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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

i cannot fucking cope

211 replies

justcannotcope · 28/01/2009 10:29

my toddler ds is constantly whining, not crying, kind of 'het het het' noise. It is driving me mad. I just cannot cope with him today. I am ashamed to say I scream at him to shut up sometimes.
I hate my life, sometimes I hate him, but I know I really love him if that makes sense. In my more rational moments I worry about how the shouting is affecting him.

I feel so fed up, all I seem do is stay at home in my tatty dressing gown and try to block out the noise. I cry, I shout, I eat too much.

I can't face toddler group, have not been this year. I have no decent clothes and I feel fat and totally gross. I have suffered from depression but thought I was better. Some days I feel ok but today is shit.

This is not a troll. I am just ashamed and need to let it all out. I don't know what to do to pick myself up.

OP posts:
Original poster
justcannotcope · 28/01/2009 14:40

I am south west, but as I said before I don't feel up to seeing anyone, although ut is very kind to offer. Maybe when I feel bettr.

OP posts:
SoMuchToBits · 28/01/2009 14:42

Ah well, I'm in the East, but hope when you are feeling up to it, you can get in touch with some mnetters in your area.

susie100 · 28/01/2009 14:46

somuchtobits - for me personally just understanding what had lead to the situation helped me hugely. Understanding the phisiology of food addiction, tracing back childhood memories where food was a comfort and where the link was first established helped me becauase I needed to understand it.

Those books have very specific excercises to help you break the link and not all of them work for everyone. Visualisation also helped for me (imagining myself slim, happy and able to eat normally without binging).

I also make myself wait 20 mins before eating what I wanted to and 20 mins later I did not feel like it.

I found excercise helped me hugely just a mood lifter and it kept me busy (I tended to binge when I was bored and alone at home)

I also told my parents, boyfriend at the time and closest friends about my disorder. Getting it out in the open helped hugely and made it less of a dirty little secret. Many friends have since come to me and admitted they had the same problems.

Keeping busy and engaged (for me it was work, pre kids) was also key.

SoMuchToBits · 28/01/2009 14:51

Thanks, susie, it's great to hear about that. Have you ever had problems again since you first dealt with it, or did that sort it out permanently IYSWIM?

susie100 · 28/01/2009 15:01

Happy to say no I have not. Have definitely felt like I was 'slipping' but managed to catch it early and try and understand waht was triggering it and then allowing yourself to just feel it rather than trying to dull out whatever sensation with comfort eating.

The greatest benefit is that i can now enjoy food, eating out, can buy the occasional treat at the supermarket and eat 1 or 2 biscuits (not the whole pack) without it turning into a binge.

minouminou · 28/01/2009 15:41

Part of the worry about your HV/social services is caused by the general way you're feeling - you're not good enough, you're useless, a bad mother etc, and it isn't really real.
Your HV exists because people don't have the same support networks they used to, and bringing up a child when you're pretty much on your own isn't natural, which is one reason why PND etc happens so much.
Your HV is the first line of defence, as it were, against things getting too far downhill, and she's there to help, so make use of her - if she's halfway decent she can make a big difference to you.
Also - get OUT of that house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You need exercise, and so does your DS - you need endorphins - think of it as shifty anti-depressants that no-one needs to know about - AND....you won't put any weight on.
The nights are getting lighter now....spring is around the corner, and there's a big world out there for you to show your son.

SoMuchToBits · 28/01/2009 15:46

thanks, susie.

Minouminou, I think that's true, that it's harder to ask others for help when you already have no confidence - you feel you would be a nuisance etc (when you wouldn't really, it's just the way you feel).

randomname · 28/01/2009 16:25

know how you feel have 3 under 4, had PND with 2nd (probably with 1st if honest) and only just coming out of it (3rd is 17 weeks) you feel pointless, worthless and just want to hide away, I shouted and screamed and made my other halfs life hell. It does get easier going back to work pt helped i felt like me for a little bit. You could maybe get help with childcare from tax credits (have to do 16 hours +) but your self worth will soar. Talking to someone helped me, HV can be great, after having my 2nd she was crap came once and was so disinterested i didnt want to go when felt bad, went to gp who again showed no interest and just handed out the drugs, however after 3rd i hae had completly different experience HV is great non judging and een though I find asking for help so hard it does help. Surestart run their own nurserys in a lot of places worth looking at am in S west too and they do exist even here! chin up its baby steps but you will get there.

Original poster
justcannotcope · 28/01/2009 16:47

I haven't got around to getting out for a walk today after all but do feel better, and had a game chasing ds around.

It's been such a help and a 'lift' reading all your supportive comments and suggestions.
Thank you lovely MNers.

OP posts:
mankymummy · 28/01/2009 16:52

Well done you. You've made a start, that is the biggest thing.

SoMuchToBits · 28/01/2009 16:53

Yes, well done. Hopefully you can get out tomorrow.

FourArms · 28/01/2009 16:57

I'm in Plymouth if that's a bit closer to you? Always up for a walk along the Hoe or something.

FourArms · 28/01/2009 16:57

I'm in Plymouth if that's a bit closer to you? Always up for a walk along the Hoe or something.

Lizzylou · 28/01/2009 17:00

Glad to see that your day went well

flourybaps · 28/01/2009 17:05

Hi no time to read all the messages just wanted to give you one tip that worked for me. I had terrible pnd would literally not leave the house for a week, my partner gets home at 7pm also.

