AIBU - to expect DH to REALLY spoil me on my first mothers day?

[wibblewobbly]

Today, I brought up the subject of mothers day and what we were going to do, especially with it being my first one that I can celebrate as being a mum. I asked what he was planning on doing, and he said 'nothing much, probably go to MIL's and get her some flowers.'

So I pointed out that I am a mum now and would like him to really 'go to town' with it being my first (I then reminded him that when DS was born he didnt send me a card or any flowers so think he owes me big time)

I explained that didnt mean anything materialistic, e.g. a trip to the seaside having fish and chips on the beach would be nice - just to do something nice as a family. Sure, we will get my mum and his too something nice but I dont want to spend the day with them - I want to celebrate the day for me! I think Ive earnt it TBH - it is only one day.

But he doesnt seem happy with this and thinks we should spend the day with his mum (which is what we would normally do). I have tried to compromise e.g. go to see her in the morning then we do our thing but he isnt convinced and he s making me feel selfish.

AIBU?

I didn't know that BallonSlayer!

However the shops have, as usual, cottoned on to it as a money making scam I think.

BonsoirAnna- OP is a mother too.

Mothering Sunday has been celebrated for about 400 years. It is supposed to celebrate all mothers everywhere.

So, not a Hallmark invention.

And, traditionally, an eternity ring is given on the birth of a first child or a first wedding anniversary. Not a modern invention.

Tradionally plump? Well bugger me we are seriously untraditional then. DH could never afford such a thing.

You could have the Sunday either side. Unless you have a religious reason for it having to be the 4th Sunday in Lent-any day would do.

I do think the OP has expectations too high, as someone else said, what's the point of a treat if you have to ask for it.

However, I don't agree that mother's day shold be written off as a consumerist con.

My DH and DCs do make a big deal of mothers day but on their own terms. They make cards/pictures, they make me breakfast and generally make a fuss of me. I don't need a special day for this, I know they love and appreciate me BUT it is nice to put a bit of effort in to showing this love and appreciation a bit more than usual. I do the same thing with the DCs for fathers day. All "occasions" can and have been commercialised, Christmas, Easter, haloween. If you have your own traditions, you can bypass alot of the expensive shop bought crap and have a lovely day.

And to those who say it's not up to DP/DH, we're not their mothers, I disagree (well I agree we're not their mothers, but!). As the father of my children, DH plays an important role in teaching the DCs that everyone in the family is special and should be appreciated and he does this by joining in with their spoiling of me. I would think it odd if my DH showed no interest in the fact that it's mothers day for me as well as his own mother.

I think the point is that that like many traditional celebrations it has been hijacked as a money making exercise by the card and gift industries who know how much emotional investment people (especially women) put into it. As a mother, I always play it down and say to my kids that they don't have to part with a single penny. A lovely big hug is as good as it gets for me.

Another thing I wanted to mention is that some people find being a mother a hard adjustment. I certainly found it a shock to the system.

But some women perceive that they have changed from being a young, trendy, slender sexy person who can stay up all night, to a frumpy, grumpy, exhausted, saggy old mum who six months post-birth is still wearing her maternity jeans, and who could never stay up all night even though she sometimes does - and find it all rather traumatic.

And if you are feeling like that, surely you, more than anyone, could do with a bit of encouragement on Mother's Day, a sign from your other half that actually it is all going rather well, and that you are doing a grand job?

Also for anyone who has struggled with TTC or who has miscarried, the shops full of Mother's Day cards in past years have almost certainly been a cause of sadness, making them wonder: "will I ever get a mother's day card sent to me?" And therefore with their first Mother's Day looming, would anyone really grudge them the joy of a card and a bit of fuss?

I think a partner joining in with the kids celebrating mothers day is different to the partner being expected to make a fuss of his partner on mothers day when the kids are too small to understand. To me that takes away the point of the day.
The OP also seemed to expect a major fuss, not just some flowers and seemed to think giving birth warrented flowers from the partner.We got flowers from both grandparents after birth, but husband was too knackered having supported me through labour to go shopping. He was a new parent too, why should he buy me flowers rather than me buy him them? I saw flowers as for both of us as new parents.

