A difficult one.

[NoGoodAtCleaning]

Ok so this is a MIL thread but not a bashing one. And I am looking for genuine answers as to if she's being awkward or I'm being over senstive.

MIL is all about her, and she expects us to take DS (8 mo) to her but she won't come and see him. We begged her to come to ours on xmas day so she can see his prezzies, we can give her her prezzies, and I'm going to make them bacon butties and croissants and things. She wanted us to meet her in the pub with all DP's family, but we don't take DS to pubs and we are going to my mum's for lunch.

Anyway, she was really annoyed and said she wouldn't come. DP asked her a lot of times and in the end she agreed, begrudgingly.

He explained that although DS is a baby and doesn't know his arse from his elbow yet, we want to start our xmases as we mean to go on so that everyone gets the jist. She expected us to take DS (and some of his prezzies) to hers first thing xmas morning so that he could open his prezzies with her, and she could give him the present she had bought him. We want to spend our 1st xmas morning as a family in our new home, which is practically santas grotto, while DS opens all of his prezzies.

My family have given us DS's prezzies, with all the tags marked 'love from Santa', so that he's got them, from Santa, on xmas morning.

We explained this to DP's family and asked them to do the same. Most of his family were happy to do so. However, SIL has refused and said she will give him his prezzie on xmas day, in the pub, which we are not going to.

MIL threw a paddy but agreed. She rang and asked us to go to hers tonight so we went over and she had some prezzies for the baby. DP said something about them being from Santa and she said 'no, they're from me. I bought them. The tag says they're from me, and it'll say they're from me every year, same as it does for every other child. I paid for the presents so he'll know they're from me.'

SIL said 'well he isn't having my present until xmas day' and MIL said 'that's what I should have done' and glared at me. She also told us we have to wait until DP has gone to pick her up(she couldn't possibly drive over, get a taxi, or walk on xmas day- she has a car) before DS opens his presents.

She's been really horrible.

She had DS today and we left him there a few hours because she's always moaning we don't let her have him enough and when we arrived she kept calling us 'strangers' over and over again as we hadn't gone earlier to pick the baby up.

The other things is that she's bought SIL a games console for xmas, and loads of other presents, and she's bought SIL's boyfriend lots of presents. Then she's bought DP lots of presents and the same games console as SIL but she's not got me any presents as she said the games console is between DP and I. Yet I spent lots on her, and really thought the presents out as she's high maintenance.

Does she not like me or am I being oversensitive?

I've got to admit, if I think of other details, I may add them as I go along, but I think this is the lot. I know everyone hates a drip feeder, but I forget things!

Can I suggest something that might help with the whole thing about ds having to wait until MIL is there to open his presents.

In my family, we had stockings first thing in the morning - which meant that we children had the excitement of opening some presents and had something to enjoy during the morning, then after Christmas dinner and the washing up, we all sat down, at about 2.30pm to open all the other presents - from parents, grandparents, relatives and friends - which were all labelled from their donors, not from Father Christmas.

If you did this, your MIL could be there in time to see ds open his presents (other than the stocking ones).

With regards to the pub thing, I can understand your reservations, but I wonder if it's worth giving it a go this year - if it doesn't go well, then you can do it differently next year - after all, you don't have to have all your christmas traditions set in stone from Year 1 - they can grow and change and evolve as you grow as a family. Be flexible - it's usually worth it.

So, as an aside - what would you buy for poetmum DCs for Christmas.

I think it would be the plastic "Duck" game by HB which is just a plus plastic tray that revolves endlessly with the world's most annoying quack quack noise. It makes you want to gouge your own eyes out. Either that or the Thomas the Tank engine that has a trailer containing plastic discs that play "Coming Round the Mountain" ad infinitum ie there is no default where it switches itself off....both gifts from the inner circle of plastic tat hell

YABVU - and a tad unhinged.

But this thread has made my day .

Problem Turniphead is that the very most unbearable aspect of plastic 'interactive' tat is, of course, that the robotic voice has an American accent ... and presumably that last sting in the tail will not send the same frissons d'horreur through poetmum as it would others.

That said, I do think poor poetmum meant completely well, and was offering her story in pure supportive helpfulness. (Except for the investment portfolio. She did lose me there a bit.)

