In reacting like this to future FIL saying he wont come to our wedding?

[MesaLoca]

I've told DP that I wont be going to visit his parents at xmas because I am so insulted and upset at DP's dad recently telling him that he doesn't think he can bring himself to come to our wedding as he doesn't consider it 'proper' and thinks DP is 'selling himself short' (this is all to do with religion). DP thinks I am being unreasonable in not going.

Me and DP have lived together 5 years. DD is 2, wedding is in May.

I have a short temper and know if I go at xmas I will end up in a row about this. They live 3 hours away so I can't just leave if it all blows up. I know I cannot go along and pretend everything is ok, I just am not that kind of even-tempered person.

I am gutted. How dare he do this, we were so looking forward to getting married

Mesa, maybe he is really upset by this - and not doing it just to spite you. He sounds like he's quite frail. He's obviously not being kind to you, but then you're not being very kind to him, are you?

DandyLioness you sum up the situation better than i do, you are very intuitive.

I always wanted to elope but DP thought that would upset his family too much so we went and booked the wedding locally. Although I would still love to elope I would have to tell family and friends that our wedding is canceled which would be awful. I am guessing that we will decide that this is not the best option.

With regard to us not having a naming ceremony, we have decided that if we have another baby we will have a lovely humanist ceremony for both children and if DP's family don't attend then that is their choice

twitter, in what way am i not being kind?

It just strikes me that you're not trying to see his pov at all. And you said religion was fairy stories, but said you didn't know anything about it. If he knows you're that dismissive of his faith, which is clearly important to him - I would say that's unkind at worst, disrespectful at best.

But to be fair, it's Mesa's wedding, not his. He had his own wedding day, his way, and now it's her turn.

I don't think he's expected to pay for it or anything, just turn up and be nice to show love for his son at the very least. Not a tall order.

Whilst I wouldn't condone any belittling of his faith, or rowing about it (as I said earlier, turn up at Chrimbo and be grown up about it, prompting him to do the same)- I think it's so controlling of him, when he surely must understand that his son is a growm man who can make his own decisions...

I'm not suggesting she has a religious service - far from it.

I would talk to him, tell him I respected his faith and how important it was to him, understood that he must be disappointed and say that I felt it would be too hypocritical to wed in church when it wasn't what I or DP believed.

I think if Christmas goes peacefully this is what might well end up happening, here's hoping. Good luck Mesa.

Twitter I have never voiced my views on religion in front of him. What would be the point of that? I do not profess to know anything about religion but the things that people believe in sound like fairy stories to me. I don't believe you have to study religion inside and out before deciding to be an atheist. I am a scientist with faith in evidence and therefore find myself atheist. I have no idea if my FIL knows any of this, I suspect not. I would never say anything negative about someone's faith unless they did the same of mine, which he hasn't. So I don't see how my actions are unkind.

Thank you Lotster

Just spend the two daying talking about the lovely wedding you are going to have and completely bore them with all the detail - maybe then he will realise what he is missing out on.

Someone may have already said this as not read all 7 pages but anyway - for what its worth....

The catholic partner has several duties if they are raised and want to continue being a practising RC.

One of those would be to marry in church in the eyes of God - assuming he wants his marriage to be recognised by the church. If you have a civil marriage - he can at a later date have the marriage anulled (ie made not valid - never existed). I know this as I've done it.

The other would be to baptise his child in the church and to be responsible for raising his child in the catholic faith.

Now I am not saying what is right or wrong here - just explaining that a practising catholic has certain duties and that is possibly why your FIL is behaving the way he is. For us catholics getting married and having children are the 2 biggys in our lives. I had children outside of marriage and am divorced - so not exactly a shiny example - but when I met my DH I wanted to marry him in church all proper like because I loved him and wanted him to realise he was the one. Is your partner adament he doesn't want to marry in church? Presumeably you discussed it at length?

My DH is also atheist and so his feeling was seeing as it was all a load of pony to him - it was no skin off his nose to marry in my church. he also has agreed to baptising our children in the catholic faith because again - if they think its all crap they'll change their mind when they're older.

