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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

i cannot fucking cope

211 replies

justcannotcope · 28/01/2009 10:29

my toddler ds is constantly whining, not crying, kind of 'het het het' noise. It is driving me mad. I just cannot cope with him today. I am ashamed to say I scream at him to shut up sometimes.
I hate my life, sometimes I hate him, but I know I really love him if that makes sense. In my more rational moments I worry about how the shouting is affecting him.

I feel so fed up, all I seem do is stay at home in my tatty dressing gown and try to block out the noise. I cry, I shout, I eat too much.

I can't face toddler group, have not been this year. I have no decent clothes and I feel fat and totally gross. I have suffered from depression but thought I was better. Some days I feel ok but today is shit.

This is not a troll. I am just ashamed and need to let it all out. I don't know what to do to pick myself up.

OP posts:
SoMuchToBits · 28/01/2009 13:14

Well, I haven't needed it for the last three and a half years (ds now at school), but then I paid £3 an hour (which I think was about average round here). Don't know how much it will have gone up by since then. I took ds for 3 hours a week.

I did feel a bit guilty at first, as I wasn't using it so I could work, but really the benefit was fantastic. I'm sure that having that time to myself to look forward to every week made me a much better and happier mum.

silentlywondering · 28/01/2009 13:15

I know that in some areas if the hv is aware of you struggling they can refer you to surestart who can apply for funding for a nursery or family support childminder place for 15 hours a week

Helen31 · 28/01/2009 13:16

Gym sounds like a good idea, especially as you've enjoyed it in the past. Why not give your local one a ring and ask about their creche?

And for what it's worth, no you don't sound mad and irrational, and anyway (whispers) I've found that the mad people I know are the ones I like best...

Original poster
justcannotcope · 28/01/2009 13:18

Dp tries to be supportive but not much practical help. He is tired when he gets in, we don't do anything, well he watches tv. I have not pointed out to him how I feel about my body, I don't want to draw attention to it.

OP posts:
SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 28/01/2009 13:21

What time is your loacl pool open untill?

Mine does an adults only session 9pm untill 10pm. Whcih is enough time for me t do tea and get the kids to bed. Then I go swimming and DH goes on the net.

Swimming is good for depression and great for toning up. Plus a bit of time out of the house on your own is what you need.

And soory but am going to give you a virtual kick and tell you get on the phone to your gym and ask about their creche and then get your coat on and go for that walk.

We will all be waiting here to see how you got on

Squirdle · 28/01/2009 13:23

You are doing brilliantly already by having a shower and going for a walk

I remember having days like you when DS1 was small..many years ago! When you have ayoung child, there is not always a reason to go out and you get stuck in the house. It becomes very isolating.

I found that just going to the park, for a walk etc really helped...at least we got out every day.

I don't have the smae problem now as I have 3 boys who need to go to nursery/school etc, so I don't have enough hours in the day, but I do have days where I just don't want to do the housework/washing etc again. Just the sight of it can make me depressed! But I always find if I can shake out of it and get on with it, it always makes me feel soooo much better if it's done!

Another thing is that maybe your little one is driving you mad because he is bored.

You could try finding some different things for him to do ie if it is dry, chalk on the patio...a big roll of paper spread out to draw on... making a den out of sheets etc. When it something they don't normally do they end up playing for hours!

Also find your nearest sure start centre. They are brilliant. And very cheap. And you will meet mums in the same situation as you, who are feeling much the same. Having a friend round for coffee or just to go to the park will really boost your mood.

I hope you feel better soon.

Squirdle · 28/01/2009 13:25

Oh yes and a very good thing to do is make some time for yourself!!!

sorrento · 28/01/2009 13:25

I felt like you when expecting DD2 and DD1 was 15 months.
Plan to do something every morning then you have to get the pair of you up and dressed.
I found if i'd paid for swimming, tumble tots whatever in advance then I was more likely to go.

susie100 · 28/01/2009 13:25

It will probably be obvious to him that you an unhappy. I completely know where you are coming from, I used to have an eating disorder and was about 3 stone heavier than I am now. I felt revolting and fat (and had terrible acne) and quite frankly it overshaodwed everything in my life. Is your body image a large part of the way you are feeling? Your language is very recognisable to me - disgust with your own body and a feeling of not being able to cope.

I think that is what you need to tackle and even after 2/3 days of eating healthily and getting out and about you will feel diffrenetly. Do you binge eat?

girlandboy · 28/01/2009 13:26

I know it's been mentioned earlier in the thread, but it may be worth looking at Homestart. They have their own website and here is a link to a good page here

Oh, and well done for showering a putting a bit of makeup on.

And if you have a boil on your neck, then that could be making you feel worse as well. There's nasty bacteria lurking in them, which is bound to make you feel low.

Squirdle · 28/01/2009 13:27

I am on AD's and would certianly be very surprised if the HV tried to take my children away from me because of that!!

Your HV will help you get back on track. She won't judge you, she will have seen many mums like you before. Use her, it's what she is there for!

sorrento · 28/01/2009 13:30

OP they are more likely to question your parenting if you don't ask for help or accept it when offered, that would be seen as putting your pride before the child's need to be parented.
If you don't like your HV and there are some shockers around go and see your GP.

thatsnotmymonster · 28/01/2009 13:32

where in the country are you?

