A difficult one.

[NoGoodAtCleaning]

Ok so this is a MIL thread but not a bashing one. And I am looking for genuine answers as to if she's being awkward or I'm being over senstive.

MIL is all about her, and she expects us to take DS (8 mo) to her but she won't come and see him. We begged her to come to ours on xmas day so she can see his prezzies, we can give her her prezzies, and I'm going to make them bacon butties and croissants and things. She wanted us to meet her in the pub with all DP's family, but we don't take DS to pubs and we are going to my mum's for lunch.

Anyway, she was really annoyed and said she wouldn't come. DP asked her a lot of times and in the end she agreed, begrudgingly.

He explained that although DS is a baby and doesn't know his arse from his elbow yet, we want to start our xmases as we mean to go on so that everyone gets the jist. She expected us to take DS (and some of his prezzies) to hers first thing xmas morning so that he could open his prezzies with her, and she could give him the present she had bought him. We want to spend our 1st xmas morning as a family in our new home, which is practically santas grotto, while DS opens all of his prezzies.

My family have given us DS's prezzies, with all the tags marked 'love from Santa', so that he's got them, from Santa, on xmas morning.

We explained this to DP's family and asked them to do the same. Most of his family were happy to do so. However, SIL has refused and said she will give him his prezzie on xmas day, in the pub, which we are not going to.

MIL threw a paddy but agreed. She rang and asked us to go to hers tonight so we went over and she had some prezzies for the baby. DP said something about them being from Santa and she said 'no, they're from me. I bought them. The tag says they're from me, and it'll say they're from me every year, same as it does for every other child. I paid for the presents so he'll know they're from me.'

SIL said 'well he isn't having my present until xmas day' and MIL said 'that's what I should have done' and glared at me. She also told us we have to wait until DP has gone to pick her up(she couldn't possibly drive over, get a taxi, or walk on xmas day- she has a car) before DS opens his presents.

She's been really horrible.

She had DS today and we left him there a few hours because she's always moaning we don't let her have him enough and when we arrived she kept calling us 'strangers' over and over again as we hadn't gone earlier to pick the baby up.

The other things is that she's bought SIL a games console for xmas, and loads of other presents, and she's bought SIL's boyfriend lots of presents. Then she's bought DP lots of presents and the same games console as SIL but she's not got me any presents as she said the games console is between DP and I. Yet I spent lots on her, and really thought the presents out as she's high maintenance.

Does she not like me or am I being oversensitive?

I've got to admit, if I think of other details, I may add them as I go along, but I think this is the lot. I know everyone hates a drip feeder, but I forget things!

We've done candle making quite a bit (there are some nice kits of flexible wax that you can just warm up in hot water and then mould), chocolates (we usually make some anyway, so easy to include the kids), painting flower pots and planting up bulbs, decorating plain baubles (you can get nice pens, plus add glitter and stuff - works best on glass baubles though, which might be tricky with a five year old), and as children we used to make mobiles quite a bit. Not sure about this year, we are behind on everything, as our Christmas plans changed a bit suddenly and we are abroad, so a bit disconnected.

Ooooo! Painting flower pots and planting bulbs! That would be awesome. Amending the gift list to include this one. Great idea! Now, we can give them something and nothing! (My Dad makes the most awesome mobiles, so we steer clear of that one.)

Hmmm now I am somewhat "conflicted" about you, Poetmum. Having read your explanatory post of 14.51 I was about to post that I have a girl crush on you. Everything is just so ...well thought out and I really like your approach to trying to reverse the money solves all ethos of your parents.

But then your post about big presents being from Daddy because he works really hard. I understand that you are comfortable with it - but I really wonder have you gone "Stepford" to overcompensate for your DH's unstable mothering. It seems just so ... Victorian. In our house, my DH works his absolute tail off (to quote you) and I gave up a high-powered career to look after our DC. I appreciate how hard he works - and the pressure he is under at the moment - but I b*oody work hard too. Without going down the well-worn MN path of SAHM v WOHM (because BOTH work as hard), I would never presume to think that the material things that my children are given are from my DH alone (even if my contribution to the household is not directly financial). And he ever suggested it his life would be not worth living. But then, he is overcompenstaing for a father who made his mother account for every single penny with receipts...Anyway, that's my tuppence worth.

I am looking at the other non-material gift suggestions of you and others. Great.

Oh, and like others, I did "get" that you were joking about the elves (without the use of emoticon). We are British after all so we can detect irony !

Ballonslayer I did nearly choke on my mini-mince pie after your post about having to make up all the details of the elves' education etc....

Poetmum, I think your dcs are terribly hard done by. Your extended family get these wonderful nothing boxes and all your poor mites get are nasty materialistic checks and wads of cash. You must do something about it-you are their Mum, it is your duty to protect their interests. Insist on nothing-boxes for this Christmas!

