i cannot fucking cope

[justcannotcope]

my toddler ds is constantly whining, not crying, kind of 'het het het' noise. It is driving me mad. I just cannot cope with him today. I am ashamed to say I scream at him to shut up sometimes.
I hate my life, sometimes I hate him, but I know I really love him if that makes sense. In my more rational moments I worry about how the shouting is affecting him.

I feel so fed up, all I seem do is stay at home in my tatty dressing gown and try to block out the noise. I cry, I shout, I eat too much.

I can't face toddler group, have not been this year. I have no decent clothes and I feel fat and totally gross. I have suffered from depression but thought I was better. Some days I feel ok but today is shit.

This is not a troll. I am just ashamed and need to let it all out. I don't know what to do to pick myself up.

I know how you feel. I'm trying so hard to avoid my mum. I'm starting my own business as a childminder and i'm a pre-school committee secretary/janitor and i feel full of energy and drive.
Then my mum rings and goes on about what she's watching on TV and that she can't breathe.
She has Dementia but has good and bad days and chain smokes over 100 cigs a day!
I just cannot speak to her as it just reminds me of her and the empty hole she has become and it threatens to suck me in as well.
She wants me to visit, but it's over 60 miles away, i have to pay £5.40 to get into Wales and petrol as well so its almost £20 just to go and sit in a stinking room with hardly any furniture (burnt or destroyed by urine) and the floor in the living room is just concrete.
I just can't stand it. My dad lives with her and he can't see it either.

hello justcannotcope. just wanted to say thank you so much for posting.

i have also felt like this. i have felt for years that everyone is staring at me, that i am fat and ugly and disgusting, that i am a nuisance and i am wasting people's time.

things are much better now i have gone back to work. it really really helps me to be with other adults and to be away from my dcs for a bit.

but tbh i still have this feeling deep down and i just try to ignore it. i have never spoken about it and i thought i was the only one.

also in the past i have had days like you had today where you're shouting and losing it and feeling rubbish about everything. i didn't come on MN. i just seethed and swore and felt even more rubbish. you did the right thing and this thread has helped me to understand some things about how i am. so thank you!

anyway, best of luck. you can do this. it's winter - put on a big coat, scarf, etc and push your ds around in his buggy tomorrow. if he whinges feed him some of those organix crisps or rice cakes or raisins or whatever. and next time, a drink. i used to walk and walk and walk until ds fell asleep. i would go whole days without talking to anyone. i walked for miles. i didn't really lose weight but i got fresh air and once ds was strapped into his buggy and had things to look at i found it much much easier than being trapped in the house. when he did fall asleep i would go to a cafe and get a cup of tea and read the paper cover to cover. or wander round clothes shops. or sit on a park bench and have some peace and quiet.

sorry i've rambled. thinking of you, please let us know how you get on xxx

hello justcannotcope. just wanted to say thank you so much for posting.

i have also felt like this. i have felt for years that everyone is staring at me, that i am fat and ugly and disgusting, that i am a nuisance and i am wasting people's time.

things are much better now i have gone back to work. it really really helps me to be with other adults and to be away from my dcs for a bit.

but tbh i still have this feeling deep down and i just try to ignore it. i have never spoken about it and i thought i was the only one.

also in the past i have had days like you had today where you're shouting and losing it and feeling rubbish about everything. i didn't come on MN. i just seethed and swore and felt even more rubbish. you did the right thing and this thread has helped me to understand some things about how i am. so thank you!

anyway, best of luck. you can do this. it's winter - put on a big coat, scarf, etc and push your ds around in his buggy tomorrow. if he whinges feed him some of those organix crisps or rice cakes or raisins or whatever. and next time, a drink. i used to walk and walk and walk until ds fell asleep. i would go whole days without talking to anyone. i walked for miles. i didn't really lose weight but i got fresh air and once ds was strapped into his buggy and had things to look at i found it much much easier than being trapped in the house. when he did fall asleep i would go to a cafe and get a cup of tea and read the paper cover to cover. or wander round clothes shops. or sit on a park bench and have some peace and quiet.

sorry i've rambled. thinking of you, please let us know how you get on xxx

oops sorry

Hello,

I had PND after my son was born. My husband was also suffering from depression at the time. Neither of us had the energy or the inclination to do stuff. We'd moved 100 miles, so we didn't have friends nearby to ask for help. Family didn't help at that point as they thought that DH should pull himself together and do more. If only depression was that easy to solve.

