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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

i cannot fucking cope

211 replies

justcannotcope · 28/01/2009 10:29

my toddler ds is constantly whining, not crying, kind of 'het het het' noise. It is driving me mad. I just cannot cope with him today. I am ashamed to say I scream at him to shut up sometimes.
I hate my life, sometimes I hate him, but I know I really love him if that makes sense. In my more rational moments I worry about how the shouting is affecting him.

I feel so fed up, all I seem do is stay at home in my tatty dressing gown and try to block out the noise. I cry, I shout, I eat too much.

I can't face toddler group, have not been this year. I have no decent clothes and I feel fat and totally gross. I have suffered from depression but thought I was better. Some days I feel ok but today is shit.

This is not a troll. I am just ashamed and need to let it all out. I don't know what to do to pick myself up.

OP posts:
cmotdibbler · 28/01/2009 12:19

Yes, a HV looks after you and your child till the child is 5. There is nothing to be afraid of in telling them that you are depressed and need some support, and certainly not that they would take DS away.

Your HV may be able to get you some help from someone like Homestart as well who are trained mums who will pop round to give you a bit of a break, help you get out etc

You've made positive steps already today, so keep going with them.

Original poster
justcannotcope · 28/01/2009 12:20

I have told HV on the past I felt fine (although it was a lie) as I vowed I would never have depression on my records now I am a mum in case they try to take him away from me. I know they fasley accuse people who have had depression - look at the McCann mother. I want to be better now I am a mum so they cannot say I am not good to look after him.

OP posts:
SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 28/01/2009 12:20

Yes you can still call on your HV. And it won't look bad on your notes.

RE the washer why can it only face that way? Can you not just but longer pipes and fit them yourself?

Get a covered cat litter tray and keep it somewhere else, oustide maybe if you have a catflap.

etchasketch · 28/01/2009 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jack99 · 28/01/2009 12:27

Yes can get help from health visitor any time up to school age I think. Anyway, ring up and ask for help - you need it and they will listen. Don't worry about negative things on your record - lots of people need help from time to time and that is what these people are being paid for. No-one wants to take your ds away from you, you are a good mum!

Do you have a number that you can ring now? If not, ring your GP surgery and they will be able to put you in touch.

I have been exactly where you are now with both my dcs. It gets better honestly!

Be nice to yourself, remember your ds loves you and you are a fantastic mum.

Lizzylou · 28/01/2009 12:30

Well done for having a shower, am glad it's helping to "chat" on MN.

Seriously, if you are anywhere near me (East Lancs) I'd love to pop round and help anyway I can. DS2 is almost 3,so could amuse your DS!

Speak with your HV, please don't feel like you've anything to be ashamed about. Looking after young children is bloody hard at the best of times, without suffering from depression.

Original poster
justcannotcope · 28/01/2009 12:31

What would HV do even if I called though? I don't want anti-depressants I don't feel able to face anyone.

I just want some peace and quiet. I want my ds not to exist for a while so I can go shopping and have time to have a look around and dream even if I can't afford to buy anything. impossible with ds whinging the moment i go in a shop. Difficult if he is with someone else as I coulkd not relax and would be on edge thinking I must get back they will be impatient and cross I have taken so long.

He wouldn't help with washing, he's not that 'advanced' (not sure if that is correct term). He would just throw it everywere then grab my finger and drag me along the hall to play with him. But I don't know what he wants to do, I can't work him out.

If I sit him on my lap he wriggles down. If I read to him he turns the pages over too fast and the thick card pages trap and hurt my fingers, pathetic I know but there you go, so I give up. I coulkd go for a walk but not in a shop as he always kicks up if I do.

OP posts:
Poppycake · 28/01/2009 12:34

So many women have depression I really wouldn't worry about it being on your notes - you'd be one of a huge gang (if they tried to put every child into care whose mother got depressed we'd have a care home on every street). You're not alone or unusual at all.

You've done a string of good things already, getting the shower and dressed. Give yourself a good pat on the back for that. Don't know where you are - up here it's sunny so defo a good plan to get outside. Fresh air and light exercise can do a power of good that drugs can't. If he falls asleep in the buggy, try and whizz round as much as you can when you get home - it's amzing what can be done in 20 minutes if you know you're on a time limit. Do you have a laundromat nearby to get rid of the pile of washing so at least you can start at zero at home? A service wash is a not particularly expensive luxury, and their one load is double what you can do in a load at home.

Also you need a good friend. Not easy, I know, but it's worth persevering with the toddler groups, neighbours etc, because you never know where it's going to come from.

DDraigoch33 · 28/01/2009 12:34

Go for a little walk,get some fresh air.
Sounds like you could both do with some.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 28/01/2009 12:35

A Hv could arrange a mothers help for a weeks if you are struggling and could give you details of support groups and homestart funds etc.

Are you in rented? If you are see your landlord about moving the washer its quite cheap to do, we have just moved ours from the kitchen to the space between the kitchen and the bathroom and it only cost us about £30

I'd reccomend going for that walk. Fresh air will do you good.

Original poster
justcannotcope · 28/01/2009 12:37

They look funny at me at the toddler group, all fancy handbags and I am fat and ugly.
At he moment I have a huge swollen painful boil on my neck which is making my hideous double chin even worse.

OP posts:
GivePeasAChance · 28/01/2009 12:39

Maybe they think you look sad. Because you are. IME most people in this land are nice and kind. See what has happened to you on here today. GO !

