In reacting like this to future FIL saying he wont come to our wedding?

[MesaLoca]

I've told DP that I wont be going to visit his parents at xmas because I am so insulted and upset at DP's dad recently telling him that he doesn't think he can bring himself to come to our wedding as he doesn't consider it 'proper' and thinks DP is 'selling himself short' (this is all to do with religion). DP thinks I am being unreasonable in not going.

Me and DP have lived together 5 years. DD is 2, wedding is in May.

I have a short temper and know if I go at xmas I will end up in a row about this. They live 3 hours away so I can't just leave if it all blows up. I know I cannot go along and pretend everything is ok, I just am not that kind of even-tempered person.

I am gutted. How dare he do this, we were so looking forward to getting married

Don't think it's anything to do with 2 strong willed people either. Your FIL sounds like a bully IMO.

Hope for your sake your DP isn't going to put up with it from them and take their side and not yours in future.

Get your DP to sort it out and stay out of it.

"The thing is that DP actually sympathises a bit with his dad's point of view as he understands what his religion means to him. He thinks I should be like that too but being an atheist I just can't."

yes you can. Being an Atheist doesn't mean you have to get rid of all sympathies towards other people just because of their religion.

Perhaps he is getting such anti-religious feeling from you that it makes HIM feel uncomfortable?

well the on thing i wouldnt do is sah alone with your dp and dd at theres

no way

why should you be alone for xmas

I am an Atheist too by the way.

Good idea from Np. Make them come to you at Christmas to see DP and DD.

Wise words from wannabe. By refusing to go along at Christmas you are setting yourself up to being the 'awkward' one. It's christmas for goodness sake...avoid the subject...DP will be so impressed at your maturity and compromise he'll naturally feel you are the reasonable one, FIL wont be able to point out how stroppy you are. Crikey, if you don't go it will be a miserable divided Christmas and you'll spoil it for DD. There are some of my DH's relatives that frankly a day out with them comes second in fun only to repeatedly stabbing yourself in the eyeball with a biro. However, I grit my teeth, smile sweetly and the brownie points I get for being so nice when DH knows how I secretly feel are immense! Play clever girl...or set up the biros!

I do think though that weddings can bring out the worst in people, esp families.

When I think of the rows we had over my wedding (starting with my mother demanding it be in her home town, followed by us saying we would get married abroad as dad had been made redundant, and then ILs saying we couldn't do that and they would pay which led to demands about who they would also like to invite and on and on and on), and although there was no threat of people not attending I do think that it's a time when emotions run high for some reason.

And while it is your wedding, generally parents see it as the only chance to see their children get married (although in the modern day world this is often not the case), and they try to plan the wedding they want their children to have, losing sight of the fact that it is in fact their children's day and not their's.

I think DP is being unreasonable by not seeing how insulted and upset you quite rightly are. I understand that his father is disappointed you have not decided to get married within the church considering his own personal views HOWEVER, that does not give him the right to be so damn unchristian in how he deals with that disappointment. I would expect DP to stand up for you and be annoyed with his father on your behalf. As for Christmas, I would say that you will attend the family Christmas event and behave yourself if DP?s father will agree to attend the wedding and behave himself. Why on earth should you compromise and bite your tongue when nobody is challenging him to compromise and behave like a grown up?
I think you should talk to DP more about this and get the wedding issue resolved one way or another before Christmas. Otherwise it will cause a lot of ill feeling and possible permanent rifts in the family. I wonder if DP told his father that he is very hurt by his decision and asks him to reconsider for just a couple of hours out of his life and attend this event as it means so much to him? If appealing to him directly fails, then he is the one losing out.

My mil made noises about dh and I not getting married in a church. Fil even suggested that he would phone the vicar of his local church so we didn't have to do it. Luckily dh had the balls to stand up to his parents. If it had been me I would have withered in a heap and just gone with what they wanted. Similarly mil is none to pleased that none of her 7 grandchildren are christened but luckily dh's brother and sister had to cope with that one first.

But having said that, I do get on with my parents in law and they are fab people. We stay with them when we go home to Scotland and have been on holidays etc with them lots of time.

Good luck

it reads as if MesaLoca is capeable of asserting her wishes.she isnt being bullied or coerced or into submission. she didnt acquiesce to a faith baptism either

two different points of view.her aethiest.her FIL is RC

these points just dont match .

fair enough that she doesnt go.
dont read bullying, in fact she says she makes no pretence and is hot tempered,that dont read like bullying unless she is yet to reveal more facts

just a thought - is your dp religious?

