to set out a document for anyone looking after my daughter stating what I expect from them now my partner and I have split?

[May1808]

My partner and I recently split, meaning my 14 month old DD will be living between two homes and visiting grandparents/other relatives and presumably sometimes being cared for (babysitting etc) by my ex partners family and I won't be there to keep an eye on things.

I don't think I am being a control freak to ask that some basic rules are set by me and my ex with regard to food, routine, medicines & safety that are agreed by anyone else involved in her care and I think its better to do it now rather than after problems happen so that everyone knows where they stand.

I know her dad absolutely dotes on her and would never intentionally do anything to harm her or undermine me (well I hope not but he might discover a vindictive streak!) but he is much more easy going, slap dash, cross that bridge when we come to it than I am (one of the reasons why we split) so its definately important that we agree on the basic points that we will observe.

The thought of drawing up a formalised document wouldn't even have occured to me, other than I used to spend an awful lot of time explaining to the ex why I wanted to do things a certain way and why him not doing it that way would undermine me etc, and then even more time explaining to the ex in-laws why I was doing things a certain way and why, for example, they mustn't add salt to DD's food or let her play in the bathroom that hasn't been baby-proofed, or go through peoples bags that contain all sorts (her pulling out a blister pack of paracetemol and watching the mother in law say 'oh what a clever girl you've found something' rather than whipping them away and saying don't touch medicine, they're dangerous) sticks in my memory.

In addition to that, there are certain rules and ways of disciplining her that are my way of parenting and I do worry that if other people do other things it will result in a lack of continuity and boundaries for her, allowing her to play one carer off against another and generally be a confused and unhappy child who can't do wrong for doing right.

So far I've put things in like, don't add salt to her food, only give milk or water to drink, don't give her nuts or peanuts, don't give her sweet things between meals etc and the obvious safety things like don't let her play on the stairs or what to do if she's teething, but I'm worried that my ex will say 'this is ridiculous i'm sure everyone involved is capable of looking after a child (now i'll go and bury my head in the sand and hope nothing dead bad happens)' and the in laws (who i don't know what their reaction to the split is yet but probably really angry with me for 'giving up' and 'ruining things for everyone' and 'only thinking about myself' - some kind of conviction because of their religion what we should get married and stay together for the children) might well take the view that 'who is she to tell us what to do, we've raised 4 kids AND have a successful marriage...'

Arrrgh this is a minefield. What do you guys think?

a little pfb ish if you ask me

Sounds like a good idea. You probably need your ex to read it and make suggestions too in order for it to work. Don't forget it will need updating as she changes.

Good luck.

I will probably be flamed for this but,
if you produce this document how are you going to enforce it? Will your xp be allowed to add his rules to it?

Good idea - the in laws might not like it but if you say that you welcome any comments to the careplan they might at least read it.

omg!

I don't know what pfb ish means...?

Obviously ex needs to agree to it and make suggestions too, I was going to suggest it to him as 'these things are negotiable lets work out what we both agree is right' and then present it to everyone else (mine and his parents) as 'we have agreed these things, this is non negotiable'.

I was going to suggest sharing it with those involved on google documents to keep everyone up to date.

Sounded a bit OTT at first until I put myself in your situation. My DD is a good bit younger and I'm having enough trouble thinking about handing her over to a nursery 3 days a week! So if it makes you feel more reassured and you think they'll take notice then go for it. She's your (and your partner's) child and you are entitled to do whatever you feel happiest with.

i think its totally ott and unnecessary, sorry

I think you should write it together and agree on it - if you do it like that then its not you setting out some rules, its both of your DD's parents agreeing boundaries on how she should be raised when they won't be seeing each other all the time to discuss it.

Sounds fair, but I definitely wouldn't present it as a dictate unless you've got good reason to believe it needs to be done like that.

I am in no way intending to be nasty at all but I was you 4 years ago and honestly I laugh at myself now for behaving like that now dd is older and I have another child too I look back and realise how ridiculous I was.

It has done neither of my children any harm to be honest having slightly different rules and boundaries with other carers in fact in a lot of ways it has been a good thing.

I can totally understand why you feel the way you do but honestly you will look back and blush at this one day.

How on earth and you gonna enforce it.

Surely to God your ex is just gonna say "yeah OK" and then go ahead and do what he wants.

It's a bit like making sure you're both reading from the same hymn sheet. Esp as breakups can get fractous! As long as your exdp has a say too.

