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AIBU?

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Original poster

In reacting like this to future FIL saying he wont come to our wedding?

195 replies

MesaLoca · 17/12/2008 15:53

I've told DP that I wont be going to visit his parents at xmas because I am so insulted and upset at DP's dad recently telling him that he doesn't think he can bring himself to come to our wedding as he doesn't consider it 'proper' and thinks DP is 'selling himself short' (this is all to do with religion). DP thinks I am being unreasonable in not going.

Me and DP have lived together 5 years. DD is 2, wedding is in May.

I have a short temper and know if I go at xmas I will end up in a row about this. They live 3 hours away so I can't just leave if it all blows up. I know I cannot go along and pretend everything is ok, I just am not that kind of even-tempered person.

I am gutted. How dare he do this, we were so looking forward to getting married

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 17/12/2008 17:43

Has DP tried asking him if he wants you both to lie in the face of his God?
I would tell him that he is putting you in an impossible situation because you are unable to make promises you don't mean. Ask he if wants you to split up so that his granddaughter suffers? The whole thing is silly,DP isn't a practicing Catholic, DD isn't being brought up in the church-if you don't get married it won't solve anything or change anything. Perhaps the priest could make him see that his attitude is not going to bring 3 people to the church!

valleysprincess · 17/12/2008 18:14

Why don't you stop being so stubbon and get married in a church. You're not properly married unless you do

Lotster · 17/12/2008 18:24

got to be a joke?

IAmNotHere · 17/12/2008 18:28

lol valleysprincess

I rather like the idea of an improper marriage.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 17/12/2008 18:29

Ooooo I've been improperly married for 3 and a half years........ LMAO!

ScottishMummy · 17/12/2008 18:30

LOL yes i thought that too.so much more VaVaVoom than a proper wife.sounds like fun

valleysprincess · 17/12/2008 18:55

No but honestly. I don't see the point of these registry office do's, it's just a legal thing isnt it? May as well just go and sign some papers in your soliciors office & save the money.

Lotster · 17/12/2008 19:03

Well, the point is I suppose wanting to commit your life to someone, but feeling a hypocrite if you take religious vows you don't believe in.

Or in my case, not being able to get married in the CoE church because the parish was small and had very strict rules about length of residency before they'd let us. Even people who had grown up there and moved away were refused...

Original poster
MesaLoca · 17/12/2008 19:04

valleysprincess we are not permitted to marry in a church. We have a daughter and want things to be legal for all our sakes in case something happens to either of us. We also want a celebration of our commitment to each other (as yuck as that might sound).

Wannabe I would not go to mass as a leisure activity but I would go if it were important to someone dear to me. However, FIL has just been to his nephew's hotel wedding and enjoyed it. He can't come to our's though

OP posts:
valleysprincess · 17/12/2008 19:07

OK i'll be less abraisive . In the Catholic Church the rite of marriage is very important. The Church does not recognise civil marriage as being the same thing. To Catholics a marriage must be done in sight to God and performed by one of his representatives-otherwise you are just not married (sorry). That's how FIL see's it. I'm sure he wanted the best for his son and the best as far as he sees it is a Catholic marriage-although i'm sure any sort of Christian marriage would be a lesser evil that a civil job.

The reason the family are upset is that to Catholics (and other Christians). Sex outside of marriage is classed as fornication and that is a sin. While that may be able to put up with you shagging whilst not being married-lots of Catholics turn a blind eye:-the idea of raising children outside of the marriage rites they would see as very wrong.

Just to warn you-you will have even more of an issue with your dp's family if you decide not to baptise your children.

Weddings, civil and religious are about family IMHO. When I said you were being stubbon for the sake of it I meant it. How can it hurt to get married in a church? Is it worth upsetting so many people just to make your stand?

It's all about compromise this marriage business isnt it? Can't you compromise on this?

valleysprincess · 17/12/2008 19:09

Sorry Mesaloca-we cross posted!

Why arnt you permitted? Lots of Churches will marry divorcees now.

Unless.....you're not both men are you?

valleysprincess · 17/12/2008 19:10

If all else fails you could always kick FIL in the arse

Original poster
MesaLoca · 17/12/2008 19:16

DD not baptised valleysprincess, and both of us are non-believers. Priest said he would need to get permission from the bishop to marry a non-catholic (me) and the bishop would only say yes if we baptised DD and DP started church again.

