i cannot fucking cope

[justcannotcope]

my toddler ds is constantly whining, not crying, kind of 'het het het' noise. It is driving me mad. I just cannot cope with him today. I am ashamed to say I scream at him to shut up sometimes.
I hate my life, sometimes I hate him, but I know I really love him if that makes sense. In my more rational moments I worry about how the shouting is affecting him.

I feel so fed up, all I seem do is stay at home in my tatty dressing gown and try to block out the noise. I cry, I shout, I eat too much.

I can't face toddler group, have not been this year. I have no decent clothes and I feel fat and totally gross. I have suffered from depression but thought I was better. Some days I feel ok but today is shit.

This is not a troll. I am just ashamed and need to let it all out. I don't know what to do to pick myself up.

I really agree with Vinegar's list idea and we can be your cheerleading crew to make sure you do at least one thing from the list. Go have that shower now, pop ds in the cot with some toys/books. Have a shower and get dressed and come back to tell us that you did it.

How old is ds?

ds is 20 months. Ok off to have a shower.

It's about being in control of things. Shouting is an out of control moment, as is not being up and about etc. When I've got my washing on I feel much better as I've crossed of this job from my list. I feel more in control & therefore better iyswim.

Got to go now justcannotcope xxx Lots of mumsnetters are thinking of you. Well done for posting.

yay. come back when you're done and we'll work out what's next today.

Everytime you feel like shouting/screaming try singing instead

Sing at the top of your voice 'oh what a beautiful morning' (i know its not but)

By doing this you are releasing your anger/frustration but its not at scary as shouting

Its waht i do when i am angry

I sound like a loon dont i?

Love the singing idea, VT - I might have to adopt that one myself. I have been known to say in a loud singsong voice "you are driving me nuts" and hope that tone of voice means she doesn't pick up on the actual content of what I'm saying to her....

JCC - okay, shower is a great first step well done.

DD1 is nearly 2 and I know what the shouting/whining can be like, believe me. One thing at a time, but we will think of things for ds to do too. He just needs a Toddlersnet to get his frustration out on and to get some support from other shouty toddlers but he doesn't have that so he might need something else in the meantime (I'm thinking along hte lines of CBeebies which works wonders when mummy is losing her patience in this house).

No, VinegarTits, that sounds like a great idea - I must try it next time I'm stressed!

justcannotcope, I do agree with everyone else about having shower/getting dressed/ putting washin on, and getting out for some fresh air (even if it's somewhere where you don't have to meet other people). And then make a list of the most important things to do, and tick them off. Toddlers are hard at that age, aren't they? Ds got a lot better once he could talk more, if that's any consolation.

Please see your G.P as depression is a recurring thing.

justcannotcope - just think of this - all across the country, in offices and front rooms and back bedrooms and on laptops on knees, lots of women you have never met are thinking about you, caring about you and willing you to do it.

Because so many of us have been where you are right now and have used the support of others to help us get our lives back.

Go, girl - you really can do it.

Lovely post Lightshines, and so true

I have never been depressed but anyone who's ever had a toddler knows where you're coming from. I have a very whingy 2.5yo dd and a 9mo and a 3.8yo. On the days that ds has nursery and I HAVE to get up, showered dressed and out of the house, I feel MUCH better and end up having a much better day.

I feel terrible hanging around in my dressing gown till lunchtime.

No matter how terrible you feel you look, I can guarantee that it will not seem as bad as that to other people. If you are out with your ds- dress him in a cute outfit and make sure he is clean and washed and all the attention will be on him anyway!

It is cold so if you are worried about spots wear a hat and scarf and people will not see anyway.

Have you got any make up? Just have a shower and do your face and you will feel better.

Sometimes I scream at my lo's and I feel terrible. However, at least you realise it is bad and want to change- he is probably just bored and fed up with being indoors so much.

Do you know anywhwere locally that has supervised softplay or creche? Some places they have to be 2 but it could be a godsend if ypu just need an hour or 2 to yourself.

It will get easier my love. Do you have a nice health visitor? Could you ask her to come visit you?

