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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A difficult one.

223 replies

NoGoodAtCleaning · 14/12/2008 22:07

Ok so this is a MIL thread but not a bashing one. And I am looking for genuine answers as to if she's being awkward or I'm being over senstive.

MIL is all about her, and she expects us to take DS (8 mo) to her but she won't come and see him. We begged her to come to ours on xmas day so she can see his prezzies, we can give her her prezzies, and I'm going to make them bacon butties and croissants and things. She wanted us to meet her in the pub with all DP's family, but we don't take DS to pubs and we are going to my mum's for lunch.

Anyway, she was really annoyed and said she wouldn't come. DP asked her a lot of times and in the end she agreed, begrudgingly.

He explained that although DS is a baby and doesn't know his arse from his elbow yet, we want to start our xmases as we mean to go on so that everyone gets the jist. She expected us to take DS (and some of his prezzies) to hers first thing xmas morning so that he could open his prezzies with her, and she could give him the present she had bought him. We want to spend our 1st xmas morning as a family in our new home, which is practically santas grotto, while DS opens all of his prezzies.

My family have given us DS's prezzies, with all the tags marked 'love from Santa', so that he's got them, from Santa, on xmas morning.

We explained this to DP's family and asked them to do the same. Most of his family were happy to do so. However, SIL has refused and said she will give him his prezzie on xmas day, in the pub, which we are not going to.

MIL threw a paddy but agreed. She rang and asked us to go to hers tonight so we went over and she had some prezzies for the baby. DP said something about them being from Santa and she said 'no, they're from me. I bought them. The tag says they're from me, and it'll say they're from me every year, same as it does for every other child. I paid for the presents so he'll know they're from me.'

SIL said 'well he isn't having my present until xmas day' and MIL said 'that's what I should have done' and glared at me. She also told us we have to wait until DP has gone to pick her up(she couldn't possibly drive over, get a taxi, or walk on xmas day- she has a car) before DS opens his presents.

She's been really horrible.

She had DS today and we left him there a few hours because she's always moaning we don't let her have him enough and when we arrived she kept calling us 'strangers' over and over again as we hadn't gone earlier to pick the baby up.

The other things is that she's bought SIL a games console for xmas, and loads of other presents, and she's bought SIL's boyfriend lots of presents. Then she's bought DP lots of presents and the same games console as SIL but she's not got me any presents as she said the games console is between DP and I. Yet I spent lots on her, and really thought the presents out as she's high maintenance.

Does she not like me or am I being oversensitive?

I've got to admit, if I think of other details, I may add them as I go along, but I think this is the lot. I know everyone hates a drip feeder, but I forget things!

OP posts:
moondog · 14/12/2008 22:09

I think you think too much.
Go to the pub for an hour for God's sake you miserable sod.IOt's not as if they are full of smoke anymore.

themoon66 · 14/12/2008 22:10

I think it's bloody odd to open xmas presents in the pub

NoGoodAtCleaning · 14/12/2008 22:14

Moondog- what about when he's five and he knows that he has to go to them for his prezzies from them? My family have bought him loads more than them but they're happy to let him think they're from santa rather than have to take the credit for it. I don't think he's got too much chance of believing in santa when it comes to them.

OP posts:
TheChristmasArmadillo · 14/12/2008 22:14

I think you are being almost as bad as her in the xmas traditions things.

Both of you have been stroppy, and fair enough that you want to start your own family traditions, but you are expecting her to give up all of her family traditions to comply with yours. Compromise on both sides is needed I think.

Also I personally think it is very rude to insist that they label all their christmas presents from santa. They are probably excited about giving him presents and want to see him open them and know they are from them (ok, more so in the future than now). I'm guessing your family are fine with it as this is probably similar to what you grew up with, but to someone who hasn't it does seem rude. I.e. we'll take any presents you offer, but we won't tell our child who they are from or get him to give any thanks for them.

I think you need to sit back and start again and work towards a compromise with your MIL.

moondog · 14/12/2008 22:15

First baby right?
KIDS don't give a flying fart who presents are from,really they don't.
Pub sounds great to me,all jolly with nonone having to play host and feeling resentful.
Mine's a G&T please!

Quattrocento · 14/12/2008 22:16

Sounds like a storm in a teacup to me ...

moondog · 14/12/2008 22:16

Father Christmas brings one big thing and some little stuff ino ur house.Everything else is from family and friends.

loobeylou · 14/12/2008 22:17

so you want ALL the presents to be labelled from Santa, even tho child is only a baby?

She is BU wanting you to go pub and not accepting your invite for Xmas day,

but YABU wanting ALL the gifts to be from Santa.Why should she agree to that? Can see this causing all sorts of probs when child is older TBH. Are there other grandkids? how will you explain to your DC that granny did not get them a gift but cousins did get, how will your DC ever learn to thank people if its all from the anonymous FC, and how will you kerb their expectations of huge amounts of presents (cos FC has unlimited cash) when they are older??

sorry, but never heard of anyone else do this ever, can't see why you want to, and the child is 8 mo, so knows nowt anyway!!

moondog · 14/12/2008 22:17

Yes, ridiculous to tell them they have to label presents from 'Santa'.