But, it got easier. He found antidepressants that worked. I found a PND group at surestart where they looked after our son for a couple of hours a week whilst me and other PND mums sat round and talked. It was initially my idea of hell, but I was soon convinced that it was exactly what I needed - 2 hours a week when I could say exactly how things were to people who understood. I had so much support when things were tough. My group saw me through a legal battle with my employers, the whole job hunting process and eventually my move into full time work...something which I had thought was impossible a few months before... My hv recommended me to surestart, so do try your hv.

I have self-harmed in the past. I have a tendency to overeat too. Please take note from all the messages that most of us have things like this in our closets. We don't necessarily talk about them at mums groups, as it's hard when someone is talking about teething to suddenly burst out with 'I shout at my kids and I eat my way into happiness and then feel shit about it so I eat some more', but I am sure if you said that, at least one other mum would admit they do the same!

I don't know what I'm trying to say, apart from don't lose hope. You won't feel like this forever, but you do need to feel like you are getting some control back. You could try cutting out caffeine as that makes depression worse for some people. Me included. Definitely go for a walk a day - the fresh air will do you good, your child will have something to look at and it will help you tone up. It's free, easy, good for you and you can't shout when you're on a walk!

And, if all else fails, blow up a balloon or buy a tube of bubbles. I have no idea why balloons and bubbles make most kids happy (and quiet) when expensive toys fail, but they do and you will feel happier if your child is happy.

Big hugs. Let us know how you get on.
xx

I am feeling more myself today. Am up and dressed

I want to go out for a walk with DS to town today. Someone mentioned yesterday giving yourself a 'treat' every week, what are your suggestions for cheering myself up for a tenner?

Is it selfish to go to a coffee shop with him (he gets a bit bored)?

Glad to see you

Go to a coffee shop, take some books/crayons/colouring book for your DS.

OOH, for a tenner I'd get a hair treatment sachet and a facepack sachet. If there's any money spare I'd get a new nail varnish.

Hope you have a lovely day.

Hi JCC, Glad to see your today.

Hope this will not find you at home, as you will be at a coffee shop!

I don't know if this will be practical with your little one's sleeping arrangements, but I treated myself to a DVD to watch by myself at home, just because I wanted to, and it felt very decadent but good.

Otherwise a Grazia to read with my coffee goes down well (I find it's more positive than a lot of the sleb weeklys).

The task someone set me was to find 5 things I would like to do for myself in a week. A bit like new year's resolutions, but instead of putting down things you think you ought to do, you put down things you would like to do, and that you could do within a week. It really worked for me.

Good luck JCC and keep up the good work.

Hx

Good going xxx

Going to a coffee shop is not selfish. I used to do that with my DTS. If you feed him slowly you might get 30 mins out of him. Or wait til he falls asleep and then go in and read a mag. Bliss. Loads of offers on at mo - might be able to get a neck & shoulder massage for £10 or a blow dry. That would be a really nice treat.
Also with the spots, my sister used to suffer with them (me too at times) she had them on her chest and face. Not acne in the sense that her whole face was covered, but they were sometimes large and painful almost like boils. Her doctor said that 5 'live' spots at once is the definition of acne and prescibed her roaccatane, which fixed it for good. Acne is very, very, bad for self esteem. Might be worth a try.

Hello jcc, hope you are at the coffee shop by now! It's not selfish at all to go out for a coffee. I used to do this every week when ds was small. We were on first name terms with all the ladies in the coffee shop, which was great. Ds loved it.

I also used to take ds to the cafe for a snack at the supermarket after we'd done our weekly shopping. It just helps to make boring jobs more bearable.

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better today.

Go for that coffee - nice warm hot choc, whipped cream, money left over for a glossy mag and treat for little 'un.

Justcannot - so much good advice on this thread, I don't have heaps to add other than this:

I don't know what time your DS wakes up in relation to your DP who leaves at 7am, but I think it would be an amazing thing to see if you could have your shower and get dressed before your DP leaves for work.

My DH is a SAHD, and I would never leave him with the kids without giving him a chance to get washed and dressed, no matter how late it might make me, because I know from being on maternity leave when he was working FT that there is NOTHING more likely to ruin your day, or may you feel like you can't achieve anything, than being left on your own with your kids without having time to yourself to get ready.