I think the tricky thing is, when you're depressed, that "just" getting in the shower and putting a load of washing on feels as hard as climbing Everest. Those who've been through it will know what I mean. The number of steps there are in having a shower:

a. psyching yourself up to get off the sofa (might take an hour or so)
b. deciding what to do with the baby (another ten paralysing minutes)
c. sorting the baby out
d. finding a clean towel
e. finding clean clothes including underwear
f. turning shower on
g. washing hair
h. clean rest of you
i. psyching yourself up to get out of the shower (have probably been crying in the shower)
j. turning shower off
k. getting out
l. getting dry
m. getting dressed
n. sorting hair
o. sorting baby

When I was ill it could take me all morning to do this, and it felt like I'd run a marathon afterwards. I just had to convince myself that tiny little steps were ok, be a bit forgiving to myelf (when my head was telling me I was useless and worthless and pathetic).

Getting off the sofa and getting dressed might be all you can do today. Even if you don't go out for a walk - could you get you and LO dressed enough to go and stand out in the garden for a bit? Point to trees, let the wind blow on your face? At the very least it's a change of scene for you and your DC.

Big hugs.

Everyone has given good ideas, advice. Just wanted to say that i'm thinking of you and hope that today is the beginning of life getting easier to cope with. Please try to forget about how you've been with your dc, just start afresh now. I know about getting out of depressive pits,I've been in a few myself, it will and can get better.

Think of a bit of fresh air as like a tiny antidepressant that you don't need to go to the GP for. Also any positive activity rather than surfing - playing with toddler for a few minutes, having a shower, even putting the washing machine on, standing up and doing a few stretches. They are all like tiny antidepressants that will help a bit as they add up over the days, even if you don't enjoy every single one while you 'take' it. (It might not be enough to fix proper depression but even for proper depression they'll help a bit.)

Good luck and we are cheering you on!

I feel so sad for you but am glad you've had such constructive responses to your post. I agree with pretty much everything that's already been said.

When my ds is doing my head in (or indeed before to pre empt it), I sling him in the car and we go to soft play or the park if it's nice. He has so much energy he just gets cranky if we're stuck in the house. There ain't much hurling himself around a brightly coloured padded cell can't cure and the coffee is half decent to boot.

With the shouting I have managed to stop by reminding myself that it doesn't work. If I told ds to stop whinging he wouldn't. By getting worked up I send him into a real negative spiral and we just go into deadlock.

Always remember - you won't get a different result by repeating the same behaviour.

Hence the getting out - you need to break the pattern. It's tough but not impossible.

Good luck x

ps I wasn't depressed when I had a 20 month old Ds, but he's four now and I still maintain that the age between 18 and 24 months was by far the hardest time for me. Harder than newborn, or a two year old or a stroppy preschooler. I hated it, and am dreading this time with DS2.

I have, very recently, been exactly where you are.

my dds were driving me nuts, lots of shouting on both sides, tempers and emotions escalating, etc.

I dreaded even getting uip in the morning, and lay in bed delaying it for ages.

I used a combination of all the advice already given.

Singing instead of shouting really works. Sing anyhting (even what you would have shouted) to any tune to feel like - it makes such a difference.

Pretending there is someone else in the room sometimes help you not to react in a shouty way. Eg, I wouldn't scream like a fishwife in front of my mil, or my neighbour, so would act as thought they were in the room - it stopped me shouting a few times.

Actually confronting the source of annoyance (the whining toddler) can work too - get down and play for even 5 mins, and peace may be restored. Just one smile form either of my dds can make my day, and help me realise they are not the enemy. they are not here to make my life difficult (even though they do sometimes!) and they would rather not be whining/shouting either (mostly -dd2 can be quite a grumpy little thing at times)

I have, over a few weeks, set myself tiny goals which I have slowly built up.

So getting everyone dressed was the first.

Next, I made sure that each night I read the dds a story at bedtime.

Next I made sure I did a load of washing every 2 days, then every day (still have not cleared backlog )

Tiny, tiny little steps, but life has been a bit easier because of them.

