to set out a document for anyone looking after my daughter stating what I expect from them now my partner and I have split?

[May1808]

My partner and I recently split, meaning my 14 month old DD will be living between two homes and visiting grandparents/other relatives and presumably sometimes being cared for (babysitting etc) by my ex partners family and I won't be there to keep an eye on things.

I don't think I am being a control freak to ask that some basic rules are set by me and my ex with regard to food, routine, medicines & safety that are agreed by anyone else involved in her care and I think its better to do it now rather than after problems happen so that everyone knows where they stand.

I know her dad absolutely dotes on her and would never intentionally do anything to harm her or undermine me (well I hope not but he might discover a vindictive streak!) but he is much more easy going, slap dash, cross that bridge when we come to it than I am (one of the reasons why we split) so its definately important that we agree on the basic points that we will observe.

The thought of drawing up a formalised document wouldn't even have occured to me, other than I used to spend an awful lot of time explaining to the ex why I wanted to do things a certain way and why him not doing it that way would undermine me etc, and then even more time explaining to the ex in-laws why I was doing things a certain way and why, for example, they mustn't add salt to DD's food or let her play in the bathroom that hasn't been baby-proofed, or go through peoples bags that contain all sorts (her pulling out a blister pack of paracetemol and watching the mother in law say 'oh what a clever girl you've found something' rather than whipping them away and saying don't touch medicine, they're dangerous) sticks in my memory.

In addition to that, there are certain rules and ways of disciplining her that are my way of parenting and I do worry that if other people do other things it will result in a lack of continuity and boundaries for her, allowing her to play one carer off against another and generally be a confused and unhappy child who can't do wrong for doing right.

So far I've put things in like, don't add salt to her food, only give milk or water to drink, don't give her nuts or peanuts, don't give her sweet things between meals etc and the obvious safety things like don't let her play on the stairs or what to do if she's teething, but I'm worried that my ex will say 'this is ridiculous i'm sure everyone involved is capable of looking after a child (now i'll go and bury my head in the sand and hope nothing dead bad happens)' and the in laws (who i don't know what their reaction to the split is yet but probably really angry with me for 'giving up' and 'ruining things for everyone' and 'only thinking about myself' - some kind of conviction because of their religion what we should get married and stay together for the children) might well take the view that 'who is she to tell us what to do, we've raised 4 kids AND have a successful marriage...'

Arrrgh this is a minefield. What do you guys think?

I also think a 14mth old will choose her own sleeping position.

not read anything but the op, i think its a good idea, don't see no problem with drawing it up. just be aware that sometimes it may be ignored

Woh
This is amazing reading..........Firstly i think you have to credit people (even stupid people) with some degree of commonsense. Grandparents by their mere nature of their names were once parents. Yes we all do dumb things but your dd is not going to be put at risk deliberately. They may leave the loo brush out but at least you know thats a danger, its the things you dont know are dangerous that you have to worry about. If you are still the main carer your child will behave the way you bring them up. They will appreciate that things are different at other peoples houses.......even if they are little.
Try to relax a little, obviously hard when you have just split from DH but look at the time you will have as a positive thing. Stop fretting about things that you have no control over. How would you feel if you husband gave you a manual on how to look after your child.......i doubt you would be very chuffed.
Good luck, it will all work out ok in the end.

"Good luck, it will all work out ok in the end." That's op's xp's attitude and she has already stated that she doesn't feel comfortable with it.

OP i really feel for you. I'm a separated mum too, and I do recognise the feelings of loss of control - you're her mother, with strong protection and love for your child, and you want to ensure she's OK wherever she is. It's terrible when the ability to ensure this feels like it's been taken away. I think that's one of the most difficult things to deal with when you're first separated. You're dealing with being a separate parent, with all the surrounding issues, but also having to learn not to be with your child all the time - which is a very, very difficult thing to do (and I didn't have to do it with a 14 month old).

But as a few others have said in this thread, she is a child of both of you, and unless she was threatened with an abusive situation, you are talking about different parenting styles. Your ex is her father, and as much as it hurts, is involved in her style of upbringing too. For your future relationship as 'exes', I can only advise that you encourage and advise him in an informal way, that educates him, if you feel it necessary, in things that you, as the mum, have learnt in the last 14 months. To begin lists now, at her early age...what is the 'penance' if it isn't enforced, and who really suffers...your ex, or your daughter?

This will be one of the most challenging, difficult times of your life, moving from parents together to parents apart...but if you can get through it with negotiation, and understanding, you will have skills that a CEO of a large company would be proud of...and a well-balanced daughter, who is happy to be with either parents, wherever they may be.