Because if so is it possible he actually feels a bit the same as your fil but cannot say so as he doesn't want to upset you?

Maybe your dp would actually like to get married in church in the eyes of God?

I have never argued with future FIL he is quite old and sensitive and gets v upset easily. We get along fine, I know his views but haven't had cause to be upset by them until now.

By not coming he is directly affecting our wedding, even if I would rather him not come. There will be none-stop fuss from now until then as DP has a massive family and they will all want to know what's going on.

DP is not a catholic. He stopped church years ago but his dad was in denial about it until we told him that DD wasn't being baptised. I do feel that this is a little bit about his dad 'getting back' at him for lapsing and not baptising DD.

There is no way we are having a catholic wedding, we don't want it and also we are not allowed because of DD being unbaptised and us both being non-believers.

Wannabe I agree this will cause a family divide which is why I am so unsure of what to do. I think going along will make it worse. Wouldn't be so bad if they didn't live so bloody far away.

but by the op sending her dp and dd to his parents over Christmas she is sending out the message that she doesn't want anything to do with them.

It is the op who is then sending out the message that they are not a united front on this. And once you do this once how do you come back from it? And what do you tell the children - maybe the op's dd is only young but one day she will be older and will want to know why mummy doesn't go to see granny and Grandad.

One of you has to be the bigger person.

About 5 years ago me and my fil had a massive falling out. It was as a result of a row me/dh/sil/bil had about ds, and in me trying to put things right I inadvertently made things worse as Fil took the opportunity to tell me what he thought of me. Some very hurtful things were said, including that I was a bad mother and that he thought the way I was bringing up my ds was harmful to him (sahm, daring to pick up my baby when he cried ). Following the row I was naturally very upset, and initially I said that I didn't want anything to do with them. However they are dh's parents and they are ds' grandparents, and I wasn't going to throw my toys out of the pram and sulk, and i refused to leave my own home if they came to visit.

After that row fil didn't speak to me for two years. Literally. He would come to my house and wouldn't speak to me (and they would be staying over night). But I still never stooped to his level - I went out of my way to be hospitable as always - one of us had to be the adult and it certainly wasn't him.

The row has never since been brought up, but it just happened that he started talking to me again, whether that be because he realized he wasn't achieving anything or whether mil told him to get a grip I don't know. But we are all on good terms again, and although deep down I don't think he nhinks the world of me I think he probably has more respect for me now because I didn't use the row to create a family rift between him and my dh/ds (and I could easily have done).

Unless someone is blatantly evil, (and tbh I think a disagreement over religion isn't intentional nastyness, it's just a strong difference in views), I think that people should make the effort to get on especially where you share a family member, ie dh/dc.

Do you ever talk to your FIL about religion?

It is only for the 2 days before Xmas, not Xmas day itself so is not such a massive deal . Xmas day will be spent just the 3 of us at home but that might well be spoilt if I don't go and visit DP's family as DP will be cross.

I wish I was calm and mature enough to go along and bight my tongue. Anyone know of any good techniques? I can't help myself opening my big gob and speaking my mind

I haven't mentioned that DP will be the first of 6 children to get married. All others cohabiting, one has 2 kids by 2 men not the one she lives with. This makes it harder for me to see why he chooses now to make a stand on this.

As far as the wedding goes I would just be saying, 'that's a real shame, we really wanted you to come and we are sad you won't ' and leave it at that...no more attention, no drama...end of story. His descision...like a teen going for the drama and attention card. Why make it into such a big deal...leave them to sort it out. As long as you've made it clear it's not your doing and he is very much invited what more can you do. Stop giving him the big attention thing.

I agree with wannabe and Sallyallyally
This is the family you are marrying into, your dd's family
You have to go, bite your tongue for your dp and dd's sake
If I did my own thing I'd never go to my inlaws but I know I married dh knowing he came with a family

beanieb - no. I have no religion so don't know much about it. It all sounds like fairy stories to me and I know religious people don't want to hear this so I don't volunteer it

DP has just come in and walked past me with a grumpy face on him. I should give in and go shouldn't I?

FWIW i wouldn't go if you think you may explode. That would make it worse IMO.

I married DH knowing he had a family but that doesn't mean i have to put up with rude or ignorant people. Why should i??

DH's family are eejits and i only see them out of politness etc but if if his family had done this to me DH would not hold it against me if i chose not to see his family.

I think it is up to your DP to sort it out before you go on a visit. You are the mother of his granddaughter and will be DIL so there is no point in ignoring it. Can't DP get the parish priest to talk to his father about Christian attitudes, love thy neighbour, forgiveness etc?