Need the MN Jury because I am so angry I've lost all sense of perspective.

[NeedMNJury]

Right, basic facts.

On Saturday some friends came up to stay for a night. She's a very close old friend from where we used to live, her dcs are similar ages to mine, our dh's get along, we haven't met up since the beginning of December so we decided to meet at our house.

They arrived early afternoon. We had lunch in the garden, a few drinks while the dcs played, all very relaxed and fun.

About 3pm dh receives a text from an old mate of his whose mum lives in our village. Does DH fancy a quick drink in the pub about 4pm?

DH hasn't seen this mate since the mate's dad's funeral at the end of November so we agreed that DH and Friend's DH would go and meet up with this mate in the pub while Friend and I took all 5 dcs for a walk with the dog then met them at the pub.

We duly turned up at the pub about 5pm. The 3 blokes were settled in nicely with their 2nd pint. Friend and I got drinks for ourselves and the dcs and spent the next hour dealing with dcs in the way that you do when you have 2x5yos, 2x 3yos and 1x 2yo with you in a public place. Pushing them on the swings, resolving fights, trying to stop them annoying the rest of the customers, etc.

The 3 blokes got through another 2 pints while we there and then the dcs got to the point about 6:30 where they really needed to go home. The 3 blokes still had about half a pint left to drink so Friend and I said that we'd start walking back with the dcs as long as they finished their drinks and came straight back.

I think so far I've been pretty reasonable, no? He's had time in the pub, dc-less. He's had a good couple of hours to catch up with his mate and have a few beers, now it's time for him to reassume parental duties.

The usually 15 minute walk home takes us 35 minutes because the dcs are knackered and getting stroppy. 2yo is in a buggy so at one point I'm carrying my 3yo on my shoulders while pushing the buggy, friend is carrying her 3yo while ensuring the 5yos don't get run over because there are no footpaths in our village.

By the time we get home there is still no sign of them.

I get the blow up mattress out of the garage (should have been DH's job), go upstairs and discover that at some point, unbeknown to us, 3 of them have snaffled the little packets of sugar from the pub and emptied them all over dc1's room.

So now I have to hoover the whole of dc1's room, blow up the mattress, make the bed, then get 3 exhausted dcs into bed. On my Own.

Friend did a great job of keeping them calm downstairs while I sorted upstairs.

DH and Friend's DH finally roll in about an hour and a quarter after we left the pub, just as we were getting the dcs upstairs.

DH puts our older 2 to bed while I deal with the 2yo who by that point has entirely lost the plot and has a screaming tantrum for half an hour before collapsing in exhaustion and I get him into bed.

DH has got the meal cooked by the time I get back downstairs (it was already made, he only had to put rice on and reheat the casserole) so we sit down to eat.

I manage about half of mine before dc3 starts crying. So up I go.

10 minutes later I come down. Couple more mouthfuls.

Dc2 starts crying, so up I go.

10 minutes later I come down. Couple more mouthfuls.

Dc3 starts crying again, so up I go.

All bloody evening.

I finally got to bed at 2 AM having not spent more than 15 minutes downstairs talking to my friends.

I was so bloody angry with him. I had to be civil with him yesterday while Friend was still here but in the evening I brought it up and he said he wasn't being unreasonable about it because he hadn't seen his mate for months and they stayed for longer because they were 'catching up'. Bear in mind that his mate currently spends about half the week at his mum's in our village so they have ample opportunity to meet up again pretty imminently.

I pointed out that I hadn't seen Friend for that long either and that I was quite looking forward to catching up with her with being constantly interrupted by dcs but I didn't get to do it because of him.

I then stormed off and went to bed so I'm still steaming about it today.

AIBU to be fuming and want him to apologise and accept he was completely out of order?

I doubt if he deliberately engineered anything. And I doubt that if he did it's because he's a man. I've been out drinking in the past and said I'll be home soon but stayed out longer without realising that it was pissing my OH off. It happens and I think the OP shouldn't make a massive issue of it now but chalk it up to experience and be more bold in future in saying what she wants rather than giving over the impression that she's ok with it and then feeling crap later. IYSWIM.

I don't think it was deliberate or engineered to be fair.

Just thoughtless which is almost worse, to me, because it shows such complete lack of consideration of anyone other than himself.

When you said you hadn't had a chance to catch up with your friend, what did he say?

Yes indeed dittany.

Thats why this op needs to get herself a good night out sorted, a night out with mates, then one with dh, then a trip to see the friend without dcs. Equal time out space for all.