It really is a case of manageing the small stuff - everyhting comes, slowly but surely.

I hope today is a little easier for you.

Both of my dds have had me in that mind frame this week.

DD1 seems to enjoy upsetting me and making me cross by doing the exact opposite of what I ask her to do. Demonstrated yesterday by refusing to dance yet refusing to come home when I asked her to I left her in the end and her dance teacher said as soon as I left her mood changed instantly

DD2 does the huh huh huh noise you mention with grabbing hands but just keeps doing it when I pass her anything.

Fortunately for me I have to get up to get dd1 to school. But its not always in clean clothes, though I feel better when it is. I also feel better and more in control when I do bit of cleaning. I give dd2 a bowl of soapy water and she soaks the carpets washes the doors for me. And I get on with putting away the toys hoovering etc. Your mood changes in line with changes in the house and you feel like you have accomplished something. It's a chore to begin with when you have got in the midset where even getting out of bed is a mamouth task, but day after it gets easier and it makes a difference.

Eating more healthily also lifts my moods when I am getting down.

I agree with the singing loudly when you feel like you need to shout. I do that too.

Also don't expect to wake up each morning feeling better, you won't. Each day will still feel like a chore. But the more you force yourself to get up and do these things the better you will start to feel throughout the day and then slowly you will feel able to cope again.

DS cried all the time when he was a tiny baby. In the end I would just grin like a loon, chatter away to him and carry on with what needed to be done, because he was crying regardless. He cried if I played with him, he cried if I held him, he cried if I ignored him. So in the end I decided to do some housework, pop him in his baby bouncer or playpen and just get on with it, checking on him every five minutes or so.

Poor you. I am sure a lot of us have shouted at our children. I did at times and I'm now in year 24 as a mother and feel much calmer and it's easier but the youngest are 10 now so it's dead easy. No one knows how difficult things can be for someone else but you do need to try not to shout too much at him. What I've learned ove rthe years is how much the children mirror your mood.

Try to laugh or smile more although that probably sounds impossible as things stand for you. I wont' make my usual mumsnet suggestion ghat for many of us going back to full time work is a wonderful solution although I believe it is for plenty of women..... If that's not possbile then do all the good advice things on the thread.

I agree with the comment above too about giving the child attention even if just briefly and then going back to what you're doing. I have tried over the years to advise my sister on this stuff (and she was apparently so bad her neighbour was going to report her - for shouting and swearing at hers).

Tihngs that help mood include fresh air, sun shine, eating 3 regular meals a day with plenty of protein, brown bread, brown rice, veg. Routines. Doing one thing you really like each day.

How did your shower go Justcannotcope?

Thanks so much for all the suggestions and help. I have had a shower and covered my face in concealer and feel slightly better. I would not have done this, but I did it cos I didn't want to let you all down when you have been so caring, so thank you again.

RachePache - you are spot on with your list of steps, everything feels like that at the moment.

Putting the washing on is compounded by the problem that the kitchen is so badly laid out I cannot stand in front of the machine, but sideways (it faces sideways onto a corner (the door won't even open fully, very awkward) and I cannot see into or out of it. So I put off doing the washing for ages. We have no money to get it sorted out by a plumber. I scream and swear at the macnine too. Especially when all the clean washing falls into the cat tray and if I move the tray out of the way (behind me) I always step on it and cat litter goes everywhere. Cue more screaming. Fucking cat. Fucking kitchen. Fucking mess. Fucking nightmare. (Sorry, it helps to say it.)

Xenia, I think you are right that
work would help. I hate being at home all the time, it really gets me down as there is no reason to get up and dressed and the depression gets worse as I get in a downward spiral. I don't feel well enough for work at the moment but think it would help when I am better.

Can you still call on a health visitor when dc is 20 months then?

I am worried about getting anything negative 'on my records' as if ds has an accident they will point the finger and say I did it and take him away from me.

Glad you feel a bit better You can call on your health visitor anytime!

Yes, you can absolutly call HV, definitely.

I wouldn't worry baout this going on your medical records, so many people suffer with depression/anxiety, it is nothing to be ashamed of.