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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that many people in society have lost compassion and become selfish.

203 replies

Confuzzeled · 01/04/2009 17:15

MN seems quite harsh today so maybe posting this ain't such a good idea, but hey-ho, I want honest opinions.

I am 20 weeks pregnant and have 2yo dd, I look more pregnant that I am, I think I'm having a toddler rather than a baby. My car is in the garage, not that that makes a huge amount of difference as I use the bus allot anyway.

I was on the train on Sunday, I had a booked seat but there was some problem with bookings and no seats were showing as booked. The train was busy, I couldn't find a seat in either section near the door where my buggy was parked. I asked the conductor and he grumbled something about using my eyes to look. I didn't want to go too far from my buggy and there was no room to fold it in the luggage. A whole train load of people saw me stand there for 90 mins and nobody offered me a seat.

Today I got the bus home from town and while I was trying to hold onto my dd and get the buggy out the luggage rack, people were pushing past me to get off the bus. It was clear I was trying to get off and even people with kids pushed me out the way. My buggy wheel was stuck and in the end the driver got out his seat and helped me while all the people on the bus looked at me like I was holding up the bus on purpose.

Yesterday I saw a young couple ram their buggy into an old man on the bus because he didn't move when they wanted to put their buggy in the disabled section. He obviously didn't know they wanted to put their buggy there.

Last week I held the door open in Pret for a woman coming in behind me, a stream of people came through the door and I looked like a pregnant door lady with a buggy.

At lunch today 2 suited guys asked to move table because they didn't know they were in the children's section. It was Pizza Express and my dd was asleep.

I see young guys park in P&T. I see people in sports cars clearly able bodied park in disabled spots. People tut at you when you walk too slow on the pavement (2yo don't walk fast).

I always offer my seat to pregnant or elderly people, there's even a sign saying you should do so. I never park in disabled and only park in P&T if I don't have my buggy. I am patient with other peoples kids and I'm a polite person who considers other people.

Am I a fucking doormat?

OP posts:
stainesmassif · 01/04/2009 20:32

i travelled in and out of london for the whole of my pregnancy during rush hour. it was horrific.

i coped by putting my hand in the small of my back, sticking out my bump (regardless of how small it was) and making eye contact with everyone in the immediate vicinity. i got a seat every time. funnily enough, it was a woman every single time. i always made sure i thanked her extra loudly and said how very kind of you.

stainesmassif · 01/04/2009 20:33

bah, still can't use bold

Wintersun · 01/04/2009 20:34

I agree with the op that many people have now become selfish and uncaring. I live in London and have only been offered a seat on the train a couple of times through 2 pregnancies plus come across selfish people all the time on the raods, in the supermarkets etc.

However, I have travelled on trains with 2 young children a few times and could not have done it without the kindness of others. I had people offering to carry the buggy up and down stairs, opening doors for me etc. Once, a man took my buggy and walked through a carriage with it above his head to stow away at the other end and asked me where I was getting off so he could bring it back for me.
I am genuinely so amazed when I come across such kind people.

screamingabdab · 01/04/2009 20:35

All this "others might say" and "it's a school of thought"

That, IMVHO, is just provocative and argumentative.

I am going now, to cheer myself up with some funny Baby Names

londonone · 01/04/2009 20:39

Well screaming I can't help that, believe me if I wanted to make that point myself I would!

QuintessentiallyAnEmptyGrave · 01/04/2009 20:43

By londonone on Wed 01-Apr-09 19:48:39
Oh dear Quint - I wasn't the one banging on about empathy! I just pointed it out to illustrate the irony.

You still dont get it, do you my dear?

MsSparkle · 01/04/2009 20:43

Me, my mum and my dd got on the train once, it wasn't very busy but all the table seats were full. Fair enough, you can't expect to sit together all the time when on a train. DD sat with my mum and i sat behind them. Then when i realised the four people (2 parents/2 children who were about 10/12) taking up two tables were actually together The mum and dad were sat on one with newspapers spread out and the two children were sat on the other table playing with their DS games.

I know the train wasn't very busy but i thought that was really selfish of them to take up two tables when all four of them could have sat on one table or the two dc could have sat in a two seater behind or something. If it were me i would have thought purhaps a family of four might want to sit together so won't take up two tables

londonone · 01/04/2009 20:48

I do Quint, it's you having trouble!

Original poster
Confuzzeled · 01/04/2009 20:49

MsSparkle, 10/12 yo's don't want to be too close to their parents and parents sometimes would like their dc a little further away.

I understand that one.

But I also understand it's a pain when they could've sat together and made it possible for your family to sit together.

OP posts:
MsSparkle · 01/04/2009 20:49

I agree though that some people aren't really selfish, they just don't think when they should be thinking. Like those who stand in the supermarket with one hand on their trolly that is stuck out across the isle meaning no one can pass them. For a start, NO ONE is going to steal your trolly full of items that haven't been paid for and secondly, don't just move it slightly and think that's ok. Then if you touch the trolly to move it for them, you would think i was trying to snatch their handbag or something!

Rhubarb · 01/04/2009 20:49

Yes.
To thread title.

MsSparkle · 01/04/2009 20:53

I understand that too, kids that age don't want to sit with their parents. But the kids could have sat in a two seater seat behind, they could have even sat in a two seater each! They didn't need to take up a table of four. If i had been their parents i would have told them not to sit at a table for four, but then i think

Original poster
Confuzzeled · 01/04/2009 21:10

Yup MsSparkle I agree, but as many people have said I guess some people just don't think. I'm as guilty of it as the people who I'm calling selfish

OP posts:
roulade · 02/04/2009 13:18

When i'm on the tube with my 2 year old ds ( carrying as not big enough to stand himself on bumpy old train ) and no one offers a seat i just say loudly to my ds " oh look, everyones being selfish today " in a really sweet sickly voice Though i must say last week when no one gave up a seat for me i went flying as the tube set off and was saved by a man grabbing me by the rucksack which i was very grateful for as me and ds could have been seriously hurt!!!

