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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A difficult one.

223 replies

NoGoodAtCleaning · 14/12/2008 22:07

Ok so this is a MIL thread but not a bashing one. And I am looking for genuine answers as to if she's being awkward or I'm being over senstive.

MIL is all about her, and she expects us to take DS (8 mo) to her but she won't come and see him. We begged her to come to ours on xmas day so she can see his prezzies, we can give her her prezzies, and I'm going to make them bacon butties and croissants and things. She wanted us to meet her in the pub with all DP's family, but we don't take DS to pubs and we are going to my mum's for lunch.

Anyway, she was really annoyed and said she wouldn't come. DP asked her a lot of times and in the end she agreed, begrudgingly.

He explained that although DS is a baby and doesn't know his arse from his elbow yet, we want to start our xmases as we mean to go on so that everyone gets the jist. She expected us to take DS (and some of his prezzies) to hers first thing xmas morning so that he could open his prezzies with her, and she could give him the present she had bought him. We want to spend our 1st xmas morning as a family in our new home, which is practically santas grotto, while DS opens all of his prezzies.

My family have given us DS's prezzies, with all the tags marked 'love from Santa', so that he's got them, from Santa, on xmas morning.

We explained this to DP's family and asked them to do the same. Most of his family were happy to do so. However, SIL has refused and said she will give him his prezzie on xmas day, in the pub, which we are not going to.

MIL threw a paddy but agreed. She rang and asked us to go to hers tonight so we went over and she had some prezzies for the baby. DP said something about them being from Santa and she said 'no, they're from me. I bought them. The tag says they're from me, and it'll say they're from me every year, same as it does for every other child. I paid for the presents so he'll know they're from me.'

SIL said 'well he isn't having my present until xmas day' and MIL said 'that's what I should have done' and glared at me. She also told us we have to wait until DP has gone to pick her up(she couldn't possibly drive over, get a taxi, or walk on xmas day- she has a car) before DS opens his presents.

She's been really horrible.

She had DS today and we left him there a few hours because she's always moaning we don't let her have him enough and when we arrived she kept calling us 'strangers' over and over again as we hadn't gone earlier to pick the baby up.

The other things is that she's bought SIL a games console for xmas, and loads of other presents, and she's bought SIL's boyfriend lots of presents. Then she's bought DP lots of presents and the same games console as SIL but she's not got me any presents as she said the games console is between DP and I. Yet I spent lots on her, and really thought the presents out as she's high maintenance.

Does she not like me or am I being oversensitive?

I've got to admit, if I think of other details, I may add them as I go along, but I think this is the lot. I know everyone hates a drip feeder, but I forget things!

OP posts:
IwishIwasaStockingStuffer · 15/12/2008 15:26

Oh and my MIL buys gifts for my DC's that I think aren't appropriate but I just put on my "Spending time with my MIL" face (it looks like this or at Christmas like this ) and say oh they will love that and then pop it in DP's study out of the way.

xfabba · 15/12/2008 15:41

so do you lot give the santa presents only in the stockings then? what if santa is getting a bike or something? We always had stockings from FC with mucho cheap plastic tata and then 4 or 5 wrapped presents from him under the tree, board games, bikes etc. Then familly presents at the back afterwards. So this is what I always do. Am I spoiling them?

snickersnack · 15/12/2008 15:54

Why would Santa buy a bike? That's for parents to do, surely...Santa buys presents for the stocking - some little joke things, some practical things, some bigger things (they may not all fit in the stocking, that's ok) - and parents buy a single bigger present for under the tree. Surely?

(This bilateral agreement has been hammered out after high-level negotiations over the last 3 years between me and dh as we attempted to reach a solution that accommodated our respective Christmas traditions and will work in the future even if either set of siblings have children and revert back to the old family ways).

MadamePlatypus · 15/12/2008 16:00

NGAC, I haven't read whole thread, but I think you are being completely reasonable about the pub. I still regret the only time I took DS to a pub on Christmas eve to be with IL's against DH's better judgement. The IL's are lovely in many ways, but the pub was truly awful.

xfabba · 15/12/2008 16:01

yes thats what I mean - interesting, I had never considered it - I think my parents used to get too much and I am in danger of doing the same as I have just followed suit. DP always says as much but my traditions always win in out house without debate! so do you do a present under the tree from mum and dad as well?

