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AIBU?

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Original poster

In reacting like this to future FIL saying he wont come to our wedding?

195 replies

MesaLoca · 17/12/2008 15:53

I've told DP that I wont be going to visit his parents at xmas because I am so insulted and upset at DP's dad recently telling him that he doesn't think he can bring himself to come to our wedding as he doesn't consider it 'proper' and thinks DP is 'selling himself short' (this is all to do with religion). DP thinks I am being unreasonable in not going.

Me and DP have lived together 5 years. DD is 2, wedding is in May.

I have a short temper and know if I go at xmas I will end up in a row about this. They live 3 hours away so I can't just leave if it all blows up. I know I cannot go along and pretend everything is ok, I just am not that kind of even-tempered person.

I am gutted. How dare he do this, we were so looking forward to getting married

OP posts:
beanieb · 17/12/2008 16:50

so is it a case of him ranting at you and you not saying anything back?

Perhaps if he starts you need to prepare a non threatening response. Something where you explain that you respect his point of view for himself and would hope that he would try to respect yours? That you are very proud and happy to be becoming a part of his family through marriage and that ou would never want your differing opinions to cause a divide, particularly not between him and his son and so you would like to reach a point where the respect can flow both ways .

maybe?

Grammaticus · 17/12/2008 16:50

Mesa - I have a FIL like this, though I am a Christian and not an atheist like you. I am C of E, not Catholic. For us, the issue came not with our (C of E church) wedding, proably because my parents paid for it, but with DS1s christening which FIL and MIL initially said they wouldn't come to. They did in the end, having put a lot of pressure on DH and refused to discuss things with me.

A lot of it is about control, I think. The other posters are right, you have to go and you have to be civil. Don't talk about the wedding. Don't drink! And have a good rant to a friend to "get it off your chest" a bit before you go.

This man will be part of your family for the rest of your life, you can't start a feud now. Go, be civil, then the ball is in his court!

aGalChangedHerName · 17/12/2008 16:52

There are sooo many posts on MN from women saying their DP/DH is siding with his family over his DP/DW.

It's not right is it? My DH has always taken my side and stuck up for me as i have for him.

Start as you mean to go on!!

LiffeyCanSpellGeansaiNollaig · 17/12/2008 16:52

It's sad but not your fault.

Refusing to go to somebody's wedding, your own child's! is one of the most confrontational passive aggressive gestures imagineable!

Accept that how things LOOK matter to this man more than how things ARE!

Have a lovely wedding day and try hard not to let this upset you.

If you don't argue with him, and don't evern TRY to reason with him, then I'm sure he'll come to regret this, and he'll have to live with that.

sunnygirl1412 · 17/12/2008 16:55

Would it make your dp happy if you went, MesaLoca? He's probably feeling very torn between you and his father as he can probably understand both sides of the issue better than anyone else.

If I were you, I'd go, and do as ThePregnantMerryYuleWitch suggests - and deflect any discussion. If this doesn't work, just say, 'Dp would love to have you at our wedding, please come for his sake.'

piscesmoon · 17/12/2008 16:56

I think you should start as you mean to go on. If you don't get it sorted it will be a problem for evermore. Could you not all have a meeting with the parish priest? I have to say that I have no experience of the Catholic church but surely they have to take the Christian way?

DandyLioness · 17/12/2008 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

beanieb · 17/12/2008 17:00

You say "I've told DP that I wont be going to visit his parents at xmas because I am so insulted and upset at DP's dad recently telling him that he doesn't think he can bring himself to come to our wedding as he doesn't consider it 'proper' and thinks DP is 'selling himself short' (this is all to do with religion). DP thinks I am being unreasonable in not going."

Are you really going to do this?
Now that you have said you won't go will you be happy for your OH and kids to go without you or have you not given him this option?

wannaBe · 17/12/2008 17:01

But is this siding with one side or the other though?

Fil has said he doesn't want to come to the wedding because it's not a catholic wedding (in his eyes it probably isn't a proper wedding at all).

This can be discussed, but instead of wanting to discuss it the op is refusing to even be in the same room as her future fil. Not because she's being intimidated, but because she doesn't trust herself to start a family row.

If my parents had said something that dh didn't like and his reaction was to simply have nothing more to do with them, I would be pretty pissed off tbh.

The op's dp wants her to go. he clearly doesn't want to be caught in the middle of his dp and his family, but it is the op who is choosing to start a family fude over this, and if she doesn't go then it will cause a lot of bad feeling.

Now the op's dp can tell his family how they feel about their wedding, but just because he's with the op now doesn't mean he has to see everything from her pov and that he can't see things from his family's pov too. Marrying someone doesn't mean you disown your family and refuse to take their opinions into consideration.

Original poster
MesaLoca · 17/12/2008 17:05

SFTSM that is so awful for your mum. What a thing to say to someone who has lost a child. My dad didn't speak to his dad until I was 30 because he abused his mum (my granny) so I know what being in a divided family is like and it isn't nice but didn't particularly affect me as I understood his reasons.

