Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A difficult one.

223 replies

NoGoodAtCleaning · 14/12/2008 22:07

Ok so this is a MIL thread but not a bashing one. And I am looking for genuine answers as to if she's being awkward or I'm being over senstive.

MIL is all about her, and she expects us to take DS (8 mo) to her but she won't come and see him. We begged her to come to ours on xmas day so she can see his prezzies, we can give her her prezzies, and I'm going to make them bacon butties and croissants and things. She wanted us to meet her in the pub with all DP's family, but we don't take DS to pubs and we are going to my mum's for lunch.

Anyway, she was really annoyed and said she wouldn't come. DP asked her a lot of times and in the end she agreed, begrudgingly.

He explained that although DS is a baby and doesn't know his arse from his elbow yet, we want to start our xmases as we mean to go on so that everyone gets the jist. She expected us to take DS (and some of his prezzies) to hers first thing xmas morning so that he could open his prezzies with her, and she could give him the present she had bought him. We want to spend our 1st xmas morning as a family in our new home, which is practically santas grotto, while DS opens all of his prezzies.

My family have given us DS's prezzies, with all the tags marked 'love from Santa', so that he's got them, from Santa, on xmas morning.

We explained this to DP's family and asked them to do the same. Most of his family were happy to do so. However, SIL has refused and said she will give him his prezzie on xmas day, in the pub, which we are not going to.

MIL threw a paddy but agreed. She rang and asked us to go to hers tonight so we went over and she had some prezzies for the baby. DP said something about them being from Santa and she said 'no, they're from me. I bought them. The tag says they're from me, and it'll say they're from me every year, same as it does for every other child. I paid for the presents so he'll know they're from me.'

SIL said 'well he isn't having my present until xmas day' and MIL said 'that's what I should have done' and glared at me. She also told us we have to wait until DP has gone to pick her up(she couldn't possibly drive over, get a taxi, or walk on xmas day- she has a car) before DS opens his presents.

She's been really horrible.

She had DS today and we left him there a few hours because she's always moaning we don't let her have him enough and when we arrived she kept calling us 'strangers' over and over again as we hadn't gone earlier to pick the baby up.

The other things is that she's bought SIL a games console for xmas, and loads of other presents, and she's bought SIL's boyfriend lots of presents. Then she's bought DP lots of presents and the same games console as SIL but she's not got me any presents as she said the games console is between DP and I. Yet I spent lots on her, and really thought the presents out as she's high maintenance.

Does she not like me or am I being oversensitive?

I've got to admit, if I think of other details, I may add them as I go along, but I think this is the lot. I know everyone hates a drip feeder, but I forget things!

OP posts:
moondog · 14/12/2008 22:28

She says 'all of' her dp's family are inpub. Obviously easier to go to them than for them to come to her.
It's essential to leave the house at least once on Christmas day.

MinkyBorage · 14/12/2008 22:28

oh fgs, that's your problem, it's not your inlaws problem. Lt them do what they want and chill out a bit!!

moondog · 14/12/2008 22:29

I'm with you on 21 rule.But think everyone over 90 has all they need anyway surely? (Or are you talking token pressies of violet fancies and so on?)

Threadworrm · 14/12/2008 22:29

And if everyone gives them from santa won't it look to your dc as if no-one (except the fictional guy) cares?

Incredibly rude to insist that all extended family gives gifts in a manner prescribed by you.

MinkyBorage · 14/12/2008 22:30

QC, like your rule! Makes great sense, and the after 90 thing, well, that truly is a great incentive too!

moondog · 14/12/2008 22:30

I love being on a thread getting self righteous with Quattro.
It's a new guilty pleasure.

As you were.

JodieO · 14/12/2008 22:30

HOw many is "all" though? Could be 3 or 4 and how usual is it to see every member of the extended family on christmas day? Not very ime.

Turniphead1 · 14/12/2008 22:30

Really odd to have other people give their presents to your child as being from Santa. Never heard of that before. Is it a tradition in your family as it's not usual at all?

We buy our DC their presents from Santa. We then give one each from "us" and their relatives' are from their relatives.

sallyhollyberry · 14/12/2008 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chequersandroastedchestnuts · 14/12/2008 22:34

What a weird thread!

My PFB is 4 months and I've just wrapped her christmas presents. Three are from Father Christmas and one is from the dog.

As far as I know each set of grandparents have bought her one (noisy) toy each. If I ever dared to dictate what was written on the card or comment on how much each family had spent on her I would dearly hope that somebody would tell me to stop being such an ungrateful moo.

Your OP, as far as I can tell is a dialogue all about what you want and yor refusal to compromise for somebody else.

