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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to expect DH to REALLY spoil me on my first mothers day?

195 replies

wibblewobbly · 01/03/2009 22:59

Today, I brought up the subject of mothers day and what we were going to do, especially with it being my first one that I can celebrate as being a mum. I asked what he was planning on doing, and he said 'nothing much, probably go to MIL's and get her some flowers.'

So I pointed out that I am a mum now and would like him to really 'go to town' with it being my first (I then reminded him that when DS was born he didnt send me a card or any flowers so think he owes me big time)

I explained that didnt mean anything materialistic, e.g. a trip to the seaside having fish and chips on the beach would be nice - just to do something nice as a family. Sure, we will get my mum and his too something nice but I dont want to spend the day with them - I want to celebrate the day for me! I think Ive earnt it TBH - it is only one day.

But he doesnt seem happy with this and thinks we should spend the day with his mum (which is what we would normally do). I have tried to compromise e.g. go to see her in the morning then we do our thing but he isnt convinced and he s making me feel selfish.

AIBU?

OP posts:
myfunnynametaken · 01/03/2009 23:06

Insist - I'm sorry but if you don't put your foot down on this one, you'll be setting the scene for every mothers day from hereonin.

Simply refuse to go to MILs.

SerendipitousHarlot · 01/03/2009 23:12

I'd be very annoyed at that, tbh.

And what myfunnynametaken said

Put your foot down.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 01/03/2009 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
wibblewobbly · 01/03/2009 23:19

Thanks for your comments, Im glad it seems I'm not BU.

I am really miffed about the situation, Id hoped that it wouldnt have even been an issue and that he would have wanted to spoil me on mothers day.

I think he s being this way because he knows what his mum will be like when we tell her we arent spending the day with her. She can be a bit of a dragon. And with him being an only child it is difficult.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 01/03/2009 23:24

I can see why he's struggling with it - after all, his Mum didn't stop being a Mum just because his wife is now a Mum too.
Can you maybe do your thing in the morning, breakfast in bed etc and then go and see his Mum later in the day?

It's my first Mother's Day too, and we're going to be at my parents' house so will spend it with them. I think YAB a little U.

JodieO · 01/03/2009 23:37

Yanbu imo, you're a mum now and he can send his mum flowers and call her, it's your turn now. She had the time when her children were young to be spoilt and now your child is young and it's your turn.

Why should you have less of a day? His mother has had many mother's day, this is your first and you deserve it to be special.

shonaspurtle · 01/03/2009 23:40

I get where you're coming from, you've obviously been looking forward to it but...

You're not his mother.

Obviously dh will have to do the card-from-ds buying for the next few years but I don't think you can expect him to not visit his own mum if he wants to (remember you'll be a MIL one day!).

I'm sure you can manage both.

(disclaimer: mother's day was never a big thing beyond cards and a bunch of daffs in our house so I wasn't raised to expect "my day". Obv if you have different traditions it's a bigger deal)

Pawslikepaddington · 01/03/2009 23:44

I'm the same as shonas-mothers day not a big deal, and as mum has now died we prob won't celebrate it this year (I have to buy my own stuff and then give it to dd to give to me as I'm an sp, and tbh I'm too broke and knackered this year to bother!). However, if it is a big deal for you explain it to him and demand breakfast in bed or something!

Original poster
wibblewobbly · 01/03/2009 23:56

Yeah, youre right, mothers day has always been a big event in our house - was brought up to make a huge fuss of mum on her special day! Thats why it is important to me, especially it being my first (a much wanted child after struggling to concieve and a miscarriage)

Sorry to hear about your mum paddington

OP posts:
Pawslikepaddington · 02/03/2009 00:02

I know it sounds pathetic but could you not ask him to organise a day trip for you and his mum (with him and your dc)? That way it is special for both of you? Or is MIL the type you don't really want to spend a special day with (mine wasn't!!).

Original poster
wibblewobbly · 02/03/2009 00:08

MIL is lovely but yeah not the type Id want to spend the whole day with.

Both MIL and FIL insist that we visit them every other day and TBH as much as we find it difficult, its not worth arguing about so we do go every other day.

So thats another reason why Id like to just have a flying visit on mothers day or perhaps see them the day before but have the day just for US!

