Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fatter than I used to be?

199 replies

frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 10:15

Dh told me last night that he would like it if I lost a bit of weight in the New Year.
Before dd I was a size 8/10, and now I am a 12.

He has said this before, a few years ago he told me I was getting too big (again when I had gone up to a size 12), and it led to all sorts of problems. I very stupidly began to starve myself, and that went on for around 9 months, until I was back to a size 8.

Now I am back to a size 12, and although I would like to be skinny again, I feel that I would rather be free to eat what I please and be a bit bigger.I do a dance class every week and am quite active.

I feel terrible this morning, and I can't bring myself to eat breakfast as I feel fat and disgusting.

So am I being over sensitive? Or is he bu?
I must stress he was not being nasty about it, it was very much an "I love you but..." conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 10:42

No, not really feeling down atm, although I am aware of putting on weight and it does bother me a tiny bit.
As I said though, not really enough to do something about it, at least not until dh made his feelings known.

OP posts:
MorningTownRide · 19/12/2008 10:43

Yoyo dieting is not good for you (says she who's been doing it since she was 13)

Anyway, not eating breakfast is the worst thing you can do - most important meal of the day and all that.

Size 12 is a lovely size! But then again I have never been an 8!

Saying he is not being nasty is bullshit, he is being nasty.

mindalina · 19/12/2008 10:44

The thing that people are reacting to, I think (certainly for me!) is that what he has said is inherently nasty, regardless of whether he said it in a nice way, prefaced with I love you, whatever.

You are a size 12 - this is most likely NOT overweight in anyway shape or form, unless you're 3ft in which case I suppose it might be - and it is not for him to pressure you to lose weight.

If you have previous problems with your relationship with food, then telling you looked good when you starved yourself is downright dangerous surely, I do find that shocking though I can see what you mean about him not wanting you to starve yourself - but look at you, because he's said that you don't want breakfast, so you see how terrible a thing it was to say even if not meant entirely?

But what I said before still stands - if you think you'd be happier losing weight then go for it, but do it for your own benefit, not his. It's not for your other half to dictate the way you should look, he loves you for YOU, not just for the way you look.

Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 10:44

Thanks nelly, that's exactly it. He just doesn't understand that any sort of comment, regardless of his intention, upsets me a great deal.

OP posts:
docket · 19/12/2008 10:46

I honestly think your dh's behaviour is a big problem. He's putting what he prefers over your well-being and being really controlling. I am very on your behalf.

faithandhope · 19/12/2008 10:49

"he wants me to go to the gym"

Tell him you want him to got to hell

OrmIrian · 19/12/2008 10:49

Do you want to be slimmer?

If the answer is yes, then I don't see the harm in going along with his suggestion and going to the gym with him. Much nicer way to tone up and get fit than dieting.

I think he said it in a kind way from what you've told us. I must admit to finding my DH a little less attractive than he was as he's put on lots of weight (much more than you by the sounds of it) but I've left it to him to mention it before I said anything. Then I made what I hoped were helpful suggestions.

Have you said anything about your weight to him before? Could he be responding to your concerns.

But to answer your question of course you aren't being unreasonable. It's your body. If you are happy you must tell him so and carry on as you are.

OrmIrian · 19/12/2008 10:50

BTW. Eat some breakfast! Very very bad not to .

ingles2 · 19/12/2008 10:52

I used to be very skinny (too skinny) pre dc's,.. then I piled it on a bit and now am back to a good size for my body. DH has never ever commented on my size other than to say he thinks I'm gorgeous and if he did I would go blardy ballistic.

Do NOT diet unless you are unhappy with your size. How dare he say you are getting too big. I assume then he must be Brad Pitt and his Physique is perfect!

Dieting only works if you really really want to lose weight and are prepared to make long term changes to your diet, not yoyo dieting and not because your, not so dh, wants you to.

Remember too that as we get older, your face will definitely look better with a little weight on it. scrawny chicken necks are soooo not a good look.

