Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fatter than I used to be?

199 replies

frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 10:15

Dh told me last night that he would like it if I lost a bit of weight in the New Year.
Before dd I was a size 8/10, and now I am a 12.

He has said this before, a few years ago he told me I was getting too big (again when I had gone up to a size 12), and it led to all sorts of problems. I very stupidly began to starve myself, and that went on for around 9 months, until I was back to a size 8.

Now I am back to a size 12, and although I would like to be skinny again, I feel that I would rather be free to eat what I please and be a bit bigger.I do a dance class every week and am quite active.

I feel terrible this morning, and I can't bring myself to eat breakfast as I feel fat and disgusting.

So am I being over sensitive? Or is he bu?
I must stress he was not being nasty about it, it was very much an "I love you but..." conversation.

OP posts:
hertsnessex · 19/12/2008 10:17

He is being V V V V V V V V V unreasonable.

A sze 12 is far from Fat, jesus, i look back on my size 12 days in a hazy long ago mist!!!

does he look like something out of a calvin klein advert?.....if not tell him to go sort himself out!

mustsleep · 19/12/2008 10:17

his is bu

it should be up to you whether or not you want to lose weight and a size 12 is defo not over weight

i was a size 6 before i had dd and have gone up to a size 12 and when i look at old photos i do look better now esp in the face (although i could do to get rid of my muffin top lol )

if he suggests it again tell him he could do to grow a nicer personality

4CALLINGBIRDSandnotout · 19/12/2008 10:19

Oh how charming!
I'd tell him to piss off personally!

Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 10:21

He did say that he knows I am not fat, he just prefers it when I am slimmer.

He also said how fantastic I looked when I starved myself

Although he did say he does not want me to do that again, he wants me to start going to the gym with him after Christmas ( I don't like the gym)

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 19/12/2008 10:22

I think a conversation that goes along the lines of "I love you but"... is quite controlling.

You say: "I feel that I would rather be free to eat what I please and be a bit bigger.I do a dance class every week and am quite active".

You're happy, you're healthy.

You need to have the self confidence to believe that that is fine.

I'd be suggesting that he go right ahead and turn himself into your idea of a perfect specimen first.

If he knows that you starved yourself last time in order to lose weight, and he is suggesting you repeat that process, I think that is a rather worrying dynamic, tbh.

mindalina · 19/12/2008 10:24

Have some breakfast. You are not fat and disgusting. Your DH, I'm afraid, is being a twat. I am also a 12 after being 8/10 pre-children. Shit happens. I actually think I look quite nice these days, with a bit of flesh on me, although I will freely admit it has taken a while to get used to it. I'm sure you look lovely as well, and tbh if your DP needs you to be skinny to find you attractive then he has some issues which need dealing with, and they are NOT your problem.

I honestly am really quite peeved on your behalf that you've been told to lose weight when actually you are probably reasonably slim anyway. If my DP told me I needed to lose weight he'd get a smack round the mouth and his bags packed, tbh.

Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 10:24

Humphrey, he did stress he does not want me to starve myself again, as I said, he wants me to eat the same but go to the gym with him.

OP posts:
ComeOVeneer · 19/12/2008 10:24

OMG dh would not know what hit him if he said that to be. It is a really cruel and hurtful thing to say. Do not starve yourself just for him!

mindalina · 19/12/2008 10:25

OK

"He also said how fantastic I looked when I starved myself"

Your DH is sick in the head. Sorry, but he is. There's nothing attractive about anorexia. Suggest he sees a counsellor to sort out his issues - DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO THIS - you are fine as you are.

ComeOVeneer · 19/12/2008 10:25

me

MorningTownRide · 19/12/2008 10:27

Are you happy being a 12?

If so, tell him to go screw himself.

After two children my body will never be the same shape.

Never diet for anyone but yourself.

In fact don't diet.

Eat sensibly and excercise.

Good luck

MorningTownRide · 19/12/2008 10:27

Are you happy being a 12?

If so, tell him to go screw himself.

After two children my body will never be the same shape.

Never diet for anyone but yourself.

In fact don't diet.

Eat sensibly and excercise.

Good luck

Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 10:27

He does not want me to starve myself, he wants me to go to the gym

OP posts:
thebrain · 19/12/2008 10:28

FGS I dream of being a 12! I can't believe he liked the way you looked when you starved yourself. That's just warped! See now when my DH says I need to lose weight I have to concede he has a point. I could do with losing 4 stone to get to a healthy weight. I still tell him to F off though.

FanjoForTheYuletideMammaries · 19/12/2008 10:28

well HE should go to an attitude adjustment class IMO!

MorningTownRide · 19/12/2008 10:28
Hmm
PortlySackSantaInAdvent · 19/12/2008 10:29

(with size 16 bottom )

Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 10:29

I would be happier being a size 10 again, tbh, but I enjoy my food and have no inclination to go the gym.

OP posts:
MorningTownRide · 19/12/2008 10:31

Why are you sticking up for him frankbestfriend?

mindalina · 19/12/2008 10:31

If you genuinely think you'd be happier thinner, then make an effort and lose some weight. But do it for you, not him.

Otherwise, tell him to stfu tbh, cos telling your partner they are overweight and need to lose weight when they're not and don't is frankly fucking rude, and I for one would not put up with that.

ByThePowerOfBaileys · 19/12/2008 10:35

He is being unreasonable
I reckon a conversation should run like this.
You - Sweetie I love you but I feel like you are bullying me into going to the gym.
Him - What
You - commenting on how great I looked when I starved myself and that you would like me to go to the gym with you feels like you are bullying/trying to control me.
Him - what
You - I will only be able to loose weight and keep it off if I have done it a way I am happy with and I don't have any intention of trying to be a size 8 again.

Are you down at the moment? (aside from this?) Sometimes if I am down my Mum will automatically assume it is about my weight and tries to motivate me to loose weight as she thinks it will make me happy again - when infact my happiness is not linked to my weight.

I know it is hard but do try to explain to him clearly that you are feeling bullied and you don't want to be a size 8 again.

Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 10:36

I don't know, MTR.

I don't want to give the impression that he was nasty about it, or that he wants me to stop eating, because I want you all to be able to see the situation as it is, iyswim. Then I can accept any advice as completely unbiased, knowing I have given all the facts.

OP posts:
docket · 19/12/2008 10:36

Yuk.

Size 12 is a very good size to be. I agree, his behaviour is horribly controlling.

Presumably he is physically perfect in every way which is why he feels it is okay to make these comments?

Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 10:39

Thanks all for your advice and support, am going to have large bowl of Sultana Bran now

OP posts:
nellynaemates · 19/12/2008 10:42

I think some men are genuinely clueless as to how much of a sore spot weight is for most women (regardless of their size). Our culture is entrenched with it so almost everyone feels they are not good enough and therefore any comment tends to cut to the core.

You need to be explicit in telling him that you know he isn't being deliberately hurtful but you are very sensitive about comments like that.

Me and my partner are both bigger than when we got together (me post-pregnancy and him less time to exercise plus move from manual to office job). We've managed to find a comfortable position where we can both be very honest with each other about our weight, but only because we've discussed it IYSWIM, because it's such a sensitive subject I feel ground rules are helpful.

We know we'd both love to be slimmer and fitter so any time we mention it to each other it's always words of encouragement, e.g. yeah, but you know you'll lose it again when you get a chance to exercise etc. etc.

Don't starve yourself, have an honest conversation and if you want to go to the gym then do it! Exercise the best anti-depressant around. Good luck