DanyLioness you speak wise words. Unfortunately FIL is old but a bit childish and I think that if DP makes a stand like that he will dig his heals in. Also, it may make some of DP's family sympathise with 'poor' FIL and decide not to come as well.

piscesmoon the idea about the priest is excellent. DP doesn't know him but maybe he could find a way to contact him... or maybe FIl would be humiliated, I don't know.

beanieb l told DP this last time they met, he would never rant at me about it, arguments make him very stressed and his family go to great lengths not to upset him. Since he found out we were not marrying in a church he has not mentioned the wedding to me at all.

OP posts:
beanieb · 17/12/2008 17:07

No - but I mean will you stay at home and let your OH and kids go to their grandparent's house for xmas? Or asre you asking your husband to 'choose'?

StephanieByng · 17/12/2008 17:07

I don't see how this is an issue - your DP is a non believer, he doesn't want and isn't qualified for a catholic wedding; it's not an issue for you to get so angry about IMO. You and your DP simply need to say graciously that you're so sorry he won't be there but you totally respect his reasons.

I mean, what is the alternative? No good your DP being upset about it really, because it's his belief (or lack of it) that is creating the situation as well as yours, isn't it?

DandyLioness · 17/12/2008 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon · 17/12/2008 17:12

I just think you could do with an outsider to mediate. I would be very surprised if a priest would agree with the emotional blackmail of staying away from a wedding, especially as you already have a child.
It is pure guess work, but I would have thought that he would have said that if FIL leads by example, with tolerance,loving kindness etc then you are more likely to be converted that his stone wall approach-but that he will have to bear in mind that you may never be converted. Perhaps DP could just contact the priest and ask for advice in the first instance.

wannaBe · 17/12/2008 17:16

ah, so fil has said this to dp and hasn't actually said anything to you, and you say he wouldn't say anything to you?

So this isn't a case of dp needing to stand up for you then really is it?

If you refuse to go then it is you who is starting the family fude, over something which hasn't been said to you directly.

Sorry but based on that I think yabu.

Original poster
MesaLoca · 17/12/2008 17:18

beanieb I don't mind DP and DD going alone. They will be back on Xmas eve night. I really can't bear the thought of looking at the man, I know I will want to have it out with him. I do realise though that the best thing would probably be to go and be nice to him.

Wannabe, I feel very insulted by him telling DP he wont go to our wedding. If I see him I will want to talk to him about it but I know from experience that he will get very upset if I tell him how I feel and the whole (big) family will tell me to stop upsetting him and he will get put to bed feeling ill from the 'attack'. I have seen this happen before over lesser issues. He is quite fragile and the family walk on eggshells not to cause upset.

OP posts:
gabygirl · 17/12/2008 17:20

Personally I think you should show him what Christian forgiveness and tolerance is all about - even if you're an atheist.

Go to see them at Christmas. Be gracious.

Say to him that you're disappointed he's not coming, but you understand that like you, he feels he needs to act on principle and according to conscience.

You will win the admiration of everyone - especially your DP, and you will wrong foot your FIL at the same time.

wannaBe · 17/12/2008 17:21

when is this wedding?

Original poster
MesaLoca · 17/12/2008 17:21

Wannabe it hasn't been said to me directly but it directly affects me as it is my wedding. He knows DP would tell me about it.

OP posts:
StephanieByng · 17/12/2008 17:24

I agree you should be gracious about it. He doesn't want to come; fine. You can't make him want to come. Accept his decision graciously; you can't do anything about it.

Have a fantastic wedding. He will be the loser. If you make problems/issues about it he won't ever see that's because he is being unreasonable; he will just see it as confirmation that you are a trouble maker!

Don't play into his hands.

Lotster · 17/12/2008 17:26

Hi Mesa,

At the end of the day, it's wedding tradition that it is the bride's prerogative to marry in her own church (or nowadays, where she chooses)

My husband was the first of his siblings to have a non-catholic wedding, we had a civil service. According to my sisters-in-law, the bride's prerogative was the reason we "got away with it" (coupled with the parents mellowing with age I think too!)

My MIL actually came up to me at the end of the ceremony and said she was surprised how lovely it was, with it being all about us, and love, (as opposed to all the liturgy you get in chirch I assume).

Re: Christmas day, is there any way you could rise above it and be the better person? Going along and keeping things calm and pleasant for your partner's sake should set a good example for his parents to follow...

StayFrostyTheSnowMam · 17/12/2008 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MesaLoca · 17/12/2008 17:29

It is in May. We are just starting to arrange the entertainment and cars etc but since FIL's announcement we haven't had as much enthusiasm.

I am going to talk to DP about this now. I will suggest he phones his mum and talks to her about it first, that way he avoids directly upsetting his dad and lets her know how we feel. I will think about going and ways that I can stay calm and keep my mouth shut.

Thanks to you all for your thoughts. I am being a bit unreasonable I think but so is my future FIL.

OP posts:
Original poster
MesaLoca · 17/12/2008 17:32

Lotser that is very handy to know about the brides perogative thing. Also, FIL went to his nephew's wedding in a hotel this summer and really enjoyed it. Principals hey?

OP posts:
wannaBe · 17/12/2008 17:34

but in reality he is not insulting you as a person.

He feels that he cannot attend the wedding because in his eyes he will be giving his blessing to a marriage that to him is not a marriage. It's a religious thing not a personal thing.

If you were invited say to midnight mass by him would you go? given you are an atheist? Essentially it amounts to the same thing.

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