Santa just gives my DD a few presents and all the rest come labelled with the person's name on (otherwise, who do you send the thank you letter to?). She even gets a couple from Mummy and Daddy under the tree. What's the point in telling everyone what you want for Christmas, if you are only going to get presents from Santa?

However ... I do agree about the pub thing. You need to decide what you want to do as a family, whilst also thinking about the extended family and their feelings. My MIL died last year, so we sadly do not have that problem any more (but my DH still does ;) ).

Ooooh! Sorry. Got onto the wrong thread somehow!

No HSMM we have gone off at a complete tangent and have hijacked the thread to converse with Poetmum...

who is strangely fascinating in an way.

I too am conflicted

I think poetmum is to be admired-several of us have had a go at her and she has remained friendly and cheerful!

I hear you Turniphead. That's okay. Sometimes, I wonder about me also. Isn't that what this journey is all about? Wondering? Questionning? Trying to find the balance. Trying to find a way which works. Plotting a new course when it doesn't work.

DS is a very strange (and wonderful) child. He doesn't ask for much. As a result, when he does ask and it is appropriate, I get the joy of giving. Mommy, can I pick one thing at the store today? Yes. I'm always the one who is giving.

We agreed that DH won't bring presents when he comes home. So, birthdays and holidays are the times he gets to give. For us, this seems balanced. It may not even be fair. After all, doesn't it always seem like the cardboard box or flashlight or other strange small thing usually ends up being the most favoured toy.

I do too. Although I buy everything (DP does not do shops) with a bit of verbal input from him, I wouldnt dream of putting just me - they are all joint presents. This would be the case irrespective of who earnt the money (50/50 for us). Don't know why I find it weird - just seems a bit like you aren't getting credit where credit is due PM. Fair enough your DH works hard but sounds like you keep a great home going and put a lot of effort into your children (not to mention giving birth to them!) I am quite happy that some people have one person working the other doing the home side (my parents did this) and other like me juggle it all together into a mish mash, but I see it as a joint effort overall. I dont really see why he gets extra credit.

Can't be bothered to read through this lengthy thread but OP: Sorry but you sound completely bonkers! Santa brings stocking presents, family bring their own presents - why would your child not believe in Santa because some of is presents aren't from him? And I can't really understand the pub thing - I mean, it's weird (to me) do open presents in a pub, but the baby wouldn't be a reason not to go! They're all smoke-free now and your baby's not going to know where he is. Lighten up and be a bit more flexible!

was just going to say, if we go on business trips we bring a little something back just from us - that seems more "normal" to me. You're right though, you have to find what works for your family and yes, am impressed with your attitude, if not the details.

I didn't mean to hijack the thread. Many apologies.

I only hope that NoGood was able to get enough opinions and data to find a way to make the best choice for her family. I look forward to discovering how she resolves this issue for herself.

It was an interesting discussion. Essentially, everyone has their way of doing things. It is only sane to feel very attached to your way of doing things. Thanks everyone for their input and the thoughtful and lively discourse.

I actually find it strange that my in-laws write "from santa" on their presents - it actually really gets my back up - the presents were bought from them and they are from them.

Nogoodatcleaning, looks like you've gone into hiding - poor you You're feeding into your paranoia as far as your mil is concerned. Try to rise above it and laugh it off, as far as presents are concerned, and just enjoy your day

I have read through this thread and the other. Thank you for all the replies- really appreciate it. I definately needed some new points of view on xmas and I explained this thread to my mum who wasn't keen at first, but she's come around too now. She too was under the impression that everyone did the 'from santa' thing, too, and she had had the same issue with her MIL in the past. But her MIL was VERY hard work and mum said that she thinks I should take your advice and compromise so that I don't end up with the tensions with my MIL that she had with hers.

Regardless of the present thing NoGood atCleaning, dont forget to enjoy yourself! I know where youre coming from a bit, its our first xmas with dd that she will actually be talking and giggling etc iykwim, shes 18 months, i have had to refuse DH's suggestion that we go up to his parents first thing and have dd open all her pressies there- i just want for an yhour or so us to be a complete little family where we have her to ourselves. But after that, whatever. Its easy to get so hung up on everything looking and being just so perfect, just so xmasy etc, i read something the other day saying basically lets remember you have the nicest times when youj are determined to have a nice time and it doesnt matter if your eating beans on toast with wrapping paper everywhere, so long as you are enjoying it all. So may your first family christmas be a very happy one!

In my day (up until yesterday), the tradition was that FC was the bringer of presents.

So everyone bought presents for the child, then sent them to FC, in order for him to deliver them on Christmas Eve.

FC provided the gifts in the stocking; everything else was labelled from whoever bought it.

Where did FC suddenly get all his money from in order to buy everything for everybody?

I suspect Mafia involvement.

Poetmum, are presents just from Daddy, or from Mummy too? Sorry if you've said already - thread is massive.

To the OP - have three more children in quick succession, please. Then you won't have time to care about all this bullshit and your MIL will like you more.

HTH.