to set out a document for anyone looking after my daughter stating what I expect from them now my partner and I have split?

[May1808]

My partner and I recently split, meaning my 14 month old DD will be living between two homes and visiting grandparents/other relatives and presumably sometimes being cared for (babysitting etc) by my ex partners family and I won't be there to keep an eye on things.

I don't think I am being a control freak to ask that some basic rules are set by me and my ex with regard to food, routine, medicines & safety that are agreed by anyone else involved in her care and I think its better to do it now rather than after problems happen so that everyone knows where they stand.

I know her dad absolutely dotes on her and would never intentionally do anything to harm her or undermine me (well I hope not but he might discover a vindictive streak!) but he is much more easy going, slap dash, cross that bridge when we come to it than I am (one of the reasons why we split) so its definately important that we agree on the basic points that we will observe.

The thought of drawing up a formalised document wouldn't even have occured to me, other than I used to spend an awful lot of time explaining to the ex why I wanted to do things a certain way and why him not doing it that way would undermine me etc, and then even more time explaining to the ex in-laws why I was doing things a certain way and why, for example, they mustn't add salt to DD's food or let her play in the bathroom that hasn't been baby-proofed, or go through peoples bags that contain all sorts (her pulling out a blister pack of paracetemol and watching the mother in law say 'oh what a clever girl you've found something' rather than whipping them away and saying don't touch medicine, they're dangerous) sticks in my memory.

In addition to that, there are certain rules and ways of disciplining her that are my way of parenting and I do worry that if other people do other things it will result in a lack of continuity and boundaries for her, allowing her to play one carer off against another and generally be a confused and unhappy child who can't do wrong for doing right.

So far I've put things in like, don't add salt to her food, only give milk or water to drink, don't give her nuts or peanuts, don't give her sweet things between meals etc and the obvious safety things like don't let her play on the stairs or what to do if she's teething, but I'm worried that my ex will say 'this is ridiculous i'm sure everyone involved is capable of looking after a child (now i'll go and bury my head in the sand and hope nothing dead bad happens)' and the in laws (who i don't know what their reaction to the split is yet but probably really angry with me for 'giving up' and 'ruining things for everyone' and 'only thinking about myself' - some kind of conviction because of their religion what we should get married and stay together for the children) might well take the view that 'who is she to tell us what to do, we've raised 4 kids AND have a successful marriage...'

Arrrgh this is a minefield. What do you guys think?

That was a nice post, Abbey. Your posts often cover the aspect of letting go of control, which (as I think you have older children) is quite true.
But in this case, the OP has a 14 month old BABY. Nature intended the mother/baby bond to be very special, and yes even a bit obsessive. I'm sure the OP will learn to let go over time, but personally it would devastate me to "lose" my baby at such an age even overnight. And I feel that the baby would miss me just as much, not to say daddy won't be just as important later on.

I would agree Talia that 14 months is a baby and shouldn't have to be passed to other people but sadly, as in OP, it has to happen.
I think OP has stopped posting because she didn't get much support. I don't think people are against the idea, they are against the way that she proposed to do it.
Staying friendly and talking is the better option.
I do post a lot about control! A lot of parents want, not only to control every aspect of their DCs life but their mind as well! They are very possessive. Unfortunately OP is being forced to let go before she, and possibly her DD, are ready for it but I can't see a way around it. The father is an equal parent.

I missed this thread but hells bells the poor OP! There has been some lovely gentle and good advice given by some here but other people deserve a good shaking.

May is clearly in a bad place at the moment, has had PND (which, yes, can make you rely aot on cntrol and routine) and is struggling with feeling she is losing control over what she feels is the right environment for her daughter.

I'm actually quite horried and disappointed by some of the harsh responses and lack of empathy on here.

I think if anyone is feeling delicate they would get a better hearing on a different thread. I wouldn't start a thread on AIBU because you are setting yourself up for a lot of 'YABU'.

Yes, but it was not just the YABU to which I'm referring - that was fair enough in terms of whether a detailed document is reasonable etc. etc. It was stuff like:

"I wasnt going to say it, but I can sort of see why you are splitting up...."

"Works if you think everyone else if fecking stupid doesn't it - I would be offended if I was asked to babysit and then given this sort of document by a crazy lady and would refuse to look after the child.

Gove others a little bit of slack and your kid will grow up fine - or you could get her a uniform and make her perform to a whilstle!"

agree with elffriend, i can't understand why mumsnetters are so nasty and judgemental lately

I think it tends to happen mostly on the AIBU thread. Unfortunately it is a bit late now, but I think OP would have got more sympathy on the Relationships thread.
OP clearly thought that she was not being unreasonable and so I think this is why people jump in and point out the opposite!

Talia22 on Thu 06-Nov-08 09:39:48
"That was a nice post, Abbey. Your posts often cover the aspect of letting go of control, which (as I think you have older children) is quite true.
But in this case, the OP has a 14 month old BABY. Nature intended the mother/baby bond to be very special, and yes even a bit obsessive. I'm sure the OP will learn to let go over time, but personally it would devastate me to "lose" my baby at such an age even overnight. And I feel that the baby would miss me just as much, not to say daddy won't be just as important later on. "

There are a few of us who find it difficult to accept that the mother bond is that much important than the father bond. For me, it is partly about having lots of contacts in Scandinavia where it is normal to share the maternity/paternity leave (in fact, you lose part of it if it is not taken by the father). Also know several SAHDs even of young babies.

Dh and I shared the care of dd from the age of 3 months- so they were really really close and still are. My Dad was very involved in my immediate care. My FIl was a SAHD. My brother is a SAHD and has always done more with the dc's than his wife (and IMO he is better with them). My other two brothers have also been extremely closely involved and it would have occurred to anyone that they would be less expert with babies because they have willies.

So I see it from the point of view of all those fathers I know- how would my dh feel if told that I was uniquely qualified to look after his children because I happen to be their mother? How would my brothers feel? How would all those Scandinavian Dads feel who do it as a matter of course?

I can understand wanting to give limited instructions to a stranger, but a father not having an equal voice in childrearing is just so totally out of my experience that I can't relate to that at all.

wouldn't have occurred

Elffriend, I couldn't agree with you more. It seems to me that some of the responses are given simply to 'get a laugh' and the posters are being purposefully rude.

I agree that the AIBU boards often get contentious but it wasn't deserved imo.