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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fatter than I used to be?

199 replies

frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 10:15

Dh told me last night that he would like it if I lost a bit of weight in the New Year.
Before dd I was a size 8/10, and now I am a 12.

He has said this before, a few years ago he told me I was getting too big (again when I had gone up to a size 12), and it led to all sorts of problems. I very stupidly began to starve myself, and that went on for around 9 months, until I was back to a size 8.

Now I am back to a size 12, and although I would like to be skinny again, I feel that I would rather be free to eat what I please and be a bit bigger.I do a dance class every week and am quite active.

I feel terrible this morning, and I can't bring myself to eat breakfast as I feel fat and disgusting.

So am I being over sensitive? Or is he bu?
I must stress he was not being nasty about it, it was very much an "I love you but..." conversation.

OP posts:
purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 19/12/2008 11:17

My tits go straight away as well

Anna8888 · 19/12/2008 11:20

Be glad that your DH cares so much about you but lose the weight only if it pleases you and you feel good about it when you do (and without starving).

nickytinseltimes · 19/12/2008 11:22

I am also that someone who professes to love you should say a thing like this.
It is unhealthy.

I am a former anorexic, and when I was just out of hospital and still very ill and severely underweight, there were a couple of guys I met who thought I looked great.

I think they liked the fragility of it - weirdos.

Fortunatley, dh prefers me to be happy and couldn't give a toss what size I am. AN he always tells me I look fab even when I don't.

Jackaroo · 19/12/2008 11:23

Anna, do you mean that or was it a facetious smiley face? Do you think that shows a caring nature? To say she looked fabulous when she had an eating disorder?

Just curious, really couldn't tell...

FanjoForTheYuletideMammaries · 19/12/2008 11:25

My DH cares about me and expresses it by always saying I look lovely and am not fat, even when I am and could do with losing a couple of stone, like now. I love his loyalty.

He knows I am not stupid and if I wanted to lose weight I would, and he doesn't need to tell me.

and I have lost 10lbs recently, for myself!

Anna8888 · 19/12/2008 11:28

It is perfectly caring to be concerned about your family's weight and to express that care to them .

FanjoForTheYuletideMammaries · 19/12/2008 11:31

Yes if they are dangerously overweight, which the OP clearly isn't, not just because she looks slightly less appealing to him!

nickytinseltimes · 19/12/2008 11:32

Anna, the op is nothing like overweight fgs.

Jackaroo · 19/12/2008 11:35

But is that what he's doing? Surely being a size 12 isn't a health hazard (if that's the concern you're citing.........).

If it is, I'm buggered

I thought, from what OP said, that he was expressing his feelings about how he felt regarding her weight, not wondering if she was unhappy. He said HE would like her to lose weight.

Forgot to say, Frankie, YANBU!

Anna8888 · 19/12/2008 11:36

It is better to keep to a stable weight and to rein in every extra kilo immediately

FanjoForTheYuletideMammaries · 19/12/2008 11:37

well, maybe she could keep to a stable size 12 then?

Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 11:38

His concern is purely aesthetic, I am certainly not unhealthily overweight.

He is a caring dh though Anna, and I can see from his pov that he is just being honest about his feelings. He finds me more attractive when I am slimmer.

I suppose the question I am asking is really is he bu for expressing these feelings or should husbands keep any thoughts about their wives appearance to themselves?

OP posts:
Jackaroo · 19/12/2008 11:40

I'm not sure what your smiley faces mean Anna. Do they mean that we should take everything you say as a joke, and therefore ignore, or do you know that what you are saying is entirely unreasonable and you hope that putting a smiley face on the end of it will make it more palatable?

Rhetorical btw...

Original poster
frankbestfriend · 19/12/2008 11:41

Thanks for the chocolate btw purpleduck

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 19/12/2008 11:42

Oh FGS. What charmer. Was that your Christmas present? 'Lose weight, you fat cow'?

You are all being far too reasonable. Tell him to stick (and i assume he has the body of a Chippendale?)

nickytinseltimes · 19/12/2008 11:42

Yes, frank, he is bu.
Tbh, I think he is bu for having these kind of thoughts in the first place...

whonickedmynickname · 19/12/2008 11:43

I used to be a size 8/10 pre baby and DH has said a similar thing.

I told him I love my food too much to even think about dieting - either he embraces the bigger boobies or he buggers off.

He's accepted the bigger boobies :-)

expatinscotland · 19/12/2008 11:43

I'd tell him I'd like to him to get a bigger prick in the new year.

Anna8888 · 19/12/2008 11:45

I think he's being caring and fair - far better to mention it to you now than to wait until you are a size 16, say nothing and have an affair with a slimmer woman he finds more attractive without ever having said a word.

OrmIrian · 19/12/2008 11:45

I don't know the answer to that question frank. As I said earlier my DH has put on a lot of weight, partly age I suppose but mostly due to giving up smoking. He's 6'1" and nearly 15 stone. He is muscular but there is a lot of ahem 'relaxed muscle' round his middle. Not to put too fine a point on it, for the first time in his life he is fat. I do find it a bit less attractive, and I know it can't be doing him any good healthwise either. So what do I say? Nowt? Or do I try to mention it in a loving way?

As it happens the two cases aren't the same. DH knows he's overweight and wants to do something about (the fact that he is going about it all the wrong way is beside the point ). And you are not overweight at all by the sounds of it and don't really want to lose weight anyway. But the principle remains - at what point does it become acceptable to raise this subject with your OH regardless of sensibilities, or do you just have to accept it?

nickytinseltimes · 19/12/2008 11:46

Words fail me, Anna.

FFs.

I am going to have ot hide this thread now as I will say something I regret.

expatinscotland · 19/12/2008 11:46

Because women who are size 16 can't possibly be as attractive as slimmer ones.

OrmIrian · 19/12/2008 11:47

That was in response to "I suppose the question I am asking is really is he bu for expressing these feelings or should husbands keep any thoughts about their wives appearance to themselves?" btw.

Jackaroo · 19/12/2008 11:47

I could say something flippant along the lines of a man should never say anything derogatory about his wife's appearance, but actually his esthetic is not normal, which is a bigger concern, and there is no room for flippancy.

I just repeat, how is it caring to tell you you looked fantastic at a point when you both know you were starving yourself.

he needs to do some adjustment to his perception of beautiful. He is allowed to be wistful that you may not return to your pubescent form, as it will remind him of your younger, pre-baby, sexy days. But then he needs to get a grip and remember what your (slightly more) rounded figure has given both of you, and that you're married a long time. Did he honestly think you would stay that size forever? Has he seen what an older woman (fat or thin) looks like? Can he cope with aging either?

Anyway, hope you work out something that satisfies you. Sounds tricky.

Anna8888 · 19/12/2008 11:49

OrmIrian - I think you need to mention it in a loving way. It's just not fair to him to not say anything when it affects how attractive you find him.

And you can try to support your DH eating healthily/losing weight.

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