Need the MN Jury because I am so angry I've lost all sense of perspective.

[NeedMNJury]

Right, basic facts.

On Saturday some friends came up to stay for a night. She's a very close old friend from where we used to live, her dcs are similar ages to mine, our dh's get along, we haven't met up since the beginning of December so we decided to meet at our house.

They arrived early afternoon. We had lunch in the garden, a few drinks while the dcs played, all very relaxed and fun.

About 3pm dh receives a text from an old mate of his whose mum lives in our village. Does DH fancy a quick drink in the pub about 4pm?

DH hasn't seen this mate since the mate's dad's funeral at the end of November so we agreed that DH and Friend's DH would go and meet up with this mate in the pub while Friend and I took all 5 dcs for a walk with the dog then met them at the pub.

We duly turned up at the pub about 5pm. The 3 blokes were settled in nicely with their 2nd pint. Friend and I got drinks for ourselves and the dcs and spent the next hour dealing with dcs in the way that you do when you have 2x5yos, 2x 3yos and 1x 2yo with you in a public place. Pushing them on the swings, resolving fights, trying to stop them annoying the rest of the customers, etc.

The 3 blokes got through another 2 pints while we there and then the dcs got to the point about 6:30 where they really needed to go home. The 3 blokes still had about half a pint left to drink so Friend and I said that we'd start walking back with the dcs as long as they finished their drinks and came straight back.

I think so far I've been pretty reasonable, no? He's had time in the pub, dc-less. He's had a good couple of hours to catch up with his mate and have a few beers, now it's time for him to reassume parental duties.

The usually 15 minute walk home takes us 35 minutes because the dcs are knackered and getting stroppy. 2yo is in a buggy so at one point I'm carrying my 3yo on my shoulders while pushing the buggy, friend is carrying her 3yo while ensuring the 5yos don't get run over because there are no footpaths in our village.

By the time we get home there is still no sign of them.

I get the blow up mattress out of the garage (should have been DH's job), go upstairs and discover that at some point, unbeknown to us, 3 of them have snaffled the little packets of sugar from the pub and emptied them all over dc1's room.

So now I have to hoover the whole of dc1's room, blow up the mattress, make the bed, then get 3 exhausted dcs into bed. On my Own.

Friend did a great job of keeping them calm downstairs while I sorted upstairs.

DH and Friend's DH finally roll in about an hour and a quarter after we left the pub, just as we were getting the dcs upstairs.

DH puts our older 2 to bed while I deal with the 2yo who by that point has entirely lost the plot and has a screaming tantrum for half an hour before collapsing in exhaustion and I get him into bed.

DH has got the meal cooked by the time I get back downstairs (it was already made, he only had to put rice on and reheat the casserole) so we sit down to eat.

I manage about half of mine before dc3 starts crying. So up I go.

10 minutes later I come down. Couple more mouthfuls.

Dc2 starts crying, so up I go.

10 minutes later I come down. Couple more mouthfuls.

Dc3 starts crying again, so up I go.

All bloody evening.

I finally got to bed at 2 AM having not spent more than 15 minutes downstairs talking to my friends.

I was so bloody angry with him. I had to be civil with him yesterday while Friend was still here but in the evening I brought it up and he said he wasn't being unreasonable about it because he hadn't seen his mate for months and they stayed for longer because they were 'catching up'. Bear in mind that his mate currently spends about half the week at his mum's in our village so they have ample opportunity to meet up again pretty imminently.

I pointed out that I hadn't seen Friend for that long either and that I was quite looking forward to catching up with her with being constantly interrupted by dcs but I didn't get to do it because of him.

I then stormed off and went to bed so I'm still steaming about it today.

AIBU to be fuming and want him to apologise and accept he was completely out of order?

Are you a bit burnt out and knackered genrally? Is he helpfull at other times or is this an 'ongoing'?

Def think you need to get yourself the petrol money and sod off for the day/night. It is fundamentally [sp?] healthy to have space.

so the only thing he did wrong was overstay in the pub by an hour and a quarter and you are refusing to talk to him or come out of the bedroom until he apologises?
he still helped out with the dinner, and has no control over your kids crying and when he did try to help out the kids don't want to be comforted by him, so what can he do?
i can see why someone would be a little annoyed over a partner being an hour late beck from the pub, but you just want to play the martyr here.
you aren't looking for advice or opinions, you are looking for people to agree with you so you can feel vindicated.

The reason why dc2 and 3 were so unsettled was because they were over tired because they normally go to bed by 7 and it was gone 8.30 by the time they were actually in bed.

Had dh done as he promised he would most likely have caught up with us on the way back, we'd have been home far more quickly, he could have sorted the bed while I got PJ's etc on the dcs, the sugar incidnet wouldn't have happened because they wouldn't have had a chance to open it without us finding it first, dc3 wouldn't have had a complete meltdown through sheer tiredness and they'd all have been in bed a good 45 minutes earlier which would have made everything a whole lot easier.

I realise IABU with quite how pissed off I am with him but for some reason I thought that having had almost 3 hours without any responsibilty he could have had the consideration and courtesy towards me to arrange to meet his mate another night when he was in the village (i.e, later this week or next week).

My friend lives 2.5 hours away and we don;t have any free weekends between us until the summer holidays, pretty much so another meet up won't be on the cards for ages.

It is shit when your knackered though and feel like the world is against you. Like when dinner is eaten forkfull every 10 mins.

I bet you are in need of time out.

It is shit. It's fucking shit.

I was so looking forward to this weekend and catching up with her and it just feels like dh ruined it because he's too childish to be able to turn down another pint.

TD, you're right, I do need some time off.

