to set out a document for anyone looking after my daughter stating what I expect from them now my partner and I have split?

[May1808]

My partner and I recently split, meaning my 14 month old DD will be living between two homes and visiting grandparents/other relatives and presumably sometimes being cared for (babysitting etc) by my ex partners family and I won't be there to keep an eye on things.

I don't think I am being a control freak to ask that some basic rules are set by me and my ex with regard to food, routine, medicines & safety that are agreed by anyone else involved in her care and I think its better to do it now rather than after problems happen so that everyone knows where they stand.

I know her dad absolutely dotes on her and would never intentionally do anything to harm her or undermine me (well I hope not but he might discover a vindictive streak!) but he is much more easy going, slap dash, cross that bridge when we come to it than I am (one of the reasons why we split) so its definately important that we agree on the basic points that we will observe.

The thought of drawing up a formalised document wouldn't even have occured to me, other than I used to spend an awful lot of time explaining to the ex why I wanted to do things a certain way and why him not doing it that way would undermine me etc, and then even more time explaining to the ex in-laws why I was doing things a certain way and why, for example, they mustn't add salt to DD's food or let her play in the bathroom that hasn't been baby-proofed, or go through peoples bags that contain all sorts (her pulling out a blister pack of paracetemol and watching the mother in law say 'oh what a clever girl you've found something' rather than whipping them away and saying don't touch medicine, they're dangerous) sticks in my memory.

In addition to that, there are certain rules and ways of disciplining her that are my way of parenting and I do worry that if other people do other things it will result in a lack of continuity and boundaries for her, allowing her to play one carer off against another and generally be a confused and unhappy child who can't do wrong for doing right.

So far I've put things in like, don't add salt to her food, only give milk or water to drink, don't give her nuts or peanuts, don't give her sweet things between meals etc and the obvious safety things like don't let her play on the stairs or what to do if she's teething, but I'm worried that my ex will say 'this is ridiculous i'm sure everyone involved is capable of looking after a child (now i'll go and bury my head in the sand and hope nothing dead bad happens)' and the in laws (who i don't know what their reaction to the split is yet but probably really angry with me for 'giving up' and 'ruining things for everyone' and 'only thinking about myself' - some kind of conviction because of their religion what we should get married and stay together for the children) might well take the view that 'who is she to tell us what to do, we've raised 4 kids AND have a successful marriage...'

Arrrgh this is a minefield. What do you guys think?

However you word it, it is bound to upset people!

The nursery staff have been trained and checked unlike relatives, children are statistically more likely to be harmed or abused by a relative than a stranger.
I think she's quite right to do what she can to control the situation but really it does make the point one ought to be very careful who one combines DNA with because you are stuck with them and their family for a long time.

YANBU I would find this really helpful and did when looking after SIL's children for the first time.

Agree wording is important and important to do it with DP.

I don't understand why OP is getting such a hard time. I have seen documents like this for pet feeding (yes really, we regularly feed a friend's cats and there is a 2 page document on their preferences).

Penelope Leach had an example document in one of the 1980s manuals. It was quite sweet and mentioned that the baby hated wearing a hat as it blocked her vision!

Just fast forward 25 years and imagine eagerly anticipating looking after your granddaughter for a day and you dd presents you with a 'document' which says, amongst other things 'do not let her play on the stairs'!!!!!

Yes, some information needs to be shared but don't patronize!

Maybe I am neurotic as well? I think this is a really good idea (hmm)

No not the father. It was for grandparents/people who did not have daily interaction but would be in sole charge. It was quite laissez faire from memory but did have things about not leaving to cry, smacking, food the baby liked, things that upset her (the hoover and magimix I think!) etc

Agree would be silly for the father as he should know his daughter well enough!

You make a number of excuses and offer numerous explanations all through your postings for the fact that you are actually quite a controlling person. You state yourself that you avoid difficult situations by dealing with possible areas of conflict before they arise..in the context of everything else you have written this appears to be an overly controlling response to your own anxiety. I can see how being with someone so laid back as your expartner could not work for you and vice versa. It sounds almost as though you exacerbated one another's weaknesses.