Please don't worry about charges of 'control freak', whatever your personality, you are having to struggle with the emotional loss of the time with your daughter. It is extremely difficult, but it will ease, and if you can possibly imagine yourself in five or ten years time, seeing your daughter with a strong relationship with her grandparents (which is even more important when parents are separated, I believe) (disregarding the toilet brush decorated with festive tinsel in the corner) you will be very, very proud of yourself that you got through.

But MsPontipine - she doesn't have a choice. She's split up with him and she doesn't have a right to dictate how their child should be raised.

Please also see Megglevache's post - she gives some prime examples of some well- meaning actions by one set of her dc's gps.

She, me and OP are not the only ones surely...

Here's one from my experience. Ds is now a very healthy and happy nearlly 6 yr old. Ever since he was a few weeks old he has spent the occasional night at my mum and dad's. At that time I was not driving, knew little about car seats and relied on my mum strapping him in as she had got the seat, been shown how to use it and it was in her car. However I was looking at it and realised she had clicked it on the base (not Isofix) but hadn't actually done the restraining bit with the seat belt at all - that was just left ......to be cont

...and one more thing, maybe you could retain a relationship with the grandparents in a relaxed and easy way. I feel it's important for children to realise that although you're separated from your other half, it doesn't mean you've 'divorced' the other parts of her family. Is there any way your ex would be happy if you visited the gps occasionally with your daughter? Then you could gently (and I stress gently) show them how you feel comfortable parenting your child, and identify any truly dangerous situations (rather than situations you 'prefer not to happen')?
I know this is untenable in some people's separation, but if at all possible, it can be another step to reinforce the parent-side of gp relationships, and to enable your daughter to feel confident and loved within a fragmented family when she's older.

I appreciate your situation May, it is hard to let go of your children and let others care for them. However, i do think that unless the GP are enormously incompetant then you have to remember that 14 months ago you had no experience of looking after a child and yet you've managed without causing her any damage. You IL's have actually had far more experience of looking after children and whilst some things have changed, lots hasn't.

It's fair enough to mention routines, likes / dislikes and any legal stuff like car seats etc but playing on stairs and teething problems are generic to all children and would have been to theirs.

I'm sure in a few weeks when she returns each time unscathed but happy you'll start to relax.

Cont (sorry about that)

However I was looking at it and realised she had clicked it on the base (not Isofix) but hadn't actually done the restraining bit with the seat belt at all - that was just left dangling loosely with carseat totally unrestrained. My mum got all defensive and upset when I mentioned it all "well if you don't think I'm doing it properly then I won't . . . and all that" She was all prickly and hard to talk to but it was either face it and sort it all out or me just to ignore it to avoid offending her. Believe me it was a very tricky incident but of course we got the car seat sorted out she went back again (it was my cousins's)to check how to fix it again and all was fine.

There was no way I would just leave my son to travel dangerously even at the risk of offending my lovely and perfectly capable mum.

That is all fair enough MsP but she and her partner have split up (as I said before). It is up to her ex-partner to communicate how he would like his DD looked after to his parents isn't it? She is his child too.

But op stated that he is pretty blase about the whole issue. (can't do accents)

May1808 - I haven't read this whole thread -only about half and up to the dental issues thing but wanted to give you some input.

Go back 11 years and I was like you. You sound both educated and well informed. Why shouldn't you be? Having a child is a massive undertaking and we all want to do our absolute best. I was also well educagted and informed and had ideas about how my dd1 would be ( pfb by the way means precious first born. LIke it or not the trap is nearly impossible to avoid falling into). My dd1 would not eat sugar, not have a dummy and would not have a bottle. Certainly she would be clever - if not top of the class then certainly in top three. She would swim well - even maybe club level. She would play chess and debate.

I did all these things. I was always top of the class and came out with the best degree in myh year at Uni and swum at championship level having learnt to swim unaided by 18 months. My teeth are perfect - no fillings at all. I never ate sweets ( yes - really!) until I was an adult.

However...........I quickly learned - dd was average in tgerms of intelligence - no dunce but no great shakes. She at the age of 12 can still swim poorly and struggles with a length despitge heavy investment in time and money in lessons. She cannot play chess and instgead draws - something my mohter installed in me was for the "thickies" in the class. And teh peice de resistance - at the tender age of 4 - she'd been solely breastfed since birth till 2 and had never had a bottle or a sweet in her life the dentist wheeled his chair over to me from where he'd been examining dd on one of her routine checkups and solemnly announced that she needed no less than 5 teeth out due to severe decay. I actually burst into tears. The dentist explained it as a genetic probelm with her teeth inherited from my dh. Oh and from her love of fruit. IN my blind madness I had cultivated such a love of fruit that her teeth were continually bathed so my dentist said in corrosive acid .

