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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to expect DH to REALLY spoil me on my first mothers day?

195 replies

wibblewobbly · 01/03/2009 22:59

Today, I brought up the subject of mothers day and what we were going to do, especially with it being my first one that I can celebrate as being a mum. I asked what he was planning on doing, and he said 'nothing much, probably go to MIL's and get her some flowers.'

So I pointed out that I am a mum now and would like him to really 'go to town' with it being my first (I then reminded him that when DS was born he didnt send me a card or any flowers so think he owes me big time)

I explained that didnt mean anything materialistic, e.g. a trip to the seaside having fish and chips on the beach would be nice - just to do something nice as a family. Sure, we will get my mum and his too something nice but I dont want to spend the day with them - I want to celebrate the day for me! I think Ive earnt it TBH - it is only one day.

But he doesnt seem happy with this and thinks we should spend the day with his mum (which is what we would normally do). I have tried to compromise e.g. go to see her in the morning then we do our thing but he isnt convinced and he s making me feel selfish.

AIBU?

OP posts:
troutpout · 02/03/2009 07:53

yanbu...and interestingly it seems that all the people who've said you,are are people for whom it is 'not a big deal in their house'

Well for you, it is

I think it is unreasonable to expect your dh to go mad ...but definitely not unreasonable to want to spend it with your own little family unit.

I think a flying visit to your mil's is fine and then to spend a day with your child and family would be lovely.I don't think it's a over the top expectation tbh either

Do you think your dh will be happy to let fathers day be similarly ignored? Or do you think he would like the tradition continued for him

Bathsheba · 02/03/2009 07:56

Not read the other replies yet, but that is why in my family we invented Yummy Mummy day..!!

Our mothers days were so tied up with OUR mothers that I didn't ever get spoilt - my Dh actually shouted at me on my first mothers day that I was "supposed to be enjoying myself" as I was dragged to his Mum's choice of fuddy duddy overcooked-food restaurant to spend the day with my MIL and her DH who I hated..

So subsequently we decided that our Mums could HAVE Mothers Day - we'd still take them out for lunch etc (both my Dh and I have siblings but they never do anything so it falls to us our our Mums wouldn't get spoilt at all) and I am treated to lunch, flowers, lie ins and breakfast in bed on another day (often the sunday before or after etc)

Works perfectly for us..!!

seeker · 02/03/2009 07:58

The mil in this case has lung cancer.

rubyslippers · 02/03/2009 07:59

i think the MIL's illness in the case is a very important factor

i wouldn't dream of letting my DH not spend the day with his mum in these circumstances

seeker · 02/03/2009 08:00

And I do hope that all the people demanding "pampering" (god, that's a foul word) are going to reciprocate on Father's Day.

piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 08:02

The problem is that it is 'Mother's Day' and you are not his mother! When your DC is old enough to know what is going on you will get your mother's day because your DH will have to organise them. Your baby is too young to know.You could have a special day out as mothers together.

SoupDragon · 02/03/2009 08:05

You are being hugely unreasonable! she's just recovered from lung cancer FFS! I'm not sure how "just" recovered she is but that really doesn't make any difference.

OrmIrian · 02/03/2009 08:09

"he didnt send me a card or any flowers so think he owes me big time"

No he doesn't. Why would he owe you? What a strange idea. Mothers Day is for children to thank their mothers, not partners. So in fact it makes more sense for DH to make a fuss of his mother rather than you who aren't his mother.

It would be nice if he marked it on behalf of your baby, but you can't expect or demand it.

I have 3 children and I also have a mother and a MIL. So I get a gift and a card but I also get to cook a meal for 8. It's life.

YABU.

OrmIrian · 02/03/2009 08:11

She has had lung cancer?

OrmIrian · 02/03/2009 08:13

"Their excuse is that MIL has been ill"

Excuse?

Leaving this thread right now...

BouncingTurtle · 02/03/2009 08:15

I think YABU as well.

