends, and pubs. I don't expect them to have only 1 or 2 rounds.

It's not that big a deal to put children to bed, and the fact you had to make up the room was something that lost out to the unexpected call from the bereaved friend. DH did help out with the meal prep.

It sounds like it was an action packed day that went slightly out of control. No one's fault.

DandyLioness · 04/05/2009 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

treedelivery · 04/05/2009 14:55

Sorry your weekend was pants btw.

gardeningmum05 · 04/05/2009 14:55

lifes too short, make up, thats the best bit

FabulousBakerGirl · 04/05/2009 14:58

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Your Dh didn't exactly do a lot when he was there to help and you shouldn't have to say to him it is his turn to sort the kids out.

NeedMNJury · 04/05/2009 15:00

Can I just make it clear that it wasn't a cry for help from this mate. They didn't go because his mate was upset, his mate just fancied a pint and dh happened to be about.

It just seriously pisses me off that he is too self absorbed after a few pints to think about anything other than having a good time.

OP posts:
bigchris · 04/05/2009 15:02

you could have sad 'right, now your back me and mate will go to the pub for a few'
you don't need to be a martyr just assertive
if you can't afford to go away with your mate then you go to her house and stay the night and her dh can take her kids to yours and him and dh can have all the kids
there are ways and means , you just have to put your foot down and decide how it's going to be

treedelivery · 04/05/2009 15:02

I have to say...I am the same after a few pints. Often to be found ferriting about for high heels to go disco dancing in. As if.

Could you leave them with him and go see her for the night in a few months or weeks? Might make you feel you had your time, which you richly deserve, as do we all.

jeminthecity · 04/05/2009 15:03

Agree with majority of early posters, sorry.

jeminthecity · 04/05/2009 15:05

And later ones too(sorry)

Uriel · 04/05/2009 15:06

YANBU.

You agreed to Dh having a 'quick drink' not a fairly heavy drinking session. Nothing wrong with him supporting a recently bereaved mate, obviously, but he should also have thought about supporting his wife.

Also, bearing in mind his mate is spending half the week in your village, he and Dh could easily have caught up later in the week (as well).

NeedMNJury · 04/05/2009 15:07

bigchris, if the dcs had settled while we were having dinner then we would have done but I was starving and wanted to eat first. Like I said, he wasn't exactly sober enough to leave the dcs with either, imo.

OP posts:
gardeningmum05 · 04/05/2009 15:08

but is it really worth falling out about.
say how you feel, explain why it upset you..then move on FGS

mum23monkeys · 04/05/2009 15:08

I think that everything everyone else is true...except for in your reply when you said you would love a weekend away with your friend but it is unaffordable. Now I really empathise with you. You really want to catch up with your friend, the only way this is possible is if you go and stay with oneanother and, inevitably you end up still parenting. You need time off being a mummy.

I would be pissed off and frustrated, but mostly because I would realise that there hadn't been any alternative. If the dc will only allow you to comfort them at night, it's a huge burden and jolly inconvenient when they are up and down when you want to be chatting.

I think you are being understandably cross, but taking it all out on your dh when actually it is a combination of circumstances that have left you feeling like you are.

I'm sure it's no comfort, but I EXACTLY how you fel.

mrsmaidamess · 04/05/2009 15:08

It sounds like you are determined to be in a sulk with your dh no matter what we say.

Speak to him, tell him how you think the weekend went and how could it be better next time.

jeminthecity · 04/05/2009 15:09

Agree with Gardening mum

Soph73 · 04/05/2009 15:11

Agree with Dandylioness that yanbu for being pissed off, but yabu for not speaking to your DH until he's apologised.

What I'd do is arrange to have your friend & her husband and kids over again and then you and your friend (no DH's or kids) spend a couple of hours down the pub so that you can catch up and let your DH's deal with the kids.

Bathsheba · 04/05/2009 15:12

Sorry, your Dh was in absolutely no control over your DC3 having screaming fits every 10 mins..

He did overstay his time in the pub, but thinking of my own DH - if he had come home quickly and been in a decent state it would have been a ruddy miricle so, if anything you were being slightly unreasonable to expect him, after 4 ish pints, to be straight home...thats not going to happen.

Unless he was clattering about and actually causing your DC3 the distress that meant you were up and down every 10 mins, then that was completely unrelated to him