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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fatter than I used to be?

199 replies

frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 10:15

Dh told me last night that he would like it if I lost a bit of weight in the New Year.
Before dd I was a size 8/10, and now I am a 12.

He has said this before, a few years ago he told me I was getting too big (again when I had gone up to a size 12), and it led to all sorts of problems. I very stupidly began to starve myself, and that went on for around 9 months, until I was back to a size 8.

Now I am back to a size 12, and although I would like to be skinny again, I feel that I would rather be free to eat what I please and be a bit bigger.I do a dance class every week and am quite active.

I feel terrible this morning, and I can't bring myself to eat breakfast as I feel fat and disgusting.

So am I being over sensitive? Or is he bu?
I must stress he was not being nasty about it, it was very much an "I love you but..." conversation.

OP posts:

Original poster

frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 19:14

I haven't mentioned to dh how I felt about what he said, but when I phoned him this evening he answered my call with "hello, insensitive shits 'r' us, how can I help?", so fwiw I do think he has clocked how upset he made me.

I can see that this has created a bit of a debate about weight, and I am fairly shocked by some of the posts, particularly those which infer that if you gain weight, your partner will cheat and it will be all your fault

I do need to lose a bit of weight to feel comfortable, this wasn't really the issue I was questioning. I really wanted opinions as to whether or not it is ok to express negative feelings about your partners' appearance to them, or if in fact it is highly insensitive to do so.

As always, whilst not offering any clear cut solutions, mumsnet helps put things into perspective

And if I do lose the weight, I solemnly swear to never become smug and suggest if you are fat you do not deserve a faithful relationship.

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 19/12/2008 19:21

I haven't read anything but the start of the thread but what is your height and weight?

LiffeyCanSpellGeansaiNollaig · 19/12/2008 19:26

she's five 7 and ten stone.

healthy imo.

petetong · 19/12/2008 19:36

Kiddz you talk sense. We have both put on weight since we met 17 years ago. I love my dh and he loves me. I would no more think of having sex with somebody else than he would. We have a huge amount of shared history and have been through some very difficult situations together. Physically we have both aged and changed, but we have a core love and respect for each other, we laugh a lot and love alot. That is what matters, not what you look like.

StefkaSnowAngel · 19/12/2008 19:51

Please don't get sucked into starving yourself. It's so bad for you and a very dangerous game to play. I have struggled with an ED for years and I dread to think the damage I have done to my body. One thing I recently learned is that it is actually much healthier to be slightly over weight than it is to be slightly underweight. I am currently working with a dietician and the focus is totally on being healthy not on weight and diets.

Your health is too important to mess about with. Your husband should be happy that you are healthy and well and not be pressurising you to loose weight that you don't really need to loose.

ninah · 19/12/2008 19:57

After ds I was really keen to lose weight. I think it was the feeling of being really cumbersome all those months, being around younger slimmer colleagues, all that. Ended up a size 8 when I look at the picture now I look ill, really quite disgusting. I think you have to keep things in proportion. Your weight/height sound fine, if you would feel better for a few gym sessions, fine too but dresses are there to fit people, not people to fit dresses

bloss · 19/12/2008 20:23

Message withdrawn

StefkaSnowAngel · 19/12/2008 20:42

Can only second the looking like shit thing. At my lowest weight I looked terrible. I also felt hellish. My DH said I looked like a prisoner of war and that he didn't want to touch me.

thumbElf · 19/12/2008 21:58

I got called a Belsen victim at my lowest weight as well - it was after I split from my first fiance; I went down to just under 8st (I am 5'6") and I was SKINNY. You could count all my ribs. I thought "Great! A fringe benefit to being dumped!" Now I look back at the photos of me then and shudder - I have the Callista Flockhart look - too-big head on stick-like bod.

apostropheelingchristmassy · 19/12/2008 22:20

I agree with moondog. I'm sure there are a few people out there whose weight problems are down to their glands or mental health problems but for most people, myself included, it's because we include eating among our recreational activities - we eat because it's nice, when we don't need to, so we take in more calories than we burn off.

