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AIBU?

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Original poster

Need the MN Jury because I am so angry I've lost all sense of perspective.

273 replies

NeedMNJury · 04/05/2009 14:39

Right, basic facts.

On Saturday some friends came up to stay for a night. She's a very close old friend from where we used to live, her dcs are similar ages to mine, our dh's get along, we haven't met up since the beginning of December so we decided to meet at our house.

They arrived early afternoon. We had lunch in the garden, a few drinks while the dcs played, all very relaxed and fun.

About 3pm dh receives a text from an old mate of his whose mum lives in our village. Does DH fancy a quick drink in the pub about 4pm?

DH hasn't seen this mate since the mate's dad's funeral at the end of November so we agreed that DH and Friend's DH would go and meet up with this mate in the pub while Friend and I took all 5 dcs for a walk with the dog then met them at the pub.

We duly turned up at the pub about 5pm. The 3 blokes were settled in nicely with their 2nd pint. Friend and I got drinks for ourselves and the dcs and spent the next hour dealing with dcs in the way that you do when you have 2x5yos, 2x 3yos and 1x 2yo with you in a public place. Pushing them on the swings, resolving fights, trying to stop them annoying the rest of the customers, etc.

The 3 blokes got through another 2 pints while we there and then the dcs got to the point about 6:30 where they really needed to go home. The 3 blokes still had about half a pint left to drink so Friend and I said that we'd start walking back with the dcs as long as they finished their drinks and came straight back.

I think so far I've been pretty reasonable, no? He's had time in the pub, dc-less. He's had a good couple of hours to catch up with his mate and have a few beers, now it's time for him to reassume parental duties.

The usually 15 minute walk home takes us 35 minutes because the dcs are knackered and getting stroppy. 2yo is in a buggy so at one point I'm carrying my 3yo on my shoulders while pushing the buggy, friend is carrying her 3yo while ensuring the 5yos don't get run over because there are no footpaths in our village.

By the time we get home there is still no sign of them.

I get the blow up mattress out of the garage (should have been DH's job), go upstairs and discover that at some point, unbeknown to us, 3 of them have snaffled the little packets of sugar from the pub and emptied them all over dc1's room.

So now I have to hoover the whole of dc1's room, blow up the mattress, make the bed, then get 3 exhausted dcs into bed. On my Own.

Friend did a great job of keeping them calm downstairs while I sorted upstairs.

DH and Friend's DH finally roll in about an hour and a quarter after we left the pub, just as we were getting the dcs upstairs.

DH puts our older 2 to bed while I deal with the 2yo who by that point has entirely lost the plot and has a screaming tantrum for half an hour before collapsing in exhaustion and I get him into bed.

DH has got the meal cooked by the time I get back downstairs (it was already made, he only had to put rice on and reheat the casserole) so we sit down to eat.

I manage about half of mine before dc3 starts crying. So up I go.

10 minutes later I come down. Couple more mouthfuls.

Dc2 starts crying, so up I go.

10 minutes later I come down. Couple more mouthfuls.

Dc3 starts crying again, so up I go.

All bloody evening.

I finally got to bed at 2 AM having not spent more than 15 minutes downstairs talking to my friends.

I was so bloody angry with him. I had to be civil with him yesterday while Friend was still here but in the evening I brought it up and he said he wasn't being unreasonable about it because he hadn't seen his mate for months and they stayed for longer because they were 'catching up'. Bear in mind that his mate currently spends about half the week at his mum's in our village so they have ample opportunity to meet up again pretty imminently.

I pointed out that I hadn't seen Friend for that long either and that I was quite looking forward to catching up with her with being constantly interrupted by dcs but I didn't get to do it because of him.

I then stormed off and went to bed so I'm still steaming about it today.

AIBU to be fuming and want him to apologise and accept he was completely out of order?

OP posts:
FiveGoMadInDorset · 04/05/2009 18:29

The words 'Your turn' are used in our house.

beanieb · 04/05/2009 18:32

"I am the only one who lives in a household where it is more likely just as likely to be the DW who promises to be home by whenever and then rolls in hours later singing having had a jolly good time?"

you're not! I have done it myself more than once!

BigBellasBeerBelly · 04/05/2009 18:32

ROFL beanie

Should have been "Am I" not "I am"... pesky english language

treedelivery · 04/05/2009 18:38

Beanieb - I'd be behind you trying to haggle the taxi down and clutching a kebab. Oh I need a night out.

The big mn night out. Now that would rock.

TheLadyEvenstar · 04/05/2009 18:39

Bella, i have done it myself...is so easy to do when you get carried away laughing and catching up with people.....

beanieb · 04/05/2009 18:44

I read it as 'Am I'

mamas12 · 04/05/2009 18:44

YANBU I think you are totally right to be pissed off with him.
He went and absented himself from the scene then came back too drunk to join in again.
He is in the wrong and needs to make it up to you.
Now you need to let it go girl, take a deep breath (righteous).
If you did the same I'm sure your dh would see the point completely.