MadamePlatypus · 15/12/2008 16:02

"the pub with your inlaws, for an hour in the morning, cannot be compared to spending time with rowdy drunks.....they surely won't have had the time??? "

Sadly, some people will have had the time .

xfabba · 15/12/2008 16:03

and I agree about the pub, I think you should say that pubs arent really appropriate now you have a child so you should meet in a local soft play instead! Give them a taste of their own medicine.

Pre children we used to go to the pub on XMAS eve but I really do think there is something weird about going on xmas day - the one day of the year to stay at home with the familly.

xfabba · 15/12/2008 16:04

some people will still be there from the night before I am sure!

MadamePlatypus · 15/12/2008 16:09

frankly, I think poetmum is fab.

poetmum · 15/12/2008 16:12

LOL JoolyJooly! I never realized I was being an elfist. I need some consciousness raising.

IwishIwas, Thanks for the reference material. (Elf, good Christmas movies)

StickSanta, I've noticed food taboos seem to have the reverse effect. Balance seems to work best for our family. Just because we tend towards wooden and educational toys doesn't mean we limit sugar, avoid all plastic or live in some weird void. Some people make other choices and limit sugar, food colour, and have other tightly controlled restrictions.
Ultimately, everyone makes what they think is the best decision for their family.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 15/12/2008 16:21

To OP
I think you are being a bit controlling.
The presents from Santa thing would really tick me off.

They do their thing at x-mas, you do yours - why make everyone do things the way you do?

In families at Christmas, everyone has to compromise.

Sounds like you are using your ds as a giant leveraging tool.

xfabba · 15/12/2008 16:22

fair point. I dont let my children eat the icing sugar on cakes at parties because of the food colouring and some people think that is a bit OTT. It's only a guideline though, if he gets some in before I can distract him with soemthing else or sneak the icing sugar off I wouldnt snatch it out of his mouth or anything. Like everything, it's a balance. I prefer wooden toys too, aethetically, but I am never going to get MIL etc to see things that way so overall they get a balance of both which is fine for me. By far their favourite things are metal toy cars anyway no matter what I think!

FattipuffsandThinnifers · 15/12/2008 16:24

I think poetmum's DS is equally fab: "thank you daddy for working sooo hard we can spend this time together".

My ds is gonna have that very turn of phrase drilled into him, though it won't be 'daddy', it will be 'pater'

MrsMattie · 15/12/2008 16:40

Your kid is 8 months old. Wont remember what the hell you did for about the next 3 Christmases anyway.

poetmum · 15/12/2008 16:50

xfabba, isn't it amazing what children love! We had more fun with a dishwasher box one Christmas than any other gift.

Earlier in the thread someone said something about the importance of recognizing the effort that was spent on DC's behalf. Saying thank you or sending a thank you note to a real person feels really important to me. It's easy to forget gratitude if the house is bursting with presents from some mythical stranger.

I'm with SnickerSnack - in our house - all the big gifts come from the parents. Especially bikes..big presents are usually from Daddy. (This seems fair to me, DH has to travel for business half the year. It's really hard on DS.) Sometimes, we jointly give the big gifts. Santa provides authentic, elven made toys...from the sweat shop.

Divineintervention · 15/12/2008 16:57

In my house the dcs have presents from father christmas and one from each relative, GPs give one from the and the rest from FC. DCs always spend the morning and early afternoon at home with their new toys.

xfabba · 15/12/2008 16:59

i have to say poetmum you have touched on something here - my eldest is only just 4 so this is the first year I have had to think about the ins and outs of it, and he is really into the whole santas workshop, the elves as helpers who make the toys in the N pole etc, of course, and I was thinking to myself only yesterday, he is a bright little boy, is he really going to believe that the elves make bits of plastic lego, put them in boxes and wrap them in cellophane? And what kind of elf would make the god awful power ranger figure that he has wanted for almost a year and that I have finally relented and got for him (after a year of kidding myself I would ban them on the ground of being plastic tat with violent overtones). I am not sure i am as dedicated as you though to make sure santa only brings wooden toys that look like they could have been made my elves.

