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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to expect DH to REALLY spoil me on my first mothers day?

195 replies

wibblewobbly · 01/03/2009 22:59

Today, I brought up the subject of mothers day and what we were going to do, especially with it being my first one that I can celebrate as being a mum. I asked what he was planning on doing, and he said 'nothing much, probably go to MIL's and get her some flowers.'

So I pointed out that I am a mum now and would like him to really 'go to town' with it being my first (I then reminded him that when DS was born he didnt send me a card or any flowers so think he owes me big time)

I explained that didnt mean anything materialistic, e.g. a trip to the seaside having fish and chips on the beach would be nice - just to do something nice as a family. Sure, we will get my mum and his too something nice but I dont want to spend the day with them - I want to celebrate the day for me! I think Ive earnt it TBH - it is only one day.

But he doesnt seem happy with this and thinks we should spend the day with his mum (which is what we would normally do). I have tried to compromise e.g. go to see her in the morning then we do our thing but he isnt convinced and he s making me feel selfish.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 02/03/2009 09:39

I appreciate the feelings - we always spend Mother's Day visiting my MIL too. Not my Mum - she says: just send me a card, you're a Mum now, don't waste your day running around after me.

However it doesn't mean I don't get a card, a pressie, and could certainly have a meal out if I wanted one.

I was in the florists once, buying some Mothers Day flowers for my Mum, with somewhat bad grace I confess, as it does feel like a bit of a racket.

A woman was being served ahead of me and the assistant asked her if she would like her flowers wrapped.

"Oh, no. They are only for me," she replied, adding, "I haven't got a Mum any more."

"No, neither have I," answered the assistant.

They both fell silent.

Ever since then, if I feel a spark of resentment at focusing on other people on Mothers Day, I have remembered that conversation. I know how hard it will be when I get that day all to myself.

It was hard this year on Father's Day, having no Dad to buy a card for.

gagamama · 02/03/2009 09:55

BalloonSlayer, that bought a tear to my eye. I can't bear to imagine the day when I have no mother to spoil on Mother's Day.

As for OP, I think YAB a little U. Could you not do something nice all together, with MIL and maybe your mum too? A nice meal or something, for all of you? Mother's Day isn't like a birthday or something, it's not 'your' day, it's every mother's day. So while it's nice to be included, it shouldn't be all about you, surely?

VTVTVT · 02/03/2009 09:57

yabu. mothers day is an over commercialised load of crap anyway

and like others have said, you are not his mother, why should you get a whole day of being spoilt by him? ok maybe brekkie in bed, and card and small gift from your little one is a nice gesture, but to expect him to 'go to town'. arf, are you the frickin queeen or summit? no wonder he is miffed about it

mm22bys · 02/03/2009 10:01

I'm moving to Australia soon, and so will have two Mother's Days this year. OH I don't mean for me...DS1 is old enough to make a card, but after lot being in the same city as my (and DH's) mothers for 15 years, it will be so lovely to get to spend Mother's Day (May) in the flesh with mum and MIL.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/03/2009 10:07

FWIW, I didn't get a card or flowers from my DH when I had DS - I think it's a bit of a strange idea tbh!

Having seen the update re: lung cancer, I'm going to change my YAB a little U, to you are being v. unreasonable!
The poor woman, and your poor DH being put in such a position by his wife, who should be supporting him emotionally when his mum has been so ill.

The relationship that you have with your inlaws is clearly strained, and I can very much understand that you want to pull back from seeing them so much, but Mother's Day isn't the day to choose to plant your stake in the ground, especially when your MIL has been so ill.
Take a step back, grow up a little and look forward to times when the cards etc will come from your child as opposed to your DH.

Boco · 02/03/2009 10:08

The idea of 'pampering' and 'spoiling' makes me cringe a bit. And getting a card for giving birth.

Dp never done anything for mother's day here, when dds old enough to make a card, then that's what it's about.

ruty · 02/03/2009 10:10

YABU. Your MIL has lung cancer - how many Mother's Days might she have left? And Mother's Day is not about 'spoiling' mothers - it is about children appreciating their mothers in whatever way they can [burnt toast, home made cards, flowers, etc]
Your expectations about how dh your should treat you are bizarre IMO.

ShowOfHands · 02/03/2009 10:14

I hate to tell you this but you really shouldn't have been allowed to marry your own son. Fortunately, the Daily Mail will pay you well for your misfortune and the failure of the state under Gordon Brown's rule and you will be able to spoil yourself with the proceeds.

If I've misunderstood and DH isn't your offspring then I apologise. I was confused by your expectation that he has to conduct a meaningless hoopla.

Go to your MIL's fgs.

mm22bys · 02/03/2009 10:15

I don't recall getting a present from DH on the birth of DS1 and 2 either.

We were both just so delighted to have them here, they were themselves the best presents ever.