OP posts:
noonki · 17/12/2008 19:27

valley - why would a non-believer want to marry in a church?

My wonderful marriage has absolutley nothing to do with religion as I am an atheist and my DP is agnostic.

Getting married meant a lot to the both of us. as it did to our family and children.

Mesa - i think the mediation idea is a good one, he will be your FIL forever.

My friend married in a registry office, to the horror of her PIL. As a compromise her father gave a religious reading at the reception (not allowed at the RO).

ScottishMummy · 17/12/2008 19:38

valleyP what do you mean
"any sort of Christian marriage would be a lesser evil than a civil job" do you see gradients of marriage from proper to improper

i always think the point of marriage is the harmonious union and solidarity of two adults (gay or heterosexual)to be supportive together.imo that really matters

given that op says that she and dh are non-believers a RC wedding is out of the question

piscesmoon · 17/12/2008 20:57

I am amazed that anyone would make vows in a church when the whole thing is a sham. I can see in the past that people did it to get a nice setting, but that doesn't apply any longer. It was important to me, to make them in front of God but, unless my DSs have a huge change, I don't think they will have church weddings. I will respect their choice.
I find it worrying that your FIL knows how you feel and he thinks telling lies is better than the truth. He is very inflexible to be in a position of authority in a Catholic school. I think that he is urgently in need of a chat with his priest.

Acinonyx · 17/12/2008 21:17

Nothing, absolutely nothing, would induce me to take any kind of religious marriage vows. That is as repugnant to an atheist as a 'purely legal' ceremony would be to a xian.

I also married into a catholic family but they have not said much - probably as dh has been divorced already ....

deste · 17/12/2008 21:18

Have you considered getting married abroad. Just the two of you. Tell them when you get back.

piscesmoon · 17/12/2008 21:31

I know a couple who went out for the day last month, to a lovely town with just their DC and got married with witnesses off the street. They had a lovely day and no one was missed out as there were no guests so no one could feel jealous. Then plan a big party afterwards and invite everyone ,and leave it up to them whether they attend.

edam · 17/12/2008 21:31

Your FIL is clearly a nasty bully who has completely forgotten what the Gospels are all about. VERY aggressive to say 'do it my way or I won't come'.

Yes, I know a church wedding is very important to SOME catholics or members of other religions, but you can't actually demand that people who aren't followers of your religion obey your commands.

My dad had the right idea, went off and joined the Communist party and told his mother 'I'm not coming to mass ever again, it's all just a fairy story'. Although word of warning, it didn't stop her trying to convert me on the sly when I was just a little girl!

abbierhodes · 17/12/2008 21:51

Valley's princess, when you marry in a catholic church, you have to make a vow that you will raise your children in tht faith. If you are a non believer, you cannot make this vow, and you cannot be married. So yes, it would 'hurt' for the OP to marry in a church. As a catholic myself I find it insulting that some people use the church as a pretty venue when they do not believe.

OP, would this point help your FIL to undestand your way of thinking? To marry in a church when you don't believe would be disrespectful for all concerned.
Also, would you consent to a blessing after the official ceremony? (Even perhaps on a different day, so your wedding day would be as you wanted) This might be a compromise worth considering. As I understand it, a blessing is something bestowed upon you, so you would not be expected to make vows you didn't agree with.

abbierhodes · 17/12/2008 21:54

Acynonix, I am very insulted by your use of the term xian. I am a christian. Do you have a similarly dismissive term for muslims and Jews? [angry}

Acinonyx · 17/12/2008 22:02

It's a commonly used term. Sorry if you don't like it [poking out tongue emoticon]

abbierhodes · 17/12/2008 22:06

Well I've never come across it before. And however commonly used it may be, it is insulting.

valleysprincess · 17/12/2008 22:08

ScottishMummy
As a Catholic I believe that the Catholic Church is the one true church (ahhh don't I just sound like a religious cliche! x)

However all of the other Christian churches;- like us, have Jesus as the central pillar and therefore, I believe that marriage in ANY Christian church as being a good thing but yes obviously, i feel that a marriage in the Catholic Church is best.

I see a civil marriage as not being a 'marriage' but a legal and romantic agreement between two peoples.

To address your last point. Yes a non-believer can marry a catholic believer in a catholic church as long as they agree to bring their children up catholic.