Sorrento · 02/04/2009 13:23

People these days seem to have a lot of bad days.

MrsMattie · 02/04/2009 13:26

Confuzzled, YANBU.

Buses with kids = evil, don't you know? Some of the very worst aspects of humanity are revealed on buses.

London bus drivers are on my 'Most Hated' list at the moment, actually. I had a barney with one the other day because I took a millisecond too long for his liking to fit my buggy into the buggy space and he started yelling 'Just fold it, for God's sake, will you?!' down the bus. It was a virtually empty bus, not rush hour, no other buggies. I was just having trouble getting my buggy in because he'd pulled out of the bus stop so quickly it was sliding all over the place. Yet he felt it was OK to scream at me like I was some sort of imbecile. And in front of my children?

SalBySea · 02/04/2009 13:27

I honestly thought there were more polite people out there before I became pregnant

I rarely get offered a seat, and if I do, it is done very reluctantly after the person hesitates waiting for someone else to offer. I find that you have to ask and make a massive fuss if you need to sit.

I am 38 weeks now and was in the laundry room of my building this week, my machine had about 10 mins to go and a girl (aged anywhere between 20 and 30) had about 10 mins to go on hers. She was standing up talking to her friend. I said excuse me and tried to get past her to sit on the only chair - she glared at me and promptly sat on the chair and gave me a look as if to say "I DONT think so" - I was gobsmacked

If I try to get past people I find that they begrudgingly move aside by about an inch - hello! look at me! how am I supposed to get through there??

honestly - I think people (especially women) were WAY nicer to me when I wasnt pregnant!

MillyR · 02/04/2009 13:39

I have a lot of sympathy for the OP as she was pregnant and can see her point.

But my parents were complaining to me the other day about people's lack of manners/compassion/unselfishness because when they get on the bus, there are many people with children sitting down, and they don't make their children stand up so that an adult can sit down, particularly if the adult standing is elderly.

When I was a child, it was expected that we would offer our seat to an adult on public transport (although this obviously would not apply to OP's 2 year old!).

So maybe it is also parents who have become selfish, because a lot of people do seem to think their own offspring are more deserving of everything in life than the rest of society.

becstarlitsea · 02/04/2009 13:42

A happy story about someone not being rude:-

About a year ago I was walking with DS in the buggy down one of the rougher streets near us (NW London) which DH has actually forbidden me to walk down, but it was a short cut. So I was trotting quickly, hoping I wouldn't get mugged and have DH giving me earache about how I shouldn't have been there. Then I heard someone behind me shout "Oi! You!" I quickened my step. "Oi!" I turned around and saw a lady who looked like the 'after' photo in those anti-drugs posters pegging it towards me. I wanted to run but my knees went weak. Oh god, I thought, she's going to kill me. "Oi!" she shouted "I've got your boy's shoes and socks!" DS had kicked his shoes and socks off one by one and I hadn't noticed. Panting she handed them to me "I saw one sock, then tother, then a shoe, and I thought 'The mother can't be far!' she said. She'd chased me halfway down the street. And there was I fearing for my life.

Some people are very nice. Often it's not who you'd expect.

MillyR · 02/04/2009 13:44

Nice story:

A man chased me down the road to return money to me that I had forgotten to take from the ATM.

PeachyLikesHerChoccyRabbit · 02/04/2009 13:50

Confuzzled I'm with you, I try to be nice, kind etc and often feel and am treated as a doormat.

I tried the other appraoch though and felt ike a shit; i'd far rather be a doromat who likes myself then a piece of shit tbh LOL

TotalChaos · 02/04/2009 13:53

Nice story one: Virgin Train buffet car staff - there was a bit of confusion, and they thought I wasn't buying a drink for DS because I didn't have enough money on me - so they came to find me in the carriage and gave me two free bottles of water and a cup

Nice story two: I lose my bus pass. Four days later in the post

But broadly I do agree with OP.

PeachyLikesHerChoccyRabbit · 02/04/2009 13:57

Another nice stiory: I finished with the PTA a few weeks abck as son moving school; met outside last week by delegation with chocolates and a necklace as a thank you gift.

OrmIrian · 02/04/2009 13:59

OP - you aren't a doormat. And even if you are I personally would prefer to be taken for a mug than be an ungenerous self-centred person who cares nothing for others.

IME most people are good-hearted. It might take some effort to find that out but usually that is the case. I find that if I'm tired and stressed I can come over as grouchy and that brings out the worst in others. Smiling helps. But that is hard when you are in pain and exhausted.

I don't share the frequently expressed MN opinion that old people are awful. IME that simply isn't true. And by and large teenagers are OK too. But I do confess to feeling that sometimes parents do have a sense of entitlement that can be a little annoying - the double buggy that scythes everyone else off the pavement without so much as an excuse me for example. I can sympathise with how hard it with small children in tow but consideration and empathy goes both ways.

becstarlitsea · 02/04/2009 13:59

Another nice story

When I had hyperemesis I stepped off the tube to be sick on Gloucester Rd tube station platform (oh, those happy days!). I usually had plastic bags on my person to be sick into but I couldn't find one. A man - total stranger, not staff - saw what was happening, took a plastic bag out of his own, held it open for me to be sick into, took sick away with him while I sat on floor feeling faint and returned with a bottle of cold water he'd bought for me. Now that's kindness. He got on the next tube before I could thank him properly. A special place in heaven is reserved for that man.