to set out a document for anyone looking after my daughter stating what I expect from them now my partner and I have split?

[May1808]

My partner and I recently split, meaning my 14 month old DD will be living between two homes and visiting grandparents/other relatives and presumably sometimes being cared for (babysitting etc) by my ex partners family and I won't be there to keep an eye on things.

I don't think I am being a control freak to ask that some basic rules are set by me and my ex with regard to food, routine, medicines & safety that are agreed by anyone else involved in her care and I think its better to do it now rather than after problems happen so that everyone knows where they stand.

I know her dad absolutely dotes on her and would never intentionally do anything to harm her or undermine me (well I hope not but he might discover a vindictive streak!) but he is much more easy going, slap dash, cross that bridge when we come to it than I am (one of the reasons why we split) so its definately important that we agree on the basic points that we will observe.

The thought of drawing up a formalised document wouldn't even have occured to me, other than I used to spend an awful lot of time explaining to the ex why I wanted to do things a certain way and why him not doing it that way would undermine me etc, and then even more time explaining to the ex in-laws why I was doing things a certain way and why, for example, they mustn't add salt to DD's food or let her play in the bathroom that hasn't been baby-proofed, or go through peoples bags that contain all sorts (her pulling out a blister pack of paracetemol and watching the mother in law say 'oh what a clever girl you've found something' rather than whipping them away and saying don't touch medicine, they're dangerous) sticks in my memory.

In addition to that, there are certain rules and ways of disciplining her that are my way of parenting and I do worry that if other people do other things it will result in a lack of continuity and boundaries for her, allowing her to play one carer off against another and generally be a confused and unhappy child who can't do wrong for doing right.

So far I've put things in like, don't add salt to her food, only give milk or water to drink, don't give her nuts or peanuts, don't give her sweet things between meals etc and the obvious safety things like don't let her play on the stairs or what to do if she's teething, but I'm worried that my ex will say 'this is ridiculous i'm sure everyone involved is capable of looking after a child (now i'll go and bury my head in the sand and hope nothing dead bad happens)' and the in laws (who i don't know what their reaction to the split is yet but probably really angry with me for 'giving up' and 'ruining things for everyone' and 'only thinking about myself' - some kind of conviction because of their religion what we should get married and stay together for the children) might well take the view that 'who is she to tell us what to do, we've raised 4 kids AND have a successful marriage...'

Arrrgh this is a minefield. What do you guys think?

I have read a bit of this and have to say at first i thought "oh my god how precious! then I got to thinking I wish I had done this when ex p and I split. ds1 was 22m old but well capable of saying what he liked and didn't. However he would visit exp's mother (from here referred to as the old bag or the nut lol sorry! lol) and the nut would send him home with a bag of biscuits as she wouldn't make the foods he ate at the time...i.e pasta, chicken, boiled potatoes rather than roasted. SO i was faced with a very hungry little boy when he got home. The difference between when exp and I were together and when we split if ds1 was visiting the nut then i was with him but when we split exp would take him to the nut alone.

I think that you and your XP sitting together and agreeing general principles about how to parent your daughter is a great idea.

However, a touch of salt in some cooking lovingly cooked by a grandparent is going to do her less harm than a grandparent who is so anxious about cooking the wrong thing that they don't do it any more.

You didn't want honest opinions - it seems like you feel your ideas are brilliant - good for you - but if you ask for opinions on a public forum you will realise (as Ihave in the past) that other people don't do things the way you do them and yet they still have healthy well balanced children.

agree with theyoungvisiter, nothing wrong in telling people about naptime etc.

do the document. it will provide everyone in your dh's family hours of fun for years to come.

I think you have to just trust them to get on with it tbh, and stay on good enough terms with your ex to discuss things. My ex is fantastic in many ways with our dd, much better than me in some ways (he can say no for a start)- but it doesn'tstop me being a bit when she comes home after being with him in the same hairdo she left in, loking like a Vctorian orphan. On balance though, I just keep schtum, and look after her as best I can, knowing I'm not ding some things the way he'd like either.