Is there any chance you could consider maybe meeting your catholic in laws half way? I know its not your way and they are being a little archaic in how they are putting their point across but it is important to them and as you don't think religion is important - would it really matter to you to humour them a little in some areas?

Her DP isn't a catholic! His parents are catholics and haven't accepted that he has free will.

hi Soory ahven't read all the replies so I might be repeating, however did read all of your comments so maybe not.

FIL has said this to his son, he is a very active member of the church and looked upto in the community as a head teacher of a faith school.....could it be more about the fact that he is disaapointed with HIS son turning his back on how he was raised and what his father always thought was going to happen. It probably wouldn't have matter which of his children were getting married first if they are all the same as your DP. In this case its not actually anything to do with you as such, its a father being disappointed in a son a son, although having tried, not being able to do anything about it!

Anyone who tries to pull the I'm not coming to your wedding thing needs a good talking too from someone else in the family, and to be reminded that the important thing is the two people getting married, no matter where or how.

Just realize that your partner is ALSO not catholic.

In that case, you should proceed as planned, and not care about who may or may not come.

The day is yours, your partners life is his own to live the way HE sees that he should, and not be a puppet of his father.

For what it is worth, intolerance is NOT really in the Christian Spririt (or at least it shouldnt be). One of my best friends is gay, his sister got pregnant before marriage. Their father is a priest, a well known and caring priest in his community. He embodies the Christian spirit of openmindednes, and is proud of his children for who they are and their achievements. It would be an OUTCRY in the community if he has pushed aside his gay son, and his pregnant daughter.

If your FIL does not find it in himself to accept his son for who and what he is, his absence on your wedding day should be the least of your worries. It is his loss.

Good Luck.

When we got married, it was in an Anglican church in "my" country, although my DH and all his family are v.v. Catholic (DH is German). I remember that after the wedding, we took the marriage certificate to the local Catholic priest in order to have the marriage "approved" and noted by the Catholic church. Without this, we would have been married in a civil sense only according to the Catholic Church, and DH would have had the possibility to annul the marriage and re-marry in a Catholic Church.

Now of course, he's "really" married, and there's no going back...

What I wanted to suggest was, if it didn't offend your principles, can you propose to your FIL that you get this subsequent Catholic "approval" of your marriage? Then you will be acknowledged as married in the Catholic sense, without any statements of belief on your part, no Catholic ceremony etc. You could argue that this shows that you respect his religion - and he can't be unhappy with it.

Although it's easy to say, I would suggest you still visit your DP's family. You are able to hold your tongue; imagine your are talking to a colleague, where simply sagely nodding your head with a knowing "mmm" to all rubbish is standard!

It's very sad that your FIL is taking this approach, sadly he's one of many parents who cut their noses off to spite their faces over weddings! At worst, just put it down to experience and let him get on with it. It would be a shame to let things escalate.

I have been married 3 times (to the same person I may add). It kept everyone happy. My brother suggested we also get a witch doctor to do a quick ceremony too just to be sure. Each one was different and very lovely - I was happy to go along to ensure that (especially the elderly relatives) everyone had a lovely memory of the wedding.

I also got more wear out of my wedding dress!

It does sound like he is either wanting to be begged to go (so that he could turn up and grumble a bit) or want you to change location to the church. It is your day and you need to be comfortable (and your fiancee too).

Registry weddings can be a little... well not quite as pretty as a lovely church. Our one was up a side street next to the co-op. Although the rules have changes now, haven't they so you can get married almost anywhere.

Oh - next time it'll have to be in a hot air balloon! Need to rustle out the dress... oh bugger, my mother sent it to Africa (don't quite know why but it was something to do with the vicar).

Another thought - as a Catholic, I would put it to him that it is his duty to be seen to support the state of marriage. Like we do with children, put the choice to him: civil marriage, or no marriage? As a Catholic, can he really prefer no marriage?