I would have thought the easiest solution would be to have a day with her OH and child on another day near to Mothers Day, and still be able to celebrate Mothers Day with MIL. MIL will not be around forever - be thankful you can spend the time with her while you can.

Personally, I'm not fussed over Mothers Day, myself. So I don't mind spending it with MIL, who is a lovely woman. I am happy to make it a nice Mothers Day for her.

As far as the "push" presents, I think it's incredibly tacky - I have seen so many women who expect gifts from their DHs for having a baby and are highly insulted if it's not just the right thing or expensive and such. What a complete mess of priorities. I'm just happy to have a healthy baby.

OrmIrian- natch it doesn't have to be an eternity ring. I mentioned it only to point out that a gift is traditional at that time.

DH and DS are off to a rugby tournament on Mother's Day, leaving me to look after DD.
They will come back muddy and tired, and I will probably end up cooking.
That's life. I'm not complaining, all of the other families at his rugby club are doing the same thing. Just thought I would mention that not everyone lounges around all Mother's Day doing nothing!

Hi Balloonslayer, I sort of knew that Mothering Sunday was a traditional date on the calendar but didn't know why. Unfortunately, like so make others it's been turned from something personal and meaningful into a day where women expect gifts and cards simply because they are mothers.

It's the expectation and greed that is, IMO, wrong and what I dislike about the idea of Mother's Day as it is marketed now.

I got gifts whilst in hospital following the birth of my son - the usual stuff you might buy someone stuck in hospital like flowers, chocolates and fruit. I certainly didn't expect a gift simply for having a child that I wanted in the first place. For me the gift of my baby's birth was enough.

make a new tradition to ignore mothers day. we don't do greeting cards cash cow spectaculars. do things for eachother every day. dh brings me a cup of tea in bed every morning and offers breakfast too which as i am bf every two/three hours at mo i will accept as always wake up really hungry! when dd older i guess she might want to do things so he might be pulled into it but that would be from her not him. feel sorry for your dh with mum being ill.

I have to admit that I have a sneaking dislike of Mothers Day. Mum was menopausal at the same time as I was starting my periods. Not good . But I was painfully self-conscious at that age. They had a tradition in our church of making little bunches of flowers up for all the children to give to their mums. But it meant I had to get up in front of all those people ! So one year I couldn't get myself to do it. I was too shy. Mum started to cry and all the other ladies crowded round and made a fuss of her and gave me dirty looks. It was awful. I had already made her a card and given some flowers too. She did have the good grace to be embarrassed afterwards. But its left me with a nasty feeling about it all and I don't think anyone has a right to expect things.

I feel a lot of people are being really harsh to the OP here!
Yes, MIL is ill and recovering from a serious illness, but they see the MIL every other day usually and OP is merely proposing that they spend HALF the day with MIL and then spend half the day as a family for her part of Mothers Day.
Strikes me that MIL gets lots of visits and fuss normally and OP doesnt, so surely at least SOME of the day could be spent having a nice time for her sake. Not unreasonable at all imo.

These types of events may be money making scams by Hallmark, but if they encourage people to appreciate the family a little and spend a nice day together (which is all the OP wants, not diamonds!) then whats the harm?

And all these people saying that mothers day should be ignored until the children are old enough to do something by themselves, not led by another parent - how will the children ever learn that its a special day if they never get shown?
A 5 year old could do a nice drawing for her Mum and really make her day, but not without a bit of prompting perhaps from her Dad, so does that mean it shouldnt be encouraged as its not entirely her own idea?
I cant imagine that many children will be inclined to do something entirely of their own choosing, with no prompting at all until they are into their adulthood! And then they will probably turn round and say (like a lot of you!!!) that 'my parents never made a fuss when I was young, so I dont now!'

I feel a lot of people are being really harsh to the OP here!
Yes, MIL is ill and recovering from a serious illness, but they see the MIL every other day usually and OP is merely proposing that they spend HALF the day with MIL and then spend half the day as a family for her part of Mothers Day.
Strikes me that MIL gets lots of visits and fuss normally and OP doesnt, so surely at least SOME of the day could be spent having a nice time for her sake. Not unreasonable at all imo.