I got very cross at DH last year because he forgot mother's day... the reason why I was cross was I had reminded him several times and he still forgot to get his mum a card!!
I'm going to email him every day until he goes and gets one this year

This is my second one as a mum, and I still don't expect anything, ds is too little at 14mo to understand, and I'd rather wait until he is older and learns about it. Even then I would only expect something he made himself.

(Warning - bitchy rant alert)

Unlike his ex who DEMANDS money spent on her and dictates how much DH should spend and what to to buy her for a mother's day present. And has done since dss was born. Oh and she always makes sure that we have dss on Mother's day, because it is her day and she should be able to do what she wants - i.e. a child free day!
Ah well it takes all sorts I guess!

lalalonglegs · 02/03/2009 08:16

You're not his mother so why should he do anything? I think that is really odd and even stranger is the idea he should have bought you a present for giving birth. I just don't understand that at all- were you doing him some sort of favour by having a child?

piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 08:19

I think that you have the right attitude BouncingTurtle, until your DC is old enough to understand and make something themselves the whole thing is pointless. Even then, you being a mother doesn't cancel out the older generation of mothers.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 02/03/2009 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 08:21

I didn't understand the present for giving birth either-surely you are equal partners? Did you give him one?

MarlaSinger · 02/03/2009 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarlaSinger · 02/03/2009 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 08:22

A present at birth is nice-but only if spontaneous-not if you have to suggest or nag.

BouncingTurtle · 02/03/2009 08:24

Piecesmoon - we both bought each other a present when ds was born. Dh bought me a record book, I bought him a photo frame.

I agree - mothers don't stop being mothers when they become grandmothers.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 02/03/2009 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 08:32

A card and flowers is wonderful-but surely only if they think of it themselves? It takes the pleasure away if you have had to instigate it, IMO.

kslatts · 02/03/2009 08:35

I think YABU. Even more so as your MIL has been ill.

I wouldn't expect my dh to organise anything for mother's day, my dd's are 9 and 7 and they usually make a card at school and will ask dh to help them organise something if they want to. For father's day I will remind them that it is approaching and ask them what they would like to do for dh, if they asked me to help organise a special day out I would obviously help but it is their decision, if they said they would just make him a card each I wouldn't push them to do anything else.

My MIL lives in Ireland and dh is going over for a few days, due to fly home a couple of days before Mother's Day. I have reminded him that he should organise something while he is there, I will be a bit annoyed if he now forgets to arrange anything for his own mum.

kslatts · 02/03/2009 08:35

IMO, it doesn't mean anything if it's from DH and not your DC's.

bigTillyMint · 02/03/2009 08:36

I can see exactly how you must feel if you have to see them every other day anyway. UANBU to feel like this and want the day to yourself, but it is Mother's Day and she is your DH's mother

Why don't you tell DH that although you really would like to spend the whole day with just him and your DS - as it is your first Mother's Day, BUT that as you know it is so important to him and her, you would of course be happy to visit after some family time in the morning.

independiente · 02/03/2009 09:24

I personally am not that fussed about Mother's Day for myself (esp when DC is too young to really understand it), BUT I didn't have any problems conceiving and my own mother has never made a big deal of it (we simply did homemade cards and lots of kisses) - so I'm coming from a different angle straight away.
I do understand why, in your case, this first M's Day has become something special for you to look forward to, and I think some posters are being a bit harsh.
However, I think the fact that your MIL has been through something very harrowing means that your DH is probably mentally comparing that with your request for him to 'go to town' re. you - and you're not coming off favourably.
Pointing out that he hadn't got you anything to mark the baby's birth, and asking him to 'go to town' on a day for you was probably not the best approach. Might have been better to sit him down and say ' look, I think we should definitely make a fuss of your mum after what she's been through - and let's also find a chunk of time that day just for us to celebrate. I know DC won't have a clue what's going on, but it's just something that's quite important to me...' Then you sound totally reasonable and caring.

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