Talk to you DP about this and see if there's a way to factor this into your morning routine. I know time is always tight, but personally I'd sacrifice half and hour in bed to be up and at 'em before your DP walks out of the door.

You sound like you're going through a really tough time. I think we've all been there to varying degrees. The monotony of a moaning or whining toddler is like no other torture known to woman or mankind. The other ladies are right - at that point, you've just got to sling him in the pushchair and get out of a walk to the park, or if it's really lashing it down, get to ye olde coffee shop (do you have a starbucks anywhere near you? I know there are the work of the devil but our local one has an amazing little kids area. Bliss. Feet up whilst they romp around for free).

Brilliant You are fab!!! At the risk of sounding patronising (which I don't mean at all) I am very proud of you! It takes guts to get up and go out and try to feel better when you feel as bad as you do!

Your little one will love going to the coffee shop, mine do! Like someone said, take colouring or a few little cars and he'll be fine.

Enjoy x

JCC, I have read this whole thread and just wanted to remind you of what someone said earlier, that we are all around the country reading this and rooting for you. Lots of us have been there.

Hoping you get the real life support you need as well as online support from us. Take care, hug your little one from us and keep up the good work.

And PS, for what it's worth, I find if DS is whiny that if we can make it out to a little kids' playpark, the fresh air and opportunity to physically explore tends to sort him out. If he is feeling perky enough to actually run around a lot and knacker himself out in a healthy way, so much the better because then he falls asleep in the buggy and I can read my magazine on a bench. xx

JCC, just seen this thread and glad you got such good advice. There is stuff here for all of us!
My ds has grown up hanging around coffee shops with me. He LOVES it. Stick a few toys and crayons in the bag as the others have said. I take my paper round to our greasy spoon more days than not, though we both prefer Neros. Budget dictats though, eh? Make you feel human.

How could you feel ashamed? The only weird thing would be if you actively enjoyed being tied to a tiny whiny - like anyone, kids can be awful some days. Doesn't mean you're a bad mother (far from it) or you don't love them - it does mean they're being annoying/driving you nuts - but it's temporary.

Exercise - even in this delightful, er, 'brisk' weather, will make you feel a bit better. It can be foul peeling yourself out of nice warm indoors, but take the leap to cornershop and reward self with nice cuppa when you get back.

Good luck - we've all had times like this.

I firmly second the coffee shop idea -my DS was initiated at 3 days old, and loves going for lunch
He likes to flirt with waitresses and charm old biddies - of course it's not selfish of you....your DS will enjoy it too.

Morning JCC - how are you doing today?

Did you give the coffee shop a try? I took my own advice yesterday and found HMV were selling Sex and The City Movie for £7 - I have it saved for when I go into labour to try to take my mind off it (I can dream...and you can laugh).

Keep looking after yourself, Hx

I'm feeling much better thanks Helen. I went to the coffee shop and had a (skinny) hot chocolate and bought a magazine. It was cold walking but well worth it. I must get myself out more often, it's just difficult when you've got no purpose to go out, (and sometimes you end up spending money you can't afford).

Glad you got yout dvd.

Everyone who has posted here has been brilliant. I don't know how I would have got through a black day like that without your help and support.

Glad your feeling much better, fresh air does wonders, even if it is cold

jcnc - Happy your feeling better today. Go out just for the pleasure of being out & about. I know what you mean about money though. Sometimes I take a flask when I'm out with dd & sit down on a bench.

i'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time just now. we have all had days where we feel like crap, and screaming whining toddler in the house all day doesn't help. honestly, if you can get out the house even for 30 mins to just get some fresh air, you'll feel so much better. i know this because i've done it myself when i've felt tearful and close to shouting at my own toddler. thankfully this is a rare occasion, but it's great to get outdoors with your toddler. also i don't have any fashionable clothing to wear (Those days are LONG gone!!) but who cares what you're wearing when you are out and about.
would also agree with others, speaking to GP may be the right thing for you, and anti-depressants are not the only way to treat depression. there are lots of other options to help with this illness.
agree with the other mum who says we all have fat arses! been told mine could be seen from the moon!

ah ha just read your latest post, glad have ventured out the house. see, it's not so bad!