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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to expect DH to REALLY spoil me on my first mothers day?

195 replies

wibblewobbly · 01/03/2009 22:59

Today, I brought up the subject of mothers day and what we were going to do, especially with it being my first one that I can celebrate as being a mum. I asked what he was planning on doing, and he said 'nothing much, probably go to MIL's and get her some flowers.'

So I pointed out that I am a mum now and would like him to really 'go to town' with it being my first (I then reminded him that when DS was born he didnt send me a card or any flowers so think he owes me big time)

I explained that didnt mean anything materialistic, e.g. a trip to the seaside having fish and chips on the beach would be nice - just to do something nice as a family. Sure, we will get my mum and his too something nice but I dont want to spend the day with them - I want to celebrate the day for me! I think Ive earnt it TBH - it is only one day.

But he doesnt seem happy with this and thinks we should spend the day with his mum (which is what we would normally do). I have tried to compromise e.g. go to see her in the morning then we do our thing but he isnt convinced and he s making me feel selfish.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsBoo · 02/03/2009 18:13

sorry meant to say patronising

BalloonSlayer · 02/03/2009 18:18

Do all the people who - and I admire their selflessness - do not expect a card until their children understand and can do it themselves, not write their children's names when they send out Christmas cards?

I despise people who drag children along to demonstrations and give them a placard to hold which says something like "What about my future."

Am I doing something similar by writing "Love from BalloonSlayer, BalloonDancer, DS1, DD and DS2" when DS2 can't even write let alone understand the meaning of Christmas?

OMG!!

SadMarg · 02/03/2009 18:20

Well you can find it as patronising as you want, I found it sweet and thoughtful. But fortunately for me my DH and I are compatable in that way. For all those who didn't want a present and didn't get one, then good for you for choosing a DH whose view of the world is the same as yours. But when the two views clash, it can be difficult if not heartbreaking.

Stop imposing your wishes on what the OP wants. If she wants to be a bit special on mothers day because it means a lot to her, then why the hell shouldn't she??!!!

piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 19:19

She is not going to feel special in the way that she wants because he DP has already said that he wants to see his mother! I think you only feel special if it comes from the DP, not if you have nagged him into a corner! His mother and her mother haven't suddenly stopped being mothers and her baby hasn't a clue that it is a special day-I agree it would have been nice but only if her DH had done it off his own bat.
Unless the 4th Sunday in Lent has real significance for her as Mothering Sunday I would suggest that they compromise and she has a special day with them all on the Saturday and then they could see MIL on Sunday. Personally, I would have a nice day out with all mothers together.

LilianGish · 02/03/2009 19:23

Be very careful what you wish for - especially as the mother of a ds. You'll be a MIL yourself one day and what would you want your ds to do then - especially if, God forbid, you are recovering from lung cancer?

RobynLou · 02/03/2009 19:31

re 'birth presents' i got a bit pissed off when i gave birth to dd on my birthday (now hers too ) and dh brought me nothing.
have just about forgiven him, but was very upset at the time...

2gorgeousboys · 02/03/2009 19:39

I got a fantastic and very specail present for giving birth - both times - a beautiful baby boy!!

I am spoilt rotten on Mothers day now that my DS's are old enough to understand, but wasn't really when they were babies. They make me breakfast in bed, I get a homemade card etc then we see my Mum and DH's Mum (often I cook lunch for us all).

I try and remember that as the mum to 2 boys one day I am going to be the Mother in Law and will have been a Mummy for much longer than my daughter in law and will still want to be shown that I am loved. Probably even more so as I would think it is easy to feel forgotten and a burden when you are the Grandma.

To me Mothers day (and Fathers day) is about spending time with family (all of it) and everyone feeling loved.

piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 19:54

'Seems to me the mummy martyrs are out in force today and disapproving of any suggestion that giving your body over to pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding might be worthy of a bit of acknowledgement by DH/DP. '

This actually makes it sound like some kind of penance! All 3 were the best experiences of my life-not to be missed for the world. A present would be nice but very unimportant and meaningless if I had had to suggest it.

pointydog · 02/03/2009 19:56

I was going to say to the op that she was BU.

But all she wants is a day with her family and for her dh not to run off to his mum's.

In that case, YANBU. Tell dh he's got his own family now and his child has a mother.

piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 20:01

I don't think that I lost my mother when I had my own DC, it actually made me appreciate her more.
A wonderful message-for families-we don't want you anymore we have our own little family! The best thing for children is an extended family.

Mumcentreplus · 02/03/2009 20:02

It's very bluddy worthy of acknowledgement imo...wonder if I should still hold Dh to the full body wax he said he would get after I gave birth hahaha

pointydog · 02/03/2009 20:09

I agree with you, pisces, but if you really don't fancy a trip to see the mil on mother's day, what's wrong with doing something else and seeing her another weekend?

Leo9 · 02/03/2009 20:21

But I just think you are not your DH's mother; he wants to see his mother on mother's day, which to me sounds absolutely right!

Your children are the ones who you will look to to celebrate mother's day with.

