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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In reacting like this to future FIL saying he wont come to our wedding?

195 replies

MesaLoca · 17/12/2008 15:53

I've told DP that I wont be going to visit his parents at xmas because I am so insulted and upset at DP's dad recently telling him that he doesn't think he can bring himself to come to our wedding as he doesn't consider it 'proper' and thinks DP is 'selling himself short' (this is all to do with religion). DP thinks I am being unreasonable in not going.

Me and DP have lived together 5 years. DD is 2, wedding is in May.

I have a short temper and know if I go at xmas I will end up in a row about this. They live 3 hours away so I can't just leave if it all blows up. I know I cannot go along and pretend everything is ok, I just am not that kind of even-tempered person.

I am gutted. How dare he do this, we were so looking forward to getting married

OP posts:
aGalChangedHerName · 17/12/2008 15:55

Why exactly is he not coming to the wedding?

nailpolish · 17/12/2008 15:56

who cares if he is at the wedding or not?
wedding are for the bruide and groom not the guests

have xmas at home - your dd will prefer it anyway

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 17/12/2008 15:56

I think you are absolutely right. I'd be the same.

Don't go at Christmas, it could end up in a row, but you do need to all sit down and talk about this at some point in the new year as it does need to be resolved.

Good luck

nailpolish · 17/12/2008 15:57

oh hi agal!

ScottishMummy · 17/12/2008 16:00

well you know what knowing you and fil have chemistry and will argue.best you dont go

he has made his mind up,publicly stated his disapproval best he doesnt come to wedding

but up to your dp if her goes,after all is his dad.dont try compete or force him to chose

jinglebongo · 17/12/2008 16:01

Is your dp upset at what his father has said? - i would want him to back me up. Has he said anything to his dad?

Original poster
MesaLoca · 17/12/2008 16:02

nailpolish, DP really cares if he is at the wedding or not and obviously i don't want the groom being all upset on our wedding day.

aGal, DPs family are devout catholics and don't believe in civil marriage (or something like that). The rest of the family have all had their say about us not marrying in a catholic church but he is the only one to say he wont come. He is heavily involved in the church and is headmaster of a church school so I think it is a matter of principal. I don't know for sure of his reasons as I don't feel I can have a conversation with him about it without getting extremely upset.

The thing is that DP actually sympathises a bit with his dad's point of view as he understands what his religion means to him. He thinks I should be like that too but being an atheist I just can't.

OP posts:
unavailable · 17/12/2008 16:03

No YANBU.
of course you feel insulted! Why on earth would they expect you to go and play happy families when they have that attitute towards you.

aGalChangedHerName · 17/12/2008 16:03

Hi NP only 3 days to meet up lol. I am sooo looking forward to a night out.

I would have been quite happy to not have anyone at my wedding. My DH and dc would have been fine tbh.

Have xmas at home,much easier and less stress. Tell DP to go by himself if he wants to tho.

ScottishMummy · 17/12/2008 16:04

i dont think it should come to back me up situation.people can and do compartmentalise.when op and fil can remain cordial in same room yes put a face on and remain serene.until then dont meet.but imo wrong to make dp state preference or back anyone up.dp should be able to see both of you.no forced is it me or him, who do you back

nailpolish · 17/12/2008 16:05

he doesnt sound very christian to me
are christians supposed to accept everyone no matter their differences?

if you dp is upset he needs to talk to his dad

aGalChangedHerName · 17/12/2008 16:05

Oh FGS the religion thing pisses me off. It is up to you and DP how and where you get married.

If your DP doesn't stand up to his dad now imagine how shit things will be when he is interfering in your dc's life/schooling and your Dh doesn't stick up for your decisions?

Original poster
MesaLoca · 17/12/2008 16:06

I have told DP to go with DD (it is only for tuesday and wednesday not for Xmas day) and I will stay at home. He thinks I am being nasty in doing this and we are not really speaking now

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 17/12/2008 16:08

if you know it will result in argy bargy then avoid.you are adults with divergent views.this may or may not resolve

dont get too confrontational.simply be avoidant.you dont have to see someone when there is mutual mistrust

nailpolish · 17/12/2008 16:09

christian people are supposed to be nice and loving and giving and caring people

maybe he shoud be reminded of this

just cos you go to church doesnt make uyou a 'good' person

argh

Original poster
MesaLoca · 17/12/2008 16:12

aGal that is how I feel about the whole religion thing which is why I think that a frank exchange of views should be avoided for risk of permanently creating an enemy.