OP posts:
myfunnynametaken · 02/03/2009 00:11

Your in-laws insist on you visiting them every other day - doesn't that bother you?

Pawslikepaddington · 02/03/2009 00:13

Can you not really stress the "this is the day I thought I would never have when we were going through the tough fertility patches, so need this first one to be special" to dh, and then force him to explain and take the rap with MIL (especially if you have to go and see them every second day-that would kill me!), and stress that it is just this once (and then next year say "well, they were ok with it last year, it is my time now !).

Original poster
wibblewobbly · 02/03/2009 00:13

Yeah it does - a lot! And they wont come to us either we always have to go to their house. Their excuse is that MIL has been ill (she has just recovered from lung cancer and doing very well) but with a little one it is very difficult.

OP posts:
Pawslikepaddington · 02/03/2009 00:14

I would tell them once a week was all I could manage-wow you have more moral fibre than me!

Original poster
wibblewobbly · 02/03/2009 00:16

Im returning back to work after easter and so Im going to tell them then, that we will ring but will only see them at weekends. Theres no way we can do it when we are both working! Not looking forward to telling them but Hey!

OP posts:
DeeBlindMice · 02/03/2009 00:23

She has just recovered from lung cancer??

And you are trying to emotionally blackmail her only child into not visiting her on mothers' day because you think she needs to step aside so you can have "your" day?

Yabvvvvu

Basically you can assume that if you ever think a day should be all about you you're being a selfish asshole. There are too many people in the world for anyone to have their own day

JodieO · 02/03/2009 01:44

Actually seeing what you said about her recovering from lung cancer I would arrange something for the both of you, that's quite a big thing tbh and her being ill is a very valid reason for her not to visit you. Did she have chemo? That takes a hell of a lot out of a person. Cancer is an awful, awful illness.

nooka · 02/03/2009 05:54

I think it sounds as if you have some other issues to work through with your dh. I've never done mother's day (my mother's real birthday is only a week or so later, so we celebrated then) so I don't see it as a big issue at all, but surely it is for your children to make you feel special on that day, so your dh should be nice to his mum, and you just have to wait a bit (children's gifts on mothers day are lovely). But if you are generally feeling neglected by your dh then maybe this is a symptom of your unhappiness - I know sometimes small things can blow up completely out of proportion.

As your dh's mum has just been treated for lung cancer I can absolutely see why he wants to cherish her. Chemotherapy is truly horrible, and lung cancer has a very poor long term survival rate (assuming that as she had chemo she had small cell carcinoma). He may well feel that he might not have that many mothers days left with her.

My dh didn't get me flowers or a card when we had our children - is this normal? I would have been very surprised. Lots of people gave us cards, but to both of us, not just me.

Still I know that MIL relationships can be difficult, and yours does sound intense. Sadly my prospective MIL died before dh and I got married.

nooka · 02/03/2009 05:56

Ooops, sorry I didn't notice it wasn't the OP talking about chemo. I hope the cancer was in which case early stage non-small cell and so much more treatable. But still very scary.

seeker · 02/03/2009 07:03

'Their excuse is that MIL has been ill (she has just recovered from lung cancer and doing very well) but with a little one it is very difficult.'

Wow - how manipulative is that!

mm22bys · 02/03/2009 07:28

I agree with DeeBlindMice.

YABU.

(FWIW, Mother's Day is not a big deal in our house, this will be my 5th and I would be delighted to receive a card, it's not really a big deal, we love each other every day, and do many things together as family through out the year...)

QuintessentialShadows · 02/03/2009 07:35

YAB totally U. And uncaring and shortsighted to boot.

You are not your dhs mother. Why should he pamper you?

It is called MOTHERS day, not spouses day. He spoils you rotten on your wedding day. (I hope, at least, that is when a wife/husband can expect some pampering)

When your child grows up, and knows what mothers day is, you will be getting nice little drawings, kisses and cuddles. THAT is what mothers day is about. NOT about your dh putting his own mum aside so that you can eat chips on the shore.

cornsilk · 02/03/2009 07:43

Were you intending to make such a fuss of him on father's day? You sound spoilt enough already.

rubyslippers · 02/03/2009 07:44

YABU

your DH has every right to spoil his mum who has been through a terrible illness

i think you need to share the day with her and not be so petty