Not read the thread just the OP.

Kids can get prezzies from santa and relatives. Think you are being a bit oversensative there.

As for the rest, she's a cow. If you have your DP's support and he isn't siding with his mum then great. His first responsibility is towards hios family now - you and DS. Spend your time how you want.

Re the present, you'll know better next year. It sounds like the doesn;t like you much but that's probably just the normal jealously stuff so try not to take it persoanlly. Try to pity the old duffer. And shrug it off.

I think you have missed a lot by not actually reading the thread-it has moved on a bit from OP! I take it that you don't like your MIL Poins?

I can remember clearly before I had DC1 over 5 years ago confidently knowing that I would only have handmade, wooden, educational and aesthetically pleasing toys in my house. Then, I had children and realised that they love the grim looking plastic tat that makes noise - and that interestingly, the tres expensive wooden farm from GLTC is always bloody breaking, whereas the second-hand plastic fisher price garage is quite literally the cockroach of the toy world. I can not be destroyed even when bearing the weight of three young boys...

Hey ho. I actually thought Poetmum's post sweet but couldn't imagine living like that.

I feel a bit guilty about having a go at poetmum, I think she was being helpful and it hasn't crossed her mind that she is too controlling. I was inclined to go for natural wood, and toys that are aesthetically pleasing to adults, before I realised that babies like bright, plastic things that they can bang. The worthiness of it all would get me down-it removes a lot of the joy.

I think we've lost OP. Do you reckon she's gone off to her own thread with poetmum to bitch about us all?

Parents decide if they want to address things they buy from santa.
You can't tell other people what to get or how to label theirs~BECOS THEY ARE GIFTS AND ENTIRELY VOLUNTARY!!!

I first read this thread on the tube this morning and snorted in a very undignified manner which alarmed the elderly gentleman next to me no end. I was reminded (by Poetmum) of an email I got from a friend a few years ago inviting me to her ds?s birthday party. It said ?we?d be delighted if you could join us to celebrate M?s achievements (the child was turning 1). If you would like to bring food or gifts they would be very much appreciated, but please, nothing with sugar, artificial additives or made of plastic or relating to a TV show. If you would like to write a poem or a song, that would be appreciated.? Dh and I still chortle about that one when we see said child wearing his Sportacus costume and troughing large bags of Haribo when we go to visit these days.

"Elves lack the appropriate education to design and construct said items. (C'mon, they are slave labourers who by virtue of their parentage are relegated to a specific social caste. It is an unchanging system from which they will never escape. There are no labour unions in make-believe-land.) So, when the DC can check the labels, they will know that an elf never made that item for them."

I have enough trouble gritting my teeth and letting my kids believe in the big LIE that is Father Christmas.

I am buggered if I am going to get them thinking in detail about elves as well.

And buggered with something large and unweildy if I am going to get them thinking of the socio-economic background of said non-existent elves, their parentage and even their farkin education.

Piss-take as far as I am concerned. And a good one. Whether I am right or not, I nominate it as post of the week. Has made me a lot.

Yes, Piscesmoon, Moondog and Quattro, I am ...gasp...an American. I joined Mumsnet when I was living in London. I was trying to make a light hearted joke about the elves. Since I didn't use emoticons, the joke fell flat. Perhaps I do need a good going over in an alley.

Anyway, I was just trying to share my experience. I do think it is okay to express your wishes to family. I have a 22 year old DD and a five year old DS. My family is great at writing checks - but not that good at giving up their precious time. DD truly believes the family is her personal bank. They quite happily encourage her. Needless to say, I wanted to change family dynamics.

Yes, it was rather saucy of me to write that kind of letter. I wrote it carefully with love and kindness. And, it worked for me. DS gets some little thoughtful thing from relatives and what they would otherwise spend gets put away for his education. (Yes, it took a hit, but he's five, he has time for the market to recover, at least he has something. The toys will all be gone in a few years.) More importantly, it has helped them find ways to spend time with him - not just dump gifts and dash away. They are more involved in his life.

Our choice is try to avoid all of the hype and consumerism. (And yes, we do birthday parties without presents also.) That is what works for us. I'm not saying it has to work for everybody.

I love my MIL! But I also know how lucky I am.