When he gets home he gets handed the baby and i go upstairs shower, wash hair and set out clothes for the next day, knicers, bra, socks, shoes, coat, handbag, literally everything lol and put them out them on a chair in the front room so i have to look at them all lying there the next day and it sort of forced me to get out, I just used to go for a walk everyday........... small steps.

Squirdle · 28/01/2009 18:06

I don't know if it's been suggested yet, but something which boosts my mood is to put on some loud music and dance around the lounge with my boys. Twas Abba last night It might sound daft, but it's fun, the children love it and it's exercise!!

You sound like you are doing so well already. You are taking on board what people on here are saying and that's such a good start. Keep talking and we will help

noonki · 28/01/2009 18:41

I have just read this thread and think that you have done amazingly well in such a short time.

I found when I have bouts of depression that the most important thing I can do is tell someone how I am feeling.

I often want to hurt myself and think about it for days, then tell someone (ususally DP who in his own man of few words well will tell me that he would be very upset if I did, then makes me an appointment with the GP) but usually by the time it goes to see the doctor the pressure has lifted thus is the power of talking!

So my long winded point is; it looks to me as if by talking on here has helped a bit, perhaps it would be a good idea to also talk it out loud (maybe just to the mirror at first - nothing wrong with a bit of mirror talking my reflection knows FAR more than anyone else!).

I am on ADs and they havent made me put on weight at all, maybe some don't I bet you can find out.

Hope tomorrow is even better than today

Original poster
justcannotcope · 28/01/2009 19:03

noonki, i have quite drastic mood swings. Sometimes I wonder if I might have manic depression?

It has definitely helped 'talking' though. I should 'talk' more. It only gets really bad when I pretend (to myself and others) that everythig is OK. This includes saying 'yes' when I want to say no. Lack of self esteem I think.

OP posts:
FairLadyRantALot · 28/01/2009 19:12

awww you poor thing justcannotcope....
I have not read the whole thread, just the first and last page, so, sorry if it's all been said!
But anyway, tonight have a nice relaxing bath if you can.
And maybe make a start on washing some clothes, etc...!
If you feel fat...is there a chance you could join a local slimming club, it might help and everyone is in the same boat. And, of course it hopefully will have the sideeffect of loosing weight and lifting your self esteem.

I think getting dressed and going out is the best thing you can do for yourself, tbh....but it can be hard to get into that routine if you are feeling low.

Anyway, hope things improve soon!

mrstimlovejoy · 28/01/2009 20:29

i've been in your shoes and it took ages to get help as i felt like a fraud for the way i was feeling.i really didn't have any reason for feeling as low as i did but i just felt so miserable.i found it hard to do the smallest things like getting dressed.i did choose to go on ad's and was off work for 4 months [i'm a mental health nurse].i also saw a counsellor through work.it's been 1 year since i came off ad's but i still have low moments.
you will get great support on here
take care xx

techpep · 28/01/2009 20:41

I understand what you mean about visits to your mum making you feel worse, my mum has borderline personality disorder and although i've never had depression, it does take me about 48hrs after visiting her to feel normal again. The weight thing is a vicious circle but i'm sure if you got yourself one nice outfit, nothing flash that you are never going to wear, just something for day time that includes a couple of accessories it will make you feel better about going out. That will be the start of the happy, slim you, the first step is always the most difficult but most rewarding. Good Luck.

noonki · 28/01/2009 21:06

Hi justcan't cope, I am not sure what the definition of Mnaic depression is,

I have been manic (was sectionned for several months years ago) and that was not possible to hide.

Depression be it manic or not is horrible and can be fairly easily sorted out with the right drugs and support.

I am very well now, at uni and a job and kids. TBH when it was just the kids I struggle if I have to stay at home all day with them and it definatly brings me down.

A break; be it a course, work, gym whatever is essential for me to stop me getting ill.

the first step is the hardest but I reakon you've already done that by coming on here

FairLadyRantALot · 28/01/2009 21:11

noonki, that is so true...if I am at home with the Kids with nowhere where I have to go too...I can easily get down and end up from 1 pj dayy to a weeks worth or more...which than brings me down...which than makes me want to hide more...
So, really having something to do for everyday, really can help!

kettlechip · 28/01/2009 21:24

hi justcannotcope, I'm down south west too (a long way down though!) and will happily help if I can.

Hopefully all these supportive posts will help you realise you aren't alone in feeling this way, I really don't believe anybody finds parenting easy, unless they are lucky enough to have a lot of help around them. My sister had severe PND and hid it from everyone around her apart from closest family. She looked to have it all, but was crumbling inside. The right AD's have transformed her. Please seek help, nobody at all will judge you for it, depression is an illness and nothing at all to be ashamed of.

TheLadyEvenstar · 28/01/2009 21:40

JCC I could have written this! ds2 is 16m old and often (not constantly) whinges, whines and squeals het het het.....and regardless of what I pass to him it continues. I have to get up everyday as I have ds1 (10yrs) to get to school. But although i have to do this when I get back my arse goes on the sofa and i don't move, unless i really need to. I also suffer from depression and feel everyone is looking at me in a bad way. I am also scared to talk to HV so I know where you are coming from.