And what abvout your friend and her DH? What did she have to say about it all? Because she was in the same position.

I am really sad to read that many posters would find this behaviour acceptable.

My DH took the DC away for the weekend as I had 5 women friends coming to stay. I could stay up till 3am talking and drinking wine without having to think about the DC.

Similarly, he had a guys weekend in his hometown with old friends a month or so ago.

Give and take.

Don't know about friend and her dh, she's more easy going than me generally and her dcs went to bed with no probs and slept right though (they go to bed about 7:30 - 8 normally so it wasn't such a late bedtime for them) whereas I had the evening/night from hell. She was cross while we were waiting for them but I spent all that time in the bedroom with dc3 after her dcs were in bed so she may have had her word then.

I genuinely didn;t have a chance to bring it up with dh before last night as we didn;t have any time together but alone. So I stewed on it all day.

When I said I hadn't had a chance to see my friend he just stared at the tv, which is why I stormed off to bed.

You def get to have a night away op - it is decided by the jury.

Agree with Dittany, YOU needed to carve out time I'm afraid, and you didn't.

Just tell him next time and don't expect him to be all womanly and have intuition

You need to talk tonight, when the DC are in bed.

You understand that he wanted to spend time with his mates.

You were disappointed as you had no child-free time with your friend.

You had been looking forward to it.

You were angry with him.

Try to speak to him calmly and reasonably and not rage like a fishwife. I often write an email to DH if I am very annoyed about something as it means he can read it and digest it. It means he does not get so defensive, and he has time to think about his reaction.

I disagree that you should expect him to know otherwise, actually, sorry

If I take over all the childcare, DH faffs around doing other stuff and entertaining guests

If I faff around and entertain guests, then DH does all the childcare

If you leave a childcare vaccuum then your DH will fill it

That's what MEN do, haven't you noticed?!

So actually, I think this was largely YOUR error. Sorry but after a few pints I would need to be TOLD what to do in terms of childcare, otherwise I would be staggering around having a jolly good time

Ok, I also think you re really over reacting here so YABU.

I can see you might be a bit miffed, but take some responsibility and stop stamping your feet like a child.

It's not the end of the world what he's done is it?

life's too short, get on with something else now and move on.

Hoorah for Dittany. Was thinking Mumsnet had been taken over by 50's Housewives there for a second.

Nope kitty, not the end of the world, but bloody annoying and inconsiderate.

Amazing how MN goes all stepford on threads like these [mystified]

It is crap for sure. Op needs a break and a good night out. A big sorry from dh but also not to ruin her weekend fuming. Easier said than done of course.

Weren't a few of us off to the pub?

I don't feel Stepford Wifey on this. But I think that the silent treatment response is a) also pretty stereotypical and b) counterproductive.

Tell him that his actions were thoughtless and stopped you from enjoying your time with your friend. Make him respond to that. Don't sulk.

Did you say he had only had 3 pints in the pub?

If so I am curious as to how he was pissed????

Hell I can drink more than that when I have dp and dc with me and am still sober.

For a cheap break, why don't you stay at friends and her husband and their kids go and stay with your husband and your kids? Cheap girls only night out. You said your youngest is fine when he knows you are not there.

In hidnsight, it would probably have been best to have written off the evening, let blokes stay in pub, get kids to bed earlier and caught up with your friend sans kids and husbands. Think you do have to be flexible re weekends like this.

Anyway, my partner went to pub last night (also to see a recently bereaved friend) and didn't come back until 05:30 this am. I win

I think we are setting ourselves up for frustration and crap relationships if we expect our partners to JUST KNOW when we need something and how we are feeling, when we are behaving normally and not talking to them at the time!

Oh God this talk of pints! A cold fizzy beers, with water running down the glass........drooool.

You could have got up early and gone out for breakfast with your chum somewhere nice - another idea for carving out some space perhaps ....

I am the only one who lives in a household where it is more likely just as likely to be the DW who promises to be home by whenever and then rolls in hours later singing having had a jolly good time?

Give and take, innit.

You both deserve the time to go out and have a few drinks with mates.

Just tell him that is what you are going to do, and do it.

greensleeves, yes annoying indeed, but hardly worth the reaction, Surely the op has bigger fish to fry! Well at least she should have imo.

kitty, she's not divorcing him and taking the children to Hong Kong though, she's having a grump on MN. An entirely appropriate reaction IMO. And I maintain that men who behave like irresponsible children receive a more indulgent reaction on MN than women.