Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Need the MN Jury because I am so angry I've lost all sense of perspective.

273 replies

NeedMNJury · 04/05/2009 14:39

Right, basic facts.

On Saturday some friends came up to stay for a night. She's a very close old friend from where we used to live, her dcs are similar ages to mine, our dh's get along, we haven't met up since the beginning of December so we decided to meet at our house.

They arrived early afternoon. We had lunch in the garden, a few drinks while the dcs played, all very relaxed and fun.

About 3pm dh receives a text from an old mate of his whose mum lives in our village. Does DH fancy a quick drink in the pub about 4pm?

DH hasn't seen this mate since the mate's dad's funeral at the end of November so we agreed that DH and Friend's DH would go and meet up with this mate in the pub while Friend and I took all 5 dcs for a walk with the dog then met them at the pub.

We duly turned up at the pub about 5pm. The 3 blokes were settled in nicely with their 2nd pint. Friend and I got drinks for ourselves and the dcs and spent the next hour dealing with dcs in the way that you do when you have 2x5yos, 2x 3yos and 1x 2yo with you in a public place. Pushing them on the swings, resolving fights, trying to stop them annoying the rest of the customers, etc.

The 3 blokes got through another 2 pints while we there and then the dcs got to the point about 6:30 where they really needed to go home. The 3 blokes still had about half a pint left to drink so Friend and I said that we'd start walking back with the dcs as long as they finished their drinks and came straight back.

I think so far I've been pretty reasonable, no? He's had time in the pub, dc-less. He's had a good couple of hours to catch up with his mate and have a few beers, now it's time for him to reassume parental duties.

The usually 15 minute walk home takes us 35 minutes because the dcs are knackered and getting stroppy. 2yo is in a buggy so at one point I'm carrying my 3yo on my shoulders while pushing the buggy, friend is carrying her 3yo while ensuring the 5yos don't get run over because there are no footpaths in our village.

By the time we get home there is still no sign of them.

I get the blow up mattress out of the garage (should have been DH's job), go upstairs and discover that at some point, unbeknown to us, 3 of them have snaffled the little packets of sugar from the pub and emptied them all over dc1's room.

So now I have to hoover the whole of dc1's room, blow up the mattress, make the bed, then get 3 exhausted dcs into bed. On my Own.

Friend did a great job of keeping them calm downstairs while I sorted upstairs.

DH and Friend's DH finally roll in about an hour and a quarter after we left the pub, just as we were getting the dcs upstairs.

DH puts our older 2 to bed while I deal with the 2yo who by that point has entirely lost the plot and has a screaming tantrum for half an hour before collapsing in exhaustion and I get him into bed.

DH has got the meal cooked by the time I get back downstairs (it was already made, he only had to put rice on and reheat the casserole) so we sit down to eat.

I manage about half of mine before dc3 starts crying. So up I go.

10 minutes later I come down. Couple more mouthfuls.

Dc2 starts crying, so up I go.

10 minutes later I come down. Couple more mouthfuls.

Dc3 starts crying again, so up I go.

All bloody evening.

I finally got to bed at 2 AM having not spent more than 15 minutes downstairs talking to my friends.

I was so bloody angry with him. I had to be civil with him yesterday while Friend was still here but in the evening I brought it up and he said he wasn't being unreasonable about it because he hadn't seen his mate for months and they stayed for longer because they were 'catching up'. Bear in mind that his mate currently spends about half the week at his mum's in our village so they have ample opportunity to meet up again pretty imminently.

I pointed out that I hadn't seen Friend for that long either and that I was quite looking forward to catching up with her with being constantly interrupted by dcs but I didn't get to do it because of him.

I then stormed off and went to bed so I'm still steaming about it today.

AIBU to be fuming and want him to apologise and accept he was completely out of order?

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 04/05/2009 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

popsycal · 04/05/2009 16:07

Reading between the lines, I think the reaction of the OP is not just about this incident - but about a whole range of styuff and this has just brought it to a head.

This is how I might feel at th minut if Dh did this - but the incidnt in itslf is no real big deal. I am shatterd and stressed. You sound like you are too

PenelopePitstops · 04/05/2009 16:07

you are seriosuly over reacting

your dp having one more pint was not the reason the night was shit. Shoulda woulda coulda, what if he had come home and the kids were still up all night, you can't possibly say

tell him you are upset and why and MOVE ON!

popsycal · 04/05/2009 16:09

Your last line rings bellss: 'Its about feeling unapprciated'

popsycal · 04/05/2009 16:09

Your last line rings bellss: 'Its about feeling unapprciated'

scienceteacher · 04/05/2009 16:10

It's about inappropriate expectations rather than broken promises.

treedelivery · 04/05/2009 16:11

Dandy - I cringe too. Yet the pattern seems to repeat over and over again. To work out of it takes years of practice I guess. I believe women play a huge roll by relinquishing some control in the home.

All for the mass strike. Can promise to lead the 'I'm not going home at closing' brigade also, so bring your heels and means of expressing if needed.

Bathsheba · 04/05/2009 16:14

Why are you asking us...??

You have decided your reaction is completely justified - so why are you asking the Mumsnet Jury...

Almost everyone has agreed, yes, it was a bit crap he didn;t come home immediately but you are over reacting...

You just keep on posting to say that you are completely justified, he disrespected you, you'd be filing divorce papers if he had stayed out until closing time etc etc...