TheChristmasArmadillo · 14/12/2008 22:17

PLenty of kids believe in FC but only think the presents in their stockings are from him.

I didn't know about this bizarre ritual of giving all presents from FC until adulthood - yet growing up all the kids believed in FC.

I really do think it is very rude and ungrateful towards the people giving. And half the fun of giving is seeing people open what you have chosen. That is the main excitment for alot if not most people. To take that away takes away most of hte joy of giving presents tbh.

moondog · 14/12/2008 22:18

And you seem fixated on who has bought the most. Eh???

SparklyBaubleFeast · 14/12/2008 22:18

let her have the prsents from her.
your baby is 8 months old?
you have years and years to be pressured about x mas. baby won't notice a thing at that age - well not much -- it will be all hyped up and end in tears,
if they havent started already.
chill.

Clayhead · 14/12/2008 22:18

'My family have bought him loads more than them'

Quite a telling statement, which seems very resentful. It's not all in the money spent, y'know!

I don't get the from Santa thing either, it doesn't seem to really matter!

HarktheheraldAnglepoise · 14/12/2008 22:19

YANBU to want to spend Christmas morning together as a family.

YABU to expect the whole family to say that all your son's presents are from Santa - I don't blame your MIL for wanting to say they are from her or for wanting to watch him open them (surely that is half the pleasure of gift-giving?).

YAB a bit U with the start as we mean to go on thing, but can kind of understand it.

Don't know about the presents.

How far away is the pub? Also don't understand your objection to pubs now that they're not smoky.

NoGoodAtCleaning · 14/12/2008 22:19

Ok maybe I've just been brought up in a bubble. I've never heard of PEOPLE giving kids prezzies at xmas, just santa does. It's this way for everyone I know/grew up with.

I guess other people arn't this way?

OP posts:
goldilocksandmylittlebear · 14/12/2008 22:19

A pub! Tell your MIL to sod off. Do what you and your DP want to, what's ever best for your baby.

TheChristmasArmadillo · 14/12/2008 22:19

I'd forgotten about the no smoking in pubs now - in which case you are being completely unreasonable in not taking him at all. Smoking was the only reason not to take them imo.

Surely an hour out of the day won't hurt.

SparklyBaubleFeast · 14/12/2008 22:20

and all this business about mil buying presents for your dp and yoru sil.
grow up!

Gorionine · 14/12/2008 22:20

I think you should relax,(I am not having a go) you seem to be nit picking a bit. Your Baby is 8months old if I understood correctly, why does it matter so much wheather it is written from Santa or from Grandma he is not going to read it.

jollyoldstnickschick · 14/12/2008 22:20

I think you are being a but pfb - gifts from other people are from other people not santa- thats your job!!

let your ds know that auntie beryl loves him so much she bought him xyz for xms nd when hes a bit older he can do thankyou cards for them.

Your mil might be a bit high maintenance/hard to plese but shes your dhs mum and god forgive me its christmas -go to the pub share other peoples traditions bcos believe me Christmas with no families popping in and out can be lonely.

Dont get hung up on what she buys you just go with it- if shes barmy what can you do??

One day you too will be a mil.

NoGoodAtCleaning · 14/12/2008 22:21

The pub is a definate no-no. DP's family are big drinkers, they go to the dossiest pub in town, and drink stupid amounts until they're falling down drunk and fighting. Do not want my baby around this That's a personal choice for DP and I.

OP posts:
moondog · 14/12/2008 22:21

Also ,think how MIL feels. You are going to your family's house for lunch, but can't spare an hour or so to be with your dp's family. Very mean.
You should thank your lucky stars your baby has a family who want to be with him.

pooka · 14/12/2008 22:21

I really disagree with friends and family having to pretend that their presents are from Father Christmas.

DD is 5 and believes like crazy, as does ds who is 3. They have some presents from Father Christmas, including stocking. Bought by us. Then I tend to give them each something that is marked as being from us as parents.

Everyone else gives presents from themselves.

Fair enough if you want to give presents as if they are from FC. But why deny other people the pleasure of giving their own presents from themselves?

Also, how do you explain (or rather, how will you) presents from you to your dh. From your dh to you. From your ds to your DH and so on?

Children are perfectly capable of believing that Father Christmas exists, and maybe leaves their stocking and a big present, but that everyone enjoys presents so much that they all get involved.

seeker · 14/12/2008 22:21

I presents should come from Santa apart for am few provided by the parents. Why shouldn't grandparents get the pleasure of seeing grandchildren being delighted with their presents and getting thank you notes? And, actually, why should you control what someone else writes on their present labels?

sallyhollyberry · 14/12/2008 22:21

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