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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fatter than I used to be?

199 replies

frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 10:15

Dh told me last night that he would like it if I lost a bit of weight in the New Year.
Before dd I was a size 8/10, and now I am a 12.

He has said this before, a few years ago he told me I was getting too big (again when I had gone up to a size 12), and it led to all sorts of problems. I very stupidly began to starve myself, and that went on for around 9 months, until I was back to a size 8.

Now I am back to a size 12, and although I would like to be skinny again, I feel that I would rather be free to eat what I please and be a bit bigger.I do a dance class every week and am quite active.

I feel terrible this morning, and I can't bring myself to eat breakfast as I feel fat and disgusting.

So am I being over sensitive? Or is he bu?
I must stress he was not being nasty about it, it was very much an "I love you but..." conversation.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 19/12/2008 11:57

He knows anna. He is trying to do something about it. I was just using it as an example of when and if you should/shouldn't say something.

The fact that he thinks that muscle work in te gym is going to remove his spare tractor tyre without any Cv work at all (he fins it boring) in spite of the fact that he can see how the weight came off me when I started running. And he won't cut out the beer...

mumblechum · 19/12/2008 11:59

Well, my 2p worth is that I had an epiphany the other day and told dh that I wasn't going to lose weight (I'm a 12 bottom, 14 top) as the reason's I'm no longer the size 10 he married 18 years ago are

a. I've had two huge pregnancies & CSs which have buggered up my stomach muscles

b. I really enjoy my food and cooking.

His response was, you don't need to justify anything. Being comfortable with your weight makes any woman more attractive and confident.

so there you go.

TheFalconInThePearTree · 19/12/2008 12:06

YANBU. I'd have a fit if dp said that to me and a size 12 is most certainly not fat.

Just say to him ''Well I'd like you to have a decent sized cock but that isn't going to happen either is it?''

ingles2 · 19/12/2008 12:07

Anna
caring for who exactly? certainly not the OP, it's not an health issue, purely an aesthetic one.
you've lived in Paris too long.....reigning in the extra kilo immediately. get a grip ffs. as if we haven't got other (more important things to think about

mayorquimby · 19/12/2008 12:09

sorry just wondering, is it because it is a man saying it to a post-child woman that makes this so wrong, or is a partner never allowed to state preference or comment on the others changing physique?
while i think that of course health is the paramount issue here.
i'm just wondering if people would be so quick to call a wife "selfish,a twat,sick in the head etc" if there husband say started exercising once a week when they used to do more and started drinking beer thus getting fatter. now they're still healthy but they are simply not as attractive to the wife any more physically, just a statement of fact. especially if the wife still keeps herself in good shape. what is so wrong about letting him know that he has put on a bit of weight and suggest that he starts hitting the gym with the wife to be more healthy?

Yanda · 19/12/2008 12:16

Hmmm, he is being very unreasonable. The only reason you should lose weight is if YOU choose to healthily.

DH said something similar (although he wouldn't dare tell me to go to the gym!)when I noticed I was buying clothes a size bigger than I used to. It was the first and last time he said anything like that because I told him to fuck off and not let the door hit him in the arse on the way out.

Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 12:18

Ihank you fo all your responses.

It is a tricky one. It seems like there is a very fine line between insensitivity and honesty where appearance is concerned. Of course I want to look my best, and he has been quite constructive about how we could get in shape 'together', but on the other hand he has also hurt my feelings.

OP posts:
TheFalconInThePearTree · 19/12/2008 12:21

A size 12 is not fat MayorQuimby. The OP also exercises and is active. I see absolutely no reasons why she needs to lose weight.

bloss · 19/12/2008 12:21

Message withdrawn

largevirginbirthandtonic · 19/12/2008 12:25

Anna am truly gobsmaked by your comments.

Will have to hide thread i think.

FRANK it is a very controlling way to say something to you, be wary of it. He probably sneaks it in a lot and you have become accustomed to it.

A 12 is not fat by any stretch of the imagination nor dangerous for your health. If you are happy than stay like you are.

Clearly he struggles with his body image and feels you should too. It is not fair and i would tell him that.

I hope he realises what he has said but doubt it.

ingles2 · 19/12/2008 12:25

because it's shallow and infantile to place so much emphasis on your partners physical appearance. Being attractive to your partner should be health, happiness, confidence, shared experience and a million other little things.
If dh put on a load of weight, and I was worried about his health I'd be trying to find out if there was something worrying him, if he was happy, not suggesting he should get down to the gym because I don't fancy him anymore.

Anna8888 · 19/12/2008 12:28

Oh, I think it's shallow and infantile to pretend that physical appearance doesn't matter and that you are "above" all that

Nekabu · 19/12/2008 12:29

"I think he's being caring and fair - far better to mention it to you now than to wait until you are a size 16, say nothing and have an affair with a slimmer woman he finds more attractive without ever having said a word."