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 28/01/2009 12:40

So let them look at you funny then. If they have time to look at you and what you are wearing they must have very boring lives.

I have a double chin and spots. I just don't watch for other people looking at me.

But some sudocreme on the boil. It will go down soon enough.

Original poster
justcannotcope · 28/01/2009 12:40

I think I will wrap up and go for a walk, your shower suggestion helped so hopefully the walk will too. Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 28/01/2009 12:43

If I get boils I bathe em with cotton wool doused in boiling water.
I bet no one looks at you in that way, I know I wouldn't. I am hardly an oil painting, believe you me, but I do find that having a wash, brushing my hair and just making the smallest effort with myself makes me feel better.
Hope you enjoy your walk

Mspontipine · 28/01/2009 12:48

A good HV will be on your side. If you get on well with her and feel you can talk to her then get her round. If not then find someone else. Have you ever had councelling? GP may have to refer you - HV can maybe help you emphasise how urgently you need it.

You need help to find your strength to take a step back and put yourself back on your own track. Only you can do this but it will be so much easier with help from a caring professional. I too have been where you are. I still struggle now, take ADs and see a councellor. All these have helped me be a bit more "normal". I have screamed and broken down in front of ds and absolutely sobbed my heart out.

These days I am mostly there. I look back on those black black days and do what I can to keep my head above the waves.

I find planning helps a lot - I try to make a bit of a schedule for the week. Even if I don't achieve all of it it feels wonderful to cross things off that you've done. Promise your ds you will do something the next day - toddler group etc. Gives you something to get ready for and harder to back out if you've said that you'll do it.

As for your appearance - you are giving yourself a hard time because of how crap you're feeling. You'll feel prettier once you start perking up a bit.

This will pass xxxxxxxxxxxx

Helen31 · 28/01/2009 12:49

Well done on having a shower and getting dressed.

I wanted to agree with what Poppycake has said - if they tried to put all the kids of mums who get depressed into care, there'd be nowhere to fit them all. The important thing is that you get the help you need. And despite the scare stories we read, the law is totally set up around the idea that the best place for your ds to be is with you and your dp - and that's for a very good reason. Remember too that children are incredibly resilient, and love you to pieces, even though your behaviour may not always be what you would like.

There are lots of other things that help with depression other than anti-depressants. I was terrified of taking drugs, and found that for me talking therapy combined with an exercise class every week, getting some advice from a dietician to improve my diet and the occasional treat (for me, a massage every so often, but could be anything that you enjoy so long as it's just about you - it's a cliche, but you really are worth it), has made a huge difference.

It's scary and hard asking for help, and I know the hardest thing for me was admitting I needed it.

Do you think you could give the health visitor a call as a start?

Wishing you loads of luck.

Original poster
justcannotcope · 28/01/2009 12:56

OK, I really do appreciate your help but I am not going to call a HV. I find it impossible to believe that these people won't look at me in a sinister way, and if that makes me mad and irrational then that's what I am.

I am going to try and deal with this myself.

The gym was a good idea, I used to like using the weights and have arm muscles the size of marrows due to lifting/ carrying ds everywhere. The idea of not being able to defend myself scares me and I would like to develop my strength. I can see if they have a creche, but 20mo probably too young to use it?

OP posts:
Gateau · 28/01/2009 13:01

"No-one cares about your clothes/fat arse (we've all got one)"

Like it.
And it's true.

Lizzylou · 28/01/2009 13:02

The leisure centre I used to go to had a creche that would take babies from 6weeks, it was really good (and very cheap).
Exercise really makes you feel better about yourself (says she sat on her expanding ass).

SoMuchToBits · 28/01/2009 13:07

Also,is it possible your dp could take over a bit more on the days he's not working (I know you said he does long hours) to give you a bit of a break without your ds?

I don't know how your finances are, but if you can afford it I would also recommend finding someone to look after ds just for a morning/afternoon on a regular basis. I did this (found a childminder for one morning a week) when ds was 18 months, and it really helped. I just had a morning where I could do something for myself without interruptions. You could use the time to go to the gym, go shopping, or just have a relaxing bath.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 28/01/2009 13:08

My leisure center also took babies from 6 weeks but only for one hour a time After 12 months they would keep them for two hours.

20 months you will have no problems. Why not give them a ring now? Before you go on your walk.

Original poster
justcannotcope · 28/01/2009 13:10

Somuchtobits - how much does one morning or afternoon or childminding cost?

OP posts:
silentlywondering · 28/01/2009 13:13

I have had sever PND after both of my children and can understand fully where you are coming from. The hardest step for me was admitting there was a problem and asking the right people for help. I too was worried as I have suffered depression on and off for years. The GP, Homestart and Surestart were an absolute life line for me I was resistant to going back on ad's but eventually gave in and haven't looked back since. Please try to have a chat with your gp about how you are feeling.

I find I feel better if I can get out of the house and have other people around me so I force myself to get up and get ready. ONce we have dropped dd at school we stay out nd about at toddler groups etc that way we can't mess the house up any more and by the time we all get home I have company and can face doing some of the housework iyswim.

If you make a list don't cross stuff out when you have done it write victory next to instead and at the end of the day count your victories it is so much more satisfying.

Have you tried teaching ds to sign? We used makaton like on something special with ds from about 6 months and he had less tantrums than dd because we gave him a communication system iyswim.

susie100 · 28/01/2009 13:13

How supportive is your dp? What do you do together in the evenings? Does he know how you feel about your body?