And since the Catholic church doesn't automatically recognise civil marriages, you can point out that your civil marriage doesn't preclude you from later marrying in a Catholic church, should you ever want to. My german SIL had two weddings, first the civil, then half a year later the Catholic one. I'm not suggesting your WOULD ever want the Catholic service, but perhaps your FIL should understand properly what it is he's objecting to!

Shiner The OP's partner is NOT Catholic.... why on earth should they get a Catholic 'approval of their marriage'? Just to please her bullying future FIL?

Your FIL doesn't sound very Christian to me. Christianity teaches forgiveness and humility: "judge not lest ye be judged".

He's behaving more like the Pharisees, puffed up with his own self-importance and more concerned about outward appearances than the contents of his heart.

Even leaving religion out of it (!), he is a bully who thinks he just has to stamp his feet and shout loud enough to force his son and future DIL to fall into line.

i'm confused......how can the child of so obviously devout parents not be catholic?....

Has the OPs partner stood up and admitted to all that actually he wishes to not be a catholic anymore and that he prefers another philosophy in his life?

Without that how can he expect his parents to react any differently? I mean if they think he is still as catholic as they are...
Does that make sense?

"mayorquimby So you don't think it's hypocritical that the FIL, despite his strong religious beliefs, felt he was able to attend his nephew's civil ceremony, but not his son's? "

no because his personal religious beliefs are not subject to my (or anyone elses) interpretation, only his. he may have felt detatched enough from the nephews ceremony to just grin and bear it. with his own son it may be different and he may feel that he can't stand by and pretend he is happy with it when he is not.or he may feel that paying lip service to a ceremony that he does not believe in would go against his religion,perhaps he had never given it as intense a religious examination when it was his nephew as he has now that it's his son and has come to this conclusion,i don't know. so if he feels that he can not attend on religious grounds i believe that should be respected and defended as forcefully as everyone is defending the op's right to not be bullied into having a catholic marraige to appease him. as i've said all along, the op shouldn't change her mind,she definitely should not pander to him as this is her and her husbands wedding and should be in line with what they think is appropriate according to their beliefs.but just as equally he should not be forced to attend something that he is uncomfortable with and goes against his beliefs.his religious stance should be respected just as much as they wish theirs to be respected.let him know what is happening and that it is his choice wether or not to come and they would love him to attend and if he can not that will disappoint them but it is unavoidable due to differing religious beliefs ont his occassion. and leave it at that, no long running feuds or boycotting of other family events.

"But it's very sad IMO that someone's religious beliefs mean that they're not able to support the one person who should mean the most to them in the world when they're able to support those who don't mean as much to them"

i'd agree with you completely there and i could never see myself acting in the same manner as the father. it is tragic that he will not attend his sons own wedding. but if it is his honestly held religious belief that he can not be there then so be it, i think that should be respected. i simply feel that in recent times it has become expected of traditional christian religious people to set aside their beliefs to accomodate others simply because the majority of christians are now quite relaxed with the religion (like myself) so others have become accustomed to it. and if they stick by their principles they are seen as forcing it down others throats or bullies.why should every religion not be given equal respect, so on the same grounds that these two people can not be married in a religious church the FIL can not attend a non-religious ceremony.as neither believe that the others solution is right.

"As I've said before, I think this is about more than him taking a relgious stance anyway, I think this is about him stamping his foot with the people he thinks he can get away with bullying."

and if that is the case that is deplorable. not only is he being spiteful to his son and daughter he is most definitely being hypocritical in using a religion that is all about love which he claims to have a strong belief in as a weapon and is only dishonouring his own beliefs .

whonickedmynickname: 'i'm confused......how can the child of so obviously devout parents not be catholic?....'

Perhaps because he has a mind of his own, can think for himself and make enlightened choices rather than following mindless dogma and being brainwashed...?

I have never heard such shit - his father is a devout catholic therefore he must be too - has he no choice in the matter?? Can he not make his own mind up which, if any religion he wants to follow.

Jeez, no wonder religion gets such bad press in my house!