But what I wanted to tell you was that despite what you want to do for your dd and how much knowledge you've acumulated etc , she will do the wrong things, she will eat the wrong things eventually and she will experience the things you don't want her to eventually and if you do not relax about things you run the risk of transferring your anxietyh to your dd and alienating others who mya be abel to help you during this unsettling period of breaking up for you.

If you have subsequent children yhou will - honestly -laugh. You will give them a lollipop when you need 5 mins to finish helping older dd with homework. You will forego watching them every minute when you get a blessed 5 min peace from their fighting or just raucous play and laugh as younger one emerges with the loo brush etc. You may even bglush when you remember your zeal at protecteing elder dd from this when she was 14 months.....Just don't alienate your in laws in teh process of learning all this...........

Concentrate on making access arrangments as easy as possible and as comfortable as possible for your daughter Not a list of rules and regulations

Oh dear - I have read the first few posts and think the op is getting an unnecessary pasting. Toilet brush - an unavoidable risk?? What? Maybe if you leave toilet doors open for a toddler to grab hold of maybe.

Maybe setting it out so strictly is not the answer and a fair bit of communication needs to be done beforehand but I don't think the op is being unreasonable asking for no salt to be added to food (I don't) and that things like toilet brushes and bleach etc are kept well out of reach??

My 2p worth:

I think agreeing to a care plan of basic needs and routines etc is more than appropriate.

Telling people things they all ready know is condecending and will only get their backs up.

You seem to have a good relationship with your ex. Why not sit down with a blank piece of paper and ask him to suggest things for himself. For every one he adds put one of your own. Once you have exhausted your individual lists you can discuss what is important (safety) over what is routine (good for DD) and what is individual parenting styles (open for debate!).

Hopefully you will come up with a care plan you are both happy with and that way you can support each other when others critisise or stray off track.

Remember it should go to your family and chosen carers as well as his.

When sending DD to Nursery we drew up a care plan, it is reviewed every 3 months. HTH

She isn't being unreasonable to expect it but she is being unreasonable to leave her DD with a manual of instructions. If you did this you would have to plan a risk assessment before you took her anywhere! Unless you keep her wrapped in cotton wool in a padded cell,accidents will happen!
I think Gingerninja has a good point in that 14 months ago OP had no experience (unless she had a job in childcare)and yet she has kept her safe.
Her father and grandparents love her, they may do things differently but they should be able to keep her safe.
The best thing would be to remain on friendly terms with the PIL and then go with her and have a friendly, casual word.

lisalisa, what a great post. Thank you for your wider perspective.

Parenting is not the sum of a list of safety rules and health directives. It is far more holistic. So long as children feel loved and valued at some base level, they can process inconsistency. It is part of the richness of the human experience and fosters adaptability.

Ultimately the OP's dd will in all likelihood grow into the person she was always meant to be, despite a few biscuits outside of mealtimes along the way. Don't sweat the small stuff.

I thought LisaLisa had a great post.

Apart from wondering whether you do need help Op, you really are totally wrong about fructose being better for teeth than refined sugar - sorry pet but that's boll**s, sugar is sugar is sugar - take it you're not a scientist, and your teeth can't tell the difference.

This post is still going, no one has noticed that the OP was scared off about 2 days ago.

i'm not suprised! all she wanted to do was set out how she thought it'd be best her dd was cared for, and she got flamed.

Agreed. That's what you get for being a responsible, caring mother.

I feel a bit guilty about the OP, she has been getting a hard time when she must be feeling vulnerable. If I was having to let my 14 month go to other people without me I would also feel upset.
I think she is trying to do the best for her DC but unfortunately, as pointed out by countless people,she can't have the level of control that she wants and she will have to relax.
I would think the best thing to do is to remain on friendly terms with exP so that communications are always open (differing parenting styles seem to have been part of the problem)and make friends with her ILs in her own right.

I don't think it is in the DD's best interests to have such control even if they stayed together, benign neglect is far healthier. Your DC is not a clone of you and LisaLisa made very sensible points.

It is very offputting for carers if a DC arrives with an essay-especially when nine tenths is insulting to anyone of reasonable intelligence!