And it does not make DH "selfish"...

ShowOfHands · 02/03/2009 10:17

I didn't get anything for giving birth. The surgeon gave me some stitches, DD gave me piles and the hospital gave me food poisoning but it was all balanced out by the miracle of having a baby stitches piles food poisoning notwithstanding

ruty · 02/03/2009 10:19

rather odd idea for mother to get a present on delivering the baby. The baby is the present to you both, no? The baby gets presents, never heard of the mother getting them.

Nekabu · 02/03/2009 10:23

You're not his mother so why would he make a fuss of you on Mother's Day? More importantly, why would you want him to? Don't you think it's a bit of an odd attitude to want your dh to do mothery type fusses over you? Especially when his mother is around (and who knows for how much longer) to be spoilt on Mother's Day?

As for the "he owes you big time" for giving birth (what were you going to do, cross your legs and refuse to let it out unless a pressy was forthcoming?), did you give him a pressy for impregnanting you?

PlumpRumpSoggyBaps · 02/03/2009 10:34

I don't think wanting a present for Mother's Day from DH is wrong, nor do I think a present or some other acknowledgement for giving birth is wrong. After all, I'm assuming that those of you who think it odd would be a bit miffed if you didn't receive a gift, card, flowers or wahtever on your birthday? What, you want a gift just for being born? How unreasonable of you.

IMO Mother's Day is the day when a mum can relax a bit. Have tea or breakfast in bed. Do something nice that she likes doing. The favour is reciprocated on Father's Day for dad and, generally, all year round for children. Why shouldn't a loving couple acknowledge each other's hard work?

As for going to MIL's. Well, as you point out, it is for mothers. MIL is not the op's mother and therefore should not have to go there if she doesn't want to- particularly as she is supporting her MIL after her dreadful illness by seeing her (and FIL) at their insistence every other day.

YANBU.

2shoes · 02/03/2009 10:37

yabu you are not his mum, your dc's will make a fuss of you when they are older.

spokette · 02/03/2009 11:19

OP sounds like a spoilt,selfish, narcisstic, uncaring brat who thinks the world revolves around herself.

Why does your DH owe you big time just because he did not buy you flowers when you gave birth??

Your MIL is recovering from lung cancer. Where is your compassion?

YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU.

Mumcentreplus · 02/03/2009 11:35

I have to agree with other posts you aren't actually his mother!...each family celebrates differently if they do at all...when I did in the past as a child Mothers Day was about a bunch of daffs,a handmade card and brekkie in bed for mum...it was the day mum got a lie-in and dad cooked dinner...you need to perhaps relax about thw whole thing and look at the big picture

seeker · 02/03/2009 11:36

What's the point of a treat you have to ask for? Go out and buy yourself something nice. When your ds is old enough he'll make you a card and bring you burnt toast and cold tea in bed.

Oh, and grow up!

lalalonglegs · 02/03/2009 11:37

You know, I initially thought the OP was being unreasonable but some of this is a bit aggressive over the top. Does a request for a bunch of flowers and some family time really justify this sort of vitriol?

UnquietDad · 02/03/2009 11:37

I suppose it depends what you expect from your child on Mother's Day in the future. Would you consider it reasonable for them to spend it with their spouse, or with you?

troutpout · 02/03/2009 12:21

jesus christ! the op would just like a bunch of flowers and a day with her family...get a grip people!
'spoilt selfish uncaring brat '

She visits her mil every other day !

seeker · 02/03/2009 12:23

No, the Op wants her Oh to "spoil" her according to her specifications on Mother's day because he "owes her big time" rather than visiting his mother, who has the audacity to have lung cancer.

troutpout · 02/03/2009 12:28

she also explains that she didn't mean anything materialistic

fish and chips and day out?
spoil?...she's hardly asking for much is she?

Arrrggghh!

seeker · 02/03/2009 12:32

Her MIL has lung cancer. She is her oh's mum. End of story.

TotalChaos · 02/03/2009 12:33

YANBU to want fish chips and a nice day out and bit of attention. but YABVU to insist it has to be on mother's day given MIL has recently been so seriously ill.

Helen31 · 02/03/2009 12:33

Blimey wibblywobbly - I can see why you have stepped away from this thread! Sorry you're getting such a lot of flak sent your way, which I think is quite unfair.

I can see where you're coming from, but do understand why DH may be a bit loathe to make this the year he changes the tradition given MIL's illness. Personally I would ignore the comments about how unreasonable you are for wishing your DH would show he appreciates you. In my book that makes you human! And I do think a lot of the posters are ignoring the fact that you already see MIL every other day. That would do my head in!

But perhaps you need to talk to DH and check where he's coming from and I'm sure you'll be able to find a compromise that works for you both. PGHedgewitch had a good suggestion I thought, which gave you a special time and would still give DH the chance to make MIL feel special too.