Well done for having shower and even more so for planning to get out of the house. EDven if you just go out for 10-15mins it's a start!

I empathise about the washing machine- that would do my head in and put me off too!! Can you set a small target like someone else mentioned i.e. one wash every 2 days. Or explain to your dp- if you put a load in during the day maybe he would unload it for you in the evening and then you could sort it out (or he could???).

Also about the mums from the toddler groups. Some of them may be nasty but it is unlikely.
They may look at you (but not in a sinister way) but I think that if you spoke to them and were honest about how hard you were finding things I think they are more likely to try to help you. I know at my local M&T group at my church if you spoke to the lady who runs it they would definitely help and support you.

Hope you enjoy getting out of the house for a wee bit

Original poster
justcannotcope · 28/01/2009 13:33

Susie, yes I do binge eat, every day I promise myself I will diet then stuff my face and think oh well, I may as well continue now, so stuff myself some more, and hate myself. How did you manage to break out of the cycle of disgust?

I have even self harmed in the past to punish myself for being so fat and useless (but have not done that for years). I don't know if I have an eating disorder, I once mentioned it to my GP when I was on anti depressants and she just laughed and said, no you're not anorexic. Which was actually very hurtful.

I feel so sorry for my ds, he must be bored. He has fallen asleep now so I will go for a walk later when he wakes up.

OP posts:
Original poster
justcannotcope · 28/01/2009 13:35

Sorrento it is not pride, I just feel too down to see or face anyone else.

OP posts:
sorrento · 28/01/2009 13:41

If your child is falling asleep because he's bored that is not good for his development, I'm sorry if you can't face anyone but if you were bleeding or throwing up you'd get medical help right ? This is an illness too and it's not just affecting you. I don't believe in pushing pills down people but if somebody could arrange a nursery place or some other practical help then both of your lives would improve.

zazen · 28/01/2009 13:42

I am so proud of you!

We have all been there believe me.

ADs come in all shapes and sizes now. My GP prescribed the herbal remedy St John's wort for mild depression for me and it lifted me a bit so that I could get some perspective on my life. It had no effect on my weight, but gave me more energy to go out and join a gym
HV are more likely to interfere in a sinsiter way if you are reported for shouting TBH. I think you might need to change your mind about doing things alone - it's unheard of in history isn't it? I mean there was a village to raise a child then wasn't there?
Your HV may only put you in touch with a mum nearby, and be delighted to do so. I think you're just being paranoid, and anxious - which as we all know is a symptom of depression!

Going back to work and stepping out of the unrelenting and, let's face it, pretty thankless cycle of toddler care might be a very good idea.

Shouting isn't good for you or him. I sang a lot when I had a newborn! Put some music on like Abba and have a singalong boogie: your little boy will love it also

We are all rooting for you! We love you!

kidcreoleandthecoconuts · 28/01/2009 13:43

You really need to speak to your DP about how you feel. He probably doesnt realise how bad you're feeling. Maybe then he could try and take a bit of the pressure off you. On his days off he could take your DS out for the day so that you can relax and have some time to yourself.
Why dont you call your HV and try to arrange a home visit? I'm sure she'll be able to help you and you'll probably feel better discussing it too.

happybeingme · 28/01/2009 13:45

Hello, sorry you are feeling this way.

Do you think that you may be depressed again? Prehaps you should visit your GP to see if you can get some AD's.

Depression aside, being at home with a toddler is tough for anyome, they do wine and it can be very taxing!

Right I would: make sure you get dressed everyday, get out of the house even if it is just a walk (it really will do you both good) and try and make some toddler groups. Is there anyone who can give you a (much needed and deserved) break for half a day one day a week or or you in the position to use paid childcare.

I find a break does me the world of good and makes life so much better, easier!

Good luck.

Winebeforepearls · 28/01/2009 13:46

at your GP's reaction - text book case of what not to say!

I know you're probably not feeling up to it at the moment, but when you are is there another doctor you can see at the practice? You may well benefit from a different type of AD and definitely from a doctor clued-up and sympathetic enough to talk through eating disorders.

Original poster
justcannotcope · 28/01/2009 13:47

For some reason the thought of having a HV visit me fills me with horror. I'm sorry but I just can't do it in my present state of mind. I may as well be honest with you. Yes I probably am paranoid. Hopefully that will pass.

OP posts:
SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 28/01/2009 13:48

Sorrento her child is falling asleep because he is 20 months old and it is now nearly 2pm and he has not had a nap yet.

Don't bother feeloing bad, just make a promise to yourself that you will try and change things.

Aim to one more thing each day.

i.e. today you have showered and got dressed and are planning a walk tomorrow do the same but play a game with ds for 20 mins as well. My 18 month old loves me chasing her around singing "I'm coming for you"

happybeingme · 28/01/2009 13:48

Someone might have said this already, but have you contacted surestart they may be bale to offer you some support.

Original poster
justcannotcope · 28/01/2009 13:49

I don't know where or what surestart is, is this something new?

OP posts:
happybeingme · 28/01/2009 13:52

I have'nt got any contact details - sorry. Why don't you try googling it or I am sure someone will be along soon with details.

BasicallY (I think) a volunteer comes to visit you weekly and helps you by doing some childcare or just someone to talk to.