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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to expect DH to REALLY spoil me on my first mothers day?

195 replies

wibblewobbly · 01/03/2009 22:59

Today, I brought up the subject of mothers day and what we were going to do, especially with it being my first one that I can celebrate as being a mum. I asked what he was planning on doing, and he said 'nothing much, probably go to MIL's and get her some flowers.'

So I pointed out that I am a mum now and would like him to really 'go to town' with it being my first (I then reminded him that when DS was born he didnt send me a card or any flowers so think he owes me big time)

I explained that didnt mean anything materialistic, e.g. a trip to the seaside having fish and chips on the beach would be nice - just to do something nice as a family. Sure, we will get my mum and his too something nice but I dont want to spend the day with them - I want to celebrate the day for me! I think Ive earnt it TBH - it is only one day.

But he doesnt seem happy with this and thinks we should spend the day with his mum (which is what we would normally do). I have tried to compromise e.g. go to see her in the morning then we do our thing but he isnt convinced and he s making me feel selfish.

AIBU?

OP posts:
FimbleHobbs · 02/03/2009 16:24

I think you could fit in a bit of specialness for everyone - lie in for OP, get up and go to MILs, have lunch, back to yours to put your feet up while DH puts DC to bed.

I pretend not to mind what happens on mothers day but there is a little bit of me that wants to NOT deal with nappies, snot, errands, for the day...

NormaJeanBaker · 02/03/2009 16:26

I liked giving birth. At least I had something to do.

DunderMifflin · 02/03/2009 16:32

I agree with the other posters who say that a present that's demanded isn't worth jack, so in that sense YABU. I would be a bit about being told to 'go to town'...

It sounds to me as though the OP should arrange a 'Family Day' where she celebrates with her DH and DD - her partner must feel the same about this much longed-for baby and so all celebrate together on a different date.

As for presents for giving birth, its not as though men could do it and a decision is made as to who gets the job! Its a couple (hopefully anyway!) who decide to have a baby and the woman must realise what this involves. Of course a spontaneous present is always appreciated but I think its v strange to expect one.

idlingabout · 02/03/2009 16:37

Agree with '2pt4kids' and others who feel the OP has been treated harshly.
No-one seems to be bothered by the fact that her dh has made no provision in his plans for her to see HER MOTHER on Mother's Day which I think she mentioned in the OP. Surely she is not being selfish for wanting to do that.

wannaBe · 02/03/2009 16:45

When will people learn that all these days, mothersday, fathersday, valentines day, apparently there's a grandparents day now as well although have remained totally ignorant of that one, are just a way for the card manufacturers, the florists, and thorntons to make money?

Fwiw we do make an effort for mothers/fathers day, and when ds was tiny obviously dh/me bought the card, but to expect your dh's own mother to take a back seat purely because you want all the attention is petty and spoilt and childish IMO. Your baby isn't actually old enough to realize what mothers day is all about, and even if your dh does something, it is on behalf of the baby, not from him. He still has a mother and she hasn't become less important just because he has a child and a wife as well now.

mm22bys · 02/03/2009 16:48

It's DS1's birthday on the Australian Mother's Day in May. It will our first time in 15 years that we will get to spend Mother's Day with either of our Mothers (I posted on this earlier that I'll be in two different countries for Mother's Day this year, but didn't realise then that it clashes with DS1's birthday). It is also his first birthday that he'll get to spend fully with his grandparents ..

I'm really torn about how we should celebrate both events. I want to throw a little party for DS, but at the same time I would love to do something "special" for mum and MIL.

wannaBe · 02/03/2009 16:52

As for presents for giving birth, dh informed on the day I came home from hospital "I thought about going into town to buy you a diamond necklace today, but didn't." . Hadn't even occurred to me that he should have bought me something tbh, I'm sure he did buy me flowers, but tbh I had so many from other people as well that I honestly can't remember. He did do all the cooking and cleaning for the first two weeks while off work though so that was worth far more than any present.

DeeBlindMice · 02/03/2009 17:00

SadMarg
"It's her FIRST mothers day, for heaven's sakes!!! She's allowed to be a bit spoilt. "

Right, so the way to celebrate being a mother is to behave like a child?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/03/2009 17:01

mm22bys - can you sort of divide the day up? Have presents and cards etc with DS in the morning, and then have the lunchtime section as 'Mother's Day' - give them some flowers and have a nice bottle of something bubbly. Then you could have birthday tea for DS later in the day?

Not easy, but I'm sure that neither of his grandmother's will want DS to miss out on having his birthday just because it happens to co-incide with Mother's Day.