God, I'd hate to go to the pub on Christmas Day. Can't think of anything worse.

Why can't you meet at your MIL's on Boxing Day instead?

My DCs get loads of gifts from relatives after Christmas. It's not such a big deal.

Your MIL sounds really childish and controlling. OP, you do want YOU want to do on YOUR Christmas Day with your new family.

Poetmum, I was wondering which bits of your post were a joke, and which you were being serious about. I ended up thinking it was ALL a troll post, TBH.

I can see where you are coming from poetmum, take no notice of me! I suppose that I am lucky to have family with the same values and so a letter like that would be patronising.

I wouldn't take my children to the pub, but then drunk people smell and talk nonsense.
Saying that, I think OP is being unreasonable to pretend that all the gifts are from Father Christmas

NoGood

We have established that yabu about Santa but I do understand your feelings about the pub. Some of my dad's family are like your DH's family and would rather sit in a grotty pub getting pissed than spend the day at home even at xmas. I am very grateful that my mum limited our contact with my relatives at Xmas to those who stayed at home.

I think that spending Xmas day in the pub sounds like hell for kids. They want to be at home drooling over their new toys.

Let's have a whipround and send Poetmum's DC all the noisiest plastic tat and high-sugar sweeties we can. Poor little sods.

"Elves lack the appropriate education to design and construct said items. (C'mon, they are slave labourers who by virtue of their parentage are relegated to a specific social caste. It is an unchanging system from which they will never escape. There are no labour unions in make-believe-land.) So, when the DC can check the labels, they will know that an elf never made that item for them"

• how elf-ist! I'll have you know that SOME elves have attended the very best elf-colleges and have masters degrees in toy-making. "Fisher-Price" is actually a self-controlling conglomerate of elves, who are self-employed but sub-contracted to Santa. So there!

turniphead... it's a continual source of anguish to me that the gorgeous handmade wooden toys perpetually get overlooked in favour of blinking, flashing, all singing, all dancing plastic tat... but if they like it then who am i to argue?

as for poetmoms theory about the elves.... the elves can only make a limited amount of toys (limited labour source and limited space at the north pole to store it all) so they buy in the rest, that's why you have to be good and not ask for loads as santa's budget won't stretch to too many toys for everyone

flibberty's point about compromise is the best way to look at all of this imo.... you can't just bring your family's traditions to your new family and expect you dp and his family to just fall in line, there has to be some give and take.

eg; in dp's house no-one is allowed downstairs til his dad goes down and turns on all the lights, lights the fire and makes tea... but then they get to open all their presents at once. in my family i could go down anytime from 5am and my parents would come down later (usually after i jumped on their bed screaming about my presents ) but i was only allowed to open santa presents in the morning, the rest had to wait til later in the day when we all sat down with coffee and cake and exchanged gifts. with our kids we mix and match.... dp goes down first and makes the room pretty and we all go down and open sant presents. then they wait for the other presents til later, although we tend to drip feed gifts throughout the day rather than do a sit down formal thing.

it's the same with dinner... dp's family have turkey in the early afternoon, mine have anything but turkey late in the evening.... when we do xmas dinner we have anything but turkey in the afternoon.... it took some haggling to reach that compromise but now it's our family tradition and we love it

that said it's not set in stone, last xmas and this year we travel to my parents dinner as with small children i found i was missing too much of xmas day trying to do the dinner singlehandedly... you see, things can be traditions without being set in stone, you can have xmas rituals without expecting everyone else to give up theirs.

i have to say, the thing that struck me most about the op was the stark materialism of it all..... who gives what gifts to who and how many of them there are and how much they cost.... it's a bit sad if that's all xmas is to you.

If you watch Elf the movie you can see them making Ecth-a-Sketches and Monopoly and Nintendos, so I would therefore believe that they do have the education and ability.

IwishIwasastockingstuffer - thanks you just reminded me I got ds1 an etch a sketch thing for xmas and had forgotten all about it sat on top of the wardrobe! Will go and get it down and wrapped now - ready for santa to bring of course, couldn't possibly be from his mummy

Why do your family give presents from Santa - that is weird - my 2 would ask where their present from Auntie and Uncle were and think it ace that Santa has got them more than they already got in their stocking.

Very vey strange!