A difficult one.

[NoGoodAtCleaning]

Ok so this is a MIL thread but not a bashing one. And I am looking for genuine answers as to if she's being awkward or I'm being over senstive.

MIL is all about her, and she expects us to take DS (8 mo) to her but she won't come and see him. We begged her to come to ours on xmas day so she can see his prezzies, we can give her her prezzies, and I'm going to make them bacon butties and croissants and things. She wanted us to meet her in the pub with all DP's family, but we don't take DS to pubs and we are going to my mum's for lunch.

Anyway, she was really annoyed and said she wouldn't come. DP asked her a lot of times and in the end she agreed, begrudgingly.

He explained that although DS is a baby and doesn't know his arse from his elbow yet, we want to start our xmases as we mean to go on so that everyone gets the jist. She expected us to take DS (and some of his prezzies) to hers first thing xmas morning so that he could open his prezzies with her, and she could give him the present she had bought him. We want to spend our 1st xmas morning as a family in our new home, which is practically santas grotto, while DS opens all of his prezzies.

My family have given us DS's prezzies, with all the tags marked 'love from Santa', so that he's got them, from Santa, on xmas morning.

We explained this to DP's family and asked them to do the same. Most of his family were happy to do so. However, SIL has refused and said she will give him his prezzie on xmas day, in the pub, which we are not going to.

MIL threw a paddy but agreed. She rang and asked us to go to hers tonight so we went over and she had some prezzies for the baby. DP said something about them being from Santa and she said 'no, they're from me. I bought them. The tag says they're from me, and it'll say they're from me every year, same as it does for every other child. I paid for the presents so he'll know they're from me.'

SIL said 'well he isn't having my present until xmas day' and MIL said 'that's what I should have done' and glared at me. She also told us we have to wait until DP has gone to pick her up(she couldn't possibly drive over, get a taxi, or walk on xmas day- she has a car) before DS opens his presents.

She's been really horrible.

She had DS today and we left him there a few hours because she's always moaning we don't let her have him enough and when we arrived she kept calling us 'strangers' over and over again as we hadn't gone earlier to pick the baby up.

The other things is that she's bought SIL a games console for xmas, and loads of other presents, and she's bought SIL's boyfriend lots of presents. Then she's bought DP lots of presents and the same games console as SIL but she's not got me any presents as she said the games console is between DP and I. Yet I spent lots on her, and really thought the presents out as she's high maintenance.

Does she not like me or am I being oversensitive?

I've got to admit, if I think of other details, I may add them as I go along, but I think this is the lot. I know everyone hates a drip feeder, but I forget things!

Well, I see no reason to be harsh here. Everyone has their own [loon] traditions. I would say the 'always from Santa' is a rod for your own back, though, because it is the type of fib that will become unworkable for your dc from roughly 3 yrs old onwards. One good present and and a lovely stocking is Santa's job. The rest of the tut comes from everyone else, and you. IMV.

The pub thing. People have pubs don't they, that they sort of belong to. I don't (but thinking it is a nice thing actually). Cosy home from home type thing. Is this your MILs sort of place? Well why not try and trot along and enjoy for part of your day? Perhaps don't see it as staring down the next 40+ years type tradition. Just Oh this xmas let's get a nice glass of Emva Cream in the Dog and Bull and open up MILs lovely things she got us.

when i was about 9 (and sort of knew about santa but it wasn't discussed so i still got santa presents ) friends of my parents came to stay, they obviously came from the same sort of family as the op's and marked all their gifts 'from santa'.... things got very confusing when i was opening them as i hadn't a clue who to thank... my parents or them!

surely less unreasonable to ask your family to mark gifts as from them if they want to than to insist the in laws pretend they're from santa

i don't think it's a wise idea to teach a child that santa is going to shower them with gifts each year... better to teach them appreciatian and gratitude.... santa brings one big pressie, some books and a stocking full of bits in our house, dp and i give the other big pressies and then thy get presents from family.... for which they are expected to say thank you.

It'll get lost, but can I just say - FC is special and magical, transcendently special and magical, to children, and the quantity of stuff which appears to be from FC makes totally utterly no difference to the fundamental magic, which just is.

Stockings (alone) do it.

Maybe you could politely decline the pub invite and invite them round on boxing day?

Late gifts in our family are also a bit of a tradition (keeps the excitement going longer tho )

What Bink said. My children are 7 and 4, have only ever had stockings from Father Christmas (chocolate coins, satsuma, apple, colouring pens, books, mouth organ last year , you get the gist) and he is still utterly magical and special to them.

I'm feeling so thankful that my DH was an Al-Anon Teen. He always puts his foot down about participating in people's public and private drunken disorderliness. The Pub would not work well for him at all. As a result, it doesn't work for us as a family.

As to Father Christmas, I prefer giving credit where credit is due. My DH works his tail off for us. We make a lot of sacrfices in order to have what we need and some of what we want. All good things come from Daddy. Whilst on vacation, my DS actually looked up at his father one night and said, "Thank you sooo much Daddy for working so hard so we can be here together." Now, that is the kind of tradition I want to start.

