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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fatter than I used to be?

199 replies

frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 10:15

Dh told me last night that he would like it if I lost a bit of weight in the New Year.
Before dd I was a size 8/10, and now I am a 12.

He has said this before, a few years ago he told me I was getting too big (again when I had gone up to a size 12), and it led to all sorts of problems. I very stupidly began to starve myself, and that went on for around 9 months, until I was back to a size 8.

Now I am back to a size 12, and although I would like to be skinny again, I feel that I would rather be free to eat what I please and be a bit bigger.I do a dance class every week and am quite active.

I feel terrible this morning, and I can't bring myself to eat breakfast as I feel fat and disgusting.

So am I being over sensitive? Or is he bu?
I must stress he was not being nasty about it, it was very much an "I love you but..." conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 12:50

I am 5ft7 and 10 stone, wobbly belly, big bust, slim legs and arms, and I can't see my bum but I'd bet it was bigger than it once was

So yes, I could do with toning up, but it is only an issue for me because he has mentioned it. I was feeling ok about my body before.

OP posts:
Penthesileia · 19/12/2008 12:52

Incidentally, OP - and veering slightly off topic - is it possible that your DH is expressing himself rather cackhandedly, and what he really means is, "I am finding our new lives as parents tough; it's taking its toll on me and you; I find it hard to adjust to our new roles as parents and lovers, instead of just lovers; I remember that I used to find this easy; you were thinner then; HEY - maybe's that's the problem!; could you lose weight so it'll be like the old days again, when I didn't have the responsibility of being a dad?"

Just a thought.

swiftyknickers · 19/12/2008 12:52

anna is a total stepford ignore her-utter loon

size 12 is not fat=end-if you enjoy you food and are not bothered tell him this and if he doesn't likw it he knows where the door is

i was a size 8 when we met 10 years ago-went up to a 20 and am now a 16 and my DP has never made one comment-i'm sure he would have liked me to loose weight but never commented-i respect him for that

saying that he did say i was super hot the other day!!! i think its something to do with loosing weight has given me more confidence=sexy

god i would give my right arm to be a size 12

we can swap if you like

Penthesileia · 19/12/2008 12:53

Well, if it's not an issue for you, then who cares? You sound a good weight for your height.

Anna8888 · 19/12/2008 12:54

That's a BMI of 21.9 - which is perfectly healthy (healthy for adult women is between 18.5 and 23) but aesthetically, most women look better at a bit less than this.

Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 12:54

Husbands or bodies swiftyknickers?

OP posts:
TheVirginGoober · 19/12/2008 12:54

Sodding hell!

I was a size 12 once.

Not now.

My DH would be cuffed around the head if he so much as hinted I needed to lose weight.

YANBU and please, have a cake!!

Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 12:56

Anna- agree that although I am not overweight, I do look better a little slimmer. Should also mention that I have a small frame, so my BMI should really be at the lower end of the healthy range.

OP posts:
swiftyknickers · 19/12/2008 12:57

defo not husbands

have got a lovely hourglass figure but would love yours-sounds fabulous

anna you are a nob

Anna8888 · 19/12/2008 12:59

I have a BMI of 19.2, and a medium + frame.

I look fine, but am not remotely thin (I used to be, when breastfeeding).

2pt4WiseMen · 19/12/2008 13:01

I can see from what you've said fbf that your DH did not mean to be nasty or controlling. That he was just expressing his thoughts in a clumsy way.

I think you need to go back and talk to him about it again though and say to him that now you've thought about what he said it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable.
Tell him that him saying you looked better thinner is an uncomfortable thought because you know that when you were thinner you were less healthy and not in a very happy state.
It was obvioulsy not your 'natural' weight and took a lot of hard work and stress to get there.
Tel him that you are happy as you are, you feel better mentally and you are enjoying life a lot more without the worry of what you can/cant eat.
Ask him if he'd honestly prefer you to look thinner but be stressed and not as happy mentally?

If he still doesnt get it then tell him you much prefer men to look hair free and you'd like him to get a full body wax in the new year (and keep it up every 6 weeks to keep you happy!)

londontipton · 19/12/2008 13:05

Anna, I am puzzled how you can have such a low BMI and not look thin. I am only 5ft3 with a BMI of 21 -23 and am a size 8!