Writing down the rules won't rule out the possibility they won't be adhered to; you are wasting energy and risking alienating family members. You could do with more of a fatalistic approach to life I think.

I can't believe you are prepared to undermine everybody in order to deal with your own anxieties.

You aren't doing this for your child imo, you are doing it because as a person you have not learned how to let go and trust. You are doing this for you.

My in laws are very much leave children/babies to cry, children should be seen and not heard type people. DH and I are not so we made it clear that if they wanted dd to stay with them (and we are keen for her to develop a clsoe relationship) then they need to go to her at night if she cries!

We obviously can't enforce that but trust them to follow our wishes.

It so depends on the in laws/family. I can see why with a divorce/split thrown into the mix you are keen to give them guidance.

Well i'm as neurotic as you then as i think YANBU in your position i'd do exactly the same thing.

Have you considered that whilst your daughter may not poison herself with bleach she may watch you undermine people and see you have such little faith in others that she may become a toxic controlling woman as an adult. Is that better?

Sorry, I realise I may be over egging the pudding, but really!!

I think some of you are being extremely unkind to a lady who has clearly been through the mill and wants to do her best for her child.
Good luck OP it must be very difficult.

Have to say I agree with sobernow it does seem a bit on the controlling and pfb side to me.

BUT I can understand how nervous and out of control it must feel to have to hand the care of your child to someone else. I had to do similar when I had an extended hospital stay and DS1 was 18 months old. I took the approach of writing out 'here's what I usually do, this might help you when you're looking after her' but that was limited to his normal routine and details of some medicines he was having. I would never have put anything in like 'don't put salt in her food, don't let her play with paracetamol or how to discipline her etc', that would be deeply insulting. Perhaps try and have a little more faith in them, surely that love her too and would never want to harm her.

haven't read the op - but I do think you're slightly bonkers (sorry).

I have 3 DS's who were 7,4 and 9 months when exH and I split in March this year. They have different rules when they're with him than to when they're with me. It doesn't cause any major issues - they just know that when at daddy's house they can do x,y,z (and get to eat crap all weekend ) and when they get back to mummy's they'll have proper cooked food and can't do x,y,z.

When they stayed with my SIL a few months ago things there were different again.

Routines go out of the window. Things like discipline - well if you tell them (if you already haven't) what you do don't do in terms of smacking/naughty step/time out etc etc - then there's no need to write it down. Medicines - well if you can't trust them to administer medicine properly - then I suggest you don't your DD stay with them.......

In terms of favourite stuff - well DC's favourites constantly change so you can just tell them when you drop them/they're picked up what the current fad is.

It is HORRIBLE letting your child go with their other parent at first, and I can quite appreciate where the OP is coming from BUT you have no say in this matter.
Your daughter has a moral right to have access to her father, and unless there are reasons why not then her father should have a legal right to see her. If you have such concerns about her safety in his care that you don't want her to go to him then these need to be addressed in other ways, otherwise you just have to accept that you are no longer in control of what happens.
It isn't the same as when they go to pre-school, school etc because there is an accepted order to those things that you know is going to happen. This is different and your daughter is only very young,
But her father is his father, he (and his family) will treat her differently to you. You have to accept this.
You may want to agree such a document with her father, but it will change so very quickly - routines at that age do, and he will just have to find his own way with her.
Good luck.

Even if OP hadn't split with her partner, you have to gradually give up control as the DC gets older. A book for nursery is a good idea, but it has to be very brief and it has to be realistic if the nursery are dealing with lots of DCs-no one has time to read essays!
With relatives you can mention a few important things but you have to leave the rest. You will alienate people if you patronise them.The DD will easily adapt to different expectations.

you strike me as a bit over emotional yourself.

OMG, if your granny can't stuff you full of chocolate when your a child then who can ??

Your child will eat poo whether you 'allow' her to or not, just wait until she discovers her bum

Works if you think everyone else if fecking stupid doesn't it - I would be offended if I was asked to babysit and then given this sort of document by a crazy lady and would refuse to look after the child.

Gove others a little bit of slack and your kid will grow up fine - or you could get her a uniform and make her perform to a whilstle!