GASP! Are you being serious, Anna? Do you really think that putting on a bit of weight = husband nipping off and shagging a thinner version? How about when she gets a bit older? Will that automatically mean he'll be nipping off for a perfectly justifiable shag of someone younger? Are we supposed to remain frozen in time, exactly the same weight/shape/pertness as we were when we were weenyboppers or our husbands/partners will have to replace us because we won't be coming up to scratch any more?

As Shakespeare wrote (and very accurately too, IMHO): Love is not love that alters when it alteration finds.

bloss · 19/12/2008 12:29

Message withdrawn

TheFalconInThePearTree · 19/12/2008 12:30

Well I think it's shallow to be as fixated on weight as you are Anna.

Anna8888 · 19/12/2008 12:32

Controllable weight and inevitable ageing are not quite the same thing though.

"Letting yourself go" is pretty unattractive - it suggests you don't care about yourself or the people close to you.

TheFalconInThePearTree · 19/12/2008 12:34

Anna you really are a loony.

ingles2 · 19/12/2008 12:36

you know what Anna,... I've worked in the fashion industry for a big chunk of my career. Here, in NYC,and in Paris
I know physical appearance is bottom of the list.

mayorquimby · 19/12/2008 12:36

"A size 12 is not fat MayorQuimby. The OP also exercises and is active. I see absolutely no reasons why she needs to lose weight"

i never said a size twelve was fat (mainly because i don' know exactly what a size 12 is). as i said health = paramount. and in my reverse scenario i said if the husband was "getting fatter but he was still healthy" as seems to be the case in the op. not fat by any means but by her own admission fatter than she was but still healthy.
so my question was is it never ok to make a comment on your partners weight/appearance even if it is affecting your level of physical attraction to them male or female?

TheFalconInThePearTree · 19/12/2008 12:37

...Wonders if it's a requirement for anyone moving to Paris to cease having fun, acquire a permanently sour expression and stick their head up their backside and not remove it again until they leave.

Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 12:41

For the record, I am not worried about dh running off into the sunset with a nubile size 8 girl, he was quite clear that he loves me no matter what.

He simply told me that he would like it if I would start going to the gym with him and lose a bit of weight/tone up.

Nekabu, loved the Shakespeare, and it sums up quite accurately how I feel. Dh will always be attractive to me and I am genuinely unconcerned with his changing appearance as he ages. I wish he felt the same, but he does not and I think I will have to accept this.

OP posts:
Penthesileia · 19/12/2008 12:44

While I think the OP's DH is BU in addressing the issue with her like he does, and that the OP should lose weight if she wants and needs to (in that order, I suppose), I don't think people are being entirely fair to Anna, even if she is being (typically) provocative forthright .

Society does judge on appearance, and we do look at ourselves and others and compare: how many of you have seen a friend or colleague after a long time and gone 'oooohh s/he's lost/gained weight'? Maybe you're not judging them either way, or it doesn't affect how you treat or feel about them - but you do notice.

And she's right to say that it's way easier to lose a kilo than it is to lose 20. Keeping your weight ticking over is a sensible idea; not the ravings of a loony.

Obviously, being overweight is hardly a crime, and a person's true worth is not reflected in their size. But it's disingenuous to say that no-one thinks that.

Incidentally, all this talk of size is irrelevant. Is the OP tall or short? A size 12 is small on a tall, muscular person, but enormous on a petite person. Similarly, a tall woman might be a 16 or 18 and be slim, despite the fact that people have such a horror of those sizes.

alexpolismum · 19/12/2008 12:44

Are there really women out there who are still a size 12? I mean WOMEN, not teenagers? Size 12 is just a distant memory for me. Fortunately my dh's only response to my expanding waistline has been to buy me some new clothes to accomodate it!

OP, your dh's attitude is just ludicrous. Starving yourself is obviously extremely bad for your health, how can he possibly tell you you looked better then - the sneaky, unsaid implication is "do it again, I prefer you unhealthily thin". Very selfish of him, no concern either for your general wellbeing or for your feelings.

Dropdeadfred · 19/12/2008 12:45

Actual weight loss does not necessarily change your dress size anyway. I have a friend that weighs alot less than me but we are the same size in jeans.
has your body changed dramatically since having your child? perhaps toning up would be sufficient to make you cofident again..weight loss may not even be necessary.

Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 12:46

Which leaves me to ponder the question, are aesthetics more of a factor in attractiveness to men than women?

I find humour and warmth are at the top of my list, but do men need that physical fanciability to still find their wives attractive as they age?

OP posts:
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