Of course I do see that it is healthy for men and women to appreciate each other's role as a mother and father, but TBH it would be truly sad if that only happened on one day of the year when the card manufacturers have decided. That appreciation, hopefully, comes day in and day out.

pointydog · 02/03/2009 20:23

now there;s an idea, leo. The op stays at home with her baby having a high old time, while her dh goes off to have tea and cake with his mum.

That's daft.

Leo9 · 02/03/2009 20:24

or, the OP goes to see his mother with him, or her mother if she has one? And waits until her child wholeheartedly and lovingly wants to celebrate her own mother?

Sounds not daft to me, but quite - erm, grown up?

pointydog · 02/03/2009 20:27

yes, it is grown up. That is true. But the op's wish to have a family day together isn't necessarily a childish one.

DeeBlindMice · 02/03/2009 20:32

SadMarg

"If she wants to be a bit special on mothers day because it means a lot to her, then why the hell shouldn't she??!!!"

Um, because she wants the specialness to come from her husband and he has already made it clear that he wants to spend the day with his mother who has just recovered from lung cancer.

I can hardly bear to think about how upset I would be if my mother had lung cancer. If my DH was stropping on about some day he wanted me to make special for him when I wanted to spend time with her I would find it hard to forgive him for such childish selfishness.

This isn't so much about what the MIL wants (although I think in the current circumstances it should be a pretty big consideration), it's about what her DH wants. He wants to spend mother's day with his mother, who is seriously ill. That trumps first mother's day for me, I'm afraid.

If my DH was in that situation I would do anything to support him. I certainly wouldn't be making demands about being spoilt and pampered. It just seems so shallow and silly when there are far more important things to be dealt with in the family right now.

The OP can pamper herself at home, go to see her own mother, choose another day for a family outing, there are so many things she could do that wouldn't involve asking her husband to give up something that seems to matter to him at such a sensitive and upsetting time in his life.

Leo9 · 02/03/2009 20:34

good post indeed, Dee

piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 20:52

OP should be pleased! Her DH is setting a good example to his children, if he carries on doing it,that mothers are important however old you are! OP probably has 60 or more years of Mother's Day so in my view it is better to miss 2 years at the beginning than 40 yrs at the end!
Unfortunately the day is spoilt for her now because even if he were to change his mind it wasn't what he wanted to do. Make a fuss of DH on Father's Day and he might get the message for next year!

Original poster
wibblewobbly · 02/03/2009 21:04

deeblindmice - you have read me all wrong! As have so many others on this post.

I simply want to celebrate mothers day because once upon a time I thought (and was told) I never would be able to. I dont want diamonds or pearls - I want family time. (I was wrong to post 'go to town' because that is quite the opposite of what I want)

MIL yes did previously have lung cancer but is fully recovered now. When she was ill, me and DH dropped everything and was there for her everyday. I dont want a medal for that, anyone would do the same but it did take a huge toll on our relationship and the first few months of DSs life. We are just abouts getting back on track with everything now.

I dearly love MIL, she s a lovely woman, but I would rather spend just a couple of hours with her and then have a family day - a long awaited one! We visit MIL 3-4 times a week so its not as if she rarely sees us.

Anyway, the matter has been resolved.
Spoke to MIL about it and she is fine with the arrangements, she said 'Youre a mum now, and after everything you deserve to be spoilt - especially as its your first.' So me, DH, DS and our 2 dogs are looking forward to a special family day to the coast after we have visited my mum and MIL in the morning.

I cant quite believe all the horrid comments that I have recieved over the matter! I am far from selfish, childlike and all the other bizarre comments.

But a huge thankyou to all those who sat back and saw it from my POV, Im not asking for the world, just a family day out on the 1st mothers day I thought I would never be able to celebrate.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 21:07

Glad it has all worked out for you and you have an understanding MIL. As you have a DS it will be nice if he turns out like your DH who still wants to spend time with his mother! Hope the sun shines.

mm22bys · 02/03/2009 21:23

It sounds like the great compromise, and your MIL sounds like a wonderful, understanding and compassionate woman.

Original poster
wibblewobbly · 02/03/2009 21:25

I agree piscesmoon DH is a fabulous man and if DS grew up to be half the man he is then I would be happy.

Both Me and DH bring DS up to know that family is so important, that is why we visit our extended family so often and why we will be seeing both mums (grandmas) on mothers day but also enjoying a family day together too.

OP posts:
noonki · 02/03/2009 21:28

having just read through the thread I'm sorry you have just had a battering, though it was unfortuately easy to see why.

I think people just read it as 'I want the world and my sick MIL deserves nowt' whereas you were just saying its been a rough ride, you see her loads and feel like you need appreciation that you are a family in your own right.

hope you have a lovely day

ps as a future MIL (three DSs) I hope one of my DIL lets me see as much of my GC as you do

pointydog · 02/03/2009 21:37

good. what a sensible mil. You weren't being the least inconsiderate, wibbly.

I will most certainly not be expecting my children to visit me on mother's day - or any other day - when they are grown up if they would rather spend it with their own closest family.