i cannot fucking cope

[justcannotcope]

my toddler ds is constantly whining, not crying, kind of 'het het het' noise. It is driving me mad. I just cannot cope with him today. I am ashamed to say I scream at him to shut up sometimes.
I hate my life, sometimes I hate him, but I know I really love him if that makes sense. In my more rational moments I worry about how the shouting is affecting him.

I feel so fed up, all I seem do is stay at home in my tatty dressing gown and try to block out the noise. I cry, I shout, I eat too much.

I can't face toddler group, have not been this year. I have no decent clothes and I feel fat and totally gross. I have suffered from depression but thought I was better. Some days I feel ok but today is shit.

This is not a troll. I am just ashamed and need to let it all out. I don't know what to do to pick myself up.

Have googled surestart, is it an office you go and visit? Would they tell me of a childminder?

Surestart is like Homestart. They can offer support inc loaning you safety equiptment, toddler groups, financial help while you do college courses, free nursery places etc.

Google and it will tell you where your local one is.

can you do an online order of fresh fruit & veg & maybe a chicken? are you eating enough healthy stuff?

sorry, i know this is all a bit too much to deal with but i do feel better with a decent meal in me. can someone come round and cook it for you?

here

and to find your local centre

You don't need to physically go in - just phone the number of your local centre and they'll talk you through all the options.

this is a website to find a childminder hth

I would try ringing surestart and asking them questions or reading about it on the website.

I agree with everyone else and there is no shame in being depressed/ being on AD's and they will not take your ds off you. I had bad pnd, took an overdose when dd1 was little and I got ad's and a counsellor and I am now a childminder despite my records (though I did have to go and have an interview to check my mental state was good again) I worried it would go against me but they were really good and understood I was having a hard time and PND and was now better.

OK, it sounds like you are really unhappy with seeing HV/GP. Also sounds like you may well be depressed, and obviously are not happy with your body/weight.

If you really can't face seeing GP/HV at the moment, then here are some ideas to help with the depression.

1. Get some fresh air every day, even if it's just a walk to the shops for groceries.

2. Get some exercise, even just a walk, although gym/swimming etc would be even better.

3. Try to find some company - I'm sure there must be some group where the other mus etc won't judge you. Maybe something that also offers an activity for your ds (e.g.tumbletots, music group, swimming, etc) so he also gets something new to do.

4. Join a group (e.g. weightwatchers, slimming world) to help you with losing weight/eating healthily. It will give you much more support than doing it by yourself. And most other people there will be in a similar position to yourself - they won't judge you for being "fat" because they are all there for the same reason. If you really can'y face that, then how about trying weightwatchers online, where you still get support without having to meet others in RL, or there are lots of weight loss support threads on Mumsnet .

5. Try do something (however small) for youself each day, as well as for others.

Hope this helps. Some of these things are quite small, but can all add up.

Thank you for those ideas somuchtobits.

There is no point trying to diet when you are in the grip of an eating disorder it is like saying to an alchoholic just stop drinking.

For me recognition that I had a problem was a HUGE step in breaking the cycle. Everyone knows and understands anorexia and bulemia. Compulsive overeating is much less recognised.
I came across this website which I found very helpful www.something-fishy.org

I also read some books on compulsive overeating. That cylce you describe (well I have messed it up now so may as well binge further) is very recognisable. I had a complete eureka moment that what I had was a disorder I was not just 'greedy' or unable to stop because I was weak. The books are quite american which was a bit annoying but they had some very specific excercises to break the cycle. It really worked for me and I have not binged for 6 yrs 9I have overindulged obviously but it is a VERY different behaviour to eating in secret etc)

I went to one session of counselling but found it very unhelpful to be honest as it is not a condition that is particularly well known or understood (hence your ignorant GP)

My sense this is at the root of your self esteem issues. Keeping busy, going to work, getting soem frsh air are all very important. At the moment you are self medicating with food, it is working for you and you are finding it comforting. You need to change your source of comfort and entertainment.

That's ok

And don't worry if you can't deal with all those things at once. One thing at a time is fine, and each small thing you do will help you feel a bit better.

Oh, and keep posting on here, so all the kind MNetters can help you!

I can't remember which book it was, I bought two and they were very similar so I think any of the below would be a good start

www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_ss_w_h_?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=compulsive+o vereating

Justcantcope, everyone has given great advice which I won't bother repeating but one thing you need to do is find some support. If you post the (general) area you live in perhaps there is someone that can meet you at a local park with their children or go for a coffee with. Anyone that has / has had a toddler or suffered from depression will have some empathy for your situation. Please make that difficult decision to ask for some help. Think of it as being for your DS because if you get some support you'll feel better about yourself and you'll feel better about being his mother. Good luck.

If you don't want to go the GP for ADs, why not go about the boil or any other spots?

