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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A difficult one.

223 replies

NoGoodAtCleaning · 14/12/2008 22:07

Ok so this is a MIL thread but not a bashing one. And I am looking for genuine answers as to if she's being awkward or I'm being over senstive.

MIL is all about her, and she expects us to take DS (8 mo) to her but she won't come and see him. We begged her to come to ours on xmas day so she can see his prezzies, we can give her her prezzies, and I'm going to make them bacon butties and croissants and things. She wanted us to meet her in the pub with all DP's family, but we don't take DS to pubs and we are going to my mum's for lunch.

Anyway, she was really annoyed and said she wouldn't come. DP asked her a lot of times and in the end she agreed, begrudgingly.

He explained that although DS is a baby and doesn't know his arse from his elbow yet, we want to start our xmases as we mean to go on so that everyone gets the jist. She expected us to take DS (and some of his prezzies) to hers first thing xmas morning so that he could open his prezzies with her, and she could give him the present she had bought him. We want to spend our 1st xmas morning as a family in our new home, which is practically santas grotto, while DS opens all of his prezzies.

My family have given us DS's prezzies, with all the tags marked 'love from Santa', so that he's got them, from Santa, on xmas morning.

We explained this to DP's family and asked them to do the same. Most of his family were happy to do so. However, SIL has refused and said she will give him his prezzie on xmas day, in the pub, which we are not going to.

MIL threw a paddy but agreed. She rang and asked us to go to hers tonight so we went over and she had some prezzies for the baby. DP said something about them being from Santa and she said 'no, they're from me. I bought them. The tag says they're from me, and it'll say they're from me every year, same as it does for every other child. I paid for the presents so he'll know they're from me.'

SIL said 'well he isn't having my present until xmas day' and MIL said 'that's what I should have done' and glared at me. She also told us we have to wait until DP has gone to pick her up(she couldn't possibly drive over, get a taxi, or walk on xmas day- she has a car) before DS opens his presents.

She's been really horrible.

She had DS today and we left him there a few hours because she's always moaning we don't let her have him enough and when we arrived she kept calling us 'strangers' over and over again as we hadn't gone earlier to pick the baby up.

The other things is that she's bought SIL a games console for xmas, and loads of other presents, and she's bought SIL's boyfriend lots of presents. Then she's bought DP lots of presents and the same games console as SIL but she's not got me any presents as she said the games console is between DP and I. Yet I spent lots on her, and really thought the presents out as she's high maintenance.

Does she not like me or am I being oversensitive?

I've got to admit, if I think of other details, I may add them as I go along, but I think this is the lot. I know everyone hates a drip feeder, but I forget things!

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 14/12/2008 22:21

Father Christmas is responsible for stockings and main present and other bits from parents. All other presents are from people. Surely everyone knows that!!

loobeylou · 14/12/2008 22:22

who has bought most /spent most is irrelevant.My ILs are better off than my parents so have always spent more on the DCs. This does not mean the DCs realise this, they love all the presents they get, whatever they are, sometimes the cheaper ones are loved more and get better use than the expensive ones TBH!

its not about money, its about wanting to give a gift and have the child know (when older) YOU picked it for them.

Clayhead · 14/12/2008 22:22

NGAC, no not everyone does get all presents off Santa, well, we don't anyway! I had them from people from being really young, in fact never remember getting anything off santa particularly.

seeker · 14/12/2008 22:22

Why don't you take your ds to pubs?

moondog · 14/12/2008 22:22

My parents are loaded and spend fuck all.
(Prob. why they are loaded)
They're just not into 'stuff'-either to give or receive.

anna456 · 14/12/2008 22:23

It all seems to be about the presents to me. Surely there's more to Christmas than that? Maybe being with your family and enjoying each other's company? Sounds like you might need to start compromising a bit - all families have different traditions, and you do need to take your in-laws' into account instead of just imposing yours on everyone!

pooka · 14/12/2008 22:24

When I was young, only the stocking was from FC. I believed (until was about 6 or 7, but I did have brothers who were 11 and 12 by then!).