Think OP's husband's barking, obviously.

thumbElf · 19/12/2008 22:46

frank, going back to your last post, I tried it out on my DH this eve - "do you think my size is ok at the mo?". He said "yes, you look absolutely fine". (Perfect answer!)

But we are both pretty weight-conscious - we are also both a little overweight at the mo, and both know it. So we discuss it together - sometimes I will see how much of his belly I can pick up between my fingers, he does the same to me if I let him (I do my own far too often for my own good). Because we are both in the same boat, neither of us take umbrage at it being mentioned. Mind you, DH is Australian and he is the most open bloke I've ever known when it comes to talking about stuff. He COULD be an insensitive bastard, but isn't generally.

I think your DH redeemed himself somewhat with his response on the phone!

Ronaldinhio · 19/12/2008 22:48

5"7 and 10 stone sounds normal

Original poster

frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 22:52

thumbElf, dh has an awful habit of making me laugh when I am desperately trying to be pissed off with him

OP posts:

Original poster

frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 22:53

Oh, and your dh sounds lovely, thumbElf

OP posts:

thumbElf · 19/12/2008 22:53

yup, mine does that too - it's a good thing overall, stops me sulking!

expatinscotland · 19/12/2008 22:56

can you imagine your life, chained to some scale, thinking your partner or spouse is going to cheat on you because of one dress size?

fuckin' hell, how neurotic and pathetic.

'oh, he doesn't like me anymore because of my weight.'

hello? there are about 3bn men on the planet.

so dump him and find someone else who doesn't have so many beyond stupid and immature hangups.

and yes, i'm nearly 38, a size 10 just naturally and a small-framed person.

i've had 3 kids.

i don't look like i did when i was 25.

well, hello? i'm not 25, either.

i don't expect my husband to shag me like a 25-year-old, either.

get a grip!

Ronaldinhio · 19/12/2008 22:58

I like the idea of spending eternity dragging some scales behind me whilst rattling my chains

ElectraInExcelsis · 19/12/2008 23:03

He is being unreasonable because you are happy the way you are. At size 12, I am sure you are not anywhere near fat. If you were going to lose weight it should be for yourself, not him. But it sounds like you feel fine (reasonable to imo!) and that he is putting pressure on.

ChristmasFairySantAsSLut · 19/12/2008 23:15

OP....your dh is a twunt...blokes like that really annoy me....well, not just blokes really....

I have had a lifetimes worth of eating issues...not i n a severe way, just been body consciences and all that forever....and comments like that from your dh do NOT help, they make things worse!

Like Electra said, if you would want to loose weight it has to be for yourself and because you want to...not to please some shallow &(*&%^

Does your dh look exactly the same he did...oh and did he give Birth since you met....grrr....(and I know having children does not necessarily mean you have to put on weight....but as OP sounds in a reasonable and healthy weight range anyway, I don't thing she is overdoing things...)

Judy1234 · 20/12/2008 13:24

At lot of people would love to be 5/7 and 10 stone but I can see that aesthetically nearer 9 stone may look better. And I suppose when you married you were a certain weight and that is what he liked and now you've changed just as sometimes men put on loads of weight and stop being fanciable because they're so obese or people change in other ways. I suspect you'd feel happier nearer 9 stone than 10 anyway so going to the gym and eating healthily might do you and him good.

Judy1234 · 20/12/2008 13:24

niceone1 · 22/12/2008 08:51

Jesus Christ.

He is off.

I'm a size 12 and if my husband told me I should lose weight I'd belt him one.

izyboy · 22/12/2008 09:37

SNORT at some of these posts. It is a very 1950's attitude that leans towards women having to 'control' their shape for their man.

If the OP feels healthier being say 9 and a half stone with a bit of exercise then great. However she is absolutely fine as she is and hubby really needs to look at himself and explore why he has such a controlling attitude towards his DW.

izyboy · 22/12/2008 09:45

Also I dont prescribe to the idea of eat less and you will be less fat as a simple prescription for weight issues. We all know that some people self medicate with food for a whole variety of reasons, especially with sugar, and therefore actually need a form of cognitive therapy to relearn a new relationship with food.

Sometimes the human condition 'aint as simple as some people like to think it is.

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