My dh is a brilliant dad but he does need guidance about certain things because he can't be arsed to read what we should be doing AND knows that I will. I assume this is because he is male. Assuming your dp is similar - then he might welcome a list but perhaps you could get him to realise that by himself rather than impose it upon him iykwim?

My dh is a brilliant dad but he does need guidance about certain things because he can't be arsed to read what we should be doing AND knows that I will. I assume this is because he is male. Assuming your dp is similar - then he might welcome a list but perhaps you could get him to realise that by himself rather than impose it upon him iykwim?

would you draw up this kind of document if you and your partner had NOT split up and your daughter went to stay at Granny's house / you left her with a babysitter / took her for a playdate at someone else's house or whatever? If the answer is No then why should it be diferent just because of the split?

To be brutally frank I think you run the risk of getting people's backs up and potentially spoiling your daughters relationship with her family in the future. Of course discuss those issues that are important to you with those with whom your daughter will be spending time. But formalising it into a contract as such is OTT.

You need to have a bit more faith in the common sense of others and accept that because of your sitiation and your apparent desire to ensure your daughter maintains a good realtionship with your ex (and therefore by extension his family)that you cannot monitor her every waking moment. Of course there will be accidents and bumps and bruises and of course she will occaisionally have unsuitable food (that is what grandparents are for )but it is not the end of the world.

certainly not important enough to risk getting people's back up over....

I think this is a bit over the top (PFB) and may well inflame what is already a difficult situation.
Providing your inlaws are not completely nutty I am sure they love your dd and would never intentionally let her come to any harm. I would just worry that by writing this list you will "put their backs up" and antagonise them which could make this situation worse.
Is someone gave me a list like this - I would be terribly tempted to think they where being patronising and do the exact opposite of what you have asked.

Agree with guysballsinthesky - People write birthplans, mealplans, life plans so why not a careplan for the family looking after a child.

i think it might be useful to have a chat with ex about what is important to you about raising dd BUT you will stress yourself out trying to enforce everything (and there really is no need to include information that would apply to all children).

Perhaps think of three things that are really important to you (eg I would really, really not want dd to be left to cry) and share with ex - he can then share with anyone looking after dd - it's not gonna be just anyone, is it?

I guess the only way to really enforce it is to 1. be reasonable in the first place, 2. stay assertive when things come up and 3. keep lines of communication open.

The point of it is not so much to give people a step by step what you need to be doing every second type careplan, but by it being there and them being aware of it, if anything does come up I can say 'I believe that xy&z has happened, if this is the case I am very annoyed as it is clearly stated in this document that both me (and her dad) do not think this is acceptable'

It's only the same things that were agreed with her childminder before she started like don't let her have biscuits as a snack or whatever and then reiterating the safety aspects of looking after a little baby.

Ultimately I am the one who talks to the GP, health visitor, surestart bods, other mums, goes to toddler groups that sometimes have people doing talks or videos about looking after your kids, and therefore I have the up to date info, whereas other relatives and friends may never have had kids or if they did it was a long time ago so aren't up to date. If I was still with my ex, I would still explain the same things, but because I would be around him and his side of a family a lot more I could just do it verbally and keep an eye out for things.

I think that a document like this could be a really useful way of making sure that you and your ex have discussed all the relevant issues and that there are no big areas of disagreement that you need to discuss. Done in the right way this could be really constructive.

On the other hand I think that sending it to grandparents etc is OTT. As other posters have said this aspect of your lo's care is less affected by the split and I think there is lots of potential for annoying people. It could be taken as an implied criticism/lack of trust.

Also be aware that the document will go out of date the week after you finish it

Good luck.

I think this is waaaaaaaay OTT and dare I say smacks of control freakery. Whether you want to dismiss it or not his parents have raised children before and do know what they are doing. I am a mother of 4 and could imagine doing this with my first in similar circumstances but it really is not necessary. YABU

you will laugh about this idea one day.

Will you have diarised "reviews" of the care plan?

A formal warning system if the rules are broken?

Sanctions for persistent offending?

What is really important is that the people looking after your child love her and have her best interests at heart.

Agree that "not leaving her to cry" might be the only rule worth stating.

The rest of it is somewhat over-controlling and will (I expect) not be viewed favourably by in-laws.

Being consistent is a child-rearing fallacy. The world is not consistent and children need to learn to adapt to different rules and environments.

Relax!

May1808 your point on knowledge changing is very important - things like car seats are used now but in the era of the grandparents they weren't.

If I was the carer I'd find it quite offensive, tbh.

Why doesn't she have nuts? Is it a nut allergy?