Sunflower100 · 19/12/2008 10:54

What is this? dh's become twats day?

largevirginbirthandtonic · 19/12/2008 10:59

YANBU what a tosser.

I agree with Humphrey further down the thread that starting any converstaion with 'I love you but...' is very controlling and only said to make you feel terrible while removing himself from guilt.

Be how you want to be and sod him. I would be very upset if my dh said that to me.

Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 11:01

OrmIrian

I liked your post.
No, I have not said anything to him about my weight, but I do feel more self conscious.
I don't like him touching my stomach very much, although generally I don't think about my size and eat what I want.

OP posts:
StephanieByng · 19/12/2008 11:02

just tell him you are concerned about his preference for the androgynous look - what is it about that he is trying to get rid of your womanliness???

Niecie · 19/12/2008 11:03

My initial reaction would be to feel quite threatened if I were you, FBF. What is he going to do if you DON'T go to the gym or lose weight? Is it going to be an excuse for all sorts of bad behaviour on his behave in the future?

Like everybody else says, size 12 is not fat and you should only lose weight if you want to.

OrmIrian · 19/12/2008 11:04

Good. I was a bit worried that you wouldn't!

He may have noticed your body language.

But TBH I think he should have left it to you to bring it up if you were sufficiently worried about it. Which you clearly aren't.

Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 11:05

That is also true, G+T, he has managed to say something not very nice in such a way that he cannot be blamed for how I now feel.

That is why I asked aibu. I couldn't tell if I was being over sensitive or if he was out of order.

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 19/12/2008 11:05

Do you tell him how he should look and what you prefer?
I am quite cross on your behalf.
If DH ever said this to me I would hit the roof, I wouldn't care how nicely he put it.
He thought you looked great when you were starving yourself?
He actually said that?

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 19/12/2008 11:07

My dh and I have both gained weight - I am a snug size 12, and I could do with losing a bit as it feels too flabby for my frame (i am NOT a toned size 12

But my dh would NEVER say anything. He is more sensitive about it than I am, and we spend alot of time consoling each other.

Please, please tell us if your dh is a Brad Pitt/Adonis type. We NEED to know!!!!

BTW, I do think he was being rather unkind.

Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 11:07

He actually said "you looked great when you lost weight before", how I acheived it wasn't mentioned.

OP posts:
purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 19/12/2008 11:08

Meant to say - I am bigger than I used to be, but my tits are FABULOUS!!!

TheCrackFox · 19/12/2008 11:09

YANBU, size 12 is not fat.

Does he work out and maintain his figure? I find it tends to be men that "let themselves go" when they get married.

FWIW dieting only really works if you do it to please yourself. It is a big commitment and hard work, you will fail to lose weight if you do it to please your DH.

mrsruffallo · 19/12/2008 11:10

I think he would be more concerned that you were eating a healthy 3 meals a day and feeling good about yourself than miserable and starving yourself?

Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 11:10

Dh is toned and quite muscular but very slim, and he can eat whatever he likes without gaining weight.
He is constantly trying to put weight on.

Perhaps he is jealous of my muffin top?

OP posts:
Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 11:12

Purpleduck- my tits are also better when I am fatter, sadly they are the first thing to go when I lose weight.

OP posts:
Jackaroo · 19/12/2008 11:15

What a poisonous thing to say.

I know of what I speak, I spent 7 years (on and off) with a boyfriend who used to say "you're beautiful; if you were 5lbs lighter, you'd be perfect". Which I'm sure he thought was inspirational... find me a 20-year old who doesn't want to be perfect.

In that time I put on a stone and a half. .

but actually I don't think you want to hear the end of our story... he went from emotionally to verbally to physically abusive, all the time telling me "but your beautiful and I love you the MOST". and then left me for an 18 year old when we were 26.

Go figure. I still worry about her sometimes....but maybe she stayed a size 6?

Swipe left for the next trending thread