We think you are being unreasonable, you think you aren't...

In answer to your original question in the thread title, yes you have lost all sense of perspective and have blown this into a huge matter involving respect and self worth when actually he had another pint and your children wouldn't settle.

NeedMNJury · 04/05/2009 16:14

I have spent 2 years trying to convince dc3 that dh is a good guy and it is fine if he goes in when he wakes in the night.

DC3 will not have it. If DH had gone in he would have screamed constantly for as long as it took him to collapse from exhaustion again. That is what he does. Everytime. It doesn't get better and makes him refuse dh in the daytime as well. If I am not there and he knows I am not there he is absolutely fine but if he knows I am in the house then no one else stands a chance.

DC2 will normally let dh settle her but she was overtired, not really awake and dh wasn't really in a fit state to be doing much with her.

If it is a perarranged, planned night at the pub when I know he will be plastered and I'm not expecting him to be back I have no issue with him.

It's the broken word and subsequent crapness of my evening that I'm fed up about.

OP posts:
flaminhell · 04/05/2009 16:15

He had a drink was late back, you must have known he would push it, hes a little out of order, but not hos fault kids kicked off and not his fault you kept getting up, give him some of the responsibility, you cant do everything, I know you had a crap evening and he could have noticed and helped, but they arent mind readers infact they barely know their own minds.

Kinda made a rod for your own back their so you cant be mad at him reallky.

Greensneeze · 04/05/2009 16:16

I don't think YABU at all. I'm often surprised by the strangely indulgent, almost sycophantic attitude on MN towards men who don't bother to honour their family commitments. I think people should behave like adults and do what they say they are going to do fgs, whatever they have in their pants

DandyLioness · 04/05/2009 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

scienceteacher · 04/05/2009 16:17

Can't you be happy for your DH that he spent time with his friends?

Me, I want my DH to be happy.

gardeningmum05 · 04/05/2009 16:18

whos up for the MNs mass walk out to the pub then

Supercherry · 04/05/2009 16:19

Dandylioness, I don't like stereotyping myself but I genuinely don't know any truly equal parenting partnerships in RL. I really don't and it's always, in my experience, the mothers running round after the children etc. I admit some mums probably don't help the situation but why don't men use a bit of initiative with the kids sometimes and actually just do something without being prompted? I realise I am generalising, but that is the ONLY type of man I know other than in books and on the TV .

gardeningmum05 · 04/05/2009 16:21

ahh...men are from mars and women from venus...here we go again.......

Greensneeze · 04/05/2009 16:22

my dh isn't from Mars, he's from Reading. And he isn't somehow esoterically prevented from looking at his watch because he's got a schlong.

Why are women still making excuses for men?

treedelivery · 04/05/2009 16:24

Mr Darcy would have stayed in the pub. As would I pobably. Oh for a cold pint.

op - thing is the spilt sugar etc is all extra, if it was too much then should have left it. For him to have hoovered this am.

The real events were that he stayed late. By an hour. If the dc's wont settle with him then you are going to have interupted meals for years to come. He couldn't fix that in one evening, and certainly not if you went everytime.

I know it sucks about the day, but it wasn't the work of one hour. Honestly. Imo.

treedelivery · 04/05/2009 16:26

Greensneeze - I'm not making excuses for men, but for humans. Like I say, faced with temptation many fall. Into a cold pint.

or online shopping in my case.

gardeningmum05 · 04/05/2009 16:28

so would mr greensneeze have come home then? without sneaking a crafty other pint

Supercherry · 04/05/2009 16:29

I don't make excuses for my DP, his lack of initiative (the politest way I can think of to put it) when it comes to childcare is a constant source of friction between us. I have tried everything to get him to change, I have left DS with him for the day- he just bloody takes DS down his mothers who then does all the running around instead. What am I to do? I'm not a bloody martyr- I've gone on housework strikes, I've not cooked his tea, I don't iron his clothes (actually I just don't iron), I've nagged, I've shouted, I've cried, I've asked him to leave.....

What do I do?

NeedMNJury · 04/05/2009 16:29

So where does your own happiness come then, scienceteacher?

I put my dcs happiness first, I try to ensure dh is happy - I could have said no fullstop to him going to the pub, but I didn;t - so my own happiness comes last.

I don;t mind that, I guess it's part and parcel of being a mum but it would be nice if dh could manage to put someone other than himself first, sometimes.

I have no issue with being told I'm overreacting and BU.

I know I am. I said that in my post at 15.23.

I'm just shocked that the reason I am being unreasonable is that he's a man and was at the pub so his behaviour is only to be expected. Indeed, I should be pleased he actually came home at all and managed to get some dinner on.

The man obviously deserves some kind of medal, not the silent treatment.

What was I thinking? .

OP posts:
Podrick · 04/05/2009 16:30

I imagine you are probably still tired from lack of sleep - and in my view you are over-reacting - but I don't imagine that's what you want to hear right now.

Greensneeze · 04/05/2009 16:31

Funnily enough Mr Greensneeze let me down in a similar fashion last week. My reaction was a long long way from "oh well, never mind". And the next day he took the kids out while I had a lie-in.

gardeningmum05 · 04/05/2009 16:34

supercherry....unfortunately there are millions of us in the same boat. except his flaws like he accepts yours. pat yourself on the back for being a great mum and partner. enjoy what you love about each other and pat yourself on the back yet again for rising above it

Swipe left for the next trending thread