to be fatter than I used to be?

[frankbestfriend]

Dh told me last night that he would like it if I lost a bit of weight in the New Year.
Before dd I was a size 8/10, and now I am a 12.

He has said this before, a few years ago he told me I was getting too big (again when I had gone up to a size 12), and it led to all sorts of problems. I very stupidly began to starve myself, and that went on for around 9 months, until I was back to a size 8.

Now I am back to a size 12, and although I would like to be skinny again, I feel that I would rather be free to eat what I please and be a bit bigger.I do a dance class every week and am quite active.

I feel terrible this morning, and I can't bring myself to eat breakfast as I feel fat and disgusting.

So am I being over sensitive? Or is he bu?
I must stress he was not being nasty about it, it was very much an "I love you but..." conversation.

Yuck at fake boobs and false tans. And no they don't look fantastic. Does your DH think they do?

buy him a Barbie

But you talked about being "fatter" frank, which might say something about how this makes you feel. It does sound as if he has a very unrealistic idea of what you are supposed to look like, and the friends aren't helping. They sound hideous to me, FWIW.

I do think once someone decides themsleved to lose weight you can play a big role in helping.

You can't nag them there.

They are not hideous, in fact they are all lovely and supportive, fake boobs and tan not for me but they do work hard to acheive the look they want.

I just have not got the same motivation as them.

Anna, dh would never comment on the appearance of his friends wives, I was simply pondering if he secretly compares me to them.

Sorry "hideous" was a bit harsh but I do not find that look at all nice, and I think when women all strive to attain the same identikit look it's really sad. You don't have to do the same, and you don't want to, as you said in your OP.

You can probably work that out for yourself - men's eyes wander towards women they find attractive and you will see what his eye is drawn to (he won't even be aware that he is doing this).

But fake boobs and tans - no, no, no . Slim, fit and healthy is lovely - a glow in your cheeks from a long winter walk is so much more attractive than a fake bake.

cor i am glad i'm not moondogs friend

such intolerance is so unattractive

OMG. YANBU. I could not live with a partner who wanted me to loose weight unless that was what I wanted to myself, especially as you want to eat normally and not have to starve to be a smaller size.

I am considerably bigger than that normally (I am pregnant)and my DH would never dream of telling me to loose weight infact he seems to fancy me just as much as ever.

If you choose to control your weight than that is up to you but it is different when your DH is trying to make you do it.

I love my body and am a size 16! I eat healthy (mostly) and exercise but I have no desire to loose weight, My Dh loves me the way I am!{fsmile]

TBH is someone told me to loose weight, I'd tell them to get stuffed.

I agree with moondog, fat people are fat becuse they dont know when to stop eating. It's very easy to jump on every bandwagon, it's my thyroid, my metabolic rate, I was programmed into me before I was 5. That is generally bollo*. People are fat because they dont know when enough is enough and they lead sedentary lifestyles.

Frankbestfriend, I reckon your dh is comparing you to the fake bake gang which is unfair. I hope he is an adonis himself.

You are a size 12 for God's sake, not an elephant. Tell him that though you would also like to lose some weight it will be on your terms. You'll do more of the exercise you like, walking, swimming etc and are not wasting money on the gym. And to be a bit more supportive, no one likes putting on weight, but we certainly dont like negative comments about it that make us feel worse.

PS who would look after your dc while you are both down the gym?

I didn't think I was getting much of a hormonal overdose during pregnancy but I guess I must be as I don't think I can read this thread any more as I'm finding it quite upsetting. I don't know which is worse, some of the very superficial attitudes that have been expressed or the rather sad, resigned acceptance of frankbestfriend.

I totally agree with a loving partner helping someone who is an unhealthy weight but this is nothing to do with that.

I wish you the best of luck frankbestfriend but think that rather you needing a physical adjustment, your husband needs a mental one as his attitude sucks.

Well I'm certainly not jumping on any bandwagon. I love food and eat too much of it BUT am very happy wioth my body, my life.

God, this is a difficult one.

FWIW, I have had 4 DC, 42 yrs old and size 8/10 (5'1", size 3 feet so small framed), was a size 6 when met DH. He is attracted to petite, brunette women - loves Flavia on Strictly eg. If I went up another dress size with my frame, I doubt he would find me as sexually attractive - that's a fact. He would also say something and has said things before in a jokey way . TBH I don't think they understand the impact some of the things they say have on us, especially after DC.

But I have another problem, my DH has put on over 4 stone since I met him and is classed as obese - He carries the weight well but it is not attractive but I do love him to bits. I worry about the health implications and know his weight is linked to how he was brought up (mother feeding him 6 times a day and making him everything!), stress (he medicates himself with food)plus the usual lack of exercise. I have told him it doesn't bother me but is does - what do I do. It really bothers him too but, so far, not enough to do much about it. This weight has been going on fairly gradually over the last 10 years. He has high BP. Do I tell DH that, sexually, it is a turn off and make him even more insecure, stressed etc making him eat more or do I keep quiet and hope, in the not too distant future, that he does something positive to tackle it ?