ProfYaffle · 04/05/2009 18:47

Treedelivery - I know, am considering the off licence atm!

bigchris · 04/05/2009 18:50

'He went and absented himself from the scene then came back too drunk to join in again.'

lol bit of an overeaction, they were all at the pub at one point!

TheFallenMadonna · 04/05/2009 18:50

Actually, according to the OP, he came back, cooked dinner and put two out of the three children to bed. But yes, of course he should have come back sooner.

bigchris · 04/05/2009 18:51

oh yes and in our house it is always me cos dh is a teetotaller

beanieb · 04/05/2009 18:57

"He went and absented himself from the scene then came back too drunk to join in again." to be fair "we agreed that DH and Friend's DH would go and meet up with this mate in the pub while Friend and I took all 5 dcs for a walk with the dog then met them at the pub."

it's not the fact that he went to the pub in the first place that is the issue.

StayFrosty · 04/05/2009 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NeedMNJury · 04/05/2009 19:05

No, at least 4 pints, more likely 5 at the pub, on top of 4 or 5 bottles of Stella over lunch/early afternoon and several more during dinner.

I am actually genuinely shocked at how many people on here think I should have just written off the night wrt him.

I know I've over-reacted to it, but this was planned as a weekend together. The 4 of us get on well as a foursome. We had dinner planned, we should have spent the rest of the evening making daft cocktails and getting gently pissed. That's the usual chain of events when the 4 of us get together.

Why is it okay that he hijacked it into being about him and only him?

As for going out for breakfast, it's a nice idea but living where we live it's not going to happen. There's nowhere within a 30 minute drive to get any kind of decent breakfast, or even a crappy truckstop fry up.

I tried to talk to him about it last night, which was the first opportunity that came up and he instantly went on the defensive and refused to talk about it.

OP posts:
TheLadyEvenstar · 04/05/2009 19:09

But he did not hijack it did he? you said it was ok for him to go to the pub. Did you give him a specific time to be home? if not then I can't see the problem, both the DH's were out and you and your friend met them in the pub after taking the dc for a walk and then took them back home. DH came home cooked a meal.....

what exactly is the problem?

ilovethesun · 04/05/2009 19:10

Actually Jury I don't think you've over reacted, when you say how much was consumed during (lets say) daylight hours, any parent would consider that dealing with kids having consumed that much difficult. I totally understand where you are coming from as I said. This was your night, and he started it off early! THe only way out of it is to talk to him about it. It's clearly not something that you both do often or you would have already worked out the drill iykwim. My DH and I have a strict policy of not drinking until DC are tucked up asleep. But we socialise a lot, people over to ours, us over (with the kids) to friends that kind of thing and we do have a routine about it.

DandyLioness · 04/05/2009 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

morningpaper · 04/05/2009 19:12

I don't understand why the boys didn't take the children home from the pub

You could have had a nice hour or so together there?

You had dinner together as planned - the children kept waking up. That's not HIS fault is it?

Original poster
NeedMNJury · 04/05/2009 19:15

'If you leave a childcare vaccuum then your dh will fill it'.

Er, no. He wouldn't.

Besides which, at the point we needed them most (walking home and sorting out the beds) they were still in the pub with no intention of leaving before they'd had another drink despite knowing it was bedtime for the dcs.

I am an adult.

He is an adult.

I spend all my days telling 3 dcs what to do.

I do not expect to have to tell a grown man what needs doing in terms of general childcare. He's been a father for 5 and a half years, he ought to know the score by now.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 04/05/2009 19:16

I do tend to think that when I parent, I am as selfish as DH "lets" me be. I think that works both ways. I am sort of imagining you spending the day in a rage but IMMEDIATELY responding to the children each time, which would have fuelled your rage.... It would have been just as easy to say "Ok, you've had a couple of pints, now we're going to - see you at home." Or just NOT do the childcare all the time.

morningpaper · 04/05/2009 19:17

OK, well if he doesn't realise that the children need to go to bed and need to go home and need seeing to when they are crying, then this is a much deeper problem than a weekend issue.

morningpaper · 04/05/2009 19:17

I do not expect to have to tell a grown man what needs doing in terms of general childcare.

You DON'T need to tell him. You COULD have told him you were having a drink and you'd see him at home later. Couldn't you?

RubyBlueberry · 04/05/2009 19:18

YOU are totally NOT being unreasonable in the SLIGHTEST and I agree with you!!!

HE is unreasonable by pretending he's not got kids!!

morningpaper · 04/05/2009 19:19

oh and the beds - God yes, you ALWAYS need to sort the beds out well before guests arrive. That is the WORST JOB EVER.

Original poster
NeedMNJury · 04/05/2009 19:20

It wasn't an open ended visit to the pub, it was arranged that the 2 men would go, meet his mate, we'd join them and all come back together to put the dcs to bed.

He is an adult with responsibilities, he shouldn't need a curfew.

I asked him to finish the half pint he had left and come straight back.

Which he promised to do.

And didn't.

Believe me, if I'd thought he was going to stay longer I would have sent him back with the kids but I trusted him to keep his word and come back as soon as he'd finished.

Stupid of me.

OP posts: