Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to expect DH to REALLY spoil me on my first mothers day?

195 replies

wibblewobbly · 01/03/2009 22:59

Today, I brought up the subject of mothers day and what we were going to do, especially with it being my first one that I can celebrate as being a mum. I asked what he was planning on doing, and he said 'nothing much, probably go to MIL's and get her some flowers.'

So I pointed out that I am a mum now and would like him to really 'go to town' with it being my first (I then reminded him that when DS was born he didnt send me a card or any flowers so think he owes me big time)

I explained that didnt mean anything materialistic, e.g. a trip to the seaside having fish and chips on the beach would be nice - just to do something nice as a family. Sure, we will get my mum and his too something nice but I dont want to spend the day with them - I want to celebrate the day for me! I think Ive earnt it TBH - it is only one day.

But he doesnt seem happy with this and thinks we should spend the day with his mum (which is what we would normally do). I have tried to compromise e.g. go to see her in the morning then we do our thing but he isnt convinced and he s making me feel selfish.

AIBU?

OP posts:
troutpout · 02/03/2009 12:39

Absolutely Helen
The op suggested compromise from the start .....with visit to mil in morning

stickylittlefingers · 02/03/2009 12:46

I don't know if the OP is still looking at this thread, but really some of the responses are a little melodramatic! The idea of giving one day to MIL and another to OP seems to sort it out nicely. People celebrate these things differently. I did like Plumprumps response re birthdays - very to the point!

Oblomov · 02/03/2009 12:49

OP's dh ddsn't get her flowers and a card when she gave birth.
And thus he owes her 'big time' ?
Is this the norm now ? My dh didn't get me flowers or a card. I thought that was what everyone else did. But my dh treated me with love, respect and total kindness during birth. And he was and still is totally besotted with both ds's. And he is still besotted with me Isn't THAT more important.

Agree with other posters. There is much more going on here than OP. Why visit every other day ? why agree to ?if dh is not paying you enough attention, then I suggest you sort that first.

2shoes · 02/03/2009 12:51

can you just share? we are going to see mil on the saturday (rest of family will do there visits on the sunday) that way I don't have to spend the day driving there and back and cooking in her kitchen

BalloonSlayer · 02/03/2009 12:54

A friend of a friend's DH pressed an eternity ring into her hand just after she'd given birth to their first DC.

I always thought that was lovely and romantic.

(He buggered off with someone else 10 years down the line, though.)

Oblomov · 02/03/2009 12:54

Actually, I take it all back. Apparently a 'birthing present' is the norm these days. If your dh hasn't bought you a £500k diamond ring, to signify the birth of your child then apparently he is just ....... tight/asshole/something similar.

PerArduaAdNauseum · 02/03/2009 12:55

I would have been if DH had trivialised the birth of our son with some triteness in a Hallmark card.

And I don't do mother's day.

I am more than happy for DH to do mother's day with his mother - it's important to her, and she is his mother.

And I do also think you need to grow up.

troutpout · 02/03/2009 12:56

pmsl at balloon slayers post

LittleMissBliss · 02/03/2009 12:57

OP I think that you deserve a little pampering nd a day with your family. You see MIL 3-4 times a week! Its not as if you are depriving her of your DH, Splitting the day up sounds like a good idea to me. You are not selfish. You are a new mum so the day is about you also.

(Just to add i was a little upset that dp didn't get me any flowers after giving birth to ds but didn't say anything)

BalloonSlayer · 02/03/2009 13:01

I feel a bit that I can't actually remember whether I got flowers or not?

I do remember the flowers I did get being the bane of my life the first few days at home. I was sat there nursing a baby and a CS scar and all I could see were these rows of vases, some with flowers starting to die, some with green water. It drove me mad looking at them. If I ever got 3 minutes to myself I was limping into the kitchen trying to sort them out.

LittleMissBliss · 02/03/2009 13:02

Peradua- you would have been cross if your dh took the time to write you card. Heaven forbid if he actually did something wrong.

Oblomov · 02/03/2009 13:03

I dislike the term 'birthing present'. But funily enough dh did buy me a present soon after the birth of ds2. with ds1 he didn't no idea why. he bought me a pair of earings that I really liked. cost £30. God I love them.