It's not that you should let your child eat poo or bleach, more that you should decide whether the people who are going to care for your DD are fit people to do so, or not. If you need to spell out that you don't want your child sitting naked in a boiling hot bath full of domestos then you need to find a way of making sure she is never left alone with them. Otherwise, you pretty much have to accept that she is going to live through the experience. Your ex survived didn't he? Stuff about medicines and allergies is common sense, but how do you think it comes across if you list each and every safety concern? It is more important for your DD long term well being that you, your ex and anyone who looks after her have a good relationship based on trust and respect. Your document threatens that IMO.

"but maybe I should just let my child eat poo, drink bleach and stick her hands in the fire... "
yep because thatxactly what eveone on here has advised.
this is on of the tyically brilliant responses you get on AIBU threads. start thread asing for opinion but really want validaion. not everyones agreeing with m...imsure someone will bealong soon....oh shit the majority of the people aren't agreeing with me.i know, i'll repeat what i said earlier and just repeat the bits that sound bad when i completely change their coontext,meaning and what was actually said and then everyone willsee how right i am.
it's the RL eqivlant of sticking your fingers in your ears and shoting "LA LA LA I'M RIGHT I CAN'T HER YOU"

"May1808 your point on knowledge changing is very important - things like car seats are used now but in the era of the grandparents they weren't."

Thanks for backing me up on that actually, they didn't know car seats were law, didn't understand why we were using one and on several occasions have suggested 'ah it's fine just put her on your knee'.

I find that the problems we have where I have to explain why we do things a certain way are not because we disagree on how to fundamentally care for children (there is actually loads in common about how best to raise them) just the nuts and bolts things where the accepted guidance has changed over time.

where if you are a new parent you get overloaded with the same messages, for example about car seats, but if your own kids left home 15 years ago and it's your first grandchild why would you still be in that loop?

""maybe I should just let my child eat poo, drink bleach and stick her hands in the fire"
"

Yes. That's right may. That's what everyone is saying . And that's exactly what any carer is bound to do unless you tell them not to.

Allergies, bedtimes, methods of discipline, diet - fine, give advice about that. Anything else - no. Unless you have concrete evidence that they are complete morons, and are incapable of looking after children.

You asked if MNers at large thought you were being reasonable or not. Some believe that it would be insulting to hand out a list of requirements, others think only certain things should go on it and in certain circumstances to avoid offence.

This is there opinion. You might not like it - but you did ASK for it.

I think MmeLindt's suggestion is good, yes there are some things that it might be a good idea to have down, but really it shouldn't come out as a 'document' that's hard on the health and safety things, but is more personal to your child's specific fears and likes if you don't want to cause offence and want to help other carers keep up to speed.

**SHOULD READ "repeat he bits other people have said that sound bad..."

You won't be able to enforce this. Simple as that. Accept it now, or else prepare for a life that will make you ill and insane with worry.

If you are going to give a list to in laws. Read it through really carefully and take off the things that they will ignore anyway. My in laws are forever plying los with sweets and it drives me nuts but no amount of asking them not to stops them- they just do it more seruptitiously. I am glad that I can have a go in person though - would be hard to always have to go through dh who would never take it as seriously. (And they never let him have sweets either lol).

You need to think about what's really important and how to achieve it. If you give them a 3 page doc detailing how they should childproof their house, your weaning schedule and a list of proscribed e-numbers, then no-one will read it and they will be cross and it will have the opposite effect to the one you want.

If you give them a friendly list with a few important points that will keep your child happy and safe (car seats is a good one to mention), then the main points are far more likely to be followed. And in the bigger picture, does it really matter if she gets the odd cup of juice or chocolate biscuit?

You need to relax. Seriously.

You cant control every aspect of your childs interaction with her grandparents. And you for sure cannot control your inlaws and how they treat their grandchild.

Useful hints to what she likes to eat, or worries regards to allergies is fine.

But setting out what toys she is allowed to play with? That is pretty controlling, and simply absurd.

You have to trust that other people know a thing or two, also, and not just you. It IS common sense to leave medicines out of reach. Just because your child went rummaging in auntys handbag and found medicine, does not mean that she will be allowed to play with medicine at your inlaws house. It is absurd to even think it.
You MIL may not even have seen what it was when she said "ooh clever girl".