I know I should read all this but I really can't - I'm sure I'm repeating BUT here you go.

Size 12 is not fat but it is all about how comfortable you feel. I know I need to lose about a stone to feel comfortable again, and I am a size 12/14 at the mo. I have the muffin top and eat too much chocolate, and don't do enough exercise so I know what the problems are and hope to be able to sort them out asap.

As you get older, you need to remember 2 things (and 30 isn't old);

1. too skinny makes you look haggard, not good, so a bit of extra weight is often beneficial
2. it's MUCH harder to lose weight than when you are younger - for me I was fine until I hit 35 and then it all went wrong and the weight started to creep up.

The top phsyiology and health people believe that adults should put on no more than 10% of their bodyweight over their adult life - so I weighed 8.5st when I was 18 (119 lbs), so in reality I should try to get back to 131 lbs, or just under 9.5 st. Wouldn't that be lovely!

If dieting makes you miserable, don't do it. DO make sure you have 3 meals a day, DO drink lots of fluids, especially when you think you are hungry, and DO more exercise - get a dog if you haven't got one, that helps.

And make your DH do it with you.

countingto10 - in a way you are facilitating his inability to do anything about it by telling him you don't mind, which is not true. So find a way to tell him lovingly that you would prefer for him to be around for quite a while longer, and in his current state he could be heading for an early heart attack/type II diabetes etc. and you would really rather he avoided that by losing weight.
Tell him that much though you love him, you can't sit back and let him continue to make himself miserable and that you will do everything you can to help him, if he wants you to. Even offer to do it with him!

Exactly,why tell people it's ok to be bloaters?
It's not.
I would be so angry with my dh if he put on 4 stone.

um, counting, he says stuff to you, albeit 'in a joking way' when you've only put on a bit of weight and he's put on 4 STONE?!

Agree in principal with a lot of what moondog and Anna888 are saying, eek.

Losing weight is relatively easy to do. I am about a stone lighter than I was at the start of the year ( although am on hormone injections atm which make me super tired so have put on a couple of pounds). I lost the weight by cutting out ice cream in the evening and eating fish 2-3 times a week and making some moderate changes to my diet. Was surprised at how easy it was.

My DH would never dream of making any remarks about my size, but now I have gone down a dress size he is constantly remarking on my good figure.

However by Annas standards I would be fat as BMI is about 23.7 and am 10 st 6 and 5ft 6 and size 12/14.

Now clearly it is easier when you haven't got loads to use, but much easier to do if you just go and do it and not bleat to all in sundry incessantly about how you are going to do it, join an expensive slimming club to pay someone £6.00 a week to get on a pair of scales and then not do anything in the middle.

Also think that we do have a bit of a duty to maintain ourselves for our partner and this goes both ways. Its a bit naive to think that if a bloke initially falls in love with a size 10 he isn't going to be slightly disappointed when she subsequently balloons to a size 20, although clearly if he is a gentleman and there are births of children involved, he wouldn't say much about it.

Not sure how much of this is relevant in the OPs case though. Its no fun trying to maintain an artifically low weight but if she can do something via exercise and healthy eating,then maybe give it a try.

I look haggard

Haven't read all of the posts, but YANBU.

Size 12 is not fat. It's what happens when you're not dedicating time specifically to staying in shape. It doesn't mean you#re lazy or that you have no willpower.

He's been conned by the media into thinking that size 12= letting yourself go.

BULLSHIT. Size 8/10 takes effort (for 90% of people).

The op is clearly not over weight even at her current size 12. I think some of you must have really shallow relationships with your partners if you would understand them sleeping with another woman if you put on a few pounds and vice versa.

"No,I don't want ot shag a fat man and if he got fat I would probably sleep with someone else.
Likewise if i got fat,it's possible he would too."

I have found it increasingly difficult to keep the pounds off post 40 and am now not the size 8 I was a few years ago and am a size 12. I am very pleased that physical appearance is of little importance in our relationship as otherwise I may have been put off sleeping with him by his massive disfiguring abdominal scar, his susequent hernia and his colostomy bag.

RookieTheRedNosedReindeer - I think you should have said "I found it relatively easy to lose weight", and not generalised, it is not that easy for many people otherwise everyone would be slim and there would be no unhappy fat people who would love to lose weight!!!!

PS Anna, you've been in France too long

Get back to Blighty now. First thinking Tiffany is a posh Victorian name and now this French 'rein in every kilo immediately' talk'

five foot 7 and ten stone sounds slim to me.

And Moondog, it's not THAT easy to lose weight, I don't overeat, hate the feeling of being full, but I do eat Sandwiches becuase they're handy and quick. If I lose weight it's becuase I start washing up and chopping millions of vegetables instead of sandwich at lunch time. With children shouting for their lunch too, it is inconvenient to wash and chop up a salad. It DOES come down to time. I was size 8 pre kids too, but I was incredibly self-absorbed. I compared myself with perfection rather than now, when I compare myself with Ms Average. I feel so much better being size 12. I feel like I know my body is strong and healthy and it 'worked'.