I think it's plain weird to expect people to give gifts and not tell the child who they are from.

piscesmoon · 14/12/2008 22:35

The easy answer is to get your family to label the presents correctly!

Original poster
NoGoodAtCleaning · 14/12/2008 22:36

Hmm this is all new to me. Maybe I'll do what Turneiphead said. One from us, and then ask other people to limit their presents to one, so that they get to give DS a well thought out present, but Santa brings the most so he is still special and magical.

OP posts:
nooka · 14/12/2008 22:36

I think the from Santa thing is actually really unpleasant and controlling. If I was a relative of yours thinking it wold be nice to give the baby a present and I was told that if I did the present had to be "from Santa" I would feel very angry, and disinclined to give a gift at all. Presents are from the person who choses them, that's who you thank, and that's who gets the pleasure of seeing you enjoy them.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect your son and family to visit you on Christmas, and I see that you are doing this for your own mother. But neither is it unreasonable for you to want to spend time at home. Unfortunately some compromise has to be reached, by spending time with everyone, or by alternating.

If your ILs tradition is to meet up at the pub on Christmas morning, then given that pubs are no longer smoky I'm not sure why you are so adamant that that is not acceptable. Does your dh agree?

Why can't your MIL see you open the presents from her to your ds? I think you are being very unreasonable on that one. You have insisted that she follows your wishes, but you don't want to compromise at all?

I think it is interesting that for your own presents it matters very much who it is from, and how much has been spent. I think this is understandable, and it sounds like your MIL is very generous at Christmas time (Games console and lots of other presents) but you think she is spiting you. That may well be possible, but it doesn't sound as if you like her much either.

pooka · 14/12/2008 22:36

But why should your way be the best way?

Honestly, there have been many many posts here explaining better different ways of doing it. Can you not see this issue from their perspective? And what are you doing about presnets you give to other people - when your ds is 4 are you seriously suggesting that he wont notice you doing christmas shopping for other people. WOn't he be more likely to question that than having a reasonable set up from the beginning where some presents are from FC, and the rest are from friends and family who love him and wanted to buy him a present>

Quattrocento · 14/12/2008 22:36

It's really quite difficult to be inventive for the over-nineties.

moondog · 14/12/2008 22:36

NoGood, you are obviously quite quite doolal.

moondog · 14/12/2008 22:38

Barking is a great word Quattro.
It's getting to the stage when i'm starting to get irritated by MN even before logging on.

I think it's to do with the whole work/life situation at present. V stressful.

BoccaDellaNativita · 14/12/2008 22:38

And isn't one of the joys of being (in my case nearly) grown-up with a family and home of your own that you can ditch any inherited family traditions that you have come to realise are boring/daft/inconvenient/bonkers?

jingleMAMADIVAsbells · 14/12/2008 22:38

I think a bit of compramise is needed too.

Wouldn't worry about tags etc I don't even label them my DS is 2.5YO he doesn't know and doesn't care, I don't mind what anyone else wants to write on gifts it's up to them. I plan on just putting DS's big pressie and stocking from santa rest from us/family/friend's because I want him to know that whilst santa does bring him gifts his family also buy him gifts not sure why I do this right enough just how I was when I was a kid I guess.

Regarding pub I think that is odd not a place for families IMO well on christmas day anyway. Maybe should make a tradition of going round houses on christmas morning I used to do this with my mum and dad and we loved it was exciting waiting to get to next house to see what granny or whoever had for us and it was great to see family and friends too.

pooka · 14/12/2008 22:38

Well the fact that Father Christmas rode a sleigh led by reindeer and used to clamber down our chimney and that of every other child in the world in one night was seen as being pretty magical full stop.

The number of presents from him was not so much of an issue to us as kids.

Original poster
NoGoodAtCleaning · 14/12/2008 22:41

I think all the words to the effect of barking/dolally etc are a little harsh- these are things I have grown up with as thinking everyone did, as I explained earlier.

I will compromise, thank you. I hadn't realised I was being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Turniphead1 · 14/12/2008 22:41

Nogood it is also a tradition in our house that Father Christmas doesn't wrap his presents . He puts them in your stocking when you are asleep obviously and around the fireplace. Start that as a tradition and save yourself a lot of grief!!!

MinkyBorage · 14/12/2008 22:41

NoGoodAtCleaning! Stop being so MAD!! It is none of your fucking business what other people get for your dc for Christmas or what they write on the gift tag. Fgs grow up!

Original poster
NoGoodAtCleaning · 14/12/2008 22:42

Again, harsh.

OP posts:
pooka · 14/12/2008 22:42

Wow - I like your father christmas's style Turniphead.

[wonders whether can build an eco-conscious FC who doesn't want to waste wrapping paper into dcs christmas story this year]