I think the examples you give are just everyday examples of what can happen when you look after a child. In all the cases, it was dealt with. Medicine taken away from her, toilet brush taken away from her, or do you think that your MIL would have let her continue playing with it if you werent there?

Well I'm not going to totally back down and say everyone who thinks it's stupid is right, but I do think a lot of the points raised are valid and will definately help me to get around some of the really obvious pitfalls.

Essentially, I used to be able to keep that side of the family up to date with how she was doing or what we were doing as a family and the decisions we had made verbally, now I can no longer do that I either have to trust my ex to do it or find some other way which is where the idea of writing it down in a dead netural way so that people are aware of what we have decided (as a couple) about how we look after DD.

The only problem with trusting the ex to do it is that if he doesn't I then either have to allow things that I am very not comfortable with carry on happening or start nagging him to do it. The point of not being together anymore is to stop arguments such as 'but you said you would do it but you didn't, how many times do i have to ask' etc and concentrate (together as parents but apart romantically) on our daughter - another reason why if we do it we should decide on what goes in it together, obviously.

If we both decide that it's a bad idea to pass it on to anyone else outside ourselves then fine, but I don't think that working out what is important to us about DD's care and communicating that to other people involved with her is neccesarially over the top

You are not being unreasonable about things like car seats, everyone on MN will back you up on that.

My standard advice when dealing with parents and inlaws is always remember that it has been 30 years since they brought up children.

Times change, medical advice changes every 10 mins.

Stick to the really important stuff and trust them not to be completely incompetent about the other stuff.

The only way you can word it without putting their backs up is that you write "DD is going through a really inquisitive stage, she gets her hands on everything. Do you want me to come with you and get/install locks for medicine cabinet and the kitchen"

May1808:

It sounds as if you have fairly serious and well-founded (on past experience) fears about your dd's safety while with her gps??

I would worry that sending them a document like the one you suggest will make them write the whole thing off as you being an over-protective/precious mother trying to teach the grandmother to suck eggs.

I would suggest you work out what are your genuine concerns about your dd's safety and address these specifically with your ex-p and make sure he deals with these issues with his parents.

As for the other less serious things like food etc then personally I would probably let these go as, unless your dd is looked after by them a lot, it really won't make much difference.

A list might seem like a good idea but could have the opposite effect to what you want, especially if, as you suggest, they are likely to be angry with you for breaking the relationship up.

I think it will be a very good thing for your daughter to experience a more relaxed type of care on the occasions she spends with her grandparents. They have brought up children and although that was a while ago the basics have not chnaged that much and love is still the most important ingredient, IMO. You seem happy that they love your DD and that they are not setting out to harm her so try to relax. It is hard with pfb but agree with others who say you will look back and laugh at this one day.

BTW why can't you keep your ex in laws up to date with news of your DD? I know quite a few in your situation who are maintaining links with the ex's parents which seems to help the children and the realtionships all round.

"I think the examples you give are just everyday examples of what can happen when you look after a child. In all the cases, it was dealt with. Medicine taken away from her, toilet brush taken away from her, or do you think that your MIL would have let her continue playing with it if you werent there?"

Yes, there's a possibility that she would have. It happened to me once and then I thought right, I'll keep the door shut, move the toilet brush and supervise when she is in there. (this was at MIL's house when we had to stay there for a few days). I told MIL because it was quite funny that DD had found it, how pleased she was with herself etc but also that 'phew I'm glad I noticed before anything dangerous or bad happened' and MIL was just like 'what could have happened that was dangerous or bad?'

I don't think I'm a totally paranoid over the top mother but I can see the difference between rolling in mud and rolling in dog poo when you go to the park, my daughter can't, so it is my job to keep an eye on her and keep her safe - that's not to say I'm the sort of person to never let her do anything ever just in case.

The other thing that strikes me is what happens when dd gets a bit older? If you lay down the law too far on what she is/isn't allowed to do at her dad's/gparents' house, but they don't stick to it for whatever reason (e.g. sweets, juice, biscuits) you risk her lying to you about what happened when she was there. I agree with you that there are some fundamental safety issues like car seats, but other things are less important than her happiness. And if she feels torn between both halves of her family she won't be happy.