Anna8888 · 19/12/2008 13:08

I am a French size 40 - sometimes a size 38 - which is an English 10/12 in a "normal" shop (not the strange shops that have reworked their sizing to flatter their customers' ego). So not thin at all.

pamelat · 19/12/2008 13:11

I am 5ft 4. Pre DD I was a size 8, now I am a size 10 or sometimes 12. I gym at least 3 times a week but love food (jaffa cakes, pasta, chocolate etc)

My DH is wonderful but I know he would prefer me back at my usual size. He would never dare say it to me though!!

He tends to comment after weight loss. For a while I had a stone to shift and he never said anything but once I had lost half of it, he was very positive about it. This is how I know he would prefer that I was slimmer again.

Personally, I would like to be slimmer but not enough to go on a diet for.

Sometimes he will say things about my tummy or upper arms (both problem areas), its done in a jokey way though. I don't mind too much. My arms really are awful for my size and how much exercise I did/do.

However, I would not change my diet to suit him. I think the fact that your DH prefered it when you starved yourself, shows a selfish lack of concern for your wellbeing.

CoolYourJets · 19/12/2008 13:17

Anna - you are nuts. And IIRC you are the second wife, no partner are you not?

A size 8 at 5'7 is very thin. I was 9 stones at 5' 7 and still a 10/12.

pamelat · 19/12/2008 13:23

I am also very conscious of my tummy and don't want DH to hold it. It used to be flat.

I wonder whether its easier to be happy with your post baby body if you were not (too) skinny to begin with.

I would happily be a size 12 with big boobs nut unfortunately I seem to put weight on elsewhere!

ingles2 · 19/12/2008 13:29

Anna I always thought you were my height 5'8 ish no?
to have a bmi that low you must weight less than 9 stone.

Anna8888 · 19/12/2008 13:31

I'm 1m74 and 57/58 kilos.

moondog · 19/12/2008 13:32

I don't think it's nice to be fat either.In fact,I think it is repellant.

(Doesn't mean that the OP's dh isn't a loon though.)

ingles2 · 19/12/2008 13:40

so you're nearly 5'9 and weigh 9 stone on a medium frame
That can't be healthy and you must have very little muscle.
You poor thing... you must have a scrawny chicken neck

snowleopard · 19/12/2008 13:41

The thing is though... there's obese, which is not good (and I would probably say something if I had an obese husband as I'd be worried about his health) - and then there's just normal, which happens to be fatter than model-skinny. It sounds as if this man wants a skinny woman for reasons of looks alone and it is incredibly unreasonable of him to bring that up IMO. As orm says, if the op herself said she wanted to lose weight then yes he can discuss it, politley. But basically it is demeaning and hurtful to say you're not aesthetically happy with your partner's weight in this exacting way.

Your partner should love you for who you are, and accept reasonable weight changes as part of life.

I was never thin - I've always been chunky and pear-shaped, but within healthy weight range. So now, post-baby, I'm a bit fatter (though like the OP not actually "fat"), and I don't care. DP only comments positively - whether he likes my big arse or is just well-trained, I know not. But if he said this, I would be very pissed off indeed.

expatinscotland · 19/12/2008 13:41

i'm a size 10 six weeks after giving birth to my third child (i'm 5ft., 3in.). i used to be a size 6.

but i also didn't used to have children and a job or a husband and could spend as much of my spare time as i wanted being sportive.

i'm fit and healthy and my husband - who needs to gain weight - appreciates teh changes in me and my body, which has given birth to three beautiful children.

it's not about weight. the OP is not obese or fat.

it's about respect. it's about honouring your spouse and who they become after having children and growing older.

i don't look like i did when i was 25, but man, i sure am glad i'm not that person anymore, either.

Anna8888 · 19/12/2008 13:42

LOL I'm not remotely scrawny ... and I have good strong muscles from all the physical labour I do.

moondog · 19/12/2008 13:43

My dh is slim but I will always tell hi straight away if he is packing a few extra pounds. I don't want to have sex with someone with a gut and am sure feeling is mutual.

expatinscotland · 19/12/2008 13:45

mine needs to gain weight.

but he knows that. he doesn't need me to remind him of that.

if he became disfigured or differently abled through accident or illness, however, he'd still be the same person and i'd still love him and find him just as attractive.

wouldn't you expect the same if the shoe were on the other foot?

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