This is just the proverbial straw/camel thing which is probably why I'm over reacting so much.

"He did go up to dc2 at one point but she had screaming abdabs at him and wouldn't let him near her and dc3 is like that all the time with him"

I think you need to get this part sorted so your DH can do his share of dealing with crying children in the evenings. Does this mean that you couldn't leave DH with the children if you went out for the evening?

YANBU to be annoyed at how your day turned out, but he hasn't done very much wrong, only stayed at the pub for an hour longer than expected, and he did try to be useful when he got back (putting food on, attempting to go up to children).

definately dandy, MOVE ON.
i assume this has ruined bank holiday monday for you and your family

well, TBH I'd never had expected my DH to come home...maybe see it as a learning experience and simply never expect him to come home again....as soon as you said it was okay with you and your friend for them to go to the pub, then (if I was in your shoes this is what I would have done) you should mentally write off any help for the rest of the day...

He could argue various points too - you could have left the pub earlier so the kids weren;t so overtired when you got home...you could have seen them stealing the sugar packets...you could have jut made them sleep in sugarry beds and not changed them etc etc.

I love my DH dearly but I KNOW from 11 years of experience what he is like after a trip to the pub - and he will argue and argue that after 5 pints he is still sober enough to help with the children etc etc...but he isn;t...and if he goes to the pub then that is what I need to expect for the rest of that day (and probably write off a fair bit of the next day too).

So much male pride goes into the pub situation - the buying rounds/buying back rounds situation, and the "we can't go immediately home because it will make it obvious we are doing as we are told and we need to look as if that isnlt tha case" situation, along with the "but we are having a good time, why should we go"...

As someone else said, count yourself lucky he could make the dinner when he got home..!

YES he was crap.,...but there are so so many other thigns at play which kept him in the pub, there are so manythings that he'll say you did wrong and he wasn't in any control over, AND you need to learn the next time, leave the pub earlier, and have absolutely no expectations of him.

Trust me, I've got a lot of experience of being let down and upset after my Dh has been in the pub

ditto bathsheba.

y'see thing with men is they are very good at looking after their needs. So he had another pint as he knew it would add to his happiness, and infact, others. By making him a relaxed dad and dh.

We are not so good at this. If you did same you would also feel more relaxed and less like it's all personal. So take your chances and ask for help.

Tireness is food for resentment. Resentment is a putrid thing, it is very destructive.

Please forgive generalisations!

No yanbu. Me being quite outspoken though, at the second time DS woke up I would've smiled at DP and said 'Your turn'.

Remember your wedding day vows: for better, for worse.

Forgive him and move on.

Bloody hell, Bathsheba, I'd be filing for divorce first thing tomorrow if he hadn't come home until closing time.

If I'd realised that his mate was around so frequently I would have said no, do it another time but I didn't find that out until we were at the pub.

I honestly don't think saying 'he's male, that's what they do' is an acceptable excuse. The only reason we stayed as long as we did with the dcs was because we were waiting for them to finish their pints.

He may be male but he is also a father of 3 and if he wants to spend hours in the pub getting pissed then he needs to go once they're in bed or prearrange with me that he won't be back.

Not promise he'll be back then decide another pint is more deserving.

Also your partner didn't have to have another alcoholic drink did he? He could've had a shandy or a coke or whatever. Bloody men, why are mothers always ultimately the responsible ones?

But he only stayed for one more. Not the night. And he made dinner, not flopped on the couch. That is the perspective you asked for.

No of course it's not ok to let people down because he is a man, but nor can we be martyrs and 'do it all' then charge heavily in emotional guilt tripping just because we are women. It all cuts both ways.

imo.

My hubby really supports me if I have an evening out with the girls. I don't do it very often - may 3 or 4 nights a year.

Similarly, I support him when he goes out - again, not particularly often.

Cut him some slack. He has made one mistake and you are angry about it. Did he mean to punish you when he was in the pub? No, he was just thoughtless or genuinely ignorant as to your needs.

He helped with supper, which is a lot more than many would do.

Look at his good points and don't dwell on the bad. We all fall short of the ideal. Would you like him to nitpick at your failings? Loving someone means that you accept them for who they are, not just when they are doing what you want.

Suoercherry - the eternal question! I think because sometimes we assume the role and won't let go of it. We don't say, right - mate and I are off to pub. See you in an hour you're in charge.

hear hear tree

When our kids started preferring 1 parent over another for bedtime etc we firmly clamped down on it by ensuring the nonfavoured parent did the stuff. The younger 2 at age 2 and 3 are old enough to know what go to sleep means. I'd have been annoyed with the kids, it's not like they were crying babies.
I'd have insisted DH did the child settling then they maybe wouldn't have kept it up for so long as he wasn't the parent they wanted.

Well, I do, and so does Scienceteacher

I'm with you NeedMN. Try and get your partners to arrange to take the kids out for the day one of the wknds and you and your friend can spend a day together shopping or pub or whatever.

The point is not about whether he was there to cook the tea, or put them to bed. The single parent argument is utterly irrelevant here. Dh worked away for a year, Mon-Fri so I have plenty of experience of living alone and dealing with (then) a 6mo, 1.9yo and a 3.6yo. I am perfectly capable of putting 3 dcs to bed alone. I just don't see why I should when dh has promised to be there but would rather spend time at the pub.

He promised he would come straight back.

He didn;t.

I had a shit night as a result.

It's about broken promises and feeling unappreciated.

maybe we should have a mumsnet mass strike
pick a date and all piss off to the pub at the same time say "right i am off for an early doors" got imagine it, who would be more distressed the men or the kids