Also re Father Christmas - in our house - his gifts always arrive unwrapped. (Saves time and preserves the illusion longer. Eventually they will notice that Aunt So-N-So and Santa use the exact same gift wrap.) Father Christmas also only gives items which can be made by hand. In the early years that meant wooden toys, hand made dolls, Ostheimer animals, and very traditional items. The whiz bang of the tech age is the sole province of the hard working members of the family who go out everyday to earn money to procure such items.

Elves lack the appropriate education to design and construct said items. (C'mon, they are slave labourers who by virtue of their parentage are relegated to a specific social caste. It is an unchanging system from which they will never escape. There are no labour unions in make-believe-land.) So, when the DC can check the labels, they will know that an elf never made that item for them.

Also - I don't expect anything from anyone. At the birth of our son, I sent a letter requesting them not to innundate us with junk. I made a detailed list of things they could easily make or ideas about how to spend time with the new child or ways to contribute to the baby's well-being. (Write down a favourite story from childhood, burn a cd of favourite songs, set up an educational account, put together a family photo album with captions, take him to the zoo. At five, he has a decent investment portfolio and never feels as if his family doesn't care for him. My mother recently said, "He comes over and all he wants to do is play and talk with me." I said, "He's smart. He wants what is most precious to you - your time." That had her looking perplexed!

What it is really about is listening to your heart and doing what is best for you and your family. Any other opinion is exactly that...an opinion. If you don't want pubs and madness - don't do pubs and madness. If you need to have presents from Father Christmas only...make that happen. Just do it with intention and awareness that ultimately everyone is doing the best that they can at the moment in which they are doing it.

Gosh.

In our house the Christmas stocking has apple,orange, pens,pencils, little fun toy things hair bobbles etc. the main big present is from santa as is anything else that isn't wrapped, so usually big present, some books, pyjamas, some clothes, a board game etc. All other presents that are wrapped are from family and friends and marked accordingly. We pile them all on the sofa so the dd's see them when they go in in the morning.

We did have a year when dd1 was about 4 when she asked what we had bought her and we told her that we send money to santa to help pay for the presents and that they are from us as well as him. this is they way we did Christmas when I was little and I've continued it with my own dd's.

I don't think you should insist that your mil marks her present from Santa let it be from her.

Could your sil come to your house on boxing day to give your ds his present seeing as she won't give it to you now and you won't be going to the pub to see them?

He'll believe in what you tell him!
My dd is 5, she gets one presie & a stocking from FC, the rest is from us & family.

I really think you are BU to except yours & your dh's entire family to pretend that FC brought ALL the presents. When will they start to get the credit & thanks?

How is he going to learn the value of things if he thinks that FC brings everything?

Sorry, not a different name for THIS, I just haven't changed back from last night!

Dear Father Christmas

Please can I have an investment portfolio for Christmas?

And a Girls World.

Thank you

love

Lurkin (age 38 1/2)

You know, FC can be magical & special without being the only one who brings gifts!

What will happen when your dc no longer believes? Will Christmas fail to be magical & special then?

Don't think there's much I can add here but wanted to support you in not going to the pub; plus I do think your MIL is BU in her expectations that you should take your DS over to hers to open presents.

The "everything from FC" is, honestly, nuts - but is obviously a tradition in your family. I dont know anyone who has this tradition, sorry - in common with most here, I had a stocking/pillowcase from FC and everything under the tree was from family. And we had to write thank you letters for them (except to immediate family of course!) so that wouldn't have worked if we didn't know who they were from! I think you have to give way on this point, really I do.

It sounds like your MIL has a bucketload of resentment towards you, for whatever reason - don't waste time analysing it, just let it go. In the end, it does hurt if you think you are being passed over but just decide that next time you will restrict her gifts to one well-thought out one, not loads. That will ease any resentment that might build towards her - no point in both of you being resentful, and you can't change her, only your attitude towards her.

"our new home, which is practically Santa's grotto" --> this sums up the problem to me. There need to be much, much less things. FC is not magical because of the amount of things he brings. Grandparents are not valued because of this either.

Christmas is a chance to have a nice time, but I doubt you or your son will do because there are too many expectations on everyone and this is bound to lead to disappointment all round.

she doesn't like you - and as a peson who has been married 20 yrs, i can tell you straight away that this is a jostling for position in the pack.

you have a couple of solutions.

ignore her completely - stop pandering, dont buy her presents - leave that to your dp. dont answer hertelephone calls - get caller id - let dp do it. dont bend over backwards to accomodate her, dont visit, dont entertain SIL.

if they want you - they come to you.

the second option is to have a huge row and tell her to fuck tthe fuck off.

I am very sorry you have been attacked. After all you did honestly come on here asking if you were being unreasonable.

As others have pointed out - unfortunately you are a bit!

I can totally understand you not wanting to take your DS to the pub on Xmas morning. And you have invited your ILs to yours for bacon rolls etc - their choice not to come tbh. There is no reason they couldn't pop in for an hour before the pub.

