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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - to expect DH to REALLY spoil me on my first mothers day?

195 replies

wibblewobbly · 01/03/2009 22:59

Today, I brought up the subject of mothers day and what we were going to do, especially with it being my first one that I can celebrate as being a mum. I asked what he was planning on doing, and he said 'nothing much, probably go to MIL's and get her some flowers.'

So I pointed out that I am a mum now and would like him to really 'go to town' with it being my first (I then reminded him that when DS was born he didnt send me a card or any flowers so think he owes me big time)

I explained that didnt mean anything materialistic, e.g. a trip to the seaside having fish and chips on the beach would be nice - just to do something nice as a family. Sure, we will get my mum and his too something nice but I dont want to spend the day with them - I want to celebrate the day for me! I think Ive earnt it TBH - it is only one day.

But he doesnt seem happy with this and thinks we should spend the day with his mum (which is what we would normally do). I have tried to compromise e.g. go to see her in the morning then we do our thing but he isnt convinced and he s making me feel selfish.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Sholi · 02/03/2009 21:43

Spent my 1st mothers day eating rubbish sandwich in service station driving back from going to see MIL. Husband seemed to completely forget I was a mummy too!

ruty · 02/03/2009 22:49

i think the lung cancer issue threw everybody a bit - glad she has recovered and glad you have sorted it out.

ChippingIn · 03/03/2009 00:03

Wibblewobbly - I have just waded through all 178 posts!! Sorry you got such a bashing from some people, but there were some nice supportive posts in there too. I think you were being really reasonable and I think your DH needs a kick up the bum chat about valuing you/your family as well as the extended family!!

Anyway, I'm glad you have it all sorted out now and I really hope you enjoy your first Mother's Day

troutpout · 03/03/2009 08:04

so glad it worked out ok

Nekabu · 03/03/2009 08:46

I'm glad to hear it's all been sorted out and that you have a great day planned.

p.s., reading your original post you did come across rather me-me-me, which obviously isn't the case really.

Astrophe · 03/03/2009 09:04

YANBU hope to be spoiled

but

YABU to expect it,because men are famously crap at mothers day, IMO.

Hope you can find a suitable compromise. Maybe go to MIL's, then make the week after 'your' mothers day, just for you?

Milkmade · 03/03/2009 09:17

I've always thought there's something of a a correlation between families that expect / make a "big thing" of mothers'day and who then treat mum like doormat for the rest of the year - surely if you don't have lingering grudges against dp/dp for not pulling their weight most of the time, one day is neither here or there? I'd far rather a partner who e.g. does the washing up etc, and (as last night) spent 3 hours up with dd who having a sleepless one "because you look knackered" than flowers on a random day.

OrmIrian · 03/03/2009 10:18

Why is everyone going on about what hard work having a baby is. Is there anyone on this thread who didn't want their child? Who wasn't willing to do it? And would any of you swap with your child's father? I wouldn't. I feel priviledged to have given birth and fed my children. Priviledged, not martyred. My DH was sidelined during much of the labour and couldn't then even breastfeed. I felt sorry for him when my DC were small.

If you really feel you must have a gift to compensate you for the horror of labour and pregnancy then I feel sorry for you.

OrmIrian · 03/03/2009 10:19

"So me, DH, DS and our 2 dogs are looking forward to a special family day to the coast after we have visited my mum and MIL in the morning.
"

Good. Enjoy

compo · 03/03/2009 10:22

wibblewobbly - sorry to see you've had such a hard time on this thread
I'm glad it is all resolved

lowenergylightbulb · 03/03/2009 10:23

Normajean said

"...want to celebrate all the mothers we are and have known. "

I think that's a beautiful sentiment and is what mothers day should be about.

Helen31 · 03/03/2009 12:52

OrmIrian - I may have taken an over-harsh tone with my "mummy martyr" comment, because I was concerned to see the OP getting a bashing which I felt was unfair, and I am 40weeks today and frankly less than excited about the prospect of labour and birth. Yes, I knew this would be an inevitable part of the decision to try for a child, but try as I might, I still struggle to see it as anything other than a negative thing that I believe will be more than outweighed by the joy of having a new member of our little family.

I am very lucky to have the most lovely DH, who makes me feel special every day, and also tries to spoil me on the significant dates for us. I try to do the same for him. I was thinking it might be nice to buy him a token to commemorate his becoming a dad - I did something similar for his first birthday after we got married, and got him just the perfect gift for him . The look on his face when he realised what I had bought for him is a memory that I expect to cherish forever.

And I do understand where you are coming from with feeling DH can miss out on things. We've worked out a way for him to have an extra day a week at home for the first few months (and we may be able to use savings to extend this if it works for us). I'm really keen that DH gets to have some alone time with DC (and not just to allow me to go and do some things for me ).

mm22bys · 03/03/2009 13:13

Milkmade, I think that is true.

Many years when Dad's mum was alive, when she was living in a nursing home, a local TV station interviewed some of the mothers on a Mother's Day. They interviewed Nanny, and what she said has stuck with me ever since.

She said that she didn't really believe in Mother's Day, that mothers should just be loved and ppreciated every day.

So true.

I did want my first Mother's Day "recognised" (five years ago), nothing major, just a card or some other small acknowledgement, but now DS1 is old enough to make a card, and it is so sweet and it is to me what mother's day is about.

Saying that, I do really want to show mum and MIl this year when we'll get to actaully spend it with them, that they've been missed, and still appreciated, even though we've been so far away for so many years...

Bubbaluv · 03/03/2009 13:26

I've only read the v begining and the v end of this thread to avoid the nastiness.
In the OP's position I would send him off to see his Mum (as he should) and buy myself a fab day spa package on my DS's behalf. My DS is v generous - I can just tell

fircone · 03/03/2009 13:28

On my first mother's day dh went off on a boys' weekend to Southend. He brought me back a tea towel.

Beat that.

stompyourfoot · 03/03/2009 13:33

I had a shit first mother's Day. Absolute shit. Stomp your foot if you don't want to resent your DH for years to come. Mine has tried to make up for it since. But when I see things like this thread it takes me back and the truth is I have not gotten over it.

Two weeks past emergency casarean. We spent the day in the car driving to and from his mother's house. He said nothing about Mother's Day to me and didn't even buy me a card. His parents, however, were thoughtful enough to buy me a plant -- clearly not realising I have an unrivalled talent for killing anything that lives in a pot but hey the thought was there. On the way home he got annoyed with me, sulked the whole way back didn't even speak to me. When asked why he hadn't even said "Happy Mothers Day" he replied "Errr. Because you are not my mother." I was soooo unbelievably and irrevocably dissapointed in him. I can never have my first mother's day back. And I resent him deeply for it.

Stomp your feet so you don't have to feel all this resentment towards your DH. And point him to this thread so he understand before it has passed how important this may be you.

However, you too should compromise. Maybe you could go away on Saturday and spend the whole day somewhere, stay in a hotel, and make it back to MIL's by early afternoon. What you don't want to do is have a competition with your MIL. No good will come of that. This is about his attitude, not hers.

stompyourfoot · 03/03/2009 13:45

I'd also like to point out that a long car journey is not particularly comfortable post section.

I still get so when I think out his selfishness. and .

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 03/03/2009 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Helen31 · 03/03/2009 14:30

Thanks PregnantHedgeWitch - I am now feeling all brave and noble.

NormaJeanBaker · 03/03/2009 21:06

Thanks lowenergylightbulb - hope you and all here have a good day whatever the details turn out to be.
x

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