I wouldn't ask DP to take sides. I do want him to sympathise with me though and speak up to his dad a bit.

We went through this a bit when we didn't get DD baptised, FIL was disgusted and still hassles DP about it. I didn't raise the subject of a naming ceremony because I knew DP's family prob wouldn't attend and I regret that so much now.

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 17/12/2008 16:12

maybe this isnt about christianity.maybe two strong willed adults neither of whom wishes to back down

wannaBe · 17/12/2008 16:12

tbh while I sympathize with how you feel I do think that by refusing to go with your dp to see them at Christmas you are creating a family divide.

At the end of the day, they are dp's family, and if you are getting married they are also going to become your family. And they are your dd's grandparents - what are you going to tell her as to why you're not going?

If you let this come between you and your dp then it will. And by telling him you wont go and see his family at Christmas you are essentially forcing him to choose.

If your fil is against the wedding then you need to make it clear that while you respect his religious views, you are not religious and that to you, standing in church and being married in the eyes of God is a bit hypocritical which is why you are having a civil seremony.

Have you clashed about other things before? Because if not I think that it would be a shame to destroy your relationship over this one issue.

Dropdeadfred · 17/12/2008 16:13

why not go up there with a viw to sorting this out?
perhaps if his dad really doesn't want to go the civil ceremony he may agre to just attend the party afterwards and treat it as a family party?
perhaps you could gently take him to one side and state that as a loving father you know that he willnot want to hurt his son and that although you don't mind if he doesn't come personally, you do love his son and you do not want to have him hurt....?

are you sooooo atheist that you couldn't consider having a 'religious' ceremony to keep dp and his family happy? ifreligion means nothing to you you could treat it as a 'gift' to your new family that you have a ceremony that they approve of then have a reception that you want afterwards?

aGalChangedHerName · 17/12/2008 16:14

Is your DP going to speak to his dad about his attitude to you/your wedding etc? I would expect my DP or DH to be sorting it out. If my future in-laws refused to come to my wedding over something as stupid as religion/what kind of ceremony i would be hard pushed to have anyhting to do with them i'm afraid.

Life is too short to put up with people like that. I have found that out the hard way

kitbit · 17/12/2008 16:14

As upsetting as it is, your dp needs to support you in this. FIL might be upset that you are not marrying the way that he would choose but it really isn't up to him. And if you don't want to marry in a church then doing so would only be for show and now for meaning. Does he really think that's better??

Anyway, it's not up to him. Make a calm but firm stand. Bullies often back down when you don't capitulate. And if he doesn't then it's his loss, and sadly your dp will need to find a way of resolving it.

And agree with agal, if he dictates over this, what will he do at a later date? I presume he is already planning to insist your dd goes to a catholic church school for example? What will he do if you refuse? Same things probably. Ad nauseam.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 17/12/2008 16:15

Is your DH "selling himself short" at being with you, or at having a civil ceremony?

Has FIL ever come to your house? Did you get your dd christened? If so did he come to that?

Seems odd that he would chose THIS to draw his line in the sand.

Unless he thinks you are not suitable, in which case I would be seriously annoyed indeed!!

Acinonyx · 17/12/2008 16:16

It's nothing to do with your being and atheist. What if you were another religioun - would he expet you to get married in a catholic church then too?

My parents were very religious fundy xians but even they came to my civil wedding - in fact mum organised it as I was overseas. She did bleat ever so slightly - but I was so old by then she was just relieved to see me have any kind of wedding to any mammals with most of its teeth and legs....

Don't think I'd want to go but I might for dp's sake - but probably not actually Xmas day.

wideratthehips · 17/12/2008 16:16

your being nasty.....but his father is reasonable not to come to wedding???

families are about give and take and why should you bother if hes not going to bother with one of the biggest days in his sons life?

nailpolish · 17/12/2008 16:17

i would rather have poked my eyes out with a hot poker than had even the tiniest bit of religion at my wedding

im with you there

your dp's dad needs to be aware he is upsetting his own son

why dont you ask them over to yours? say its cos you think dd will want to play with her new toys. then the ball is in his court

invite them for xmas day or boxing dy or whatever

and dont say its all been arranged - arrangements can be changed

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