These types of events may be money making scams by Hallmark, but if they encourage people to appreciate the family a little and spend a nice day together (which is all the OP wants, not diamonds!) then whats the harm?

And all these people saying that mothers day should be ignored until the children are old enough to do something by themselves, not led by another parent - how will the children ever learn that its a special day if they never get shown?
A 5 year old could do a nice drawing for her Mum and really make her day, but not without a bit of prompting perhaps from her Dad, so does that mean it shouldnt be encouraged as its not entirely her own idea?
I cant imagine that many children will be inclined to do something entirely of their own choosing, with no prompting at all until they are into their adulthood! And then they will probably turn round and say (like a lot of you!!!) that 'my parents never made a fuss when I was young, so I dont now!'

Very difficult juggling multi generational mothers in one day! My sister and I are expected to spoil our mum, though my sister is a mum herself but doesn't dare mention it on the day, as it's all about our mum.

I was digging through an old box of family keepsakes last year and found a mothers day card which said 'to the best mummy in all the world lots of love from Danny xxxxxxx' - I did the maths and worked out that my dad must have written that card when he was 21. My brother is 40 now and my parents long divorced.

Come on, who wouldn't love a card like that? If the commercialisation aspect is a turn off, there's always the hand made option.

i think 1st Mothers Day is significant.i felt it quite deeply OMG i am a mummy.so YANBU at all

Think part of he problem is that partners don't associate their partners as mothers, otherwise this could be a bit creepy.

So, even the most thoughtful, kind and compassionate partners are puzzled by the fuss as they consider themselves as a son with a duty towards their mother rather than making a big thing of the day for their partner.

If your DH/DP has enough imagination to put out milk and cookies for Santa (as we all know he prefers something stronger ) then can't understand the harm in schleping and getting a card...

surely this is also dependent on what you plan to do for fathers day/ what he expects.
as i'd say fair game if he expects you to spoil him on fatehrs day then it should be reciperocated.

Just came back to this thread after my post earlier. Can't believe how vitriolic some posters have been to the poor OP! I stand my my earlier comment that there was probably a better way to express it than asking her DH to 'go to town' for her on Mother's Day. But honestly - 'spolit selfish uncaring brat' ?!!! A woman who visits her in-laws every other day, describes her MIL as 'lovely', has seen her MIL for mother's day every other year, and simply wants her own much-longed-for first-time motherhood to be marked for only a part of the day?

Both our mums are dead and I would choose a lovely lunch with spring flowers on the table and a chilled Chablis. But we will be at SIL's instead. But she is ill (cancer) and is a mum too - and we are going through the family photos all together. Not ideal but want to celebrate all the mothers we are and have known.

It's her FIRST mothers day, for heaven's sakes!!! She's allowed to be a bit spoilt. And what's wrong with getting something from your DH for giving birth?? The work load isn't exactly equal, is it? I sure as hell don't recall my DH suffering from a painful pregnancy (or giving up alcohol, cheese, etc), or going through the pains of childbirth. And as for thanking him for impregnanting me? (Someone's charming suggestion earlier! ) well that was a damn site more fun than labour was, that's for sure.

My DH brought me flowers in hospital, and so he bloody well should have. He also bought me some beautiful earings that had blue gems for our gorgeous little boy - certainly wasn't expecting those, but they were a wonderful gift and I adore them and get a kick out of wearing them because of what they mean to me.

He was unavoidably away for most of my first Mother's Day, but did leave me a very sweet card on behalf of DS. And yes, I did the same for him on Father's day.

If memory serves me correctly, OP, you also had your ILs insisting on on a Centreparks holiday, at a particular time (February??) regardless of the fact that you couldn't afford it?? I doubt there's that many women on here whose MILs have successfully recovered from lung cancer. It sounds as if you need to start setting some boundaries. Start with small important ones. You deserve for Mothers Day to be just as special for you as your MIL does. Sharing it is not selfish of you - and don't let the others on here tell you otherwise.

How long before there is a card for Foetus Day?

I have already seen a "Foetus On Board" car sticker