KiwishyouaMerryKatsmas · 14/12/2008 22:24

Sounds like you both need to take a deep breath and see things from the other person's point of view, or this could really escalate.

But one small point - if I've put a lot of thought into buying a present for someone, I like that person to know who's given it to them, and it AIN'T Santa!

JodieO · 14/12/2008 22:24

Pub sounds shit, I don't take any of my 3 to pubs, why would I? My oldest is almost 7.

Presents from santa isn't right, they bought them and they should be labelled from them imo.

MinkyBorage · 14/12/2008 22:25

the father christmas thing is odd imo, you buy the gifts from father christmas, everyone esle gets gifts from themselves, but what is really really odd is that you actually asked people to write tags saying from father christmas . Is this because you can't be arsed to write thank you cards?
Chill out, let people do what they like, stop trying to control what you can't. Go to the pub if you want, don't if you don't. Not surprised your relationship with your mil is a little strained, you sound like a bit of a control freak tbh.
On the other hand, she sounds like a total pita, and I don't blame you for not going to hers on Christmas day. Sounds like there's a power struggle going on to me, she doesn't sound like the type to roll over and let you have your own way. You'd better start conceding a little or you'll end up in all out war, and it will be your dh and dc who lose out.

beanieb · 14/12/2008 22:25

Do you think you are being a bit, erm, precious.

It's all about compromise IMO and maybe you're getting a bit worked up about stuff which shouldn't really matter.

moondog · 14/12/2008 22:25

I'd get to the pub and leave before they get pissed.Small price to pay to keep them happy.A little bit of give and take goes a loooooong way.

potoftea · 14/12/2008 22:25

I don't think you should have to go to the pub when you have invited your mil to your home, which I think is a reasonable compromise.

But I'm totally with her on the presents. Why should Santa get the credit for the presents that she has bought, and has taken time to chose. Especially as your ds gets older. That is so odd to me.
My dc got Santa presents which we bought, and presents from grandparents which we usually guided them on. But the grandparents got the pleasure of handing it over, being thanked, and seeing their delight when they opened it.
Same with presents from aunts, uncles and friends. I've never heard of it done any other way and I would never have agreeded to that for my neices because I spent a lot of time choosing their presents when they were little, and wanted the hugs and kisses that earned me.

piscesmoon · 14/12/2008 22:26

None of it matters in the least-I don't think any of you have the Chrismas spirit!
He is a baby-he won't understand any of it and is more likely to play with the wrapping paper than the present!
Let FC bring the stocking, and a big present if you want, and then other people can do what they want. If I give someone a present it is from me not Santa! When he gets old enough to thank people and write letters how can he do it if thinks they all ignore him and Santa provides everything?
I should chill out-if your expectations are too high it will end in tears-just enjoy the day without trying to control it.

Merrylegs · 14/12/2008 22:26

But OP did you never write a thank you card? What about pressies from relatives when you were younger? Where they all from 'Santa' too?

I completely understand about you wanting to be in your own home for Christmas -

but honestly?

  • the 'everything from Santa' vibe is a l-e-e-e-tle weird
JodieO · 14/12/2008 22:26

Moondog, if they want to be there with him they can, not invite them to a pub. I wouldn't take mine to a pub for christmas, I mean christmas? Would you really? Sounds more than odd to me.

Why does everything always come down to people being "lucky" to have family there at all, it isn't like that.

BoccaDellaNativita · 14/12/2008 22:26

Hmm. "Start as we mean to go on" seems to mean "everyone must fall in with my plans". You asked who was being awkward and who was being over-sensitive - I think you both are.

I must have grown up in another bubble, because - until I joined MN - I had never heard of relatives other than parents labelling their presents as being from Santa. Why deprive aunts/grannies/godmothers of the small pleasure of having the child know that the present was from them?

becklespeckle · 14/12/2008 22:27

I agree that a little compromise is needed here.

In my house, most of the pressies we've bought are from Santa but any presents from family are marked from them. This allows the DCs to believe in Santa whilst allowing family to take credit for the gifts they buy - also makes them feel spoilt by the family and encourages them to write thank you letters now they are older.