The presents. I am Irish and we have always done that everything from us is from Santa - stocking and presents. Everything else is from the person who gave it. I strongly believe that people should be thanked for their present. If your family want to carry on the Santa tradition then you could say that they sent the presents to Santa to deliver. I do understand where you are coming from as my family are similar - my Dad gives presents as from Santa and I have told my DS that Grandad pretends they are from Santa. Also agree that your DS will one day ask what you get him when he gets older!

Your DS is only 8 months. He doesn't need lots of presents. He won't know he has lots of presents. He will be totally overwhelmed if he has too much. (That will be the case every year btw! - I have seen my niece and nephew with huge piles and just rip things open and move on to the next with absolutely no regard for anything as there is just too much.)

With regard to the situation with your ILs - it is up to you how you play it. If you like them generally and want to get on with them you could pop in or call them and say 'I'm sorry about all the mix-up about Xmas. I am just excited and want to make sure we all have a lovely time. When I was growing up all the presents were from Santa but I totally understand that it wasn't like that in your house so please label the presents anyway you like. It's funny how so many people do it differently.'

The amount of presents your DS receives does not equal who loves him the most. And as he gets older you won't want him to have a load of presents from everyone as you have to store it all!

you shouldnt have to go to the pub (what kind of sad person spends christmas day in a pub anyway?), but she shouldn't have to support your stories about Santa to your child either. Let her put "love from Grandma" on her prezzies, at least its truthful.

agree with custy, it sounds like powerplay. you are in the stronger position, dont get caught up in petty slanging, just have christmas in your own home and ignore the rest.

my children have never been in a pub btw, and teh eldest is 12. Neither had I at that age. Family is not TT but just dont do pubs a lot.

I think YABU WRT the presents all being labeled as from FC,. When I was young my brother and I got one present from RC, but my mum, dad and family all bought our other presents and FC delivered them. We knew this, it didn't take away from any of the excitement of coming downstairs in the morning and seeing fc had delivered all of our presents.

Aprart from the year mum and dad didn't get up to put the presents out We were devastated, but FC had just put them in a different roon .

Also we had presents from other family members on Boxing day when we visited them. Grandparents were always at our house anyway.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

In our house we buy one main present for each of our dd's, or this year for the first time we have bought a present between them (a hi-fi for their room). We buy their presents from Santa and put them in their stockings.

All the presents from family are put under the tree with tags to say who they are from, any famiky members we are seeing on xmas day exchange presents then.

My Mum sometimes buys a few small presents for my dd's and gives them to me before xmas day to add to their stockings.

If all the presents are from Santa, how will you explain that family members buy you and your DP presents but do not buy your DS anything.

I am still reeling from poetmums PFB post! If anyone sent me such a patronising letter about what to get their DC, and how to treat him, I would immediately feel like going out and getting him bright purple plastic junk! I think he needs a subversive aunt!
You must have long suffering friends and relatives who do a lot of eye rolling!

Your post stands as an example of how to suck every last bit of joy out of christmas.

I think you AB a bit U. Sounds like your ds has lots of family who are a dying to spoil him and spend time with you and him. Others are nearly so lucky!

As for us, well we're travelling back to UK on Xmas morning - to STAY in the pub belonging to my BIL. And we will be there all week . Dd had a couple of "large" presents from St Nicolas a couple of weeks ago. Santa will bring her a stocking on Xmas morning. Other than that, we're skipping Xmas pressies to go shopping as euro is so strong. And she will get additional bits and bobs from family - and it will be from them, and not Santa.

I'm meant to say - NOT nearly so lucky.

I think people are being too harsh to Nogood she is trying to find her way and set up her own Christmas traditions so they will continue each year. She wants to do what's best for her baby - and frankly, whilst I am a big fan of a nice amount of booze at Christmas, the thought of spending Christmas morning in a scummy pub with people who are drunk at that time of the day is not nice. Yes, he is a baby this year but in a couple of years time he won't be. And if she goes this year it will mean pressure to go next year etc.

I think she has maybe realised that telling people to give their own presents as Santa's presents is bossy and unnecessary and also pretty unusual. Yes, if people ask, give them present ideas (in our case this is normally a constant reminder that thet only need something small!!) but other than that, you need to let it go...

Poetmum your post was so lovely....and so earnest. Your children sound like Ned Flander's children! You must surely be North American? You are right thought about the homemade presents. My 5 year old has already cottoned on that the elves couldn't make "Jungle in my Pocket". Sometimes the Elves have to buy toys alas....

pooka yes, thanks! the no wrapping paper thing for Santa presents rocks. Well, my parents always did that - more than enough surprise to be wandering down into the living room and trying to make out in the gloom whether it's Tiny Tears or Baby Alive and then rooting through the pillow case (orange and brown bien sur!twas the late 70s..) for stocking fillers....It also means that when the Elves are making toys/buying em they aren't put off by size or shape (whereas Mummy refuses to buy the 6 foot cylindrical tub of Lego that is going to be an absolute b*stard to wrap ). I think an eco-revision would be fine for Saint Nick this year. Tis such a waste of paper.