For most of my life I've always had a few spots all the time - not quite enough to have the really strong drugs, but always some. I never knew how much it had affected me until I got something different from the GP (a benzoyl peroxide gel but you can also get antibiotic lotions and all sorts of other stuff) that actually got rid of them and kept them away. I swear it changed my life, and that was at the age of 36. I hadn't realised till they went away how much I used to avoid looking straight at people because of my terrible skin - now it's so different. If you've never had something for spots and they bother you, get down there and ask for something - it's never too late.

20 months old is a difficult age. Every time you invest a bit of time in playing even a silly, pointless game you'll reap a reward though. Boredom won't help with all the whining.

You've done so well today having a shower and a walk. As an overweight binge eater myself, I recommend not buying some of the binge food in the first place. Many's the time I've found myself in the local shop here after dropping kids at school, wanting to pput a few biscuits, crisps/dips, chocolate and fizzy drinks into my trolley - but then if I do that by the end of the day I feel awful because it's been another day of bingeing. If I can just make myself walk out with a lot less junk or even none (just diet coke and a milky way, say) then I find I'm OK for the rest of the day. But once the junk is in the house I'll hoover it up with no willpower at all. So my tip is first try to make yourself not buy it (even though you'll have a voice going inside 'oh but the day will be grey and colourless without these treats' - fight that voice, it's lying to you!) then once you're home it will be 100% easier not to eat it.

These are all great ideas- I felt very depressed after dd1 was born, and my health visitor sorted out for her to go to a childrens centre 3 afternoons a week. It was nice to have some time off, and I made friends through it too, so there was someone to have a natter with the odd morning too over coffee if it was raining and she was crying a lot. It is easier to pass a couple of hours in company once you start to pick up a little bit. Surestart wasn't around then , but I'm sure they could offer some similar help. Fingers crossed this will all help-glad you have been able to tell someone: it's a good step towards things getting much much better.

susie100, that sounds really helpful - I didn't even know there was such a thing as compulsive eating disorder.

Obviously sorting out the root of the problem would be much better than just dieting, maybe losing weight, but then probably putting it all back on because the underlying cause was still there.

Sorry I know I am banging on now bu the other thing to remember is that this is a food addiction. You are not greedy aor weak you have an addiction and one that is much harder to break as you have to eat you cannot just cut it out completely.

Allfizzledout that is exactly what I did in the end - cut out the food that triggered binges. In my case it was bread - I would eat loaves with inches of butter and bowls of bowls of cereal. The book I read actually charts the chemicals changes in the brain during a binge and it releases endophins, calms you etc which is why I did it...it worked for me.

Susie, thanks so much for that. I had a look on Amazon and found a book called shrink yourself which sounds really good, it really struck a chord with me and I think I will order it. I do use food as a tranquillizer or a distraction from my life I think.

Somuchtobits - exactly I did not know either and then when I read about it I finaly clicked and that in itself helped me to stop.
I believe the root is always psychological.

As you can tell I am quite passionate about the subject as it is much misunderstood

justcannotcope I really hope it helps, good luck with it all, please let us know how you are getting on.

This is also good

Have you thought about getting an exercise dvd? Great for when you are stuck at home but abit of exercise lifts your mood and makes you less likely to eat crap.

I have a 2 year old and 3 month old so trips out can be quite an ordeal especially when the weather is bad. Have just started doing a dvd on alternate days and feel energised already and have cut out biscuits! You can do it when the toddler is having a nap or he can watch you. My toddler things mummy's "dancing" is very funny but it really does make you feel abit better. The Davina McCall one is good.

I think one of the worst things is that if you are suffering from compulsive eating, then being at home alone with a toddler will probably make the situation harder - i.e. if you were at work, with other people and really busy, you would have less time to think about eating, and not feel so down about things because you have company.

If you are at home with a fretful toddler, then that is stressful, and eating seems like the only "treat" you can give yourself. But then the more you eat, the more weight you gai, the less energy you have, and the less you feel like going out. And if you stay at home more, you just feel like eating more, so it's a viscious circle.

I was wondering if susie had any ideas (from your own experience) of how to go about breaking that viscious circle?

Hello justcannotcope..

Where in the country are you? I am in Woking and am a childminder, if you are local maybe I could help? I would even be happy to give you a couple of free sessions to get yourself started :-)

I have my own 15month old daughter as well as a 9 year old daughter. I am also overweight but have lost 8lb in the last 2 weeks by getting into the gym/eating better.

It is hard work with little people and I do know what it's like to be suffering from depression too (had PND with my eldest but luckily not no.2)

Anyway, if you do happen to be local and fancy a couple of hours to yourself or even a cuppa then let me know and I will post my eamil address for you.

Stya strong, you're doing well with the support you're getting, you should be proud of yourself for seeking help.

Lisa x

LisaD1, that is very kind of you, thank you, but i'm not in that area. But how kind you are, I really appreciate it, thank you.

Which area are you in justcannotcope? I'm sure one of us must live near you and would be happy to help.

You are all good people. Thank you.