Elf was on tv last night, I recorde it, I must watch and see how they handle it.

nooka · 15/12/2008 17:09

Boy that wouldn't have gone down very well in my family. True, my father's hard work paid for everything, but Christmas was entirely my mother's production. Without her there would have been some very classy wine, and that's about it. Although my dad did bring back some pretty amazing presents from America every now and then (he worked there frequently). Christmas is a time to thank everyone, surely, and if you encourage your children to make presents too, then they get lots of thanks themselves (for us this is often the highlight of Christmas as they get quite excited about giving their gifts too).

nooka · 15/12/2008 17:14

Oh and for those with smaller children who perhaps aren't that appreciative at Christmas, I recommend Crispin the Pig Who Had it All by Ted Dewan. It's a lovely book about the value of things. Very spoilt pig who gets huge and fab presents, and wrecks them, and then one year gets an empty cardboard box which turns out to be the best present of all. Very nice, my children loved it.

poetmum · 15/12/2008 17:19

We had DD (now 22) really going for a long time. But, it wasn't as sad for her when she figured out about Santa. After all, the really excellent presents were still coming her way because she had us. (Hand made or wooden toys get harder to find the older they get.)

If you really want to step up the make believe a notch, Norad has a hilarious website which tracks Santa. www.noradsanta.org/ It even has "scientific" explanations about how Santa delivers all of those presents in one night. I do have huge issues with the fact that the U.S. Airforce has to escort Santa into U.S. airspace. Pitooey!

HarktheheraldAnglepoise · 15/12/2008 17:25

poetmum I correctly identified the serious and non-serious parts of your post, even without emoticons Personally I find it a bit odd to tell people how to spend their money before they've asked (and to put it in writing) but if it works for you, great. (Though if your family just write cheques checks, can't you just pay those into your son's investment portfolio without the need for writing to them?)

Like nooka I'm a bit uneasy about your DH getting all the glory - presumably you make some contribution to family life? Not that it's any of my business, obviously - just a bit of a weird message to be giving your son imo.

bonnycat · 15/12/2008 17:25

I think YABU about the presents being labelled from Santa, of course they want the child to know who they are from-obviously too little at the mo but in the future-and i think thats fair enough.
Dont think YABU about the other stuff though.

poetmum · 15/12/2008 17:25

Good point Nooka. It is as important to give as it is to receive. We decorate candles with beeswax, make tissue paper lanterns. What do you do? Any fresh ideas?

Have you seen the book, The Gift Of Nothing? It is about a little cat who wants to give his friend a gift. But, the friend has "everything." We'll be making "nothing boxes" this year by glueing old tissue paper to small boxes. Inside we'll put a little note, "We hope you enjoy this opportunity to sit a moment and do nothing." These are for my parents...who have everything and fill all of their time up with something. I think they'll enjoy it.

xfabba · 15/12/2008 17:41

so not only do you tell them what to buy for your children you then give them officially nothing back - love it poetmum! You are a national treasure!

poetmum · 15/12/2008 17:43

I hear you Nooka and HarkTheHerald. I'm comfortable with it because it isn't one sided. DH makes a big fuss about my contribution to the family. He makes sure to notice the little things: clean floors, clothes, decorating the house and projects DS and I do together. And he always thanks me at the beginning of every meal I cook. MIL was not the most stable person, nor was she a good cook.

You're right, there might be some issues lurking there. I'm choosing to take time out from what was a stellar career to be home with DS. We might be over-compensating. Or maybe this is just where we are right now in our life...trying to recognize and be grateful for the sacrifices made on all sides. Certainly worthy of consideration.

And HarkTheHerald - it isn't just checks cheques, they love the big wad of cash in the envelope. Getting cash or cheques makes an assumption that the child is to go out and spend it. I prefer to discuss saving and budgeting in the confines of a weekly allowance. (And since they had a history of it in the past, I wanted to nip it in the bud this time around.