I do think MIL is being unreasonable though in expecting you to collect her before DS opens any presents! What happens when he is older and has to wait for Grandma to open his gifts?! It is lovely to have your own traditions and Christmas and being at home surrounded by pressies and stuff sounds fab to me! Perhaps you could pop to the pub for a bit to see MIL and collect DSs presents later on in the day? Or maybe you could see her Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead and swap/open presents then???

Either way, I am not sure that she doesn't like you but it does sound like she is trying to boss you around, sounds like DH is on your side though so that's good!

OhLITTLEFISHofBethlehem · 14/12/2008 22:27

You're being really, really unreasonable over the presents.

I give presents to members of my family, not Father Christmas. I pay for them with my hard earned money and I would like to see (or hear) that they enjoyed and appreciated them. I also like to be thanked for presents - it's just good manners.

If you want to start as you mean to go on, teach your ds that it's good manners to thank people when they've gone to the time, effort and expense of buying him gifts, rather than this ridiculous "oh, it's all from Santa" crap.

No wonder your SIL is pissed off with you.

You sound very spoiled and unreasonable.

Bink · 14/12/2008 22:27

And - just to balance out NGaC, just for statistics' sake - I don't know any family at all, and have never, who does ALL presents from FC ... norm of everyone I know is FC is in charge of stockings, but everything else is excitedly from non-saintly-temporal human to same.

(Just wait till you have child no.2 - ds's wild excitement when baby bro/sis opens his present to him/her ... my 9yo starts planning his present to his 8yo sister in about August )

Joolyjoolyjoo · 14/12/2008 22:28

I can, to a certain extent, understand your disappointment at your MIL not making much of an effort to come to yours/ see her GC, as my MIL is the same- she says she'd LOVE to see the kids open their presents on Christmas day, but really....it's too much bother!

I also understand you wanting to have Christmas in your home- seems a bit strange to me to be giving over presents in a pub- I tend to imagine pubs on Christmas day are full of people trying to get away from their families, but obviously your DPs family have their own traditions! If you really don't want to do the pub thing, could you maybe visit them for an hour or so later on, and let them hand over their presents to your son?

AS far as insisting they are labelled from Santa, I'm afraid I DO think that is a bit unreasonable. I always knew that the presents under the tree were from Santa, then, as a bonus, we visited my grans/ cousins etc and they had also bought me presents- bonus! I do think people like to be given recognition for the gift they choose, and should be allowed to see the child open it (I allow my kids to open presents given to them in the run-up to Christmas, purely so the giver can see their reaction- they have plenty more on the day itself anyway) My dad insists that the presents he brings over were left at his house for the dc by Santa, but actually I'd be happier if he just said they were from him- prompts all sorts of questions about how Santa knew to leave them there etc etc!

I know Christmas is a really special time, and sometimes each little tradition can seem SOO important (I am guilty of this too ) but I do think sometimes you have to think about the family harmony for the rest of the 364 days in the year, and give (or be seen to give!) just a little!

jollyoldstnickschick · 14/12/2008 22:28

My fil likes a pint in a not very posh pub im not a big drinker but fil likes to 'show off' his family so every so often me dh ds1-15 ds2-13 and ds3-8 go in there to see him and his cronies - its about being family- fil isnt big into church going but comes along at special times.

Original poster
NoGoodAtCleaning · 14/12/2008 22:28

My family do them from Santa. It's just the way things are. If DP's family start giving DS presents (obviously when he's old enough to notice) and my family don't, isn't it going to look like my family don't care?

OP posts:
Carmenere · 14/12/2008 22:28

In answer to your op, I'd imagine that she does not like you because you are being unreasonable.

Your ds is a baby, he will not know who the presents come from, will not know who santa is and will not care. You have plenty of years ahead to start up family traditions if they are important to you. For now your ds won't know or care so why not be flexible.

Quattrocento · 14/12/2008 22:28

This present issue is barking btw.

Here is a truly good family rule. No-one over 21 (unless still in fulltime education) gets presents from anyone else over 21. There are two exceptions to this rule

(i) Husbands and wives
(ii) Anyone over 90

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