So yes, I take everything i said back. ha ha. hypocrite that I am . tee hee.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 02/03/2009 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

2rebecca · 02/03/2009 13:08

I agree with those who think mothers day is a day for children to think of their mothers. You are not your husband's mother and your child is too young to be aware of mothers day so why are you expecting red carpet treatment?
I think my sister sent me a happy mothers day card as a joke/to show she recognised I was now a mum but don't remember my husband getting me anything for my first mothers day and I had no expectation of anything. I'm not his mother!
Once the kids were over 2 though we'd take them to the shops to choose mothers/fathers day cards until they started making them at nursery/school. We've never bothered much with presents for mothers and fathers day though from the kids. A card and them making a cup of tea when old enough to do so was enough. Now I'm remarried I'm happy just to have my kids with me on mothers day, and try to arrange things so its my weekend, same with their dad and fathers day and I still make sure to take them to buy cards for their dad.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 02/03/2009 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LittleMissBliss · 02/03/2009 13:10

Balloonslayer, v [envy, even with the moldy green water .I didn't get any flowers after having ds. Loads of lovely cards and presents for ds, and MIL got me chocs and spa treatment, she's lovely.

The flowers that i had hoped for from dp weren't a gift for giving birth as such. Just something to brighten up the house and cheer me up after feeling pretty shit after a really long painful labour and no sleep. I didn't think i derserved them, just they would have been nice. The funny thing is dp does often pick up a bunch of small flowers with the food shopping so was a little miffed that he didn't get any for when we arrived home from hospital. Men are strange creatures.

ginnny · 02/03/2009 13:20

Wibblewobbly - fast forward 20 years, imagine you have been seriously ill and pulled through, your ds and his wife have just had a baby and he says "sorry can't spend mothers day with you any more because XX is a new Mum and I'm spending the day with her from now on!"
You don't stop being a Mum just because your dc are grown up.
YABU - dh could get you a card and small token pressie from ds but you have to acknowledge that he has a mother too and wants to see her on Mothers Day.
TBH the day will be more special for you as ds gets older and can make you cards/presents which are worth more than anything that could be bought in a shop.

BonsoirAnna · 02/03/2009 13:23

I think you are being very, very unreasonable.

It is Mothers' Day you are talking about here, not Wives' Day. Wait until your DS is old enough to spoil you. And let your DH spoil his mother.

roseability · 02/03/2009 13:30

I hate mother's day. A load of old consumerist crap. Why should we be thanked for being good mums, isn't that just our duty to children who didn't choose to be born? Of course when my DS is old enough and chooses to acknowledge the day, I will be grateful and not express my true feelings!

I have a terrible relationship with my mother and yet I still have to get her a card and present just to keep the peace!

However my MIL is wonderful so we usually go and see her on the day. I would not have coped with my DS without her so don't mind going and spending some time with her.

Mumcentreplus · 02/03/2009 13:31

I got flowers!...

Waspie · 02/03/2009 13:33

Mother's Day is a pile of pants. Invented by card shops and florists IMO.

Why would your partner spoil you anyway? You aren't his mother.

My mother will get a card and flowers because she's under the mistaken belief that it's important and I love her and want her to be happy so I di it against my better judgement.

I would prefer something spontaneous - like, DS/DP was thinking of me and so bought me some flowers or a book I might like - rather than it's a Hallmark prescribed day therefore I MUST buy in.

Hate it.

Fairynufff · 02/03/2009 13:34

...and this is what I hate about these 'hallmark' invented celebrations (although I know Mother's day is traditional) but women get all hyper about what other people are going to do to make an abitrary day 'special' for them and it just leads to high expectations and inevitable disappointment.

YANBU to be annoyed by your dh's attitude but YABU to expect anything of anybody. If your baby is 1 then you've got a few years yet til he's brainwashed by nursery/school/card shops in thinking that he has to buy into the whole 'mother's day' hype.

My kids go mad over it - making cards, making 'stuff' that they think I'm going to love. But I don't want anything apart from them. I love them. I love the way they chatter to me. I love the giggles we have. I even love the stroppy little trantrums they have over nothing.

That's what mother's day is about. Not your husband being put through penitential trial because he doesn't live up to the fake idealism that is in your head.

BalloonSlayer · 02/03/2009 13:40

In the interests of pedantry, Waspie, it's not a Hallmark-prescribed day, it's a festival of the Church (Anglican).

Mothering Sunday is supposed to be the Sunday where people return to their Mother Church, ie where they were brought up.

So this could happen, children who were away from home and in service were allowed the day off to visit their mothers and go to church at home. On the walk home, they would often pick flowers to give to their mums.

As the Church of England is our national church, Mother's Day is on the same day. Other countries have it on different days.

Fathers Day and Grandparents Day (whenever that is, never caught on with me) are card-industry prescibed days.

ruty · 02/03/2009 13:45

quite BS. My dad always turned his nose up at 'Father's Day' as he deemed it a commercial money making exercise, invented solely for that reason.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 02/03/2009 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Swipe left for the next trending thread