DeeBlindMice · 02/03/2009 17:02

LOL @ wannaBe's DH finally proving that it isn't the thought that counts

compo · 02/03/2009 17:11

I feel sorry for men, first then have xmas to contend wit, then Valentine's ay and then just round the corner Mother's Day
then some poor buggers have to give Easter cards and flowers and remember all their relatives birthdays etc etc
it is neverending

Annabel1 · 02/03/2009 17:16

YANBU to expect to be spoilt but I wonder how much you'll enjoy being spoilt if you've had to ask your DH to do it anyway (so directly). There is an unwritten rule in our house that we drop little hints of what we'd like to do/receive and it usually works. Also YABU if you expect your DH to make it solely your day without a nod to the woman who gave you him and indirectly your children.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 02/03/2009 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SadMarg · 02/03/2009 17:19

DeeBlindMice - since when has wanting 'some' attention equivalent to behaving like a child? .... yeah, right .

If she was throwing a screaming fit or something then yes, she would be behaving like a child, but she wants to share the day, happy to visit MIL, but also wants it to be special for herself - but god forbid that someone would want a bit of spoiling, especially when she was brought up to make a big deal of mothers day for her own mum.

mm22bys · 02/03/2009 17:23

Normally in my family they go out for Mother's Day breakfast (the venue we went to one year was where we ended having our wedding reception!). I have no idea what DH's family does.

We'll figure something out, I was thinking about having DS's the day before, and then having MIL and mum to lunch / dinner on the Sunday, but maybe by then they'll be sick of us :-)

I've been thinking some more about OP, what is so wrong with putting the "matriach" of the family first? Hopefully one day we'll the "matriach" -surely that in itself counts for something?

And why can't the op have her own special family / pampering day the day before, or any other date?

Nekabu · 02/03/2009 17:28

Where does the OP say she wants to share the day and visit her MIL? All I saw on that subject was:

"Sure, we will get my mum and his too something nice but I dont want to spend the day with them - I want to celebrate the day for me!" and then a mention in a later post of maybe a reluctant "flying visit" if she must.

The OP asked if she were BU and I think she is. Her dc is a baby and doesn't know Mother's Day from a hole in the ground. It's not like her dh is getting a card for a small child and helping him/her with making it special for mummy. Her dh's mother has cancer and he's her son, he isn't the OP's child and so I don't see why he should be making Mother's Day special for her nor do I see why a husband owes a wife "big time" for having a baby but that's digressing ...

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 02/03/2009 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Nekabu · 02/03/2009 17:37

Beg pardon, missed that bit!

Helen31 · 02/03/2009 17:59

Seems to me the mummy martyrs are out in force today and disapproving of any suggestion that giving your body over to pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding might be worthy of a bit of acknowledgement by DH/DP.

pooka · 02/03/2009 18:02

Don't get the idea of mother's day as sponsored by a partner/husband.

To me mother's day involves a home made card once the children are old enough to make it. Ditto father's day.

I get my mother a present, because she is my mother. I will expect my dcs to do the same when they are old enough, able, and have the means to do so.

goodnightmoon · 02/03/2009 18:02

i don't see why the day shouldn't be split between his mum and you. she can scarcely get upset if you go to see her in the morning and then have a special afternoon for you.

clearly it means a lot to you and I don't see why DH or anyone else thinks you're being selfish.

i have no problem either with asking for a bit of spoiling.

nor do i think it is strange for a woman to possibly get a present for birth. not like it is mandatory. DH bought me some lovely earrings a couple of months later as a thank you for being a good mum.

women bear the brunt of the birth and early months, i don't see what's wrong with a kind gesture. it meant a lot to me.

pooka · 02/03/2009 18:04

And am emphatically NOT a mummy martyr. But actually feel that limiting oneself to 1 day a year of appreciation is selling oneself short.

Nekabu · 02/03/2009 18:07

Acknowledgement, yes. Extra help and kindness, yes. Prezzy as standard and expected, I don't think so.

Nekabu · 02/03/2009 18:08

p.s., If people do get prezzies then obviously that's very nice! But I don't see that it should be expected and something to get huffy about if one isn't forthcoming.

MrsBoo · 02/03/2009 18:13

We dont do anything special on the actual sunday, as round here most of the restaurants and hotels are packed that day, and service /food is crap.
We will treat both our Mums at an earlier or later date, when at least you can enjoy the meal. On the day just a card/pressie

I dont expect any special treatment on Sunday, and hate the thought of it to be honest.
Present for giving birth, no thanks, find that a bit paronising actually.